jonah and the whale/big fish/whatever the fuck
still recovering from my vacation--six weeks back stateside, reconnecting with the fam. the first two weeks were spent in naples, florida, with predictable debauchery. let's just say when you're bobbing along peacefully on an anchored raft in the clear waters of the gulf of mexico with a tecate sweating in one hand and a fat maduro rothschild clamped between your teeth, you start to think about some stupid shit. gloriously stupid shit.
my mind being on maritime matters, for obvious reasons, i pondered the story of jonah and the whale (that's right, i fucking said whale, get the fuck over it). specifically, i pondered the smug response that invariably comes from the vast majority of christians whenever one calls the story by the name it's had for fucking centuries: "jonah and the whale." the right corner of their mouth turns up, their eyes squint ironically, a quick explosion of air issues from their nostrils, and, in a superior tone only a high-level trekkie confronted with a casual sci-fi fan could approximate, they deliver what apparently is some kind of fucking bombshell in their world: "aaaactually, the bible says big fish."
now, most of us have probably seen bill maher's response to this truism in religulous, and my response was always similar. but, as the sun slowly penetrated my second coating of spf 30 and the sweet, malty tecate bathed my suffering, myer's-addled brain, i began to get angry. what a crock of shit! what a fuckin' con! seriously!? you're gonna correct my "whale" with "big fuckin' fish"? and in the tone of voice of a high school biology teacher???
look, you sadistic prick, you cannibalistic chronic masturbator, we might have the benefit of three centuries of modern biology. we might know the joys of animal classification. we fuckin' know, chosen brethren, that a goddamn, motherfucking troglodyte of a cold-blooded big fish cannot be a noble whale! the fish, that seedy little subnormal retard of the deep, cannot offer a tit to its mewling young as a whale can and most lovingly will, how dare we even put them in the same category! the fish, a creature so lowly, no matter how "big," that it makes me fucking sick--yea! i encourage overfishing with almost the same zeal i encourage child rape!--does not breathe god's own fucking air like you and me, we KNOW this, brothers and sisters, say HALLELUJAH and THANK GOD FOR THAT!
the problem is, those sheepfuckers who wrote that book didn't know. they saw...what? a mouth and two eyes in the fore of an elongated, slippery body, dotted with fins here and there and ending in a bifurcated tail. and it was really. fucking. big. what would you call it, if you hadn't had the benefit, the blessing, of your public education to prevent you from making an unforgivable error? you might..just might...call it a big fuckin' fish. funny how christians have no problem arguing that some jackoff in the bronze age saw a little deinonychus and decided to call it a "dragon," but the idea, the notion, that the writers of the bible would be so stupid as to mistake a whale for a "big fish"--well, everybody knows you'd have to be a meth-sucking degenerate to even begin to conceive of that!
well, fuck you, acid-freaks. it was a fuckin' whale. end of story.
"I asked my father,
I said, 'Father change my name.'
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame."