People that should start to pray.

Sage_Override's picture

So, I've been thinking lately that there are a lot of rude, self-absorbed, scum sucking, amoeba-brain sized individuals on this Earth that just beg to be drop kicked into the nearest gorge and break every bone on the way down until they release their bowels after suffering excrutiating pain from the 500-ft. plummet before they finally expire.


Now then, I never believed in prayer when I was religious and I think people that do it now are contradicting themselves since God supposedly has a divine plan.  It's a selfish act that begs the question as to why worshippers believe that intertwining their fingers while kneeling, lifting their hands up in church or bowing their heads with their eyes closed will envoke anything but futility.


That being said, here's a small list of certain types of people that, regardless of beliefs, need to pray because if I ever get the chance to do so, I will personally torture and/or humiliate them for being such a waste of food, manners, air and resources.


1.  The Passively-Rude-Inside-The-Movie-Theatre-Bright-Screen-Cell-Phone-User - So, I see you got a cell phone there.  Yeah, I got one, too.  Oh, look at that!  That's quite a luminous glow!  I bet you got a text message or maybe you felt your phone vibrate when you set it on silent as to not disturb anyone else in the theatre with your lame flavor of the week ringtone.  You think you're being considerate by making no noise, eh?  Newsflash, dipshit; we can all see your FUCKING SCREEN.  We want our eyes to focus on the big ass screen with the funny/dramatic/action packed movie, but we're drawn like moths to the flame to your silly little glaring cell phone nuisance.  We can't help it; it's just how our ocular vision works.  The next time I'm in a theatre eating my popcorn and munching on my box of Whoppers, I'm going to storm over to where the yuppy is sitting and give him/her an instant message of pain.

2.  The I-Just-Turned-Twenty-One-Drink-Expert - Most commonly found in large groups of bar douchebags that go out every weekend to mingle with other large groups of bar douchebags, the Twenty One Guy likes to see himself as a self-proclaimed master of the booze because he's of legal drinking age and he's done his homework on every single mixed drink the interweb has to offer!  Don't think he's going to be shy, either.  Since he fancies himself so skilled in liquor combinations, he'll recommend the same bland, watered down mixed drinks this side of a stripclub because it was survey says "extremely popular."  The truth of the matter is he wouldn't know what hard alcohol was if he was beamed in the head with a bottle of moonshine.  There are a few ways to shut up Mr. Hair of the Dog, but the best way is to recommend to him a very special drink called the Louisville Slugger, which consists of breaking a Corona bottle over his head and promptly kicking him in the balls.   


3.  The Loud-Mouthed-Classroom-Minority - It's nice to see so many people taking the same class as me.  I can't wait to learn about Arthurian legends!  Class seems to have started and the instructor is handing out the syllabus.  Hmm, what's the annoying noise?  Could it be coming from up front?  Oh shit, not one of these chuckleheaded tumors.  The instructor doesn't want to hear about your annoying children, your pitiful drug using past, your time in prison with a cellmate named Sharonda, how you found Jesus, what type of car you drive, what kind of house you rent, your menial shit job or ANYTHING.  SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ABSORB KNOWLEDGE, YOU FESTERING BOIL OF A DRIED UP HAG!  For the sake of sounding racist, sometimes it's a PWT (poor white trash) bitch and they're almost as bad, or even worse, as the black ones and the Mexican ones.  It's usually never a guy; it's always women.  It's like they morphed into humongous squawking magpies that have lost the ability to close their pie holes and restrain themselves from divulging personal information about their empty, non-influential lives.  The next time I have the misfortune of being in the same learning environment as these social parasites, the gloves will come off and the fur will fucking fly when I unleash my arsenal of rabid wolverines onto their flesh and gleefully hop up and down with delight as I rid myself of another mental inhibitor. 


(more to come...until next time...)



"When the majority believes in what is false, the truth becomes a quest." - Me

Renee Obsidianwords's picture

You are like Santa...making

You are like Santa...making your list of who is naughty  Smiling  (Hey, where are the nice ones?)

I have had #3 and #1 happen - but combined...loud mouth with cell phone during the movie... ugh!

Look forward to reading more!

Slowly building a blog at ~

Archeopteryx's picture

Ah, Lists

I've made lists like these before. Our lists might cross at some points. For example, I agree about the cellphones, but I take it to the extreme. I hate people talking on their cellphones in almost any context. In my opinion, they are phones. THEY ARE FUCKING PHONES. They are to be used only as necessary, and when they are used, you are to excuse yourself, go outside or to some corner off by yourself somewhere, and have yourself a phone conversation. They are not for talking about last night's party in the middle of the library, they are not for "call me back, bro, I'm at the movies", they are not for texting in the middle of classes or while SOMEONE IS FUCKING TALKING TO YOU, and on and on.


Cellphones are the only bit of technology that send me into a sort of luddite rage.


I like that you mentioned the I-want-the-professor-to-know-my-life-story girl that frequently shows up in college classrooms. I once began making a list of annoying college student archetypes. Here are a few I can remember:


1. THE WALKING DIARY - Pretty much as you described above. This person (almost always a girl; more likely as the age of the girl increases) insists on sharing their life story with anyone, especially the professor, who makes the mistake of entertaining a conversation with them. Any attempts to move the conversation away from the details of this person's life will be promptly thwarted, since the person has years of experience seeing the world only as it relates to them.

2. THE ONE-UPPER - How much homework did you say you have for the weekend? Oh, I have, like, TWICE that much. How hard is your homework? Oh, man, I had this one assignment last week that was, like, TWICE as hard as that. Isn't this class boring? Man, this one time I had this professor that was even more being than this guy! You did what when you were eight years old? Man, when I was that age, I was like, ten.

3. COCKY UNDERACHIEVER - A person who takes a class that is under their current skill level (e.g. a person with eight years of French education taking French 2) and then attempts to answer all questions and dominate all discussions.

4. THE PROFESSOR CORRECTOR - Self-explanatory. There is a good way of raising a question or objection with what a professor says in class, and there is a bad way. These assholes only understand the bad way.

5. THE PONTIFICATOR - A perfectly average college student with a perfectly average personality that goes through a transformation the moment a classroom discussion starts. Their old posture melts away, and they assume a very upright posture, or maybe do their best attempt at "the thinker". They squint their eyes and nod their head at the professor as if saying, "Yes, I see what you said there and I find it very, very interesting." They are likely to place their fingers on their chin to indicate to everyone their thoughtfulness. They then raise their hand and, when called upon, proceed to offer the most baffling, retarded comments anyone has ever spoken, but they do it in a very confident, preachy voice. Not only is it annoying, but it's painful to watch, because you feel so embarrassed for them, and you feel so bad for the professor, who is obligated to take them seriously.

6. MR. PASSIVE - Almost always a male. Identifiable by the way he routinely arrives ten minutes after class has started, but strolls in as if it's no big deal. Then he plops down, slouches in his chair, and tries his best to take a nap. When called upon and forced to offer some kind of insight or opinion, he is only capable of shrugging his shoulders and saying, "I dunno" or pointing to someone else and saying "He said what I was going to say." Once the evasion is over, he goes back to his nap.

7. CELLPHONE KIDS - TURN IT OFF AND PUT IT THE FUCK AWAY FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST. Putting it on vibrate doesn't count. Wah-wah, it makes it quieter, boo-hoo-hoo. Bullshit. It just exchanges an annoying ring tone for the annoying racket your phone makes while it rattles across your fucking desk, the floor or against the dildo (or whatever) in your purse. OFF MEANS OFF, ASSHOLE.

8. THE TAG-NUT - After almost every class, you'll find this person standing awkwardly at the back of the room, or over in some corner, or otherwise away from everyone else. A sort of human island, shifting from one foot to the other, quietly waiting for everyone to leave. The tag-nut is unlike the other students who have after-class questioins for the professor, who stand near the professor and wait their turn. No, he very awkardly waits, far off, to be the last. When it's finally his turn, he asks a meaningless and/or stupid question. (e.g. Did you say you were from New York? Oh, that's interesting. I was just wondering because I have an uncle from New York. Yeah. Okay, see you next class.) WTF OK...?

9. GOD GIRL - Always a girl. (In my experience.) You always hear her talking before class about how some class or professor was offensive in some way, because something about the class or the professor's comments called her religion into question, and she just thinks that's so rude for them to force students to read stuff that makes fun of religion (literature,etc) or to make them pretend God's not real to pass the class (biological anthropology,etc). In classes that explicitly or implicitly call the notion of God into question, God girl is always willing to offer her apologist explanation to the class. God girl is on college campuses everywhere, bitching.

10. THE COMPETITOR - Did you start on that paper for next week? No? I started mine last night. I've got about three pages done already. How far are you in the reading? Really? I really like it, so I read like ten chapters ahead. Don't I have (insert other class) with you? Are you worried about the exam? Yeah, me neither, I got A's on all the assignments so far. How are you doing in there?


I'm sure there are more to collect.


A place common to all will be maintained by none. A religion common to all is perhaps not much different.

ProzacDeathWish's picture

Sheesh, why bother itemizing

Sheesh, why bother itemizing which types of people suck ?  They all suck. 

Vastet's picture

Never encountered 2 or 3. As

Never encountered 2 or 3. As for one, I've always been on the side of theatres having cell phone interference shutting them down involuntarily. And hostpitals. And restaurants. And various other locations.

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.