Pretty funny email.
Offline You May be a Fundamentalist If...
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed
by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the
existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that
people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with
the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a
Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities"
attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how
God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and
ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" --
including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims
about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing
that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a
man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the
sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes
in the scientifically established age of Earth (4.55 billion years),
but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze
Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a
couple of generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the
exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those
in all rival sects -- will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of
Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and
"loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have
failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the
floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to
"prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to
answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works.
And you think that the remaining 99.99% failure was simply the will
of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do
about the Bible, Christianity, and church history -- but still call
yourself a Christian.
Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking!
--The Scarecrow
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Good one.
I read this a while back. This one's still my favorite...
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Denial of the pagan deities is done on a logical basis. Most other religions were polytheistic. Occam's razor would state that it is unnecessary to multiply the entities beyond what is needed to achieve the desired result. It is unnecessary to have hundreds of gods/goddesses each possessing a limited portfolio. One God with an infinite portfolio makes much more sense.
Acceptance of the God of the Bible as the true God is done on His authority: fulfilled prophecy, miracles, and the appearance of His Son. Of course, that assumes that you believe the Bible to be an accurate record of history, which is really a separate issue altogether.
This statement misses the point. We're really concerned with each created after his own kind. If we are nothing but another animal, evolved from a monkey, then morality has no place and situational ethics rule. But if we are made in the image of God, whatever material we are ultimately constructed from, then we have a responsibility to Him and He is our ultimate source of morality.
Again, missing the point. Hades and Zeus were individuals, seperate in every way the same as you are seperate from me. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are united in essense but different in manifestation. They are the same God, revealed in three Persons.
Allah is the tribal deity of Mohammed, one of many in a pantheon of Arabic deities. Allah is not the one true God that we worship. Muslims are the descendants of Ishmael, the firstborn of Abraham. Genesis is very clear that God established His covenant with Issac, not with Ishmael (Gen 17:19-21).
This is important to note, because I'm going to make an extremely unpopular statement right now: As Creator of earth and of all mankind, God has the absolute right to take away what He has given us; in that case life. It is important, therefore, before I make that statement, I must establish why Allah is not God.
Remember that Genesis is part of the Torah, and the Muslims use the Torah in addition to the Koran.
What you fail to understand here is the mystery of the Incarnation. Jesus was fully human and fully divine. He took on the human flesh without discarding His divine nature. He was divine first (Jn 1:1) and became human to fulfill the Law and offer Himself as a sacrifice to the Father for the forgiveness of sins.
Jesus was already God before He became human.
Hindu beliefs seek to go the other direction. They start as human and wish to become divine. Do you see the difference?
Sorry, I'm a day-age creationist, so I have no problem dismissing this one out of hand.
Christianity is supposed to be a very welcoming religion; we are supposed to allow any into our fold. That was radical for the day in which it was founded. Especially our assertion that women were partakers in salvation, and further that men need women because God made both sexes in His image (Gen 1:27).
To say that we're tolerant is not the case at all. That is a seperate issue best discussed in a seperate post.
I agree that someone rolling around on the floor speaking in tongues is an idiot.
I don't believe that history, geology, biology, or physics have made even a dent in Christianty. The problem is one of presupposition: I look at the same evidence you do with the presupposition of God's existence, you look with the presupposition of God's nonexistence. That will lead us to very different conclusions.
I have an entire essay on answers to prayer here.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. --Galileo Galilei
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Nice sense of humor Cory. You do understand that this is supposed to be a parody of fundememntalists right? Now I have to go through and counter every non-sense argument you made. No time now, gotta go to work. I'll catch up later...
So no other animals have morality? The tests where if monkey1 eats monkey2 gets shocked and monkey1 then starves itself (as well as many other different tests with different animals) prove what if not morality?
... and this is why Jesus prayed to God prior to being crucified and asked God why Jesus must go through this? Sounds like a different essense to me in which case if Jesus is worshipped (as he is by almost all catholics) then he's a false idol.
So why doesn't he take away Satan? Why do we continue to pay for God's laziness? Oh wait, "mysterious ways".
Not really, the goal of all catholics is still to join with god and the angels in heaven ... in a way deifying themselves (Poor argument, I know).
I'll reserve my response for a different thread to try and avoid taking this one off topic.
The people are taught to be like that yes, but the argument was also about the end result of all those who while still peaceful happy and morale were sentenced to hell for the petty reason of not following the same beliefs to the letter.
You say it is best discussed as a seperate post, I look forward to that discussion.
Unlike (dare I say) most atheists, this is something I can actually understand. One looking at science as ways of explaining how God did what he did. This though is why I find it so hard to comprehend how people could be willing to ignore all the evidence there is behind the scientific age of the earth and evolution, to me that's just ignorance.
Bookmarked, I'm about to hit the sack.
But on the other hand there's also a lot of very vocal atheists who know a LOT less. Hang on, aren't I meant to be arguing against you not for you? :P
Organised religion is the ultimate form of blasphemy.
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Okay, apply Occam’s razor one more time and eliminate your useless god also. Then the natural explanation of reality is what is left, and that is the true use of Occam’s Razor.
You miss the point. Being created by a deity from dirt for what seems to be his masochistic desire to torture the innocent does not make you special. I feel infinitely more special knowing billions of years of natural history on this planet culminated in my birth. A change to any part of the evolution of life and I very well would not exist.
Again you miss the point. This triune god is just as ridiculous, you sir have a way of rationalizing your beliefs so you do not lose faith. But, in the end, triune is just as silly as polytheism.
This reasoning is morally bankrupt. You are directly responsible for your children’s life, does that mean you can take it away at any time? I think the statement is clear, your god is as much of an ass as allah or any other god.
Again you miss the point. This triune god is just as ridiculous, you sir have a way of rationalizing your beliefs so you do not lose faith.
How very kind of you.
All of this should be discussed in another post. This post was for HUMOR and the stinging reality of some of the comments in the parody were too true for you so you felt the need to rationalize and refute them. Quoting the bible to most of us here is usless, the book holds no weight for many of us.
I posit that YOUR presupposition is what keep you from seeing reality. These scientific disciplines have made a huge dent in christianity and your god had been pushed to the margins of the page, forcing believers to try to find gaps to plug him into.
Sorry, not going for it. There is zero proof any prayer helps. What ever happens whether prayer fails or prayer “succeeds” it is always attributed to “god’s will”. What does work and has direct evidence is getting off your ass working for the things being prayed for.
I agree.
Again Cory, you missed the point of the thread, it was for humor, it was parody. These are things rather peculiar and hilarious about christian fundamentalist beliefs. Sorry if the truthfulness of the statements inspired you to refute each one with some crazy rationalization, you argue your points in many other threads on this board but this particular post is about humor and we have witnessed your complete lack of a sense of humor.