New Evidence Suggests God Also Had A Daughter

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New Evidence Suggests God Also Had A Daughter

New Evidence Suggests God Also Had Daughter

September 23, 2010 | ISSUE 46•38

   

ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter.

Enlarge ImageTammi of Nazareth

The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus' sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi.

"It's a monumental shift," said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. "Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we've come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture."

According to the manuscripts, written in Greek on papyrus scrolls, Tammi led a ministry contemporaneously with her brother's. Although she promulgated similar ideas concerning faith, humility, and forgiveness, and appeared to possess the same miraculous powers, Tammi seems to have had more difficulty communicating her message. In one passage, for example, her disciples repeatedly coax her into washing their feet, apparently for a better vantage point from which to observe her "heavenly radiance." And while she, like Jesus, walks on water, the feat is described as almost disappointing to many onlookers, who had apparently hoped to see her run.

"The various sources are in clear agreement that Tammi had the most enormous jugs in all of Galilee," added Ferber, gesturing with his hands."Seriously. Like, out to here."

The existence of Tammi has caused scholars to reexamine the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and replace it with a Quadrinity that includes the Daughter figure—though some, including Ferber, argue it should actually be reconstrued as "a five-way Quintinity, counting as two separate divine powers both of Tammi's bodacious watermelons."

Professor Ned McCormick of Duke Divinity School said a complete understanding of Tammi's teachings will require decades of research, with particularly close scrutiny given to the dozens of detailed illustrations.

Explaining the difficulty of interpreting the texts, McCormick cited a passage that reads: "Saith Tammi, 'Consider ye this on the forgiveness of one's enemies: Let he who would slander you sup at your table, let he who would inflict…I saith unto thee: Look upon mine eyes, which dwell within mine head, and not upon mine bosom, wherein no wisdom dwells.' And then did Tammi snappeth her fingers together, saying, 'Seriously; I doth mean it. Up here.'"

"In all fairness to her disciples, it must have been impossible to concentrate with a couple of cannons like those in your face," McCormick said. "Especially in that desert heat, with nothing but a thin linen vestment between you and two of the most succulent milk-makers you've ever laid eyes on, beads of sweat slowly making their way down from her throat and running along the swells before descending into that perfect cleft between…oh my Lord."

The circumstances surrounding Tammi's death are unclear, but the texts seem to suggest that while she was not crucified, she did, like her brother, die in Judaea, rise from the dead, and ascend bodily into heaven in her early 30s, well before her breasts would have begun to sag.

While the documents make no direct mention of Tammi's participation in the Second Coming, Ferber said he would not be surprised if her followers held similar eschatological views and worshipped her as a kind of tandem messiah who would one day return to earth along with her brother, "her ginormous gazongas defying gravity as she descended bodily in glory from heaven" to establish the Kingdom of God.

"Maybe I'm just being hopeful," Ferber said, "but I'd sure love to see those holy ta-tas with my own eyes."

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-evidence-suggests-god-also-had-incredibly-bust,18133/

 

 

 

 

"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck


cj
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I was skeptical given the

I was skeptical given the image.  It looks like some 19th century portrait, not 1st century.  I wonder if they just drew it themselves or copied an old - un-copyrighted - painting.  The bit about -- "And then did Tammi snappeth her fingers together, saying, 'Seriously; I doth mean it. Up here.'"  Priceless.

-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.

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Hey there cj

 

I confess I pushed certain references further down the pyramid as a bit of re-editing in order to amplify the impact of the biggest jugs in Galilee.

And i was giggling while I did it.

 

"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck


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I hate the way the title is

I hate the way the title is deceiving as if the Christian god is fact and this is merely squabbling over factual history.

This is merely evidence, if the dating is proven to be correct, that there were competing writers. This writing didn't make it into the canonized bible because it wasn't successfully marketed.

People who argue that the bible is factual history fail to mention all the books that got left out, not to mention that the OT never mentions the name Jesus.

The alleged Jesus existing or having a sister is a distraction and wouldn't matter if a man named Jesus existed and had a sister. It still wouldn't make magical births or zombiegods real.

But, it does and should show the common competition it faced with polytheism, just like the Hebrews before them faced.

Think about the new shows on fall TV on all the networks. The competing motifs and how many of them fail within the first season, vs the ones that last 10 to 20 years. Then think about the spin offs the popular shows produce that end up going nowhere.

This is simply a story that did not become popular enough to make it into the popular versions we know today.

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Atheistextremist
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Chuckle

 

Got him...

 


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Truly is America's finest

Truly is America's finest news source.


Answers in Gene...
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Atheistextremist wrote: Got

Atheistextremist wrote:

 

Got him...

 

 

Achievement unlocked

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=


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embarrassed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

                      Brian37  please read   again.

"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."

VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"

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Atheistextremist wrote: Got

Atheistextremist wrote:

 

Got him...

 

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! Even in my own ranks I fall for "You're shoe is untied"

I have to lay off the coffee.

The Onion..........Right now I wish I had Eric Foreman's father threatening me with a foot up my ass calling me a "DUMBASS",

I deserved that. I got on auto pilot. Thanks for putting me in my place. Just to let you guys know, I have foot fungus so I can tell you that my foot doesn't taste that good.

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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Brian37
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Jeffrick

Jeffrick wrote:

 

 

 

                      Brian37  please read   again.

Too late. Right now I feel like Bullwinkle "Hey Rockey wanna see me pull a rabbit out of my hat? Humn, don't know my own strength".

I am the king of cornball

There is none lower

Other Mc's

Will call me slower.

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37