People that should start to pray. (Part 3)
It just occured to me that I never made a third part to this and that's a shame because I have so many more fun-filled dredges to add to the last part of this line-up! So, let's rock this joint and, while we're at it, rock a joint if you catch my drift! *elbow nudges*
7. The I-Listen-To-Any-Mainstream-Music Person - You know the simpletons I'm talking about; the ones that say "Oh, well, I listen to anything" bullshit. That's a cop out that just blows my mind. What the person is REALLY saying is that they have no mind of their own and let's the FCC tell them what's socially suitable to listen to and/or whatever the billboard decides is popular enough to give a fuck about. Let's get one thing straight, though; everyone has different tastes due to whatever life experiences they've gone through or what brings up the most pleasing emotions. I'm not dogging those people at all. My problem is with individuals that fit the general concensus of bland and meaningless elevator-esque music that everyone knows in their bitter hearts is just rotten, lacking originality, essence crushing, brain numbing schlock that would make the very pioneers of great genres weep like simpering little school girls in the moldy corners of a dilapidated house. It's an automaton-based social disease that has tended to thrive more and more with the likes of enablers like Justin Bieber, Lady Antebellum, Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga and similar acts and I don't see this mediocrity train slowing down any time soon. Every time you go out to pick up chicks or find yourself being introduced to friends of friends, you're met with these types of intellectual buzz kills, at least from a smart, free-thinking standpoint. My suggestion for dealing with said atrocities is to smile, pull out your iPod/MP3 player, ask him/her to listen of your stuff, make sure the volume is up all the way and cause their overall hearing to decrease a fraction of a decibel range making their road to going completely deaf that much easier since they weren't using their ears properly to begin with.
8. The Ordering-Everything-From-The-Menu-At-The-Drive-Thru Guy/Gal - Man, I'm really hungry. Shit, I didn't get a chance to go to the store this week; can't even make ramen or mac n' cheese. Too tired to even think about going to the grocery store and looking for stuff to make so, I guess it's fast food time! Jack-In-The-Box! I love their chicken sandwiches and their overall quality of food. Damn, looks like a long ass line. No problem, I'm a patient guy; I know people gotta eat! Only one more car until I can order and, by the looks of things, this guy should be done in a minute since all the other vehicles before him got done fairly quick. So, it's been about two minutes now...three minutes...five...ten...fifteen?? WHAT THE FUCK??!! Holy shit, this fool is stockpiling for a long winter, is incredibly indecisive, has slow motor functions or the order taker is busy laughing about how shitty their life is to be accurate; either scenario, I'm getting unrulely and that means I won't be kind once I place my meager order. Ok, this asshole isn't letting up so, I better shut off my car to save gas. Can't back up because three other cars have boxed me in. Ok, let's relax; car is off, no fear of wasting energy and... ARE YOU KIDDING?? NOW HE'S DONE? *almost rips steering column off* Thanks, jerk weed; it's as if you sensed me getting impatient and settling in for the long haul so, you ended your Patriot Act-sized order prematurely just to enrage me further. Fuck this, my food might as well taste like soggy cardboard after swallowing so much anger. There's no easy way to deal with people like this so, you kind of have to be creative or bend the rules a little bit from a past entry on my list and just turn the volume up on your factory-ass system to drown out thought processes to prompt a quicker order. My method? I just get out of the car and piss in their gas tanks if I can't wait to use the bathroom. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
9. The Outsourced-Tech/Telephone-Support-Foreigner-That-Reads-From-A-Script - Argh!!! Everything I've done to try and fix this problem just doesn't work. I have no other option but to deal with over-the-phone support. This is going to suck so bad. (The phases of telephone support) 1. Jumping through hoops: *press 1, 2, 7, 5, 69, 666, 601, 867-5309* (I got your number, Jenny!) 2. Repeating phase one in case you pressed the wrong number and waste twenty minutes 3. *waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggggg.................and more waiting..................while you listen to Yanni..................read a book to pass the time..................* Yes! I'm through! Ok, so, here's my prob- *tech starts yammering for three minutes about NOTHING that pertains to the problem and doesn't listen to you at all at first* Ok, fine, thanks, here's the issue *explain problem* *Tech responds by apologizing for the inconvenience and asks your telephone number/ID number/how many brain cells you have left after being exposed to all the drivel* *You explain that your phone/computer/whatever refuses to turn on or do jack shit* *Tech insults your intelligence by asking you if it's plugged in* *You explain the problem in a more detailed manner leaving little to no leighway for the tech to deduce the situation by suggesting the normal incessant stuff he tells the average dimwit that calls* *Tech acts like he heard nothing and procedes to read from the pre-written document like you have half a brain* *You explain that you've gone through every single measure to ensure what he's talking about doesn't pertain to the problem and must be their fuck-up* *Tech drones on like he's reading an instruction manual on the product(s) and treats you like a little kid* *You wish you could just reach through the reciever and strangle said "expert" until their head pops off, but retain your cool and offer to be transferred to a department with more expertise* *Tech mumbles shit about how helpful the call was, reminds you of other services, thanks you for calling that takes two minutes and transfers you* *Repeat phase three and go through everything all over again until you say fuck it and look at the nerd forums online for a viable solution* *You find out that you need to switch brands because what you have is an overhyped, poorly supported pile of tech horseshit, bite the bullet and buy something better* *Once something goes wrong with the new product, start the cycle all over again* There are only small degrees of winning in this scenario, no absolute victories.
10. The You-Should-Really-Leave-A-Tip Person - What a great night to go out to dinner with my friends. I really needed this after a stressful work week. Italian food; sweet! Holy fuck, that was some of the best ravioli I've ever had! The bread with olive oil and vinegar was so damn tasty. Hell, even the soda was good. So full, I couldn't eat another bite! My good buddy paid for dinner last time so, I'll cover everyone this time. Well, almost time to head out and- wait, what? He wants me to leave a tip? Huh?? Ok, I've made it clear that I don't believe in tipping unless the service was just stellar and even then, I don't leave much. Why should I have to pay extra for someone just doing their jobs? Not my fault they chose a profession where they rely on gratuity; fuck 'em! Really? He's fighting me on this?? He's actually getting pissed because I'm leaving a couple bucks just to shut him up?? Wow. Even if I'm against tipping, I did it to please him and not make a big deal out of it, but he claims "well, X amount times the 15-20% gratuiity equation divided by my stuffy attitude substracted by my sarcastic demeanor adds up to Y amount for tip!" Hey, I'm paying for the damn meal; why should he get to say anything at all? Ohh, so your argument is that waiters/waitresses remember bad tippers and will treat you accordingly. Yeah, I've left NO tip before on a fucking large ass bill and recieved the same treatment the next time I came in there as opposed to some sucker that left $20 on a ticket that totalled the price of a cup of coffee. Most establishments are so busy operating on auto pilot that they just don't take any notice anymore unless they want to be really snooty, but they risk their jobs being like that so EAT IT. As a matter of fact, my overly pompous friend, why don't you put some salt on this bill and cram it down your throat, you self-imposing, ungreatful son of a bitch, and the next time you get the urge to speak up for the average working class, make sure you're alone and not in the presence of someone that can and will knock you down a peg physically and mentally.
Thanks for reading!