It seems that I've spent my entire life progressing to the conclusion that I'm an atheist (I'm 26 years old now).  I was born into a Catholic family and was told about God, Jesus, Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy from the time I was old enough to understand words.  My family took me to church every Sunday (which I still recall absolutely dreading).  I was sent to a Catholic grade school and a Catholic high school.  When I was younger I believed in God and Jesus as much as I believed in the other fictional characters my parents told me were real.  I found out in school one day when I was probably about 10 years old that Santa Clause was not real.  I confronted my parents with this realization and they attempted to lie to me but soon gave in and told me the truth.  I wasn't able to understand why they would lie to me. 

I began to question all the other characters I was told about who I had never seen any proof of.  They admitted they all were a lie except for God and Jesus.  When I pressed further they told me that the Bible is proof of God and Jesus.  I was too young to take much interest in reading the Bible so I accepted what they told me blindly.  The second time I questioned the reality of the Biblical God was in high school when I was required to take a Bible study class.  After actually reading the Bible I couldn't rationally convince myself that what I was reading was factual.  I remember taking an advanced chemistry class that was taught by a Father of the school church and questioning him on how he could believe in God with his vast knowledge of science.  He replied, "science explains things up until a certain point and after that my faith comes in."  It seemed like a fair enough answer to me and I wasn't really out to debate him, I was just curious based on my newly found knowledge of the Bible. 

By the time I graduated high school I was somewhat apathetic about the Bible and God.  It just didn't seem to play any role in my life at the time, but if people asked I would still say I was Catholic.  I would say that because I thought that was a good thing.  When I turned 20 I started to develop a massive drug problem with disassociatives.  This would go on for nearly 2 years.  During this time I became obsessed with the Bible.  As my drug problem worsened so did my delusions.  For the first and only time in my life did I actually believe that the Bible was God's devine word.  I eventually got to the point where I thought God was actually talking to me and was telling me to do things.  This is obviously delusional and dangerous behavior.  My friends and family all thought I was losing my mind and rightly so...I WAS!  I was able to get myself off of drugs.  As the drugs left my system, reality crept back in.  With time I found my way back to some kind of normalcy and began to really think about my beliefs. 

I thought about Pascal's wager before ever hearing it.  I thought maybe if I just say I believe in God that I'll be saved from hell.  Then my Christian friends upped the ante and told me that I had to accept Jesus Christ as my savior in order to be safe from hell.  What if Islam is right though?  Or maybe the Jewish faith is the way to go.  All these thoughts stemming from a fear that was instilled in me when I was a small child.  Inside I was an atheist or maybe agnostic, but outside I felt like I had to be a Christian in order to appease my friends and family.  Only in the last year have I started to open up about my feelings about God and religion.  It's strange, my brother is actually a theologian and he's accepted my lack of belief in God more than any other person.  I would guess it's because he's not as ignorant and intolerant as the other Christian people in my life. 

It's still scary to me to be openly agnostic or openly atheist (I'm still not sure which one I am, I kind of think of myself as an agnostic atheist or a weak atheist).  I have a strong desire to discuss Christian beliefs with my Christian friends, but they always get mad at me when I refute what they are saying so I try to avoid it.  I've only recently discovered this site and I love it completely.  I just felt like this forum would be the best place to be able to openly express these feelings without the fear of being ridiculed or alienated.  I'd love to hear feedback on my post and to feel some love Rational Response style!  Seriously though, thanks for reading this it means a lot to me.