iGod - A Holy Conversation with i
So here I exist...or do I? I AM the beginning and I AM the end. There is no middle because there was no beginning and there will be no end. The middle is what humans call their existence. My life, if one chooses to describe it as such, is thus: I neither eat, nor shit, neither drink, nor piss, neither sleep, nor wake, in fact, all I do is exist for there is no other way in which to describe my being. My creations tend to describe me in ways that are neither accurate nor inaccurate, for they know not what they do, if you know what I mean. Yes, I created them, but I also told them that they have a free will to choose what it is they wish. Yet - and this is the best bit - if they don't love me, whatever I am, then I will torture them forever. I find this conundrum exceedingly satisfying. There are those I've made such that they cannot believe. And, they, have rightly surmised that my gift of free will is indeed a sharp-practiced trick, and is not the gift that so many believe it to be. This is only one of many of my sadomasochistic practices that I've kept up in the "middle." Existence before man, was, well, boring. I am everything, and thus there was nothing. It's quite a simple concept. So, I decided to amuse myself by creating something. That something, from nothing, to something, is what humans refer to as life and all things surrounding it, all things in it.
Forgive me, for I've lost my manners. Allow me to introduce myself. I am the One. I am God. I am Allah. I am Yahweh. Humans have it all wrong. Throughout their existence they have cried out to many gods, with many names, and practiced many orthodoxies and heterodoxies. These religions, as you may have already concluded are simply fables that I've placed in their heads. A spark of intuition, from the drop of water that is their brain in the sea of consciousness. I wanted to amuse myself with my creations. I wanted to watch my creations engage in the very behaviors I sought to engage in, yet being that I am everything, and nothing, could not. I have engaged in the ultimate thought experiment, for me that is, yet reality for them. It stimulates me to watch, to listen, to invigilate over everything they all do, all at once, all the time. Now, this concept may be difficult for you to grasp, I understand, but imagine if you will, being able to see, smell, hear, taste, feel and exist as everything and in everything at once. Can't you imagine the sheer pleasure this evokes? Not to offend my reader, but the aforementioned was obviously never meant to be answered by such a creature as yourself. You are after all, one of my creations as well. Thus, I know that you can and cannot experience what I experience. Suffice it to say, it's better than the most beautiful scene your mind can imagine in nature, it's softer than the most delicate rose petal, it smells more aromatic than the fresh flowers of spring or the air after it rains, it feels better than the most mind-blowing sexual pleasure that I've allowed you to experience, it tastes better than any food your brain can comprehend.
Back to the topic of religion. It pleases me so to see my creations creating new ways in which to describe me. I amuses me to watch as they fight and kill each other over their own misguided interpretations of what I am and what I wish for them to do. I shall never bore of this behavior, this hate, this ignorance. All these qualities and behaviors that I can never have or be because I am everything and I am nothing; I simply am, and was and will always be. You can imagine, that after billions of years I became a bit bored with the game of existence. So, what did I do? Well, I created this master plan of sorts. I, decided to create a massive universe, in which I would place billions of galaxies, with nothing in them save billions of planets and stars. I then created one galaxy in particular, the Via Lactea, or Milky Way into which I set the stage for my satire known as life. What you must attempt to understand is that I have slowly allowed my creations to learn more and more of the endless universe in which they find themselves. Obviously endless, is subjective. It is not endless for me, because it is me, thus it simply is. However, to my creatures it appears as endless as the grains of sand on the many beaches in their spherical abode. More on this later though. I have fashioned it thus in order to allow for an endless number of scenes to unfold in this drama, thus ensuring an endless amount of existing and viewing pleasure for the one and only.
The Milky Way as it is better known to humans, this hazy band of light, this abode of constellations, this galactic trailer park of billions of stars that are visible to humans and invisible to humans. This is only one of billions of galaxies that I have created to not only amuse myself, but to amuse and attract my creations. I also created these galaxies as a test to see how much of my handiwork my humans could discover. Mind you, the discovery of many of these facts that you know as scientific facts, have provided me with the most pleasing of comedies. I have listened to conversations, and watched humans engage in unspeakable acts of ignorance and cruelty because of differences of opinion on whether one planet, in one solar system, in one of billions of galaxies rotates around a star or whether that star rotates around that planet. I have fashioned my creatures thus for the very reason of watching the innumerable possibilities that arise from their interactions. Every once in a while, one of my creations surprises me with their wit, their intelligence, their stubbornness. One example of this intelligence is the discovery of the gamma-ray bubbles that I made to erupt out of the northern and southern ends of your small galaxy. For no other reason than to show you humans that I can will gigantic bubbles of energy into existence. The magnitude of these minute to me yet, catastrophically massive bulbs of energy to you, are no less than 25,000 light-years in diameter. Now, you may ask yourself, how can I be surprised at the characteristics of the very creatures I have created? Well, the mere presence of your interest and ability to fashion such a question based on what appears to be a counterintuitive principle is owed to me.
So as not to make you the reader and your fellow man so predictable, I created something called the human genome from which all humans after the first human have sprung. This game of chance I play is not truly a game of chance because I know everything. However, it's the closest thing I could imagine to what humans term chance and measure in probability. At least with this process, I can at least amuse myself with the various permutations of the different races and ancestries of humans, not to mention the various types of exceptionally-interesting scourges, and torturous diseases I have concocted to further heighten my pleasure and existence of i.
This so-called genome is how you humans understand and classify the most basic of life-giving properties. You thought yourselves so intelligent and felt so proud when you discovered the 23 chromosomal pairs and mitochondrial DNA. You still believe that the final 23rd chromosome, the non-autosomal, actually determines the sex of your offspring. I still laugh when I see your most learned of scientists trying to decode the process of gene expression, erroneously believing that some sort of fantastic regulatory system is to be held responsible. That regulatory system is I. All these systems, and processes, and as yet undiscovered medical and scientific breakthroughs are simply more of my game to feed my hunger for amusement. I have simply encrypted the knowledge of everything, of I, into various forms, as I sit idly by and watch as you attempt to discover the cures for cancer, mental illnesses, and HIV, as you try to understand the unspeakable acts of violence in the form of earthquakes, tsunamis, and storms. Much like your ancestors, there are those that ascribe the acts of cruelty to the cooling planet on which you reside, moreover, there are those of you that still believe these things are part of a greater plan I have concocted out of some celestial soup mix. I will tell you...it is because I can, and only because I can.
In my wisdom, I have created various consistent laws shall we say. I have done so in order that men may witness these phenomena and subsequently cry out that these laws have been suspended in their favor, by their god, based on their supplications. These laws, this natural law, adorns everything you see, and feel. I command the earth to rotate on its axis around the sun...or do I command the sun to rise in the East so that man will have yet another pointless point on which to argue the reason and the right? I command the flowers to open in the spring, the animals to kill to eat, the rains to fall, objects to be subjected to gravity-that unnerving force that man knows nothing of-and other sinister plots in my comedy of life. These are all parts of my experiment in morals and ethics. Why else would an animal prey upon a less powerful animal? Why else would a man rape a woman? Why else would a nation attack and demolish another nation only to leave the detritus of war smoking in its wake? I will tell you. It is because I have a desire to experience the infinite of infinites. The endless possibilities of the sum total of all human and animal interactions on a massive scale. I wish to experience that which I cannot experience as the Almighty. I wish to watch it, and taste it, and look upon the faces of the happy, and hear the screams of the tortured, and smell the hate of the evil and taste the love of the good.
What of the man-made myths and legends that you so readily believe and in whose names you so willingly commit atrocious acts of barbarism? What of them you ask? My desire to create man arose from a desire to understand myself if that is comprehensible to you. I have created you in my image. I have thought of you and you are thus. I have spread my desires through you so that I might watch bemusedly and listen to the panegyrics of hate and lust and love that spew forth from your mouths. Do you not love to look at yourself in a mirror? This narcissistic quality is one that I have used to induce in you many varied behaviors. It is also the quality that I admire most because of its parallels to my own desires to envision myself engaged in the infinite of the infinites. After much thought, I succumbed to the need for a visceral interaction and thus willed it so. I never sent my "Son" as is oft-reported in that ill-crafted screed known as the Bible. While it is amusing I often find it annoying. It is so replete with factual farces and contradictions that even the stupidest among you could tell it was crafted and scribed by the never-slaked desire of man to heave the controlling net of power over his fellow creatures. This book, this heaping pile of drivel and blandishments coaxing, commanding, cajoling all to believe in its allegedly me-inspired injunctions is a polemic against common sense and reason, both of which I have bestowed upon you. It however, serves its purpose to further feed my insatiable desire to see man kill one another for absolutely no reason at all.
What good is a gathering without various groups of people one might ask? Well, this point is well-taken and spirals well into the cauldron of boiling religious stew I have watched my creations create. How boring would the world be without religion? How much more interesting is it now with multiple warring and factional religions? I never cease to amaze myself with the death and destruction you commit in my name. I relish the day that you begin to use weapons of mass destruction in my name. My hope lies with the strain of Islam known as Shi'ism. That interesting and amusing sect of Islam, the death-cult of the Mahdi, the yearned-for return of the 12th Imam from occultation. I may well one day create a man that fits perfectly into this story simply to see the fantastic outcry of joy as Shi'ism's adherents cry out to me in adulation upon his return. While I have condoned and witnessed genocide many times before, it would please me greatly to experience another far greater act of evil than the attempted extermination of the Jews by Hitler or the grotesquely minimal acts of genocide committed by the Bosnian Serbs. Once again, you see, the perfect pretext I have given man to kill one another. The religious poison is only the beginning, but so far the most effective method I have found to induce man to engage in evil.