A little joke.
Posted on: December 21, 2008 - 1:55am
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A little joke.
Q: Why did the new student think the physics M theory lecture was full of zombies?
A: Everyone was shuffling around saying "BRANES!"
I love a bad pun. 
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
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An engineering student asks "How does it work?"
A science student asks "Why does it work?"
A philosophy student asks "What is work?"
So these three guys, all software engineers, go to the bathroom during a conference.
As each finishes up, they go to wash their hands.
The engineer from Microsoft washes up, then proceeds to use a bunch of paper towels to get his hands perfectly dry. "At Microsoft, we're trained to be thorough." He explains.
The engineer from Apple washes up, then carefully uses a single paper towel to get his hands perfectly dry. "At Apple" he says "we're trained to be thorough and efficient."
The last engineer just heads out the door, and says over his shoulder; "At Sun, we don't piss on our hands."
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know - it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!” To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
Our revels now are ended. These our actors, | As I foretold you, were all spirits, and | Are melted into air, into thin air; | And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, | The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, | The solemn temples, the great globe itself, - Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve, | And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, | Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff | As dreams are made on, and our little life | Is rounded with a sleep. - Shakespeare
Four nuns, who died in a car accident, approached the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asked the first nun, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" She said, "Well, I touch one just to see what it felt like." He told her to dip her finger in the holy water, then go inside. He asked the second nun the same question. She said she held one to see what it was like. He told her to dip her hand in the holy water, then go inside. When he asked the third nun the question, the fourth nun leaned forward and said, "Can I gargle the water before she sticks her butt in it?"
Stultior stulto fuisti, qui tabellis crederes!
A man comes home in the middle of the day and finds his wife laying on the bed, stark naked. He says. "what are you laying around naked for?" she says "I got tired so I laid down, why not?" So he says "Well get dressed we're going to the bosses house for dinner." And then she says, with a sigh "But I haven't got a thing to wear."
That pissed him off no end, so he goes o the closet, throws open the door and yells, "Don't tell me you don't have a thing to wear; look at this, the green dress, the blue dress, the yellow dress, the red dress, oh hello Frank, the black dress, the pink dress........"
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Reading this thread after reading about yet another teacher/student sex scandal reminds me of a physics teacher I had once. I thought it was kind of odd when he was teaching special relativity and said "Both a stationary observer and an observer moving at half the speed of light are carrying a meter stick. Who's stick is longer?" And he would change the scenario slightly and then ask again "Who's stick is longer?" It finally clicked in my head and I couldn't stop laughing in class. A few weeks later he was lecturing on the big bang theory and black holes and the in/out motion of a rigid object.
You had me at "WTF?"
Q: Two linguists are walking down the street. Which one is the expert on contextually indicated deixis?
A: The other one.
LINGUIST: Excuse me, but where's the library at?
PRESCRIPTIVIST: Did you just end a sentence with a preposition? Aren't you supposed to be a language expert? Don't you know that's ungrammatical?
LINGUIST: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me try again. Where's the library at, asshole?
A linguist and his friend are walking across campus when they happen upon six other scowling linguists beating mercilessly on a defenseless, helpless prescriptivist. After staring at the spectacle for a moment in shock, the linguist's friend turns to him and says, "Well, aren't you going to DO anything?!"
The linguist: "It's thoughtful of you to ask, but six should be enough."
Q: How many linguists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but first he needs to consult the OED.
Descartes bursts into a bar and begins excitedly ordering drinks, ranting and raving about how he's celebrating a brilliant philosophical breakthrough. He orders drink after drink and downs them all in single gulps. After he begins to slow down, the bartender approaches him and asks if he'd like yet another. Descartes, feeling a little woozy, replies, "I think not," and then vanishes forever.
A place common to all will be maintained by none. A religion common to all is perhaps not much different.
Hehe. The first time I ever got kicked out of a science class was in 8th grade when they were teaching basic sexual anatomy. My friend made the joke, "Gonad the Barbarian!" and I just couldn't stop laughing. Ever since then I loved science jokes/puns.
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A little bump.
How is a tornado similar to a divorce in Tennessee?
In either case, someone is losing a trailer.
What does it mean when there is drool coming from both sides of the UT graduate's mouth?
The trailer is level.
How do you know when a Tennessee male is married?
There are tobacco stains on both sides of the pick-up truck.
How do you know a Tennessee female is on her period?
She's only wearing one sock.
How do you know a Tennessee girl loves you?
She spits out her tobacco before fellatio.
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I am so glad I don't live in Tennessee!
I now love IBC more than ever.
A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink here, anyways?" To which the bartender responds, "For you, no charge."
These threads always fall by the proverbial wayside. With a few new people around, I thought I might resurrect it.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirtbag.
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There was a young man from Nepal
Who had a mathematical ball
Geddit? Explanation below....
There was a young man from Nepal
Who had a mathematical ball
The cube of its weight
Times PI, minus 8
Equals 4 thirds the root of fuck all.
Forget Jesus, the stars died so that you could be here
- Lawrence Krauss
Q: What do you call it when two physicists have a personality conflict resulting in constant squabbles?
A: Science Friction.
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
Girls take your time and money
Girls=time*money
But any business person will confirm time=money
Girls=money2
But money is the root of all Evil
Girls=[SQRT[Evil]]2
Girls=EVIL
Replacement Windows:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind .
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellooooo, . . . . just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940