March 3, 2011 | Reuters

WASHINGTON—IN bizarre news, Intelligence officials said Tuesday that al-Qaeda is recruiting a new generation of suicide bombers with assurances that martyrs will be rewarded in the afterlife with high paying jobs.

While al-Qaeda has long reached out to disenfranchised young men with guarantees of a heaven filled with sensual delights, sources said new enticements are appealing to the many chronically unemployed individuals in the Muslim world.

"The strategy is to make these young men believe that the rewards of heaven outweigh the prospects of life on Earth," senior intelligence official Nathan Lowell said. "So you can imagine how effective it would be to promise an individual living in squalor that Allah will provide a glorious hereafter, one with gainful employment and room for advancement."

"Thus far the martyrdom initiative has been very successful," security analyst David Ellsbury said. "Many are showing up at radical madrassas eager to learn more information about heaven's employment program."

A recently authenticated video broadcast on Al Jazeera last Thursday shows Osama bin Laden at a table in an undisclosed location explaining the afterworld's generous paid time-off policy, which he said permits "all lions of jihad who exalt Islam with their blood" to cash in a certain number of unused vacation days at the end of each year if they so choose.

Later in the video, bin Laden exalts Allah's willingness to help pay for a portion of all afterlife gym memberships, which bin Laden called a "pretty good deal."

Ahmad Ali, who is among the 35 percent of unemployed citizens in Yemen, told reporters that he was reluctant to consider the offer made by the al-Qaeda representative in his hometown, but said he might have no other choice if he wanted to get ahead.

"Honestly, blowing myself up looks like the best way for me to earn a steady paycheck right now," said Ali, 32, a former taxi driver who has not worked in almost three years and who has never earned more than $2 a day. "I just want a chance to have a decent job and maybe own a house with a lawn. And I think stuffing a bunch of explosives in the trunk of my cab and murdering a group of police cadets is probably the best way to go about it."

"I'm really not crazy about killing myself and a bunch of other people," Ali added. "But if it means a job with flextime that allows me to work from home one day a week, I can't pass that up. I've got kids to think about."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/alqaeda-recruiting-suicide-bombers-with-promise-of,19352/?utm_source=recentnews