I'm experiencing a bit of mental exhaustion recently after finding this website.  I was raised to be very religiously protestant christian and believed it most my life.  Deeply.  I was in the US Navy for 6 years where I spent at least 2 of those years floating in the ocean.  I read voraciously on all kinds of things.  Evolution, cosmology, civilization, history, etc.  Didn't pay much attention to religion during those years.  Told myself that I was "straying" but that I was sure I would come back to the Lord eventually.  I left the Navy when I was 28.  When I was 30 I first admitted both vocally (with a quiet voice) and internally, that I no longer believed in theism.

After that I was fine.  I became more tolerant.  More loving.  More amazed at my existence and life, the world, everything.  It was like my first morning. 

Since those days I've trundled along contentedly, arguing on various occasional forums (forums that were not directly for or against belief in a god) against theists.  It was relatively easy.  They(the theists I encountered) never argued much with atheists in their past, where as I argued at my theist self for years,  Wretching my own theism from myself based on what I learned over the years.  I simply used the same arguments on them that I used on myself.

This website is a concentration the contention.  The main point of battle over it all.  A deep knowledge of debate is needed.  Terms learned like "Strawman argument" or "Argument of Consequence".  I've never studied professional debate.  I am just now learning these concepts.  I lost religion internally, debating with myself.  Not against others versed in the skill of debate.  So mostly I have been a spectator.  Observing, reading, studying.

But the odd thing...I find this horrible.  Which is really freaking odd, because finally admitting I didn't believe in religion was not bad at all for me.  It was like admitting a beloved family member had died long ago and really wasn't coming home after years of denial.  This is like watching the dissection of said family member directly in front of me.

I watch the debates, read the debates, and NOTHING the theists or "ID'ers" say make sense to me.  Even when the atheists are poor debaters.  Even when the theist could obviously wipe the ground with me in a debate due to their debating skills and verbal tactics.  Nothing makes me doubt my decision that religion is BS.  It all makes me actually more strongly atheist.  But I feel horrid.  I used to be pissed.  Angry at the rememberance of the fear of hell, of praying to god for help with tears streaming down my face in teenage angst, of being deluded by religion.

I don't feel angry right now.  I feel sick.  I feel like crawling in a corner and sleeping forever.  After just two weeks of viewing the verbal battles.  I want to stop thinking.  Just drown in alcohol or something to shut down the brain.

I think maybe its because my atheism is so young.  I'm not looking for any consolation, so go ahead and call me a whiny whatever, that seems to be a common response when anyone online admits feeling upset about anything.  Which is rather odd, because the implication is that you should never admit to being upset or distressed about anything no matter what happens.  But hey, if it makes you feel good, go for it.  I find the fact that this is so much more painful than actually originally losing religion extremely odd and not something that I can really make sense of.  And I wonder if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Fuck religion.