Dad came back

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Dad came back

  I have a personal matter I would like to post just becuase I don't know enyone who would really understand it.  Maybe some her do.  I'll keep it short.  When I was 11 my dad left the house, and divorced my mom.  Moved to powel river and I never seen him again.  Both my Parents were Jehovah's Witnesses although he got booted out when I was about 7 for a bunch of stuff I can't remember.  So needless to say both my parents are total cooks.  I barely speak to my mom cuz she's so spaced out from that cult it really creeps me out.  My dad isn't an evil guy persay, he's manic depressive and was certainly abusive to me and my sister but not as bad as truly abusive fathers could be, he did alote of good aswell.  Emotionally he's  a wreck, and has a very strange way about himself. 

 

  So 15 years later my dad has found my sister on facebook and contacted her.  She can't handle him atall and falls apart upon seeing pictures of him.  So I stepped in  and pretty much nailed him to the wall and really couldn't hold back the verbal assault.  He's sent me some more loopy messages trying to explain himself, and really I have no idea what to do.  On the one hand he is part douchebag and I'd like to break his nose, on the other hand he's my father and an old man now and I don't know if it is rational to not allow him to attempt to communicate with his children.  Also he's still somewhat involved with the Joho's although they won't let him in and I don't think he tries.  He certain;y still has some strange religious views even if they're some newly concocted form of his own.

 

What do I do with this guy.  To me, he his just that some guy I feel no connection to him atall after this long.         


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If I may.

 

 

 

                  Can I suggest that you send him an email with your above post. Then wait for his response.

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If I were your dad - which

If I were your dad - which by Jove I hope that I'm not - I'd tell you to go fuck yourself.

What's the deal? That you're disappointed with his lack of perfection? Well fuck you, halo kid.

WTF do you know about life? I am totally on your father's side in this issue, based upon what you wrote.

I will only ask you to consider this: It's better to regret what you did than what you didn't.

(As you get older, that will make all the sense in the world to you.)

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Marquis wrote:If I were your

Marquis wrote:

If I were your dad - which by Jove I hope that I'm not - I'd tell you to go fuck yourself.

What's the deal? That you're disappointed with his lack of perfection? Well fuck you, halo kid.

WTF do you know about life? I am totally on your father's side in this issue, based upon what you wrote.

I will only ask you to consider this: It's better to regret what you did than what you didn't.

(As you get older, that will make all the sense in the world to you.)

 

Easy buddy.  I left out other things, like the things he did to my sister, like giving her a blackeye when she fought back to his beating one daywhen she was 7.  They took her out of school for a week and we didn';t go to church to hide it.  Like other things I'm sure you could imagine.  You don't have a fucking clue what you are talking about, so don't lip off to me.  If you have a perspective from a fathers side go ahead, that's what I posted it for.  But don't come here were I'm asking for advice and personal experience with your bullshit.  Fuck you to, cunt!  


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:o

I met my dad once.

 

If he is offering his hand out, I would at least give him a chance. Not everyone gets that opportunity.

 

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NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:Fuck

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Fuck you to, cunt!  

 

LOL!

Fair enough.

Just remember that even bad people get mellow when they finally realise that they are mortal and it's going downhill.

Look at it as if he's giving you (as well himself) a chance to get all the shit out and onto the table.

Look at it as your chance to unburden yourself and say what you really feel about it all. Even if that turns out to be "nothing".

Life has a pesky tendency to be a one-way street with no turning back and no second chances.

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I got everything on the

I got everything on the table.  The problem is, what's next?  I don't really feel like saying much more, but he keeps emailing me?  He's very strange, and a little nuts.  Once the police called my sister's house when I was 18 asking if a Marcel was our father.  He was at the police station in Powel River making a big scene sayin I was kidnapped or something.  The police lady on the phone asked my sister if he was a little off, they calmed him down and saw him the door.  I can't help but be wierded out by this guy.  His violence may have mellowed out I don't know, but his crazy surely hasn't I can see from his emails.   


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Can you be safe?

Can you be safe? There may be a tendency to give him the power he had over you as a child. You might ask yourself what you want from a relationship. Can you identify some reasonable, safe initial goals? Will you give him money? Let him visit at your home? Are there things you need from him before you move to a next step? An apology? An agreement not to discuss religion? Some groundrules, like no yelling or blaming? Meet in a neutral place? He should expect to earn your trust, and should understand and respect how the way he violated his responsibilities have natural consequences. If he is willing to take on the work of owning up to the damage he has done, and working to undo the damage, I'd say go slowly. If he is essentially the same angry person, then you'd only be putting youself at risk for more pain and little reward.


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On the one hand, he's your

On the one hand, he's your father, and he'll always be your father, and you only get one father. On the other hand, that's no guarantee that your father can't be an enormous douchebag.

While the latter is true, don't let that blind you to the former.

Without much info to go on, I would recommend at the very least keeping tabs on him, so you have some sense of where he is and what's going on with him. Just so you know whether he's alive or dead, mentally competent or mentally ill, that kind of thing. That way at least you will have important information which may be relevant to you in the future, such as hereditary medical conditions (you mentioned bipolar, right?), etc.

The next level beyond that would be 'keeping the lines of communication open'. Just minimal contact, like a yearly birthday card, or a phone call or something. The purpose of this is that things may eventually change, and he may come to some semblance of sense, and if you're in contact, then a relationship can be repaired or rebuilt from scratch.

The next level might be an attempt to slowly re-normalize the relationship, which would involve you getting your grievances aired, and seeing if he's willing to play ball and try to reconcile.

The next level after that might be active reconciliation. If he's feeling guilty, he might be looking to atone for his past issues. If so, it might be worth the risk to let him try, and see where it goes. Best case scenario, he starts to come around and take responsibility for his past, and begin building a relationship again.

Etc.

I think the key at this point is to take an arms-length approach. Protect yourself first. Don't let him barge into your life and start messing with it. If he's bipolar, it is notoriously difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who has bipolar. Like serious alcoholism, the bipolar comes to dominate the relationship. If he's hurt you and your sister in the past, it will probably be very hard to re-establish a relationship with him having bipolar, unless he's getting effective treatment for it; the emotional triggers are probably deep, and an outbreak of mania will probably mess with your heads pretty badly.

On the other hand, something good may come of it. You never know. Take your time, test the waters. If he's trying to contact you, there's probably a reason. Find out what it is. It could be douchebaggery, but it could be sincere.

Definitely, though, you need to start with what *you* want out of it, and whether you're willing to risk it. For instance, you may want to get some stuff off your chest and you may be open to reconciliation, but you don't want to risk him messing up your life at the same time. In that case, you might be willing to meet with him at a neutral location, prepare some stuff you want to bring up to get off your chest, and be willing to listen to his side of things, but to protect yourself you could set a time limit on the meeting and tell yourself not to get sucked in to his world, and also if he shows any signs of anger or violence that you will cut the meeting short and simply leave. The point is that you have to decide what you're comfortable with, and prepare your boundaries ahead of time so you're not caught off guard by whatever emotional stuff that might pop up unexpectedly (he is your dad, after all, there's got to be some emotion there, even if it's buried deep). By starting from what *you* want, rather than trying to figure out what 'the right thing' to do is, you are more likely to get a positive result.

You have the upper hand here. You are currently independent of him, and he appears to be the one trying to make contact. It is your choice whether to allow that or not, whether to proceed or withdraw. There are possible benefits and risks. But you're in control of how to weigh those options. Don't concern yourself with 'the right thing' or doing anything for his sake. If you're going to try to make contact, it should be because that's what you want for yourself. With that in mind, it should be easier to figure out how you want to handle it.

I've heard of these kinds of situations going either way. Sometimes the relationship can be recovered, and even blossom. Other times, the damage is too deep or the mental illness too overwhelming or the religious craziness too crazy. Decide what you want, protect yourself first, and go from there.

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NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:I

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:

I got everything on the table.  The problem is, what's next?  I don't really feel like saying much more, but he keeps emailing me?  He's very strange, and a little nuts.  Once the police called my sister's house when I was 18 asking if a Marcel was our father.  He was at the police station in Powel River making a big scene sayin I was kidnapped or something.  The police lady on the phone asked my sister if he was a little off, they calmed him down and saw him the door.  I can't help but be wierded out by this guy.  His violence may have mellowed out I don't know, but his crazy surely hasn't I can see from his emails.   

You don't have to give him a second chance if you don't feel like doing so.If you think he is going to make your life more difficult it's better to stay away from him.I find it interesting how some humans go about their lives hurting the people around them without caring at all because they are at their prime, big and strong. Then one day they realize that they aren't young anymore so it's time to turn over a new leaf,how convenient.

 

 

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Take your time mate

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:

  I have a personal matter I would like to post just becuase I don't know enyone who would really understand it.  Maybe some her do.  I'll keep it short.  When I was 11 my dad left the house, and divorced my mom.  Moved to powel river and I never seen him again.  Both my Parents were Jehovah's Witnesses although he got booted out when I was about 7 for a bunch of stuff I can't remember.  So needless to say both my parents are total cooks.  I barely speak to my mom cuz she's so spaced out from that cult it really creeps me out.  My dad isn't an evil guy persay, he's manic depressive and was certainly abusive to me and my sister but not as bad as truly abusive fathers could be, he did alote of good aswell.  Emotionally he's  a wreck, and has a very strange way about himself. 

 

  So 15 years later my dad has found my sister on facebook and contacted her.  She can't handle him atall and falls apart upon seeing pictures of him.  So I stepped in  and pretty much nailed him to the wall and really couldn't hold back the verbal assault.  He's sent me some more loopy messages trying to explain himself, and really I have no idea what to do.  On the one hand he is part douchebag and I'd like to break his nose, on the other hand he's my father and an old man now and I don't know if it is rational to not allow him to attempt to communicate with his children.  Also he's still somewhat involved with the Joho's although they won't let him in and I don't think he tries.  He certain;y still has some strange religious views even if they're some newly concocted form of his own.

 

What do I do with this guy.  To me, he his just that some guy I feel no connection to him atall after this long.         

 

There's no great rush. Why not just email each other and talk about your feelings and just see? He obviously still feels connected to you and under your anger and resentment it's obviously at least a bit mutual. Don't hurry over this one. And talk to people closer to you than we are. Talk to mum and sis and your mates. And maybe a counselor something. You only get one dad. You'll wind up fathering the bastard one way or another - even if just in your head. Of course, if after getting a feel for the man you want to stay hands off, make that decision.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Great post thanks natural

Great post thanks

 

natural wrote:

If he's trying to contact you, there's probably a reason. Find out what it is. It could be douchebaggery, but it could be sincere.

His wife died last year.  He is definetly sincere,  his motives are genuine and I think the main part of him is to.  But this is what I find confusing because he's generally a good guy, but he can turn on a dime and do all kinds of nutty things and I don't think he can control it.  I don't think it's really him all the time, he is heavily medicated for his moods.   I guess in the end I just don't feel like I want any relationship with him, that's just how it feels.  But part of me can't help but think that is the wrong thing to do.     


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protect yourself

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:

Great post thanks

natural wrote:

If he's trying to contact you, there's probably a reason. Find out what it is. It could be douchebaggery, but it could be sincere.

His wife died last year.  He is definetly sincere,  his motives are genuine and I think the main part of him is to.  But this is what I find confusing because he's generally a good guy, but he can turn on a dime and do all kinds of nutty things and I don't think he can control it.  I don't think it's really him all the time, he is heavily medicated for his moods.   I guess in the end I just don't feel like I want any relationship with him, that's just how it feels.  But part of me can't help but think that is the wrong thing to do.     

I can't tell you what is best for you, but I can tell you what happened to me.  My dad is an alcoholic - not recovering.  Not now, not then, probably not ever.  He was not bad to live with when I was a child.  Largely not there for us emotionally and often not physically.  I have some very strange memories of playing around the local VFW bar while he drank.  And then my mom hitting the roof when I told her where we were.

To keep it short, when they divorced, I was old enough to refuse to visit him.  And I didn't.  My sister did the parental visits as a child and kept in touch when she was an adult.  With the encouragement of my husband, I got back in touch with my dad.  Less than a year later, I changed my phone number and told my sister to never again give it to my dad.

Am I glad I made the effort?  Yes.  Am I glad I cut off all further contact?  Yes.  I can not deal with his problems.  I can not fix them.  I am glad I was able to rediscover this as an adult.  I could have joined one of the support groups for families of alcoholics, but for me it just wasn't worth the continuing hassle.

You have to do what is right for you but my recommendation is to always protect yourself.  Get counseling or support if you need it.  This site looks good: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home

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cj wrote: I can't tell you

cj wrote:

 

I can't tell you what is best for you, but I can tell you what happened to me.  My dad is an alcoholic - not recovering.  Not now, not then, probably not ever.  He was not bad to live with when I was a child.  Largely not there for us emotionally and often not physically.  I have some very strange memories of playing around the local VFW bar while he drank.  And then my mom hitting the roof when I told her where we were.

To keep it short, when they divorced, I was old enough to refuse to visit him.  And I didn't.  My sister did the parental visits as a child and kept in touch when she was an adult.  With the encouragement of my husband, I got back in touch with my dad.  Less than a year later, I changed my phone number and told my sister to never again give it to my dad.

Am I glad I made the effort?  Yes.  Am I glad I cut off all further contact?  Yes.  I can not deal with his problems.  I can not fix them.  I am glad I was able to rediscover this as an adult.  I could have joined one of the support groups for families of alcoholics, but for me it just wasn't worth the continuing hassle.

 

  Now that's what I was looking for someone who went through it.  My dad's an alcoholic to, although it's more when he starts he can't stop but he can not start for long periods of time.  I'm feeling the same way that I can't fix his propblems, and they are not my problems, and I can't really deal with him.  But I guess it would be good to give communication a shot, like you said you felt better knowing you tried.  I agree.   I just don't know how to approach it, the situation is so foreign to me like I have absolutely nothing to compare it to, theirs so much backstory, it's really confusing me.  All I know is I don't feel comfortable about him atall.      


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NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:But

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
But this is what I find confusing because he's generally a good guy, but he can turn on a dime and do all kinds of nutty things and I don't think he can control it.

If what you said about being bipolar/manic depressive is accurate, then look no further than that to clear up your confusion. It is one of the most severe mental illnesses, and one of the most damaging to personal relationships. He cannot control it, not at all. But that doesn't make it any less harmful to you. Bipolar is a physical brain condition, not simply a thinking pattern or habit like some milder forms of anxiety or depression. Even with medication, he won't be completely normal. I think I understand your user-name now.

Quote:
I guess in the end I just don't feel like I want any relationship with him, that's just how it feels.  But part of me can't help but think that is the wrong thing to do.     

You did not give him bipolar. You did not ask to be his son. It is not your responsibility. He was the adult and was the responsible party in your childhood. You don't owe him anything. If you feel that you want zero to do with him, and you're sure of that (e.g. you're sure you won't change your mind in the future), then the *right* thing to do *for you* is to have zero to do with him. Why torture yourself?

On the other hand, if you think that there may be something there worth salvaging in the future, then maybe it's just a matter of the shock of having him suddenly appearing out of nowhere, and maybe you'll be able to take him in small doses.

From this extra info you gave, it appears to me that he has serious bipolar, and maybe the reality of that has yet to sink in for you. He is likely to mess with your life if you let him get close. He is good deep down, and sincere, but the mental illness is too severe to allow for a healthy relationship. You may not be prepared to handle this yet. On the other hand, you might be able in the future to get something out of it.

I would probably take the 'keep the lines of communication open' approach for the short term, until the shock wears off and you have a better idea of what you really want (if anything) from a relationship with him. Start some counseling for yourself, if you aren't already, and begin confronting and learning how your family situation has shaped you and affected you. In this process, you'll probably start to learn a lot about yourself, and you may eventually decide you want to talk to your dad again, in small doses. If you've kept the lines of communication open, then you'll have this option later, when you're ready to do it on your terms.

While you're doing that, you can keep in touch with him from arm's length with a couple of emails a year, or whatever you feel comfortable with. Let him know whatever you feel comfortable telling him. E.g. if you want to rant, rant. If it's only 'happy birthday', that's fine too.

If even that is too much messing in your life, you can cut him off later. But I think it's too early to tell, from what you've said. Once the shock wears off, and if you get some decent counseling, you'll have a better idea of how you want to handle it. There's no rush, and the only 'right' thing is what you yourself want out of it. You are under no obligations to him at all.

IMHO.

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NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:I

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:

I got everything on the table.  The problem is, what's next?   

 

Like the others have said, it is obviously your emotional equilibrium you need to look out for. Only you can know whether you are strong enough to deal with that shit without getting upset. And FYI: We all have crazy families. Or at least most of us. Mine certainly was! The few that come from harmonious homes are a minority who have no clue about these things. Also: The archetype of a "parent" is incredibly strong. Most never overcome it. That parental authority lingers like a ghost of the mind and makes you fall into a pattern of habit that was by and large established before you had any mind of your own. So it is of course very very hard indeed to reshape your own mind so that shit like this won't get to you. But it is worth the work, because - and this is the scariest bit of it all - we all have a tendency to become just like our parents over time. Just sayin'. That is, unless you devise some way of claiming that authority of the parent figures as your own. Objectively speaking, at this point in time, between you and your father, you are clearly and undoubtedly the stronger one. The one who has a future. But do you believe in that yourself?

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My father can be a huge

My father can be a huge prick ~ when he is drinking ~ which is often - he is an alcoholic. He has been that way as long as I have memory. My mom, sisters and I would walk around on eggshells, waiting for someone to say the wrong thing and initiate a venom-spewing response from my dad. Verbally abusive, sometimes physically (often the threat was the name of the game) we all lived in a house where 90% of the time you felt unloved.

With that being said, I love my father.

He hasn't changed much...but I have! 

He knows he can't scare me, can't get a rise out of me, and has no control over me. Because I told him so. As a matter of fact, I told him that I forgave him for being such an uncaring, unavailable member of our family.

He has recognized that he can be awful when drinking and since he wants to be around his kids, will refrain from drinking during interactions.

If you feel safe and not threatened by your father, you should reach out to him. Maybe tell him he can communicate with you instead of your sister for now...see how things go?

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Renee Obsidianwords wrote:My

Renee Obsidianwords wrote:

My father can be a huge prick ~ when he is drinking ~ which is often - he is an alcoholic. He has been that way as long as I have memory. My mom, sisters and I would walk around on eggshells, waiting for someone to say the wrong thing and initiate a venom-spewing response from my dad. Verbally abusive, sometimes physically (often the threat was the name of the game) we all lived in a house where 90% of the time you felt unloved.

With that being said, I love my father.

He hasn't changed much...but I have! 

He knows he can't scare me, can't get a rise out of me, and has no control over me. Because I told him so. As a matter of fact, I told him that I forgave him for being such an uncaring, unavailable member of our family.

He has recognized that he can be awful when drinking and since he wants to be around his kids, will refrain from drinking during interactions.

If you feel safe and not threatened by your father, you should reach out to him. Maybe tell him he can communicate with you instead of your sister for now...see how things go?

 

   I commend you for being so mature and having an active relationship with your ex-abusive father.  I don't know if I can do the same, certainly not yet anyway.  I had to tell him not to contact my sister except in response to her because he was bombarding her aswell and she is not emotionally disconnected to the situation obviously it was much different for her than me as a child.  She took his poppin up pretty hard.       


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natural wrote:If what you

natural wrote:

If what you said about being bipolar/manic depressive is accurate, then look no further than that to clear up your confusion.

 

My parents only used the term manic depressive to describe it, if it is the exact same disorder as bipolar then yes he was and was openly medicated for it.  He also has a skull fracture from a falling accident as a child before he was adopted, and was in a coma for a month.

 

 

natural wrote:

 From this extra info you gave, it appears to me that he has serious bipolar, and maybe the reality of that has yet to sink in for you. He is likely to mess with your life if you let him get close. He is good deep down, and sincere, but the mental illness is too severe to allow for a healthy relationship. You may not be prepared to handle this yet.

I don't think I am, especially because I don't know enough about it, how severe it is, and whats really wrong with him.  All I remember as a kid is he would go way to far loving, awkward almost to non-loving and mean.  He was so over emotional that when he would feel love and happiness it was like amplified, too much he over did it, and the same went for anger and depression etc.. on the flip side.   He was all over the place and there was no predicting it.   

natural wrote:

and if you get some decent counseling,

I'm not much for counseling, my family went when he left when I was 11, didn't much care for it all.  I'm sure there are much better shrinks than the terribly annoying lady we had, still I don't think that will be happining anytime soon. 


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Marquis wrote:. Also: The

Marquis wrote:

. Also: The archetype of a "parent" is incredibly strong. Most never overcome it. That parental authority lingers like a ghost of the mind and makes you fall into a pattern of habit that was by and large established before you had any mind of your own.

So true, when he contacted us I instantly referred to him as "pappa" (he is french canadian as it is what we called him) when talking to my sister, when I've been referring to him as Marcel for a decade.  It was an instant reaction I had to think not to do it.   

 

Marquis wrote:

So it is of course very very hard indeed to reshape your own mind so that shit like this won't get to you. But it is worth the work, because - and this is the scariest bit of it all - we all have a tendency to become just like our parents over time. Just sayin'. That is, unless you devise some way of claiming that authority of the parent figures as your own. Objectively speaking, at this point in time, between you and your father, you are clearly and undoubtedly the stronger one. The one who has a future. But do you believe in that yourself?

Infact I'm quite aware of our similarities and the traits he's past along to me. He is a brilliant guitar player the best I've ever known, and passed music on to me.  I have his cooky creative side it's just not merely as cooky. We have alote in common, our interests are pretty much exactly the same.  I definetly have his temper but don't seem to have any real problem controlling my behavior.   I certainly can't see myself hitting my child, no matter how mad they made me.       


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NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:I'm

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:

I'm not much for counseling, my family went when he left when I was 11, didn't much care for it all.  I'm sure there are much better shrinks than the terribly annoying lady we had, still I don't think that will be happining anytime soon. 

An alternative to professional counseling is to find a local support group for people with similar issues as what you're facing. I don't know of any specific ones for your situation, but you can probably find something by asking around if there's any group for people dealing with mentally-ill loved ones. Contact a local mental health service and see if they have any recommendations. It may not be specifically related to bipolar or even mental-health specifically, but just dealing with life and personal relationships in general.

The advantage of such groups is that they are free, low commitment, often anonymous, and you'll get to hear similar stories as yourself, as well as the chance to explore your own story in a non-judgmental atmosphere. Sometimes it's enough just to know you're not alone, by finding someone who's story is much like your own. Often, you'll learn a lot about yourself and your situation just by listening to others. And if you talk about your own stuff too, you'll learn a lot more about yourself.

If you're unsure what you want in your relationship with your dad, learning more about yourself, and the forces that shaped you, is essential. Otherwise, as Marquis hinted, you'll end up going by habit, and you got your habits from growing up in an unhealthy family, with unhealthy parents, so they're likely to be unhealthy habits. It's also essential for your future relationships, too. If you don't attempt to learn about yourself, those habits will usually run your life, automatically, and beneath your conscious awareness. Careful, in 30 years it might be you trying to contact your estranged son/daughter, wondering how it all fell apart so tragically. It happens more often than people like to admit, that they repeat the mistakes of their parents, even when they vowed never to let it happen. Better to start learning about yourself and your past sooner rather than later. IMHO.

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NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:  I

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:

  I have a personal matter I would like to post just becuase I don't know enyone who would really understand it.  Maybe some her do.  I'll keep it short.  When I was 11 my dad left the house, and divorced my mom.  Moved to powel river and I never seen him again.  Both my Parents were Jehovah's Witnesses although he got booted out when I was about 7 for a bunch of stuff I can't remember.  So needless to say both my parents are total cooks.  I barely speak to my mom cuz she's so spaced out from that cult it really creeps me out.  My dad isn't an evil guy persay, he's manic depressive and was certainly abusive to me and my sister but not as bad as truly abusive fathers could be, he did alote of good aswell.  Emotionally he's  a wreck, and has a very strange way about himself. 

 

  So 15 years later my dad has found my sister on facebook and contacted her.  She can't handle him atall and falls apart upon seeing pictures of him.  So I stepped in  and pretty much nailed him to the wall and really couldn't hold back the verbal assault.  He's sent me some more loopy messages trying to explain himself, and really I have no idea what to do.  On the one hand he is part douchebag and I'd like to break his nose, on the other hand he's my father and an old man now and I don't know if it is rational to not allow him to attempt to communicate with his children.  Also he's still somewhat involved with the Joho's although they won't let him in and I don't think he tries.  He certain;y still has some strange religious views even if they're some newly concocted form of his own.

 

What do I do with this guy.  To me, he his just that some guy I feel no connection to him atall after this long.         

 

 

Respect should be earned not given.

If you don't want to have anything to do with him block him outta your life and don't look back.   Sure looks to me like he hasn't done anything worthy of your respect so tell him to GTFO and block him via email, FB, and whatever other means he has of contact.

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such."
Homer Simpson


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1. If you have the emotional

1. If you have the emotional fortitude to cut him off if it goes badly, then cautiously reach out to him.  Or if you feel enough loyalty to put up with him even if it does go badly.

2. If you think you might get sucked into his chaos if things go badly, I would consider cutting him out.

 

You know yourself a lot better than we do, and that is what it boils down to.  For everyone's sake I hope you fit into option 1 because even if it goes badly you will feel better about yourself if you try.

Everything makes more sense now that I've stopped believing.


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reply to a number of posts

For those who also have alcoholic family members, I know how hard it is.  Thank you for being open.  My dad was never abusive, just not there.  Sort of like the mime in the invisible box, I'm the mime, the box was around my dad. 

For NoMoreCrazyPeople:

I got in touch with my dad by phone.  This was pre-email, pre-internet days.  We lived many miles apart and we eventually hung together for a couple of days when Dad and my stepmother came to visit us and some other friends in Tucson.  After the visit, it was way too many phone calls at crazy hours.  My recommendation is to create an email account somewhere free, and try not to let him know the address of your favorite email account(s).  Communicate through the dummy account.  If you have to, you can blow it away without disrupting all the lists and such you have already set up.  If you have already let him know your primary email account, plan on moving to a new one and get started changing everything.  I have three accounts with different providers.  I recommend multiple accounts for everyone.  You never know when you will have to pull the plug.  Yes, this attitude is part from my childhood, but it is also from being IT for 20+ years.

Also, NMCP, counseling is for you, not for the therapist.  It is finding someone you are comfortable with.  When you were a child, you went to someone your mom was happy with.  If you see a counselor, or attend a group, or join a support blog, if you are uncomfortable, fire them, and find someone else.  I have seen four (?) different therapists, and have finally found someone I like and who has the right amount of care and concern that is comfortable for me and who I can trust.  It isn't the therapist's or your fault if you do not get along with each other.  Like finding a new friend, you just keep trying until you find someone you can trust.  And, also like finding friends, sometimes you make a mistake and what you thought was going to be a beautiful relationship, isn't.  And the correct response is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.  (For the younger people, yes that is a dopey song from a long time ago.)

Part of having a parent who is less than supporting (maybe even big time abusive), is not learning that people can be trustworthy.  Some people have a small group of people they can trust, some people learn to trust no one, and some people are easily able to trust.  It all depends on the support group you had as a child.  I encourage you to strive to have at least a small group you can trust, in person as well as on line.

-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.

-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.

"We are entitled to our own opinions. We're not entitled to our own facts"- Al Franken

"If death isn't sweet oblivion, I will be severely disappointed" - Ruth M.


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Thanks to everyone for their

Thanks to everyone for their 2 cents.  I think I'm going to keep him in my fake email account for now and keep it formal.  I was thinking more as a joke to invite him to the site change my pic and not tell enyone who he is.  Just to see what he's like, what he believes, and how he articulates it.  I don't really want to have extensive private conversations with him, but I am a little curious what he believes and how his head works, it woould be interesting.