The Greatest Religious War of the 21st Century

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The Greatest Religious War of the 21st Century

 This one is now deserving of its own thread, considering how many others it has now affected.

In the clearly more awesomer corner, we have The Great Moose, Creator of the Heavens and Earth, Inventor of Ice Cream, Spontaneous generator of Beer, and original Designer of The Bikini.

In the other corner, some nonsense about Leave it to Beaver and ill-tempered pandas, who are grouchy and will probably attack you given a chance.

(All they have to eat is bamboo. You'd be cranky, too.)

Why must you take sides? Because that's how insanity (or an American political discussion) works. Also, if you don't, the Demon Zebra will get you.

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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HisWillness wrote:Answers in

HisWillness wrote:

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

And where was this holy moose while all of this was going on?

In Canada, whence Great Excellence comes.

(Seriously, how long have I waited to drop that one?)

I'd been waiting for it too, but I couldn't pull the trigger myself. You are after all a Panda-less heathen sent by the evil moose to make leaky canoes that never go anywhere.

HisWillness wrote:

Vastet wrote:

Ultimate goal: achieve stature more ridiculous than "answers in genesis".

Is the goal possible? I don't know, but we'll give it a shot. Laughing out loud

Oh man. We're going to have to turn the crazy up way beyond ludicrous. I'm going to need much more coffee for that.

I'll give it the old college try, but ... answers in Genesis? That's like Olympic-level crazy. If there were Olympics for crazy, they'd be the dream team, and they'd get the gold every single year.

Nah, they're amateurs. The real crazies put their craziness to use for others: the entertainment industry.

You come up with Adam and Eve, I'll show you how "all your base belong to us". You bring out Job, I'll show you Freddy Krueger. God has nothing on human imagination. It's actually a very limitting concept with a clearly defined top dog. As shown in this topic, vagueness is your greatest weapon. The Panda appeared to be the creator of all....until AIG-Simmons mentioned The Unmentionably Awesome Cat, and I tried to hush him for the sake of the unconverted. 

You show me something like that happening at AIG. We're already well on the way to owning them. Laughing out loud

Sticking out tongue

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Vastet wrote: You show me

Vastet wrote:

 

You show me something like that happening at AIG. We're already well on the way to owning them. Laughing out loud

Sticking out tongue

I'm not so sure what do you have to compare with thier articale call 'the awesomeness of death'? 

http://www.answersingenesis.org/docs2005/0920mcintosh.asp

 

I'm curious why the great Panda and the saintly moose have to say about morality? Alsi why do we show panda's porn to try get them to mate? Is the wise Panda have erectile problems?

Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy.
Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend.
No animal shall wear clothes.
No animal shall sleep in a bed.
No animal shall drink alcohol.
No animal shall kill any other animal.
All animals are equal.


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Simple, really. From the

Simple, really. From the link:

"One moment the person is there, the next moment one literally looks upon a shell, an empty case, in which the person was existing but a split second ago. Yet at that instant the material/molecules/chemistry/DNA had not in any substantial physical way altered"

The Panda does not lie to his followers as this man does. The Panda knows about Penergy, and explains that Penergy is what allows us to "tick" as it were. It is like energy, but with more P. When you die, all your Penergy goes to meet The Beaver, who will decide if you were sufficiently enslaved to go to the Houseboat paradise, where all your dreams come true(at least, the ones you would want to come true). It's all thanks to Penergy, creation of The Almighty Panda.

As far as morality goes, The Panda says morality is boring, and wants nothing to do with it. Perhaps that is why he created the moose, to give him something to watch. One must never assume The Panda will do what is right. The Panda does what The Panda wants.

About the panda's in captivity, I briefly alluded to this in a previous post. In fact, all pandas known to exist are clever frauds and deceptions. The Supreme Panda in its infinite wisdom created a species for heathens to attack, and reveal their sacriligeous natures in the process. The true Panda is not a species, but the uncreated creator, and shares little more than appearance with panda bears seen on Earth. Actually, all bears are the result of this. The Panda recognized that not all species see with the colour spectrum and accuracy of humans, so it created other types of bears that would look like The Almighty Panda to species without our perception capabilities. The Polar Bear is the greatest example of these, as it was created to fool the moose itself, as only the moose has greater perception than man. That is why a Polar Bear could knock the head off of a moose with a single swing.

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Vastet wrote:As far as

Vastet wrote:

As far as morality goes, The Panda says morality is boring, and wants nothing to do with it. Perhaps that is why he created the moose, to give him something to watch. One must never assume The Panda will do what is right. The Panda does what The Panda wants.

 

Yay a religion I can follow, she-male strip shows here i come 

Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy.
Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend.
No animal shall wear clothes.
No animal shall sleep in a bed.
No animal shall drink alcohol.
No animal shall kill any other animal.
All animals are equal.


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The Panda approves.

The Panda approves.

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Vastet wrote:The Panda

Vastet wrote:

The Panda approves.

If anyone's at a computer with a decent graphics program, we're going to have to have a "The Panda Approves" version of that Chinese food logo that Jill just came up with. Damn my crappy, dying computer!

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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I have photoshop 7 at home,

ROTF

I have photoshop 7 at home, so I can do it, but no guarantees on how long it'll take. I got a new PS3 on Saturday(roomates launch model recently stopped reading Blu-Ray, and has started having problems with DVD too), and so far every moment of spare time I've had, I've devoted to that. Sticking out tongue

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HisWillness wrote:If

HisWillness wrote:

If anyone's at a computer with a decent graphics program, we're going to have to have a "The Panda Approves" version of that Chinese food logo that Jill just came up with. Damn my crappy, dying computer!

How's this?

 

*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*

"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby


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Vastet wrote:The Panda

Vastet wrote:

The Panda approves.

My god, the Great and Most Holy Moose; Protector of Tundra, Forest, and Seas; Eschewer of Deserts and Rather Tall Mountians; Who is Unable to Back Up; and Protector of Baby Penguins, demands that you mention Him in every post. It is the only way you can respect my beliefs.

By neglecting to mention His Most Tiney Antlerhood in your post, you have disrespected my beliefs, and potentially irked Hs most fearsome Ire! Is it too much to demand that you simply mention He of the Obscenely Dangling Genitals in every post? No! It is a simple demand, borne out of respect for me and my beliefs! Plus, you don't want to go to Tundra Hell, do you? Because you will, if you don't mend your evil black-and-white-dappled ways.

This is your final warning.

 

Respectfully,

nigelTheBold

"Yes, I seriously believe that consciousness is a product of a natural process. I find that the neuroscientists, psychologists, and philosophers who proceed from that premise are the ones who are actually making useful contributions to our understanding of the mind." - PZ Myers


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The Panda disapproves.

The Panda disapproves. Sad

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 "Hi, welcome to Holy

 "Hi, welcome to Holy Burger. Can I take your order?"

"Yeah, I'll have ... uh ... the ... Joy of the Spirit Nuggets, uh, and ... the Mary Magdalene onion-- one Mary Magdalene onion rings, a Big Moses Coke, and ... what did you want, honey? Oh! Two of the Jonah fish sticks, and ... the Issac Kid's Meal with the Toppings of Job ... uh, and a Thirsty Peter Shake."

"Okay, that'll be a drachma and ten sheckles. Go to the second window."

"The prices at this place. Jesus."

 

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fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

 

HisWillness wrote:
13 Thou canst not set them free, for then thou wouldst be living in a pet anarchy like in Rome, where they think the plague is going to come back if they don't feed the cats.

 

Ahem!

 

I would like to observe that in medieval Europe they got rid of the cats and the cats got them back.

 

First came the plague of rats.

 

Thence came the plague of flies.

 

Thence came the plague known as the black death.

 

And where was this holy moose while all of this was going on?

 

Vastet wrote:
The other side of the planet, where the Panda put him. Smiling

 

My point exactly. And just what is the apex predator over there?

 

The cougar.

 

Conclusion: Meese only exist because cats find them to be tasty and they don't want to see them extinct.

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=


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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

 

HisWillness wrote:
13 Thou canst not set them free, for then thou wouldst be living in a pet anarchy like in Rome, where they think the plague is going to come back if they don't feed the cats.

 

Ahem!

 

I would like to observe that in medieval Europe they got rid of the cats and the cats got them back.

 

First came the plague of rats.

 

Thence came the plague of flies.

 

Thence came the plague known as the black death.

 

And where was this holy moose while all of this was going on?

 

Vastet wrote:
The other side of the planet, where the Panda put him. Smiling

 

My point exactly. And just what is the apex predator over there?

 

The cougar.

 

Conclusion: Meese only exist because cats find them to be tasty and they don't want to see them extinct.

 

I'm going to have to start a war on you if you don't stop revealing for free the secrets of The Panda that must be paid for.

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.


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HisWillness wrote:Vastet

HisWillness wrote:

Vastet wrote:

The Panda approves.

If anyone's at a computer with a decent graphics program, we're going to have to have a "The Panda Approves" version of that Chinese food logo that Jill just came up with. Damn my crappy, dying computer!

 

I recently recanted all of my other beliefs and have converted to Pandafarian. All hail the Great and Wonderous Panda.

____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me

"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.


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peppermint wrote:HisWillness

peppermint wrote:

HisWillness wrote:

If anyone's at a computer with a decent graphics program, we're going to have to have a "The Panda Approves" version of that Chinese food logo that Jill just came up with. Damn my crappy, dying computer!

How's this?

 

Fantastic. The thumb is an excellent addition.

Actually ... the panda is looking a little violated. Maybe the thumb has something to do with that.

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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HisWillness wrote:Actually

HisWillness wrote:

Actually ... the panda is looking a little violated. Maybe the thumb has something to do with that.

 

On the upside... at least it was approved!

What Would Kharn Do?


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Vastet wrote:I'm going

Vastet wrote:
I'm going to have to start a war on you if you don't stop revealing for free the secrets of The Panda that must be paid for.

 

Excuse me??!!?!

 

I have been tasked by His Furry Essence with disseminating the revelation of Feline Truth. Why you were not clued in on the matter is something of which I dare not speculate. It is not for mortal men to even attempt to understand the ways of the cat.

 

 

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:
I have been tasked by His Furry Essence with disseminating the revelation of Feline Truth.

Ugh. You got "furry essence" and "disseminating" in the same sentence. Maybe it's the poet in me, but I suffered a little nauseated gag.

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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Vastet wrote:I'm going

Vastet wrote:
I'm going to have to start a war on you if you don't stop revealing for free the secrets of The Panda that must be paid for.

 

Words that can never be taken back...

 

Vastet wrote:

 

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:
Dude, the English version of the European release of Zero Wing...

 

Wow dude. It's not often someone teaches me something about gaming. Now I know where "All your base..." came from. Thanks. I'd never heard of Zero Wing, or at least had forgotten about hearing about it. Still, I wasn't quite referring to storylines. Gameplay has suffered the most since the end of the 80`s.

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=


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NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=


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I've been hesitant to

I've been hesitant to speak-up on this very emotional issue issue for fear of igniting passions, but I fear that silence may now be doing more damage than any words can. Too many coffee creamers have already been torn and spilled; too many shot glasses filled; too many Red Bulls cracked and emptied.

Let's be honest, first: it's no secret that the Moose and Panda holy documents were not written by either the Moose nor the Panda. One was written by a lumberjack (granted, one of the most decent, honest and plaid-loving lumberjacks ever to have lived) while he was on his lunch break, the other was written by a blind bamboo burrito enthusiast as part of a marketing promo to get his drive thru restaurant off the ground (I understand there is some controversy over which one wrote which book, so I'll leave that subject at rest for now). Now, this does not diminish the message each one has to teach us, but it does mean that we should be careful not to take either as literal truths.

If we look elsewhere, I think the truth of the Great Poofing is revealed to us in the beauty of the things around us.

Look at the bottom of nearly everything you own. What do you see? 'Made in China' (sometimes Taiwan, but I mean, that's pretty much China anyway). What is the best farming machinery manufacturer on Earth? John Deere. Did you know that there is a growing number of biologists and geologists who are starting to recognize patterns like these and realize the implications for modern science? For example, Stephen J Gould (in an article entitled 'The Panda's Peculariar Thumb') wrote, "...Giant pandas are peculiar bears...",  and even Richard Dawkins (yes, the infamous proponent of Darwin's 'evolution' theory) once displayed a photograph of a moose attempting to mate with a statue of a bison at Michigan State Univeristy during a lecture on the Great Beast (clearly demonstrating it's compassion for it's creation).

I believe that the point is not to fall into infghting over which of our creators may have done what; the point is to recognize our purposeful creation, recognize that the beauty of things like frozen waterfalls and vanilla ice cream/orange crush floats are clearly there to demonstrate that our creators are with us and love us and that only through pondrance of what they mean for us can we finally experience ultimate reality (remember when you went from playing normal pinball to playing ultimate pinball? You were like, 'Woah, dude. I'm never going back to boring old regular pinball now.' Yeah. It should be at least That Intense).

 

...Oh. And just FYI, I'm part of the growing body of people that is now sure the Great Poofing happened in 1992. Oldest moose we know of? Born in 1992. Oldest Panda? Born in '92. Oldest tree? '92. My grandpa's first tractor? He bought it in '92. My oldest action figure? I just checked the package it's in, and it wasn't even bought until 1994!

I think the evidence points to a pretty obvious conclusion.

Quote:
"Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall, and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere. Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full."

- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940


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Kevin R Brown wrote:I think

Kevin R Brown wrote:

I think the evidence points to a pretty obvious conclusion.

What, that Mother Theresa's death was clearly trumped by Princess Diana's?

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Quote:What, that Mother

Quote:

What, that Mother Theresa's death was clearly trumped by Princess Diana's?

Couldn't have said it better.

Quote:
"Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall, and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere. Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full."

- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940


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Kevin R Brown

Kevin R Brown wrote:

Quote:

What, that Mother Theresa's death was clearly trumped by Princess Diana's?

Couldn't have said it better.

*weeps*

Goodbye, Norma Jea... I mean Princess Diana. Oh, England's Rose!

And it seems to me you lived your life Like a candle in the wind. Never fading with the sunset when the rain set in. And your footsteps will always fall along England's greenest hills. Your candle's burned out long before Your legend never will.

Why didn't the Panda save her and protect her? Isn't the Panda pure love? Doesn't the Panda want gratuitous icons of fantasy and unattainable beauty?

What if... just what if... there is no Panda? What if there is no Moose?

*languishes in crisis of faith*

"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray


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Kevin R Brown wrote:I

Kevin R Brown wrote:
I believe that the point is not to fall into infghting over which of our creators may have done what; the point is to recognize our purposeful creation, recognize that the beauty of things like frozen waterfalls and vanilla ice cream/orange crush floats are clearly there to demonstrate that our creators are with us and love us and that only through pondrance of what they mean for us can we finally experience ultimate reality (remember when you went from playing normal pinball to playing ultimate pinball? You were like, 'Woah, dude. I'm never going back to boring old regular pinball now.' Yeah. It should be at least That Intense).

Your wisdom speaks volumes. For truly, thou art a Great Prophet of, Like, Holy Stuff ... an' Junk. Perhaps it is through the Wisdom of Kevin that the True Religions of the world can finally find their common ground ... to make a pact of peace, and join hands across the world, bringing a message of tolerance and goodness for all time.

Even those dirty Panda-loving assholes. Yes, even they could—what? What did I say?

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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Quote:*weeps*Goodbye, Norma

Quote:
*weeps*

Goodbye, Norma Jea... I mean Princess Diana. Oh, England's Rose!

And it seems to me you lived your life Like a candle in the wind. Never fading with the sunset when the rain set in. And your footsteps will always fall along England's greenest hills. Your candle's burned out long before Your legend never will.

Why didn't the Panda save her and protect her? Isn't the Panda pure love? Doesn't the Panda want gratuitous icons of fantasy and unattainable beauty?

What if... just what if... there is no Panda? What if there is no Moose?

*languishes in crisis of faith*

Our Monochromatic Benefactor and Great Shaggy Coathanger work in mysterious ways, child.

 

We simply must maintain our faith in their Crayon Roadmap to Everywhere and take solace in their message that they Kinda Sorta Feel Like We're Headed The Right Way.

Quote:
"Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall, and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere. Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full."

- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940


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Kevin R Brown wrote:We

Kevin R Brown wrote:

We simply must maintain our faith in their Crayon Roadmap to Everywhere and take solace in their message that they Kinda Sorta Feel Like We're Headed The Right Way.

Oh, the Glory of such vague, unfollowable Wisdom. So great is it that verily did I nearly snort tea out my nose.

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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Vastet: Most Glorious Servant of the Panda

 Most devout servant of the Giant Panda, thou must be aware of the evil heresy being perpetrated even now by the heathen cat worshiper Answers in Gene Simmons.

It is time to prepareth the rack, the breaking wheel, and even the knee splitter.

He must needeth purification for he hath spread heinous heresy among the pure of heart followers of the Panda.

____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me

"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.


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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:


Vastet wrote:
I'm going to have to start a war on you if you don't stop revealing for free the secrets of The Panda that must be paid for.

 

Excuse me??!!?!

 

I have been tasked by His Furry Essence with disseminating the revelation of Feline Truth. Why you were not clued in on the matter is something of which I dare not speculate. It is not for mortal men to even attempt to understand the ways of the cat.

 

 


Exactly.

 

Fire the nukes corporal.

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:


Vastet wrote:
I'm going to have to start a war on you if you don't stop revealing for free the secrets of The Panda that must be paid for.

 

Words that can never be taken back...

 

Vastet wrote:

 

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:
Dude, the English version of the European release of Zero Wing...

 

Wow dude. It's not often someone teaches me something about gaming. Now I know where "All your base..." came from. Thanks. I'd never heard of Zero Wing, or at least had forgotten about hearing about it. Still, I wasn't quite referring to storylines. Gameplay has suffered the most since the end of the 80`s.


I haven't said anything I want to take back. I'm proud of these comments. Smiling

 

I'm afraid Kevin is delerious. It would be wasting The Panda's time to respond to his entire post, so I'll just call him delerious and leave it as a fact.

Sticking out tongue

Jillswift wrote:
Why didn't the Panda save her and protect her? Isn't the Panda pure love? Doesn't the Panda want gratuitous icons of fantasy and unattainable beauty?

The Panda killed her personally. She pissed The Panda off. She is now in a leaky canoe for all eternity.

pauljohntheskeptic wrote:

 Most devout servant of the Giant Panda, thou must be aware of the evil heresy being perpetrated even now by the heathen cat worshiper Answers in Gene Simmons.

It is time to prepareth the rack, the breaking wheel, and even the knee splitter.

He must needeth purification for he hath spread heinous heresy among the pure of heart followers of the Panda.

As much as torturing the traitorous heathen may be enjoyable, it is sadly unacceptable. His words must be obliterated, and never seen again. I'd advise you to stay away from Gene, the nukes are falling now.
 

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.


HisWillness
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More thoughts on religious

More thoughts on religious war:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95VTh4FA_gE


latincanuck
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bah

For all your moose and panda holy talk, you seem to forget that the mighty beaver will be damming it all to hell in the end, for it is the beaver that shall rule this world, when there are no trees for the pandas to climb and no forests for the moose to hide in, only the beaver shall remain, damming the world. For it is the dam building beavers that are the wise ones in this holy war, working unseen, taking a bit from each side to dam it all. Soon you will all be praising the beaver as the moose and panda drown in those dam built swamp lands and lakes.