Pwning door to door Christians
Posted on: June 13, 2008 - 1:32pm
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Pwning door to door Christians
Anyone here ever debate them and hand them their ass? I don't think most of them know enough to debate an atheist who knows what's in the Bible along with basic logic. Most of them it seems are trying to convert other Christians to their version. I've definitely thought of this but:
A. They haven't come lately
B. My social phobia/Aspergers would make actually doing this face to face extremely difficult.
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Sadly the only opportunity I had was a few years ago when I still considered myself an agnostic and wasn't terribly concerned with these matters. I got a knock at the door and it was a little kid maybe five or six years old tops. His mom was standing back on the sidewalk while her little proselytizer spread the good word. He invited me to his church or some shit like that. I spared him my wrath and just told him I already belonged to a church and shot his mom a dirty look.
The only thing more fucked up than pestering other people with your inane babbling is making your kid do it for you.
"Faith, Faith is an island in the setting sun,
but proof, proof is the bottom line for everyone."
Proof, Paul Simon
Nothing this hard should taste so beefy.
I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of "God is just as real as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Don't ever forget that." That is fucked up getting a kid that age to do that. Maybe they do that because someone is a lot less likely to tell a kid to shut the fuck up or slam the door on them than they would be to an adult.
Matt Shizzle has been banned from the Rational Response Squad website. This event shall provide an atmosphere more conducive to social growth. - Majority of the mod team
I had one come to the door with a kid several years ago before I'd even really thought about religion much. It was just myself and a friend in the house, he'd slept in the spare room closer to the front door, I didn't even hear them knock.
Obviously he'd just told them he didn't live here, and came to get me. I've never been much for thinking first thing in the morning so I to the door wearing just boxers and wrapped in my duvet and there I see some woman with some pamphlets and a 5 or 6 year old girl.
"Hello, can I help you?"
"Have you accepted Jesus into your life?"
*close door in face*
I think I'd be more inclined to do that now that I've killed my spirit. I would definitely have some words for the puppet master.
"Faith, Faith is an island in the setting sun,
but proof, proof is the bottom line for everyone."
Proof, Paul Simon
Nothing this hard should taste so beefy.
My words do not PWN proselytizers...
but my door most certainly does >.>
I just drove from Denver to Orlando and stopped to see a friend in North Carolina. She is agnostic but her parents are hard core 7th day adventists. They came by to see her mostly because they had heard I was an atheist now so they were just itching to witness to me. Big mistake for them. I hadn't see them for over 10 years and they are both about 80, usually I show mercy to old people but not this time.
They tried everything in the book on me to no avail. I hit back hard. They brought up good old Satan so I hit them with show me where in your Bible that Satan ever killed anyone. I can show you where your God did, over and over. They had no answer for that. I then asked them is Satan so evil he was cast from God's presence. Yes they said. So I asked them to explain why Satan could come and go to Heaven and hang out with God in Job. They had no answer for that either. Keeping on evil Satan, I asked them where exactly in the Hebrew Bible did Satan and his angels war with God and Heaven. They tell me in Revelation. I said, no that's in the New Testament, where did Satan and his angels rebel in the old testament, Hebrew Bible. I said, surely it had to occur before the fall of Adam if their snake was Satan. I told them, its not in the Bible, its in the Book of Enoch that is not canon. They insisted it was but couldn't figure out where. It's not in the Bible at all it's tradition caused by the story of Genesis 6 and Enoch where the sons of god banged the fair babes of mankind.
I usually don't do this to old people as I feel they can believe whatever the fuck they want, but they started it, so I fought back.
I don't see many witnessing believers here in Orlando, but I travel a lot to Denver and at my son's house they swarm. There are several ways I use to get rid of witnessing Christians, Mormans, Jehovah Witnesses, etc.
1- As I'm officially a relapsed Catholic (relapsed into atheism but they don't need to know) I simply tell them I'm Catholic. If they continue to rant, I tell them they are heretics from the true Church and please take your heresy and leave. I suggest that the Catholic Church should still allow heretics to be burned at the stake.
2- I tell them I'm a Jew and I laugh at their belief in a fake messiah.
3-If I feel like fighting, I tell them I'm an atheist and pull out my conveniently by the front door well worn extremely marked up and paper clipped Bible and proceed to play until I get tired of their ranting like our bud Meph from another thread. Any quote they have, I have a smart ass pre-thought comment for in my heretic version of the Bible.
____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
You should have wasted her time. It's always better to waste their time if they make the mistake of coming to your door. I used to do this when the Army called to recruit me as a high school senior.
“It is true that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. It is equally true that in the land of the blind, the two-eyed man is an enemy of the state, the people, and domestic tranquility… and necessarily so. Someone has to rearrange the furniture.”
1. Waste their time
2. Answer the door naked
3. Answer the door in a loincloth and tribal face paint...
4. ...and joke about their being just in time for the virgin sacrifice
5. Answer the door with the latest book Dennet, Hitchens, Harris or Dawkins in your hand... hell even Harry Potter will work.
6. Answer in a white robe...
7. ...and speak to them in a monotone and only use the pronoun "We" instead of "I"...
8. ...and ask them about intelligent design, saying you believe it...
9. ...because human beings had to have been genetically engineered by space aliens Zeta Reticuli, right?
10. Then ask them, if the Zeta Reticulans genetically engineered humans, who genetically engineered the Zeta Reticulans?
11. Tell them you're an atheist, and that you've never heard of Christianity (basically pretend to be in a Chic Tract) and that you want some moral direction in your life... and proceed to verbally and rationally butcher their puerile arguments...
12. ...but don't show all your aces... remember, the point is to waste their time.
13. If you are female, suitably attractive, of the age of majority, and in a position to do so, proposition the proselytizer for sex and see how long he holds out.
14. Answer the door in fetish garments of your choice (The more closely you adhere to Rule 34 of Internet Depravity, the better).
15. Pretend to already be a born-again or whatever group they're with. This works especially if you're familiar with their particular theology. Lead the conversation in such a way as to determine whether the term "Christo-Fascist," "Dominionist," or "Christian Reconstructionist" applies, and call the fascist on it. You might even make them cry.
16. Give them your own secular humanist/rationalist/atheist literature...
17. ...and ask them how it feels to be spiritually condescended to.
18. This one requires a tape recorder: pretend that you are pro-life and lead the proselytizer to admit whether or not he/she would use violent tactics against an abortion doctor or an abortion clinic. If he/she says yes, place them under citizen's arrest and make sure you've got that admission on tape: you've got a possible terrorist suspect on your hands.
More to come...
“It is true that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. It is equally true that in the land of the blind, the two-eyed man is an enemy of the state, the people, and domestic tranquility… and necessarily so. Someone has to rearrange the furniture.”
19. Speak in tongues and flagellate.
20. Tell them your name is Harvey Greenberg, you support Israel and President Bush, and you watch only Fox News. Then speak in tongues and flagellate.
21. Have a bunch of friends on the porch drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, arguing over Franz Kafka or something. When the proselytizer shows up, drag him into the conversation in such a manner that is friendly but presumptive: ask him his opinion on X, Y, and Z, lecture him, joke with him, chortle and play buddy-buddy, and then ask: "Oh, was there some reason in particular you came by? We were all about to go and watch a foreign fetish movie on the Sundance Channel and drink some really "decadent" Margueritas.
22. If that doesn't scare him away, break out a hookah (with tobacco, of course) and offer him a hose and a cup of coffee.
23. One Word: Charades. (Could be combined with #21 by dragging the unwilling proselytizer into a game of charades rather than a philosophical discussion.)
24. If you're male... Answer the door in a bikini.
25. If you're female... Answer the door dressed for the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
26. If you can appear helpless and pitiable, waste the proselytizer's time by asking them, out of the goodness of their hearts, to please help you with one more menial task after another.
“It is true that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. It is equally true that in the land of the blind, the two-eyed man is an enemy of the state, the people, and domestic tranquility… and necessarily so. Someone has to rearrange the furniture.”
27. If your sheer creativity does not faze him, offer him a tofu and bean curd Vegan Morocco wrap. While you bite into yours, scream as you "discover"... THE FACE OF THE VIRGIN MARY! No really, you swear to him. It's the face of the freakin' virgin, man.
28. For added effect, call the tabloids.
29. If you have experience in sales, try soliciting him.
“It is true that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. It is equally true that in the land of the blind, the two-eyed man is an enemy of the state, the people, and domestic tranquility… and necessarily so. Someone has to rearrange the furniture.”
Most door-to-doors around here are Mormon. They've gotten used to time-wasters, and typically won't try talking to you if they see you're willing to argue. However, I did manage to pull something very close to FulltimeDefendent's #21......completely by mistake. It was great. Plus.....
30. Act like you're REALLY high or drunk. Better yet, actually BE really high or drunk. Being in this state of mind, you may accidentally relate to the theists. Don't worry, your rationality will probably return by the next morning, theirs won't. And it's so funny......at first they'll be glad someone is actually listening to them, them you can watch their faces as they slowly start to realize......
"We are the star things harvesting the star energy"
-Carl Sagan
One day a fairly petite woman knocked on my door. Thinking she might be lost or something, I opened the door to ask her what she wanted. Upon opening the door I find her standing behind a rather large woman asking "Would you like to hear about God's plan for you?". After playing along for a bit and wasting their time, they finally left.
Shortly after they left, I thought of the ideal obscure Japanese video game quote to offend them as much as they offended me with their shock tactics. (the quote starts at 7:05)
Last summer, a couple of Mormon guys were riding around my neighborhood (dark suits, bicycling, Georgia heat...poor bastards). One of them was fat--fatter than me, in fact, and I've got a prodigious beer gut. Anyway, I was never home when they were canvassing my apartments and I've regretted that ever since. I had no intention of getting into a debate with them, but I did want to talk to the fat kid. I always imagined it this way:
"So you don't drink alcohol, right?"
"Of course not".
"And no Coca-cola, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, anything like that?"
"Nope."
"None of this disgusting ass sweet tea we have around here, either?"
"Uh uh. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I know why I'm dragging extra pounds around. How the fuck did you get so fat?"
"The whole conception of God is a conception derived from ancient Oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men."
--Bertrand Russell
31. When they ask if you have accepted jesus pretend you never heard of it. When they tell about its "awesome greatness" pretend to be interested.
32. Tell them that you don't have time: need to go to abortion clinic.
33. Follow him wherever he goes, and go to every door he goes, preaching atheism instead.
I like to pretend it's the first time I've ever heard of Christianity and/or Jesus, and ask them a lot of the really basic questions that drive them nuts. "I don't get it, so this book is written by a god? Has anyone ever confirmed this? Boy, I don't know about that. That sounds pretty shady."
Door to door Christians try to lecture their beliefs about God to me, so I give them a taste of their own medicine, I don't answer the door and see how long it takes for them to realise theres noone there.
"Faith means not wanting to know what is true"
(Friedrich Nietzsche)
My response when they came to my door depended on my mood. Most of the time I'd hand them their ass, but occasionally I'd have fun with them and try to convert them to satanism. A couple of times I even chased them down the street while telling them the benefits of evil. Never saw a jeebus freak move so fast.
"Erecting the 'wall of separation between church and state,' therefore, is absolutely essential in a free society." Thomas Jefferson
www.myspace.com/kenhill5150
I have. Most of the time they just don't bother knocking (I have a no jesus salesman sign on my door) or they are asking if I speak Spanish to invite me to their Spanish speaking church. On the occasions I've already had my coffee and realize it isn't a cop knocking on my door then I'll invite them in on a hot day (hey, I'm a Secular Humanist, we care).
Mormons are especially easy. I just drill them on the fact that their BOM says the Native Americans had steel weapons. Knowing my Aztec history and realizing the most advanced civilization only had flint weapons I ask them where the archeological evidence for steel foundries is. Naturally there is none (so nice to have dated a Mexican anthropologist to confirm this). Or if you like you could demand evidence for horse drawn chariots (Native Americans had neither horses or chariots).
They are used to people who aren't familiar with the BOM outside of typical Christian apologist attacks against Mormonism. So just demand the physical evidence for claims in the BOM and until then you won't believe something more unbelievable about people getting their own planet after they die.
They always leave frustrated and never return. The only time I got pissed at them was when they asked if I could pray with them when they already knew I am an Atheist. That's just rude.
I had a long (15-20 mins) discussion with two mormons that came to my door about 7ish years ago, it was a few weeks after 9/11 b/c I remember bringing that up at one point. Anyway, my mom and brother were sitting in the room behind me as I stood at the door and I was trying to make them laugh by being overly happy to see them and thanking them for stopping by. I politely let them give their lil schtick and I asked how soon after joining do I get a few wives. They chuckled and said that that was a fallacy, (I remember thinking that fallacy was a big word for the kid using it, and it was rather ironic that someone devoutly religious was pointing out a fallacy to beging with.) I said what about that Tom Green guy, he was just in the news and he had like 20 wives and an MTV show. They didn't get the MTV reference, but my bro was howling. He said they hadn't heard about that (liar) and that it was probably just certain sects that still had polygamy. I said that is the kind of sex i was interested in and I had the internet browser history to prove it, and that fallacies were for sex anyway. Again, way over their head, but my mom was crying at this point. Anyway, they made it way too easy to fuck with them and i just wouldn't let the multiple wives thing go. That sounds like the best part to me, I told them, so I don't know why they would get rid of it. I remember wishing they came by more often, it was a lot of fun.
I am drawn to these, for sure...except that #33 would require time...of which I have little.
Signature ? How ?
Pwning door to door Christians
The lost are my concern , I greet them with open arms, and thank them for knocking at my door ......
Answering that knock, " Hi , it's me GOD (with a big smile) What happening ?!!!
Hey , call me Jesus , LOOK into my EYES ,
What do you you see ?
Here are no lies, the lies are your own
The perfect christ is me/you
now what was your message, to me GOD as YOU ? "
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Next: Jesus was murdered
and so is, The Story of a Buddha, called Jesus
Then , 2000 yrs later the Paulines , at your door !
( and government assisted , AGAIN , as usual, despite the wise "founding fathers" deepest wishes .... as the FCC now pollutes the air waves , as XIAN televangelists abound, and a devil reigns as the supreme most powerful leader of all humanity .....................
O U C H
EARTH
*
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Atheism Books.
Love this thread…
I used to love to discuss that stuff with Christians after my deconversion but it didn’t take long before I gave up unless someone was actually in a place of doubt and could THINK for THEMSELVES and challenge their own thinking. Now I just try to be as obnoxious and offensive as possible because it’s simply more fun than the painful process of trying to get a child not to believe in fairy tales that they need to psychologically survive. A few examples come to mind…
Walking in downtown Chicago wearing my ‘TRY SATAN! HE’LL Let You Do Anal!” shirt, when a street preacher saw it, read it, and tried to hand me a tract. I just looked him in the eye with a fire and said… “Are you fucking kidding me?!’ He says… “Wh… what? Are you the devil?” I simply said… ‘Yeah… and I’ve got some very bad news for you.’ And kept walking.
Another one was on the train coming from Downtown Chicago and there was a young guy there who was obviously going to school to be a full time minister with his books, memory verse cards, self-conscious behavior that is just waiting for the opportunity to ‘share the gospel’. When I got his number, I pulled out one of my little books. He took the opportunity to pretend to be interested in me and not just his evangelistic agenda and asked. ‘What is that you’re reading? Looks interesting.’
I showed him the title and read one of my favorite passages… “49. I am in a secret fourfold word, the blasphemy against all gods of men. 50. Curse them! Curse them! Curse them! 51. With my Hawk's head I peck at the eyes of Jesus as he hangs upon the cross. 52. I flap my wings in the face of Mohammed & blind him. 53. With my claws I tear out the flesh of the Indian and the Buddhist, Mongol and Din. 54. Bahlasti! Ompehda! I spit on your crapulous creeds.”
Thaaaaaat was pretty much the end of the conversation.
I’ve run out of patience for ridiculous duos with those who are too stubborn to ever admit that they could possibly be wrong. I know, I know, dear Christian… you think that I’m the same way. HOWEVER, I believe that your world view may be correct and I’m open to believing it if SOMEONE could make some sense of the shit you believe. Haven’t met that person yet. I know that I tried to hang on to your beliefs… and utterly failed. PRAISE THE LORD!!!! I’m FREE now!!!!
ZENO
www.obscenitease.com
Wow. I can imagine hearing a mumble of that move through a crowd.
How about just an entire crowd shouting, angrily, "Freedom from Religion! Freedom from Religion! Freedom from Religion!"
Or "You run the Church, we'll run the State." Just kidding. Somewhat.
Alternatively, "May Atlas Shrug!"
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A few weeks ago there was a guy handing out tracts near the walgreens. I happened to be wearing a my big red atheist t-shirt, so when he approached me I simple showed him the shirt and said "most definitely not interested."
He nearly followed me until I threatened to get a cop if he crossed the street after me. I went to Walgreens.
Came out of Walgreens, passed him again and he tried to evangelize to me again, and I simply laughed at him, and then a bunch of people on the street frowned at me and one man just kept clucking his tongue and saying how "that boy needed Jesus in his life."
“It is true that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. It is equally true that in the land of the blind, the two-eyed man is an enemy of the state, the people, and domestic tranquility… and necessarily so. Someone has to rearrange the furniture.”
Signature ? How ?
Signature ? How ?
Hey, some people with social phobias are fantastic debaters. Strange but true.
One of my bands I named 'Thomas Jefferson'. It was a tuff decision considering 'Thomas Paine', whom I consider as the breeze behind the "founding fathers".
It's a crying shame the people are so clueless and deprived by the FCC etc of knowing the minds of our freedom from religion free thinkers, all the way back to the ancients.
Atheism Books.