plan your funeral here (revisited)

mephibosheth's picture
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plan your funeral here (revisited)


I started this thread once before and I must admit I was impressed with more frankness and straightforward answers to my question than I have ever seen on this forum. That thread was lost in the 20 hour crash.

I have talked about the application of my faith in God to death, but would like to read here classic atheist eulogies. How would bold thinking atheists like to be honored on the day of their death?

I would expect "high level moderators" could easily set the example.

I have been assured that this thread was not deleted on purpose and could easily be recreated.

So I hope you wouldn't mind re-stating those, thanks.

Mephibosheth (respectfully in the audience, not the center of attention)






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I don't want a funeral.

I don't want a funeral. People have better things to do then to waste half a day to go to a funeral.

I'll just instruct someone to send an email or text message to people who would want to know. "aiia died recently and says good bye

PS -do you need any body parts?" Cool

People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.

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*ahem* Let me see, how did


Let me see, how did I state it?

You can bar-b-que my remains and feed it to a pack of wolves or a pride of lions.

Maybe even set my corpse in an upright position and let a lion take it down.  Should be a fairly interesting funeral.

Of course you probably don't want to let small children attend.

Definetely put a disclaimer in there somewhere.

"I am an atheist, thank God." -Oriana Fallaci

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  What would be so


What would be so difficult about an atheist funeral? The loved ones of the deceased gather to comfort one another in their mourning, a few of those loved ones stand up and share some fond memories from the life of the deceased, a few may recite poems, a few may choose to sing songs (not hymns), they all take a last viewing, pay their respects, say goodbye, lower the casket, then go home and begin the slow process of recovery.

I find nothing inconceivable, laughable, or even remotely scoffable about this.

I don't know exactly what my loved ones will say about me on the day of my death; I only trust that it will be to remember me for the good things that I did, for the love I showed, for the things I accomplished. I would hope that they would have a few chuckles at my expense over some of the stupid things I did, for old time's sake.


As long as they don't gather to discuss every mistake I ever made before tossing my corpse nonchalantly into a pit and then driving off to snag something from the McDonald's drive-thru without thinking much about it, I'd say the funeral was a success.


Actually, I wouldn't say that, because I'd be dead.


You know what I mean. 

A place common to all will be maintained by none. A religion common to all is perhaps not much different.

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I'd prefer everyone get

I'd prefer everyone get together and say nice things about me but once I'm dead, I guess it won't matter, lol.  I definitely want my funeral to be positive for those who are still alive.  Maybe a band or two and lots of partying. 

If god takes life he's an indian giver

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I thought I had

I thought I had successfully and secretly actioned the conspiracy to get this thread deleted because it was making me uncomfortable?

Sorry about the other useful threads that got deleted as well.

 (p.s. you can use the above as my epitaph if you want)

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aiia wrote: I don't want a

aiia wrote:

I don't want a funeral. People have better things to do then to waste half a day to go to a funeral.

I'll just instruct someone to send an email or text message to people who would want to know. "aiia died recently and says good bye

PS -do you need any body parts?" Cool

Mourning is natural and gathering for the loss of a loved one is natural. NOT IN THE THEIST SENSE AT ALL, but in a natural sense. Even ellephants will rub and carress and bemoan another in their herd.

My problem wouldnt be the gathering itself, but the expense of it. I wouldnt want my friends or family blowing hard earned cash for lavish flowers or casket that I wouldt be aware of anyway.

I would want for my friends and family, if they chose, to gather to remember me in the good times. I know I wouldnt be there, but the people who know me I would hope would have a roast of me. Nothing fancy or expensive. Just a gathering where each would tell stories about what a spaze I am or all the cornball stupid jokes I tell.

I woudnt want people spending money they didnt have and going into dept. 

Donate my body to science. Any gathering done in my memory should be afordable and minimum and a way to remember the good times. 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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Hmmm, yeah well donating my

Hmmm, yeah well donating my body to science might make more sense then feeding it to animals.

All those surgeons in training need to slice and dice some human corpses to get the skills needed to save lives.

But its been done to death. *pun intended*

Maybe I can get sliced up in tiny slivers and put in glass slides so people can flip through my body like the pages of a book to see every section of me.

That would be cool.

They did that to some guy that was executed didn't they?  What was that thing called?

"I am an atheist, thank God." -Oriana Fallaci

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JCE included it before. She

JCE included it before. She rocks and not just because she thinks I'm funny either.



darth_josh, ??, died late last night while mid-coitus with the youngest of his five girlfriends. The coroner's report indicates that there were several substances in darth's body, but could not narrow down which chemical was the likely death cocktail. "It is almost a guarantee that Josh felt no pain upon dying.", said the doctor performing the autopsy.
No services will be held, but there will be a fundraising auction next week to receive bids on what is left of darth's body which the taxidermist is turning into a reading lamp. The proceeds of this auction are to be divided equally among the Rational Response Squad, stem cell research, and darth's own charity for wayward atheist women.
Josh is survived by his five lovely young girlfriends who will inherit his house, four wonderfully successful children busy with their own lives and not in need of any money, one ex-wife of 25+ years, and many angry family members who thought they could cash in on his death.
darth_josh will most fondly be remembered as the person who brought us pod transportation which abolished almost every form of motor vehicle in the world causing gas stations and insurance companies to become non-religious havens for the homeless. Equally as important are his purchases of the 26 churches in a local area that he turned into low-income housing, low-cost food stores, free computer cafes, and libraries.
darth_josh University for Skeptical Inquiry will be using particles gleaned from his brain matter in their next battery of accelerator experiments to prove that his particles react in the same way that any other particle in the universe acts in light speed collisions.
When asked, the local clergy declined to express any sentiment with regard to darth's death, but they could be seen 'high-fiving' in celebration while they were headed to their old beat up vehicles. One anonymous minister was seen crying and burning his bible after hearing the news of darth's death. Sources say this man finally decided to admit his atheism to the world. It is speculated that he will oversee the local release of greydonsquare's fourteenth hit atheist hip-hop album and the Proclaim Creations studio construction expansion.
Local new humanists' reactions were mixed, but most said they would miss the free coffee and drinks that darth provided for their discussions concerning negligent tolerance that have been ongoing for two decades.
There will be no pall-bearers since the only thing needed will be a two-wheeled dolly for loading the stuffed darth lamp into the lucky highest bidder's vehicle. Some question as to whether or not the lamp will be fully-poseable did arise, but no details are known at this time.
Canadian atheists got together over imported American beer and said their final "Fuck you, darth's" before climbing back into their caves for the winter months. One female Canadian atheist decided to dye her hair flourescent green and post half-naked pics of herself on all of the atheist myspace user's comments sections prior to darth's death. She received a posthumous thank you note from darth yesterday.

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I have no eulugies at all,

I have no eulugies at all, and don't really care for them, however a big party with lively (pun intended) music, some punk (DropKick Murphy's Amazing grace and yes I know it's a religious themed song, but i love the bagpipes and this version so kicks ass), lots of rock, dance and hip hop, a flow of alcohol and good friends (assuming they are still alive and I ain't the last), big ass argentinian style BBQ (the whole cow please) and everyone gets 2 minutes to say anything they want about me, good, bad, I don't care, i am dead, and no more than 2 minutes, I have been to funerals where a person talks about every mundane thing they did, 30 minutes or more about nothing, keep it simple and short.

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Just cremate my carcass and

Just cremate my carcass and scatter my ashes over a park so I can rain down on everyone's picnic.  Then throw a party with a pot-luck and music by a local goth band (hopefully, a good one).  No sad euglogies, keep it light.  I've done my damndest to lead good life, harm no one and do the greatest amount of good that I could, and I think I've done a fair to middlin' job.  Of course, if anyone does any of this stuff I won't know the difference after the lights go out anyway.  Ah, hell.  They can do whatever they want, just don't blame it on me.

"Erecting the 'wall of separation between church and state,' therefore, is absolutely essential in a free society." Thomas Jefferson

Iruka Naminori
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I'll be dead and out of the

I'll be dead and out of the picture, so what happens to my body doesn't matter to me. In my Living Will, I've asked that my body be donated to science. If my wishes are carried out, there will be nothing to bury. I've also asked that any memorial service by led by a friend of mine and be completely religion-free. I don't want my death to be an opportunity for religious nuts to prey on the emotionally vulnerable.

I made up my living will a couple of years ago, just before I had major surgery. I was on the outs with my religious family (yeah, again Smiling ), so I really didn't have anyone but an acquaintance who is a Quaker. There were no prayers, no bowing down before god to ask for a smooth procedure. I'd been under general anaesthesia several times before. Once, I had a strange experience while coming to, so I was a little concerned about it happening again.

I was also concerned about losing my voice (I'm a singer) or my mobility (who wouldn't be?). Still, I didn't fall on my face before god and beg him to guide the surgeon's hands or any such nonsense.

Two discs in my neck were removed and replaced by donor bone. Occasionally, I think about the dead person and feel thankful. More rarely, I think about the dead person and feel a little "weirded out" if I dwell on it for too long. Smiling

The procedure did not go smoothly. Instead of taking three hours, it took six. My neck was open to the bone for six hours while they re-shaped the bone grafts to my very small and gracile cervical vertebrae, then used six screws to secure a titanium plate over the bones to be fused.

Unexpected issues notwithstanding, I made it through surgery. I have my voice. I have my mobility. My right hand had lost some sensation prior to the surgery and it still hasn't come back. I'm getting to the point where I don't notice.

Afterward, the Quaker lady said she was impressed by the way I simply faced the situation and did what I had to do. Had I been a Christian, there would have been a lot of praying and the result would have been the same.

In the end, we all have to face the music, whether it's major surgery or death. Theists can try to make believe that someone up there has their best interests at heart, but deep down, they must know it's not so. They pray, they beseech, but under the same circumstances, they're just as likely as a non-religious person to have a tough surgery, lose their voice, lose their ability to walk.

I'm glad I didn't have post-surgery complications...really glad. When I had LASIK surgery several years ago, I was one of those 1 in 5000 statistics. I did have complications and was basically blind for a couple of months and went through a lot of pain and fear until it got sorted out.

If he maketh the rain to fall on the just and the unjust, what's the point of praying? If his will is going to be done no matter what, why pray? Are you going to change his mind? I don't think so.  If god is all-knowing, all-powerful, perfect and benevolent, he can't change his mind.  His original decision was the the most perfect and benevolent, so any change of heart could only be less perfect and then he wouldn't be god, would he? Smiling

“Fear believes--courage doubts. Fear falls upon the earth and prays--courage stands erect and thinks. Fear is barbarism--courage is civilization. Fear believes in witchcraft, devils and ghosts. Fear is religion. Courage is science.” - Robert Ingersoll

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Tbh i don't realy care what

Tbh i don't realy care what happens to my body after im dead. Not like ill ever have use for it again now will i? lol


But if i was pressed i would say i would have my body flown down to the south pole a deep hole dug in a glacier and my body dumped in it and frozen solid.

Hopefully my body will provide someone or something (Aliens) with a mystery in a few million years or so. lol

As to a funeral.. I don't want one. I would much rather have people have a party to celebrate.