Atheist Hymn for singing during Buy-Nothing Month

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Atheist Hymn for singing during Buy-Nothing Month

Sheet music for the original hymn available on the web

Softly and Tenderly Jesus Is Calling(to shoppers like you and like me)  1.    Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,            shoppers like you and like me;        see, on the portals the merchants and Satan,watching and waiting for thee. Refrain:                     Go home, stay home;                      Gather your wallets go home;                      earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,                      calling, O shoppers, go home!   2.    Why keep on shopping when Jesus is pleading,       pleading for you and for me?        Why should we linger and spend all our savings,       Money we someday will need?        (Refrain)   3.    Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing,       soon you’ll forget where you parked;        shadows are gathering, coupons expiring,       get thee back home before dark.        (Refrain)   4.    O for the wonderful love he has promised,       promised for you and for me!        Though we have shopped, he has mercy and     pardon,       pardon for you and for me.        (Refrain)  Music & Original Words by: Will L. ThompsonNew words by: Blackdog


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 I'll buy whatever I like,

 I'll buy whatever I like, whenever I like.  

Waiting for Oblivion
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Conor Wilson
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To encourage appropriate attitudes for the holiday season...

...I here present the lyrics for Tom Lehrer's "A Christmas Carol."  Truly a classic.

Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly,
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don't say "when."
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens,
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas Day you can't get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore,
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.

Relations, sparing no expense'll
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
"Just the thing I need! How nice!"
It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What's important is the price.

Hark the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry, merchants,
May you make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!

So let the raucous sleigh bells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don't stand underneath when they fly by.


Conor Wilson
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And as long as I'm in the Christmas spirit...

...I'll post a fuller version of some lyrics that I partially posted before.  From "Weird Al" Yankovic, here's:




Down in the workshop, all the elves were makin' toys

For the good Gentile girls, and the good Gentile boys

When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death,

Had a rifle in his hands, and cheap whiskey on his breath.

From his beard to his boots, he was covered with ammo

Like a big, fat, drunk, disgruntled Yuletide Rambo

And he smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye.

"Merry Christmas to all!  Now you're all gonna die!"


The Night Santa Went Crazy

The night St. Nick went insane

Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal,

Somethin' finally must have snapped in his brain


Well, the workshop is gone, now; he decided to bomb it

Ev'rywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet

And he tied up his helpers, and he held the elves hostage

And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage

He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German luger

And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Kruger

And he picked up a flamethrower, and he barbecued Blitzen

Then he took a big bite, and said "It tastes just like chicken."


The Night Santa Went Crazy

The night Kris Kringle went nuts, now you

Can't hardly walk around the North Pole

Without steppin' in reindeer guts


There's the National Guard, and the FBI

There's a van from the Eyewitness News,

And helicopters circling 'round in the sky

And the bullets are flyin' the body counts risin'

And ev'ryone's dying to know, oh, Santa why?

My my my my my my

You used to be such a jolly guy


Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time

In a federal prison, for his infamous crime

Hey, little friend, now, don't you cry no more tears

He'll be out with good behavior, in seven hundred more years.

But now Vixen's in therapy, and Donner's still nervous

And the elves all got jobs, workin' for the Postal Service

And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night

With her lawyer, negotiatin' the movie rights--they're talkin' 'bout


The Night Santa Went Crazy

The night St. Nicholas flipped,

Broke his back for some milk and cookies,

Sounds to me like he was kind of gettin' gypped, oh


The Night Santa Went Crazy

The night St. Nick went insane

Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal

Somethin' finally must have snapped in his brain

Oh, somethin' finally must have snapped in his brain,

Tell ya, somethin' finally must have snapped

In his brain



Oh...and once again, it's from his "Bad Hair Day" album