Unofficial cornball thread, tell the stupidist eyeroll joke you can think of.

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Unofficial cornball thread, tell the stupidist eyeroll joke you can think of.

Every State has a "state flag", "state bird" and "state flower", but what about a "state mint"?

 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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Jeffrick
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first shot

                          Did you hear about the |Roman catholic nun who had a sex reassignment procedure.   She is now what is called a Trans sister.   

 

"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."

VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"

If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?


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second shot

                 I was sitting on a newspaper once at a train station, when the guy next to me asked if I was reading it (think about it), I stood up turned around, flipped one page then sat back down  and told the guy  "yes".              

 

"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."

VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"

If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?


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Jeffrick

Jeffrick wrote:

                 I was sitting on a newspaper once at a train station, when the guy next to me asked if I was reading it (think about it), I stood up turned around, flipped one page then sat back down  and told the guy  "yes".             

 

Could you dumb it down for me?

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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Jeffrick
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Brian37 wrote:Jeffrick

Brian37 wrote:

Jeffrick wrote:

                 I was sitting on a newspaper once at a train station, when the guy next to me asked if I was reading it (think about it), I stood up turned around, flipped one page then sat back down  and told the guy  "yes".             

 

Could you dumb it down for me?

 

                    Think about it, what was I reading with : my asshole?

"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."

VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"

If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?


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So a blond goes out on a

So a blond goes out on a blind date.

 

Blond "What do you do for a living"

 

Date, " I write thesauruses"

 

Blond, "I love dinosaurs"

 

2..................

 

Blond goes out on a blind date.

 

Blond, "What do you do for a living"

 

Date, "I am a volcanologist"

 

Blond, "I love Spock and Star Trek"

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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Jeffrick

Jeffrick wrote:

                 I was sitting on a newspaper once at a train station, when the guy next to me asked if I was reading it (think about it), I stood up turned around, flipped one page then sat back down  and told the guy  "yes".             

 

That is a lot along the lines of Engvall's old standup about, "Here is your sign".

"I was driving along the other day and my tire went flat, I went into the gas station and the attendant said : "Did you have a flat tire?." "NOPE". "I was driving along and the other three just SWELLED up on me."

 

 

“It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.”
― Giordano Bruno


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My wife is a sex object;

My wife is a sex object; every time I ask for sex, she objects.


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Kapkao wrote:My wife is a

Kapkao wrote:

My wife is a sex object; every time I ask for sex, she objects.

 

Damn I am sooo going to use that at work!

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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How many billionaires does

 

Nevermind.

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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How many ABBA fans does it

How many ABBA fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Or

How many Redskins fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

Offer a punch line, best one gets a free year's supply of pocket lint.

 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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Brian37 wrote:How many ABBA

Brian37 wrote:

How many ABBA fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Or

How many Redskins fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

Offer a punch line, best one gets a free year's supply of pocket lint.

 

There is no number that would ever even try to screw in a light bulb. The Redskins fan would whine about his boss not providing universal lighting and hold it up as an example of all that is wrong with the economy-perhaps using "Pay gap rant #4". Then when a Jets fan suggests that he screws in his own damn light bulb, the Redskins fan would respond with "Life is not a SCRIPT #2" with a shout out to "EVOLUTION!". Then he would accuse the Jets fan of being at fault, because the Jets fan's greed and luck led him to replace his own light bulb but he refuses to screw in a light bulb for the Redskins fan leading to a terrible LIGHT GAP!

If, if a white man puts his arm around me voluntarily, that's brotherhood. But if you - if you hold a gun on him and make him embrace me and pretend to be friendly or brotherly toward me, then that's not brotherhood, that's hypocrisy.- Malcolm X


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Brian37 wrote:Unofficial

Brian37 wrote:
Unofficial cornball thread, tell the stupidist eyeroll joke you can think of.

Brian37.

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.


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   Here's a hilarious joke

   Here's a hilarious joke :    "Brian seems to be winning the rest of us over to his point of view with his well reasoned and articulate arguments.

Patrick is an edgy edgelord.


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take my wife...please.i take

take my wife...please.

i take my wife everywhere...but she always finds her way home.

 

now, a few classic drunk jokes (though i actually consider these good):

......

a drunk is sitting in the open second-storey window of a texas roadhouse.  the band is really groovin' and the drunk starts getting sleepy.  finally, he falls backward out of the window and WHOMP! lands flat on his back, smack in front of a second drunk who was just about to walk in.

SECOND DRUNK: "hey, buddy, wha' happ'ned?"

FIRST DRUNK: "hell, i don' know, man, i jus' got here."

......

two drunks are lying in the gutter outside a bar, arguing with each other about whether the object they see in the sky is the sun or the moon.  a third drunk comes walking up the street to the bar.

FIRST DRUNK: "hey!  hey, buddy, c'mere!  maybe y'can help us wif sumpin'..."

THIRD DRUNK: "whu...wha', man?"

FIRST DRUNK: "c'n you tell us whevver that thang up thur is th' sun 'r th' moon?"

THIRD DRUNK: "aw, don' ask me, man, i ain't fr'm aroun' here..."

......

a drunk comes running up to a policeman, almost crying.

DRUNK: "hey, man, y'gotta help me!  some muhfucker stole m'car!"

POLICEMAN: "ummm, ok, sir, well...can you tell me where you saw it last?"

the drunk takes a couple minutes to fish a car key from his pants pockets.

DRUNK: "it was right hyere on th'end a-this key."

the policeman looks bemused.

POLICEMAN: "well, sir, i'm afraid there's not much we can do about that, but, if you want, we can go down to the station and fill out a report."

the drunk nods his head vigorously.

DRUNK: "yeah, man!  whatever!"

POLICEMAN: "ok, but before we go, you're gonna have to zip up your fly, sir.  you're exposing yourself."

the drunk blinks with confusion, then slowly looks down at his limp johnson, hanging in the cold night air, and contemplates it for a few minutes.  finally, his face twists into a look of agonized sorrow.

DRUNK: "AWWWW, MAAAAN!  THEY TOOK MY GIRL TOO!!!!"

 

"I have never felt comfortable around people who talk about their feelings for Jesus, or any other deity for that matter, because they are usually none too bright. . . . Or maybe 'stupid' is a better way of saying it; but I have never seen much point in getting heavy with either stupid people or Jesus freaks, just as long as they don't bother me. In a world as weird and cruel as this one we have made for ourselves, I figure anybody who can find peace and personal happiness without ripping off somebody else deserves to be left alone. They will not inherit the earth, but then neither will I. . . . And I have learned to live, as it were, with the idea that I will never find peace and happiness, either. But as long as I know there's a pretty good chance I can get my hands on either one of them every once in a while, I do the best I can between high spots."
--Hunter S. Thompson


Brian37
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Vastet wrote:Brian37

Vastet wrote:
Brian37 wrote:
Unofficial cornball thread, tell the stupidist eyeroll joke you can think of.
Brian37.

 

Yep, cornball and unashamed.

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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Brian37 wrote:  Yep,

BrianShizzle37 wrote:

 

 

Yep, cornball and unashamed.

 

                            Yeah, MattShizzle wasn't ashamed either.

Patrick is an edgy edgelord.


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It's long, but the level of

It's long, but the level of cornball is....well, see for yourselves!

Beethoven's Ninth: The Ever-More Legendary Performance 
[an extension of an already well-known story to add even more terrible puns].

A couple of years ago, the Houston Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Batter at a special post-season fundraiser concert. Graf Hilsenrod, an old friend of the maestro's, was visiting from Europe and was in attendence, and just prior to the concert had gorged himself on a vast multi-course meal of southwestern delights.

On this particular extraordinary day in late June the outside temperature had already climbed into the triple digits, and the hall they were playing in was quite old and stuffy and had large ceiling fans rather than a more modern air conditioning system. Maestro Batter insisted that the fans not be turned on during the performance so that the music could be heard in all its splendor, in spite of the climbing temperatures. Knowing how this might affect him, the maestro had a carafe of cold water placed by his stand so that he could refresh himself during the performance. At this point, you must understand two things:

1. Bass players hate playing Beethoven's Ninth. There's a long segment in the middle where they don't have a thing to do... not a single note, page after page! 
2. There's a tavern right across the street, rather favored by local musicians when the temperatures headed north as they often do in Houston.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, of course, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews.

They had quickly downed the first couple rounds when one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarassing if we were late."

Another (presumably the same one who'd suggested this excursion in the first place) replied, "Oh, I figured we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Batter's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and tries to untie the string with the other!"

So, they all laughed, had another round, and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. When they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. The temperature inside the hall had become almost unbearable. In the audience, Graf Hilsenrod was in such gastronomic distress from the heat and bloated meal that he was moaning out loud. Both first-stand violinists were looking very iffy and the hall manager made a final decision that enough was enough - and turned on the hall's ceiling fans full bore to try to bring the temperature down, making quite a racket!

If you thought things couldn't get any worse... Batter was furious, and on the verge of completely losing it: While trying to finish the piece and flip tied pages, he tossed his carafe of water at the bass section with incredible vehemence. But one of the back stand cellists thought it was going to hit the priceless bass being played by the assistant principal bass player, and so got up quickly, grabbed the instrument and ran out of the hall. This was too much - with the heat and all the excitement, both first-stand violinists just passed out right on their chairs! But the absolute WORST part of it: (brace yourself):

Batter was up at the bottom of the Ninth, 
the score was tied with the basses loaded, 
there was a full count with two men out, 
the pitcher was thrown out, 
2nd bass was being stolen, 
and the fans were going wild!

 

Theists - If your god is omnipotent, remember the following: He (or she) has the cure for cancer, but won't tell us what it is.