What it's like to be an atheist
For those of you who aren't atheists, and are wondering why we get all worked up all the time, I think I've figured out a way to show you:
I invented the wheel.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
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Alliteration FTW.
The group of heretics were released from the bowels of the prison grateful to breathe fresh air for a change. They all knew that none of them would leave the arena alive but after weeks and months held in captivity it really mattered very little. Several were moaning and sobbing with the knowledge certain death was only minutes away. Some were praying to the false gods in the hope that it would help them face the end. But alas, the Cosmic Moose was no where to be found. He heard not their pitiful cries. The guards of the Wondrous Panda followed by the high priests take hundreds of these poor wayward souls to the stakes prepared in advance where they are tied. Flammable material is placed all around them. The priests of the Panda give the accused a last chance to ask for his forgiveness as well as a last chance to confess. Those that do so are killed mercifully in an instant, though they are still burned. Nearly all of the poor souls refuse to cooperate with the Panda's priests generally cursing them in the name of the Moose.
And so the heretics are purified in screams of terror as their flesh burns away. They curse the Panda and his way as they fall silent in their death throes. Alas, the leaders of the heretics hath escaped but not for long as the agents of his Ponderousness shall seek out the usurper's scum evil leaders throughout the Universe. Be warned ye faithless ones for the Panda's agents are everywhere. There is not to be found a safe haven where ye can rest thy head. Trust not your brother for he is one of us. Ye that would aide these evil beings be warned that ye shall be meted out justice as if thou had been those that thee protected.
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Did the Cosmic Moose invent Sweden? So many of his moosey creations live there.
I'd like to revise and amend the above.
Fuckin' peachy.
What day was the wheel invented? I need to know what day to keep holy. Also, what size wheel was invented? If it was a 15" wheel, and I have strong faith that it was, shouldn't we hate everyone who believes in 16" wheels?
On second thought, the bible already showed me that pi is 3, therefore your wheel is impossible!
Unless I need to praise out of round wheels. Can you elaborate before I am forced to write my own version of the story? I would hate to distribute false information in the motel nightstand of some poor soul.
Any help would be approciated.
In your service,
Ima G. Ullabletheist
"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence." - Bertrand Russell
Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issak", and Abraham said, I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
We don't know the day. but there are "written" records which suggest at least one of the ancient civs that appeared to be the first to use the wheel, in the general area of north-west Africa. (You can google it up.)
The 32nd of Febtober.
Let me just undo my pants. I measured it a very specific way. 15's gotta be close.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
It's all covered in the Second Book of Moses (nordmannic translation, after Cleese).
2:11 And it came to pass in those days, when Moses was grown, that he went out unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens: and he spied an Egyptian Using an Hebrew, one of his brethren, as a sledge for bearing gardening tools.
2:12 And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no one looking, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand.
2:13 And when he went out the second day, behold, two men of the Hebrews strove together, One using the other as a barrow, just as the dirty Gypper had done: and he said to him that did the wrong, Wherefore usest thou thy fellow as a barrow?
2:14 And the man said, Who made thee a prince and a judge over us? intendest thou to kill me, as thou killedst the Egyptian? And Moses feared, and said, no, sorry, no, I was just wondering could we maybe improve the barrow thing a bit. Then he scarpered.
2:15 Now when Pharaoh heard one of his Gyppers had been bumped off, he sought to slay Moses. But Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well, which was round in shape and got him thinking.
2:16 Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters: and they came and drew water, and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock.
2:17 And the shepherds came and drove them away: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock, which was difficult since the hosepipe had not been invented yet, so he opened his robes and improvised.
2:18 And when they came to Reuel their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to day, and who is the Hebrew with the hosepipe - is that what you call it?
2:19 And they said, This Gypper delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds, and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock with his, em..., hosepipe, which is very long, isn't it father?
2:20 And he said unto his daughters, Such is it with Egyptians I have heard, and they have a great sense of rhythm also. Come in hosepipe man, we will "eat bread".
2:21 And Moses couldn't believe his luck and was content to dwell with the man: and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter as he still thought Moses was a Gypper.
2:22 And Zipper, as Moses called her, bare him a son, and he called his name Gershwin, son of Zipper and Gypper: for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land.
2:23 But Zipper never lost the weight she put on while heavy with Gershwin. Which caused Moses to wonder, Now, why am I here again? Oh yea, the barrow thing. And so He invented the wheel, scarpered back to Hebrewland abandoning Zipper and the sprog, and made a fortune from cyclical royalties which were not possible before wheels.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
No, no. You don't get to measure from the root, that's the 11th commandment.
"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence." - Bertrand Russell
Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issak", and Abraham said, I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Bravo.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
Apparently, it goes to 11.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
Correction.
It's fuckin' peachy.
Opps! Didn't realize there was a second page until today, and subsequent to attempting 2 posts. Soz for the double post.
I thought the 11th Commandment had something to do with Guavas.
No, you are thinking of the normandic commandments, not wheelistic. The Normandic 11th commandment states: " and then god totally made it where the guava could still grow when it's pretty cold. Amen."
"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence." - Bertrand Russell
Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issak", and Abraham said, I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Oh right, right.
All we have of the normandic commandments are terrible re-translations. Somehow 'guava' became 'pomegranate.' Which, as you know, caused no end of trouble.
I mean, come on- "And then god totally made it where the pomegranate could still grow when it's pretty cold"? Everyone knows that the pixies come and kill off the pomegranates EXACTLY for this reason- that's why they ripen during the fall. What a stupid error.
Ya know, I just remembered a verse that will put all this into perspective, I think.
From the third letter of Dave to Annais (we know this because Dave keeps calling Annais 'asshole'), verses 12-15, New Greatest Translation Evah:
12 "So what is it with you and pomegranates anyway? If you don't drop this mess about that damn fruit, I'll send the pixies myself in the name of the almighty moose!"
13 "And I've heard you're doubting the moose now, eh? Well, who do you think caused all those pots and pans to fall on your head in the street? Was it me? I think not."
14 "Well, okay, it was me- but I am the instrument of the his holy antlerness, you asshole! And don't forget it."
15 "Because of this, truly, when I say to you that there are pixies that cause the pomegranates to rot before it gets cold, you'd better damn well listen. Otherwise, the pots and pans of the almighty moose will rain down horribly painful bumps on your head and cause you to be mightily confused."
All praise to his holy antlerness!
Just when you think you've burned all of the damned moose dropping followers another one shows up.
The Most Wondrous Panda has had just about enough.
BE WARNED!
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Pfah!
Threats from a foolish follower of a vegan monochromatic momonamiac don't scare me!
____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Wow. That escalated quickly.
Even *joking* about religion can get dangerous.
Although I have to say: Why would meatwad care? He sleeps on a grill and eats sand for food. He needs a light anyway. He's got a nic fit, ya know?