Boston Police Blow Up Suspicious Looking Man

Boston, MA – There were more tense moments today after Boston Police were forced to blow up a suspicious looking man near a lamp post.

An alert city worker called in the man after noticing that he had been leaning against the lamp post for more than ten minutes.

Officer Charlie O'Hara of the bomb squad said, "We got a report of a man loitering in a high-traffic area with a bulky coat and a backpack. We cleared the area, snuck up behind him, attached the explosives and detonated him."

Police later learned the man, Evan Johnson, was waiting for his girlfriend, Cindy Collins, who was getting a cappuccino at a nearby Starbucks. His backpack contained books and all that was under his coat was a "Wish you were beer" t-shirt.

Collins explained why Johnson was by the lamp post. "There was a long line at Starbucks, and Evan wanted to smoke so he waited outside for me. Next thing I know I look up and I see police blowing him up. I always told him that down jacket made him look puffy."

Mr. Johnson is only the latest scare to hit Boston. Last month a marketing stunt by a cartoon show paralyzed the city. Two weeks ago police shut down Boston's largest mall after a teen passed gas in an Abercrombie and Fitch. Just this week police blew up a traffic counting device.

"You can never be too careful," said O'Hara. "I'd rather blow up a hundred innocent people if I can prevent another 9/11."

What the FUCK is this world coming too?!