Not sure what I believe

Alright so possibly a blog to introduce myself.

I am not an athiest but I am also not sure I am a christian any more. So I am caught some where in the middle. So I guess you could say I am agnostic ( I had to look that up ).

I had long ago decided organized religian was a bad thing. I had long ago decided that the bible was not to be taken littrally but as a guide line. Mind you I had never read the bible. I had however read the little children version front to back. The one full of great stories of moral high ground. I always questioned that was in my nature.

I came from a religiouse house hold but my parents were by no means model citizens. My dad would go out drinking and doing drugs friday night and saturday night and beat up my mom and then sunday we went to church. The older I got the more rediculouse this seemed. One day our pastor was arrested for molesting a child. I think that might have been the day I decided organized religian wasnt for me.

I was still very narrow minded actually dropping out of biology because I refused to EVEN learn about evelution. I couldnt ever say that people who were homosexual where bad people but I definatly hated there actions and said I would pray for them. I then stayed with a very abusive man for 6 years because I believed god would punish me if I left him because in his eyes I was married to him.

One day it became to much - I left and suspended all believe of anything. Not only of God but of morality itself. I experienced many things I had judged others for doing I decided it was time to make my own desisions about how the world worked.

During this time I met my husband - Brought up by an extremely strict catholic family he to had suspended his belief. For me his existance at a time in my life when I was 2 steps away from living on the streets told me there was a god.

Looking back - its a series of very good descisions that allowed me to meet him made after a series of bad ones. But none the less I made those choices and had I made diffrent ones I would be in a very diffrent place.

2 wounderfull years have gone by we have discussed many things and theories on religian and how it effects people ect. Both never thinking of the possibility that there is no god but just that all religians have it wrong.

Then we ran into Richard Dawkins work one night both of us couldnt get enough. Opening up to us the possibility that god does not exist and even if he does - do we even like him.

Instantly both of us recognized a fear in us to say " there is no god, I deny the holey spirit" meand eternal damnation. I am working with a psyciatrist to recover from the abuse of my childhood as wella s my ex I instantly recognized the feeling as a "trigger" much like I get when trying to do something I was previously harmed for doing.

My husband had a great deal of discusion about this and for him it really came down to - he believed his mother was the authority on God not his priest ( his mother is dead ) so essentially he is afraid of his mothers wrath not god and for him realising there is no god has been liberating.

For me - my version of god has become very diffrent then the christian version or really any version. God is like my imaginary friend. It will hurt his feelings if I say he doesnt exist and I will burn in hell - but that aside. I need him to exist, I need to feel like I am not alone like not matter what I have this made up entity to look up to. I know he isnt the god in the bible because my god doesnt care if people are gay or if you have sex with a women on her period. My god thinks the passion of the christ is sick and the whole bible is twisted.

When I was alone locked in a closet by my brother or locked outside I took solace in knowing that while I could not take my revenge on him one day god would.

I think for me I have a very distorted not factual base believe in god - built on the thought that I had to believe in him or I would burn in hell but knowing I couldnt believe in the god presented to me.

So while I believe that the belief in god is child like much like the belief in Santa Clause I also know that my own experience has led my psyci to need to create a mythical way that I can be safe from those who would or could harm me and some thing that will seek revenge on those who wrong me.

This is a frusterating part of my mind that believes this because it holds it like a security blanket - like letting go of it means my world will crash down and I will have to *gasp* believe in myself and those around me for a change.

Its frusterating for me to see and know I use it as a crutch and yet not be able to let it go.

Its frusterating to know I search to disprove gods existance but yet no amount of proof will ever be enough.

Mind you I find the same comfort in my horses and the same comfort in being sourounded by "gods creations"

I suspect its all reprograming - programmed as a child to not only fear god but learning to find comfort in him.

as you can see this is one long blog of nonsence. here I sit confused trying to balance rational thought with known irational beliefs.

Susan's picture

Welcome, kaosgrl!

Hi kaosgrl,


I'm so sorry you had to experience an abusive family and ex-husband. No child should have to go through any of that. You were a child and had no choice at the time. It's horrible that the authorities did not protect you.

It's rather ironic that you were treated so poorly, yet you have remnents of the religion from your childhood. You have already identified that you got through some of these situations by fantasizing about god's revenge on your brother. That was a child's way of coping when you were not physically able to remove yourself from the situation. "I can't make you stop, but oh boy you'll be sorry some day."

It wasn't god that got you through it. It was YOU, enduring and surviving.

You have a horrible ex-husband. It sounds as if you chose a version of your father, which unfortunately is common. If there were a protective or loving god like you believed as a child, do you think you would have been subjected to abuse?

Yet, YOU got away from him even though you were afraid god would punish you. God didn't remove you from the situation, YOU did. You obviously weren't punished - you were rewarded - because you are now married to a good man.

You have been lucky enough to find a good and intelligent man. If a god had brought you together, don't you think that god would have brought you a religious man, not one who has been divested of belief?

What little belief you might still have, from what I gather from your post, you've gotten a lot of crummy stuff in the past, but yet feel you derive comfort from that belief. That's a bit ironic.

You've had the guts to get help to try and get past your childhood and ex. Yes, that takes a lot of guts and you are doing it for yourself. You are questioning and learning. You are doing it for yourself. You are obviously still questioning the existence of a god. (Hence, the post here.)

Why do you feel that letting go of that last bit of belief will cause your world to crash down? If you look at your timeline, you'll see that the less you believed, the better your life became. You were no longer letting religion guide your decisions. You were able to leave an abusive husband and not make the same mistake a second time. That's a pretty darned good thing right there.

Your horses are not god's creatures. We are, however, in many cases their caregivers. I agree that critters of all kinds are a great source of comfort. (I've whimpered into cat fur many times!) That doesn't mean god made them. You'll see quite a few posts here on the forums attesting to the happiness animals can bring into our lives.

As for attempting to disprove a god, none of us can prove a negative. Why not turn the question around and ask, "How do I prove there IS a god?" Nature isn't proof. You've already started that quest by reading Dr. Dawkins.

Keep reading and learning. If you haven't already seen them, some Dr. Dawkins' talks are on video on the web. (Be sure to see the video when Dr. Dawkins came to the RRS a few months ago.) Join into the forums here at the RRS.

You are so close to believing in yourself and those around you instead of relying on an imaginary friend.

You are obviously a strong and intelligent person and I applaud you for making this journey.

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it's good to get all the

it's good to get all the rambling, conflicting thoughts written down, it helps you sort them out.

you mention that you came to the conclusion that "all the religions just had it wrong."  the religions are the ones who came up with god.  so they're probably wrong about that too, right? 

Fear is the mindkiller.

Thank you

Thank you for this post - you pointed out many things I had not thought of and for that I thank you.  My imaginary friend who can no longer exist with out my belief however does not Sticking out tongue



Hambydammit's picture

What a brave post that was!

What a brave post that was! I wonder if you've thought about the fact that bravery is what is responsible for you being where you are in life, and that bravery is something that belief in god discourages.

Had you not been brave, you'd still be in a far worse place than you are now, but it is an act of pure bravery to risk eternal damnation by actually questioning the very existence of god, right?

If god were good, would he have set up a system so that everyone's eternal salvation or damnation was dependent on them believing in something that doesn't make sense? Why would god make people inquisitive by nature and then punish them for being logical enough to doubt his existence based on abundant evidence that we were not created the way the bible says?

Something else to consider: If you think about your time in abusive relationships, and compare it to the way that god supposedly rules over mankind, you might discover some shocking similarities.

Anyway, know that there are a lot of people here who are anxious to help you through any questions you might be asking.

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin
Books about atheism

Hambydammit,   Thank



Thank you. 




Something else to consider: If you think about your time in abusive relationships, and compare it to the way that god supposedly rules over mankind, you might discover some shocking similarities.


 I have done just that I was both shocked and frightened. I am searching for a book written by some one who dared to do a study on religious indocteration of children and abuse. 

I am in the middle of reading a very good book written by Judith Herman called " trauma and recovery "  which deals with the aftermath of abuse on a political social and demostic scale.