Not sure what I believe
Alright so possibly a blog to introduce myself.
I am not an athiest but I am also not sure I am a christian any more. So I am caught some where in the middle. So I guess you could say I am agnostic ( I had to look that up ).
I had long ago decided organized religian was a bad thing. I had long ago decided that the bible was not to be taken littrally but as a guide line. Mind you I had never read the bible. I had however read the little children version front to back. The one full of great stories of moral high ground. I always questioned that was in my nature.
I came from a religiouse house hold but my parents were by no means model citizens. My dad would go out drinking and doing drugs friday night and saturday night and beat up my mom and then sunday we went to church. The older I got the more rediculouse this seemed. One day our pastor was arrested for molesting a child. I think that might have been the day I decided organized religian wasnt for me.
I was still very narrow minded actually dropping out of biology because I refused to EVEN learn about evelution. I couldnt ever say that people who were homosexual where bad people but I definatly hated there actions and said I would pray for them. I then stayed with a very abusive man for 6 years because I believed god would punish me if I left him because in his eyes I was married to him.
One day it became to much - I left and suspended all believe of anything. Not only of God but of morality itself. I experienced many things I had judged others for doing I decided it was time to make my own desisions about how the world worked.
During this time I met my husband - Brought up by an extremely strict catholic family he to had suspended his belief. For me his existance at a time in my life when I was 2 steps away from living on the streets told me there was a god.
Looking back - its a series of very good descisions that allowed me to meet him made after a series of bad ones. But none the less I made those choices and had I made diffrent ones I would be in a very diffrent place.
2 wounderfull years have gone by we have discussed many things and theories on religian and how it effects people ect. Both never thinking of the possibility that there is no god but just that all religians have it wrong.
Then we ran into Richard Dawkins work one night both of us couldnt get enough. Opening up to us the possibility that god does not exist and even if he does - do we even like him.
Instantly both of us recognized a fear in us to say " there is no god, I deny the holey spirit" meand eternal damnation. I am working with a psyciatrist to recover from the abuse of my childhood as wella s my ex I instantly recognized the feeling as a "trigger" much like I get when trying to do something I was previously harmed for doing.
My husband had a great deal of discusion about this and for him it really came down to - he believed his mother was the authority on God not his priest ( his mother is dead ) so essentially he is afraid of his mothers wrath not god and for him realising there is no god has been liberating.
For me - my version of god has become very diffrent then the christian version or really any version. God is like my imaginary friend. It will hurt his feelings if I say he doesnt exist and I will burn in hell - but that aside. I need him to exist, I need to feel like I am not alone like not matter what I have this made up entity to look up to. I know he isnt the god in the bible because my god doesnt care if people are gay or if you have sex with a women on her period. My god thinks the passion of the christ is sick and the whole bible is twisted.
When I was alone locked in a closet by my brother or locked outside I took solace in knowing that while I could not take my revenge on him one day god would.
I think for me I have a very distorted not factual base believe in god - built on the thought that I had to believe in him or I would burn in hell but knowing I couldnt believe in the god presented to me.
So while I believe that the belief in god is child like much like the belief in Santa Clause I also know that my own experience has led my psyci to need to create a mythical way that I can be safe from those who would or could harm me and some thing that will seek revenge on those who wrong me.
This is a frusterating part of my mind that believes this because it holds it like a security blanket - like letting go of it means my world will crash down and I will have to *gasp* believe in myself and those around me for a change.
Its frusterating for me to see and know I use it as a crutch and yet not be able to let it go.
Its frusterating to know I search to disprove gods existance but yet no amount of proof will ever be enough.
Mind you I find the same comfort in my horses and the same comfort in being sourounded by "gods creations"
I suspect its all reprograming - programmed as a child to not only fear god but learning to find comfort in him.
as you can see this is one long blog of nonsence. here I sit confused trying to balance rational thought with known irational beliefs.