People that should start to pray. (Part 2)

Sage_Override's picture

It's late, I had the best sex session with my woman (on her birthday) about twenty minutes ago and I feel AWESOME.  What better time than now to lay out the next group of dimwitted, primordial shit stains of the populace of Earth?

 

Without further ado...

 

4.  The Stuck-In-Gridlock-Music-Enthusiast - Yeah, I'm off work and traffic is mighty slow today.  Even though I left early, I'm still stuck in half hour/hour delay.  Oh, I see someone next to me is trying to cope with the situation by playing a little Notorious B.I.G.  Yeah, he's not a bad rapper.  Ahh, you turned it on full blast because you think everyone will like it!  Your trunk is rattling, you're giving me a migraine and causing me to get a little belligerent, but can't nobody hold you down, yo!  These hair-pulling pricks come in all varieties, too.  The other day, I was at the car wash and this ignorant Latino, throughout the entire time he vacuumed and washed his car, had Spanish hip-hop on to the point where by the time I left, I had a fucking headache.  The son of a bitch was lucky I don't carry a damn crowbar because I would have done a Mexican hat dance on his scuzzy ass.  I usually hate to point out that I have much better taste in music and a better sound system than these annoying fleas by turning up my stereo louder so, the only thing that seems logical prior to that would be to fire bomb their rolling heaps of noise polluting shit and pull them out of the smoldering wreckage to bust their kneecaps and cave their skull in with a metal bat from Big 5 Sporting Goods.

 

5.  Indecisive-Four-Way-Stop-Driver - Nice day for a drive.  Not a lot of people on the road and everything is peachy.  A four way stop, eh?  No problem!  Someone got here before I did.  No problem!  I see he/she isn't going.  I'll wave them on.  They're waving me on.  I insist that they go.  They insist that I go.  I still insist that they go since they have the right of way AND is on my right.  They're still not moving.  Incredible.  Ok, I'll just make my move and- FUCK!  They inched forward!  NOW they try to go?  Even after egging me on to go before them?  After all the courteous waving?  What a stupid douche.  These types of drivers should not be anywhere near a motor vehicle.  They can't decide what to do unless they are baby-stepped through everything on the road.  They don't know the laws so, they assume and accidents happen.  Ever try to make a u-turn when you're already on the road and some hapless numbskull on your left is pulling out of a shopping center or a restaurant parking lot and thinks they have the right of way and almost hits you and then gets mad at YOU for abiding by simple traffic laws?  Newsflash!  If you fucking hit me, you're fucking WRONG!  In any case, fire a gun into the air the next time you're faced with timid drivers and watch fence-sitting dredges make a decision pretty fucking quick.     

 

6.  The Traumatized-Into-Religion-Survivor-Or-Ex-Druggy - So, had a rotten run of life, huh?  Yeah, sorry to hear that.  I wish I could make it all better and help you, but I'm not a figment of your imagination like God.  Ok, look, I know you think you had an eye opening experience, but there's no need to bring up your past or situation that molded you into who you are today.  Also, there's no need to preach your holy epiphany to every friend and foe you run across in stores and gatherings a couple decibels louder than the average human converses with.  Yes, I'm sure God is great.  Yes, I'm sure you pray every day now.  Of course, the bible says many things.  Certainly, Jesus is lord in your mind, that's fantastic.  Uh huh.  Mm hmm.  Yep.  Alrighty.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!  I swear, why is it that every single time someone gets into a really bad accident, shoots up too many times and gets revived after an OD or hallucinates during a bad experience suddenly opens up their mind and body to a higher power?  It's like an AA meeting without the support group.  As if that wasn't bad enough, these sad sacks of protoplasm become shameless advertisements for religion and aren't afraid to get in your face about how it saved their life.  Someone needs to wire these naive liabilities of the human race into a Vulcan mind meld machine or just strap them to the hood of a mack truck going ninety off of the Grand Canyon.      

 

(more to come...)

"When the majority believes in what is false, the truth becomes a quest." - Me

Answers in Gene Simmons's picture

OK, may I nominate you for

OK, may I nominate you for the custom badge "W. S. Gilbert wannabe"?

 

He did that like 150 years ago and it remains an operatic classic.  Here is a youtube link:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dC-W-jQhPE

 

Even so, that is not the original.  It is a modern retelling of the same basic idea. The original told of annoying people from back then.  Actually, I have the original on my aswering machine and it has the line "The Nigger Serenader" as one of the list items.  However, it really refers to minstrel shows.

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=

Sage_Override's picture

Are you insulting me?  I

Are you insulting me?  I have no idea who the fuck that guy is for starters and I've been doing this kind of stuff for a long time.  I make lists about everything. 

"When the majority believes in what is false, the truth becomes a quest." - Me

Answers in Gene Simmons's picture

Sage_Override wrote:Are you

Sage_Override wrote:

Are you insulting me?  I have no idea who the fuck that guy is for starters and I've been doing this kind of stuff for a long time.  I make lists about everything. 

 

Heck no dude.  I am simply observing that you are following in the footsteps of those who have come before you.

 

That being said, Sir William Schwenck Gilbert did his list of people who should be killed as a service to society in general.

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=

Sage_Override's picture

Ahh, ok.  I'm cranky in the

Ahh, ok.  I'm cranky in the morning, sorry.  I'll have to check out that guy because he sounds like a riot.

"When the majority believes in what is false, the truth becomes a quest." - Me

Answers in Gene Simmons's picture

No worries dude. Only

No worries dude. Only the truly mirthless could be upset. But yah, check out the many operas by Gilbert and Sullivan. They were the nineteenth century's version of George Carlin. If it was a jab at anyone, it was a jab at the British Empire of the time.

They have a bit about people who are just too full of themselves that you might find amusing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSloW2coCDQ 

 After that, you should also check out Tom Lehrer's song “The Elements” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmwlzwGMMwc 

 Which brings us back to people who are too full of themselves. Tom Lehrer is the mathematician who did the work on the “drunkards walk” that allowed us to make really powerful, yet small nuclear weapons. During his time at Los Alamos, the mirthless security force had a problem with people mixing booze and nukes. Why that was a problem, I have no clue but there it is. Anyway, they missed the fact that he never brought in a box of jello to make on his own but only full trays of made jello.

Yes, that second link comes from the mind of the man who invented the jello shot. Because people who make nukes need to unwind after work too.

 

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=

Vastet's picture

*Falls off chair

*Falls off chair laughing*

While I am occassional offender of number 4, it's almost always in response to another offender playing something I don't like.

Now I have to track down part 1....

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.