jonah and the whale/big fish/whatever the fuck

iwbiek's picture

still recovering from my vacation--six weeks back stateside, reconnecting with the fam.  the first two weeks were spent in naples, florida, with predictable debauchery.  let's just say when you're bobbing along peacefully on an anchored raft in the clear waters of the gulf of mexico with a tecate sweating in one hand and a fat maduro rothschild clamped between your teeth, you start to think about some stupid shit.  gloriously stupid shit.

my mind being on maritime matters, for obvious reasons, i pondered the story of jonah and the whale (that's right, i fucking said whale, get the fuck over it).  specifically, i pondered the smug response that invariably comes from the vast majority of christians whenever one calls the story by the name it's had for fucking centuries: "jonah and the whale."  the right corner of their mouth turns up, their eyes squint ironically, a quick explosion of air issues from their nostrils, and, in a superior tone only a high-level trekkie confronted with a casual sci-fi fan could approximate, they deliver what apparently is some kind of fucking bombshell in their world: "aaaactually, the bible says big fish."

now, most of us have probably seen bill maher's response to this truism in religulous, and my response was always similar.  but, as the sun slowly penetrated my second coating of spf 30 and the sweet, malty tecate bathed my suffering, myer's-addled brain, i began to get angry.  what a crock of shit!  what a fuckin' con!  seriously!?  you're gonna correct my "whale" with "big fuckin' fish"?  and in the tone of voice of a high school biology teacher???

look, you sadistic prick, you cannibalistic chronic masturbator, we might have the benefit of three centuries of modern biology.  we might know the joys of animal classification.  we fuckin' know, chosen brethren, that a goddamn, motherfucking troglodyte of a cold-blooded big fish cannot be a noble whale!  the fish, that seedy little subnormal retard of the deep, cannot offer a tit to its mewling young as a whale can and most lovingly will, how dare we even put them in the same category!  the fish, a creature so lowly, no matter how "big," that it makes me fucking sick--yea!  i encourage overfishing with almost the same zeal i encourage child rape!--does not breathe god's own fucking air like you and me, we KNOW this, brothers and sisters, say HALLELUJAH and THANK GOD FOR THAT!

the problem is, those sheepfuckers who wrote that book didn't know.  they saw...what?  a mouth and two eyes in the fore of an elongated, slippery body, dotted with fins here and there and ending in a bifurcated tail.  and it was really.  fucking.  big.  what would you call it, if you hadn't had the benefit, the blessing, of your public education to prevent you from making an unforgivable error?  you might..just it a big fuckin' fish.  funny how christians have no problem arguing that some jackoff in the bronze age saw a little deinonychus and decided to call it a "dragon," but the idea, the notion, that the writers of the bible would be so stupid as to mistake a whale for a "big fish"--well, everybody knows you'd have to be a meth-sucking degenerate to even begin to conceive of that!

well, fuck you, acid-freaks.  it was a fuckin' whale.  end of story.

"I have never felt comfortable around people who talk about their feelings for Jesus, or any other deity for that matter, because they are usually none too bright. . . . Or maybe 'stupid' is a better way of saying it; but I have never seen much point in getting heavy with either stupid people or Jesus freaks, just as long as they don't bother me. In a world as weird and cruel as this one we have made for ourselves, I figure anybody who can find peace and personal happiness without ripping off somebody else deserves to be left alone. They will not inherit the earth, but then neither will I. . . . And I have learned to live, as it were, with the idea that I will never find peace and happiness, either. But as long as I know there's a pretty good chance I can get my hands on either one of them every once in a while, I do the best I can between high spots."
--Hunter S. Thompson

harleysportster's picture

ROFLMAO !!!!!!That was

ROFLMAO !!!!!!

That was GREAT, Iwbiek.

I often have wondered what that was about too.

I have people give me this real condescending look and tell me that the Bible says Big Fish.

Either way, it couldn't have happened because a dude that gets swallowed by a fish or a whale is hardly going to be alive and aware and talking to god inside of it. Christ, that sounds like some really bad science fiction. Give me something like The Illiad over that one.


“It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.”
― Giordano Bruno

Brian37's picture

Did you hollow out your

Did you hollow out your "rothchild" and make it a "blunt" , because it sure reads like you did. LOL nice fucking rant!


I had some dipshit argue over Malichi 2:3  "Behold I will corrupt your seed and spread DUNG on your faces". He said "That is the KJV version, the NIV says "refuse". Ok fucker, shit or trash, it still says your nice sky daddy will rub it in your face.



"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37

harleysportster's picture

Funny how

I always find it funny when people will tell me : "He said that, but that is not what he meant." or "Oh, but that is in the Old Testament and that has already been fulfilled." or " Well, your reading the wrong version."

Compartmentalization at its very finest when it comes to twisting logic around to suit whatever they wish.

I actually had someone on line the other day that seriously stated that the only rational explanation for how the dinosaurs became extinct was the fact that they could not fit on the Ark and therefore had to be left behind.

At first I thought that I was dealing with a POE, but when I figured out that he/she was serious, it became difficult to actually take the discussion seriously from that point on.

They concluded the discussion with : "I hate it when people use logic and reasoning to try and disprove my god." He/She even went so far as to say that logic and reasoning were the byproducts of satan.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I hear arguments like these. If you even want to classify such things as arguments that is.

“It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.”
― Giordano Bruno