What it's like to be an atheist
Posted on: April 20, 2009 - 1:34am
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What it's like to be an atheist
For those of you who aren't atheists, and are wondering why we get all worked up all the time, I think I've figured out a way to show you:
I invented the wheel.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
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Are you high? Because if you are I want some too....
I invented altruism.
It's true.
I invented quadratic equations.
I managed to prove in my sleep that for all z in the complex plane such that 0<Re(z)<1, zeta(z)=0 implies that Re(z)=1/2. Not only did I do this, I did it before Riemann was born.
"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.
-Me
Books about atheism
Child's play!
I once farted Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, a full two years before Beethoven composed it.
"Yes, I seriously believe that consciousness is a product of a natural process. I find that the neuroscientists, psychologists, and philosophers who proceed from that premise are the ones who are actually making useful contributions to our understanding of the mind." - PZ Myers
So you understand. But I think you did already.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
That was good of you. (Bah-dum-bum.)
That's because you had to wait for me to invent Riemann.
Yeah. Eat that, math worshipper!
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
I thought you invented the word "quadratic". Clearly, I need to re-read my history.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
Since I invented HisWillness, and he's taking credit for all your puny attempts at creation (I mean, Bernhard Riemann - come on! The man smelled of liverwurst and bacon, for pity's sake) by claiming to have invented you all, then that puts me at the top of the creation ladder.
For my next trick I'll disappear up my divine anus in a puff of logic.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Also, I invented Nordmann, but he created himself.
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
I invented both the act of inventing and creating!
Then promptly fell asleep.
I poofed FreeHugMachine into existence so that he could invent the acts of inventing and creating. Jill was leftover material from poofing. This allowed Jillswift to invent Nordman so he could create himself.
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Damn semantics, I forgot to invent poofing!
I invented leptons but only because my cat told me to...
=
True. Since there are still openings in this hierarchy I shall close one right now. I am existence enabled by the Great Panda. No cats involved.
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Ah and how many department stores are there that do not have a section for cat food? How many department stores have a section dedicated to selling panda food?
Ha! Run rings around your logic...
=
Twas my idea! Which is why i hold both the patent and copyright
What Would Kharn Do?
The feline was created on the 6th day, Book of origins, Chapter 1 verse 22.
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
was not...
=
Heretics like you are prevalent throughout the world that the Giant Wondrous Panda hath made.
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
*tear* *sniff*
I ... I love you guys.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
Also: I zapped poofing into reality, and alacazammed zapping into being. I had the idea for FreeHugMachine before I existed.
Praise the Pretty, Punitive, and Popular Predictive Perfect Panda for that!
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
Evil moose servent bewareth for the servant of the Panda hath been summoned. The torture devices shall be prepareth to cleasne forth the blasphemny from thine mouth.
Express now the love of the Panda and thou shalt be forgiven, tortured still but ye shall be given eternal life and reincarnated as a zebra.
*edit* corrected poorly done old English
____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
... *shrug* ... at least i'd have a horse cock... *snicker*
What Would Kharn Do?
Never! Your nonsensical ravings have no effect on my faith in His Divine Mooseness! In the beginning, there was Moose! (Shortly thereafter, there was mousse, and it was righteously delicious.)
If you'll excuse me, I have to go fluff my panda pillows and panda rug.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
Thou be a killer of the Giant Panda's most sacrosanct wonders on his planet.
The offer of forgiveness hath been withdrawn.
Thou shalt be disemboweled and fed thine own internal organs.
Thine body parts shalt be disseminated throughout the kingdom of the Panda as an example to heathen thats wouldst harm the most holy representations of the Giant Panda upon thy most unworthy lowly world.
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Y'know, there's euphemism, and then there's ... honestly, I'm having a hard time knowing what anyone could possibly be doing that they needed to include "panda" to complete the picture. I don't even know what you have in mind. I don't know what kind of freaky-deaky shit you're into, Jill ... but it sounds hot.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
1. (Operating Panda)
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
Ah-hahahaha! Oh man. Seriously, you guys are the greatest.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
I killed Mao (yes, that Mao)... but only as a freak accident during a pillow fight.
That was a doozy to cover-up.
- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940
I've just checked that patent, Swift. It's for a Kenwood De-Lux 2000 Blender (discontinued model). Thanks a heap! I'm going to complain to the panda.
Has anyone actually created the panda yet, guys? I don't want to walk all that way for nothing.
Shit - has anyone created walking yet?
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
I invented Chuck Norris
Just proves a point - theists will invent just about fucking anything.
Ok - own up guys. What genius invented theists !?! And arse piles - while I'm on the subject?
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
I invented Theism, but only because the Alpaca told me to do it.
I also invented that irritating itch you get at the back of your nasal cavity that can only be dealt with by making noises like a foghorn and vibrating the bits next to it. And I invented it tomorrow.
Forget Jesus, the stars died so that you could be here
- Lawrence Krauss
Typical sneaky sub-deity ploy. Creating shit behind my back on my day of rest. (I should never have created my back - that was just dumb!)
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
And scene.
That could be the best 30-second play script ever.
Nobody I know was brainwashed into being an atheist.
Why Believe?
I invented freight trains.
As a more appropriate unit of measure for my dong.
(SOMEBODY had to start the penis jokes...)
- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940
I'm kind of disappointed that it wasn't me who started the locker-room humour, but you're forgiven, as you are at OP XI, which can only mean that you are the wisest person conceivable in every way.
"The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and..."
"Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?"
"Exactly."
"Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?"
"Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?"
"I don't know."
"Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?"
"Put it up to eleven."
"Eleven. Exactly. One louder."
"Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?"
...
"These go to eleven."
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
In the beginning I created the heavens and the earth.
2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of Me was hovering over the waters.
3 And I said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 I saw that the light was good, and I separated the light from the darkness. 5 I called the light "day," and the darkness I called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.
6 And I said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So I made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 I called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.
9 And I said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 I called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters I called "seas." And I saw that it was good.
11 Then I said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The I (yeah that's right , god needed the land but I don't) produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And I saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.
14 And I said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 I made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. I also made the stars. 17 I set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And I saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
20 And I said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So I created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And I saw that it was good. 22 I blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." 23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.
24 And I said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. 25 I made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And I saw that it was good.
26 Then I said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, [b] and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
27 So I created man in his own image,
in the image of I he created him;
male and female he created them.
28 I blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."
29 Then I said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so.
31 I saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
32 And then I drop kicked God.
That's right I did that in the first week of the universe. If you want to find out what I've been doing since then you can read my book How I Fucked God's Shit Up. I don't want to give a way any spoilers but basically I pissed God off so much he had to send himself to Earth to sacrafice himself to himself. That's right THAT'S how pissed off I got God.
Man, I can't imagine how angry I'd have to be before I sacrificed myself to ... myself. Yeah.
...
waitaminit.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
I invented God just to piss-off Atheists.
I saw into the future and invented all of you including Panda, Moose and Alpaca in order to fool you.
"Erecting the 'wall of separation between church and state,' therefore, is absolutely essential in a free society." Thomas Jefferson
www.myspace.com/kenhill5150
I invented the nano-meter
It was inevitable.
You guys need to get a room.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
Actually, I zapped the Great Panda into existence so that he would enable the existence of pauljohntheskeptic so that he would poof FreeHugMachine and Jill into existence. After that, I allowed FreeHugMachine to invent the acts of inventing and creating so that Jill could invent Algebra, because I LOVE Algebra, and this was clearly much simpler than inventing it myself.
I also invented ''as a matter of fact'' so that I could pass of my opinions as facts with little opposition. This backfired, though, when creationists learned of it.
''Black Holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.''
So basically your claim is all of our beliefs are built upon delusion and false knowledge?
Nah, you are but a detractor of the true way of the Panda. For the Jillswift hath been given the power of zapping through the servants of the Panda.
It is time to gather wood for a bonfire to purify the heretics.
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Peachy.
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray