The Passion of the Christ 2: Roman Holocaust
Offline I was just reading a Slate piece on Easter movies and the writer mentioned the reluctance that Hollywood has previously shown in depicting the Resurrection. He specifically mentioned Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ as treating the risen Christ as a coda more than the subject of the film. Now run along the path with me here...
I actually kind of liked The Passion in a purely artistic sense. If you could somehow raise a kid without exposure to the Christ myth and have him watch it at the age of eighteen or so, he'd probably think it was some kind of kitschy, unbalanced cult Sci-Fi film, probably directed by Luc Besson. And that's where I got my idea for a sequel (with Besson himself at the helm this time--we need somebody who can handle non-stop action properly, Mr. Gibson). Not much of an idea really, but let's call it the germ of an idea. For that matter, Jim Caviezel's last movie went direct to DVD so we might be able to rope him in if we give him gross points (thank you Bob Evans!).
First scene we have the Roman Soldiers standing around the old Holy Sepulcher when the ground starts shaking. Then the stone starts rolling and in a visual homage to Raiders it chases one of the centurions down the hill and squashes him flat. The few remaining soldiers not scared off turn their attention to the shadowy figure emerging from the earth and the one in the lead is treated to a slow motion wire fu kick in the crotch that actually lifts him several metres off the ground (see the spelling of "meter"?--that's what you get for investing in Luc Besson quality!). It's just a slaughterhouse (or more accurately, an abattoir) after that. Lots of elbows to the throat and roundhouse kicks to the face. The last man standing screams and throws his javelin, which obviously passes harmlessly through one of the stigmata and is gruesomely returned to sender.
It would basically go on like that for ninety minutes or so. I'm thinking we get a good gross out moment when Saul of Tarsus starts foaming at the mouth on the Road to Damascus. Tell me you wouldn't pay ten bucks to see that.
"The whole conception of God is a conception derived from ancient Oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men."
--Bertrand Russell
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Could Jesus spout mystical drivel in a bland and compassionate voice as he's ripping out their still-beating hearts? And when he gets to the part where he says, "Eat of my body," can he take a bite of a still-beating heart as the ex-heart-bearer watches in shock and disgust?
And can there be a sex scene with Mary Magdalene? I always got the impression those two were a little closer than the Bible really said.
Oh! And the scene in which he takes revenge on Judas should be some serious blood porn. And then he should take the thirty pieces of silver and get himself and Mary a hooker, whom he would then kill post-coitally, for being a sinner. He can shout, "If I had to die for your sins, I'm sure fucking going to enjoy them."
Or is that too fucked-up?
"Yes, I seriously believe that consciousness is a product of a natural process. I find that the neuroscientists, psychologists, and philosophers who proceed from that premise are the ones who are actually making useful contributions to our understanding of the mind." - PZ Myers
What are your thoughts on Milla Jovovich for Mary Magdalene? Also I'd like to do a Tarantino and revive some careers with this one. I'm thinking Mark Hamill as the Emperor Tiberius and George Wendt as Herod Antipas.
"The whole conception of God is a conception derived from ancient Oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men."
--Bertrand Russell
My thought on Milla Jovovich is yes, please. Oh, for Mary Magdalene? Absolutely.
Mark Hamill would be great. I haven't seen him since the old short-lived Flash series. And I really like movies with George Wendt. I like beans. I like movies with George Wendt eating beans. (Sorry. Animaniacs moment.) I think he'd be a great Herod.
Steve Buscemi for Judas, I think. William Katt as Peter. Marjoe Gortner deserves a sizable role, too, though I can't place him. Maybe he should be Judas, and Steve Buscemi can be Paul. He'd be a great first pope.
"Yes, I seriously believe that consciousness is a product of a natural process. I find that the neuroscientists, psychologists, and philosophers who proceed from that premise are the ones who are actually making useful contributions to our understanding of the mind." - PZ Myers
Sounds like a great movie, just needs a new title:
The Passion of The Christ 2: Electric Boogaloo
Marjoe? Talk about reviving a career. Marjoe's a little old to be in the company of my Apostle cast, though. Maybe we could put him in heavy corpse make up and have him play Lazarus (Bible doesn't say anything about Lazarus coming out of that hole looking fresh as a daisy). Zombie movies are hot right now. I'm loving Steve Buscemi as Paul. And I'd like to find a spot for Zooey Deschanel. She's quite irreverent as I understand it and she's more my speed (though she's never Mary Magdalene).
"The whole conception of God is a conception derived from ancient Oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men."
--Bertrand Russell
I'm afraid we'll have to keep Roman Holocaust as the title, Joey--for one thing, it's plot-related. For another I've just completed negotiations with the Audrey Hepburn estate to allow her image to appear in the film as the ghost of an Etruscan sybil. I know it sounds off the book, but we're not making the Fucking Godfather, here!
"The whole conception of God is a conception derived from ancient Oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men."
--Bertrand Russell
And a smarmy tagline!
This time, it's (a) personal (God).
Eleven pieces of silver will get you a ticket for the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge.
In allegorical mythology, no one can hear you scream.
--
maybe if this sig is witty, someone will love me.