Christians in Texas Command Hurricane Ike to Stop
A group of Christians from Windsor Village United Methodist Church in Houston, Texas, has decided to call upon the Almighty to stop the advancement of Hurricane Ike into Houston. By beseeching the assistance of Jesus, the alleged son of God, they have "power and authority to affect the weather," says one churchgoer upon questioning. When asked how it came to be known that they possessed this extraordinary ability, the answer was simple: faith. While it may seem absurd to claim any knowledge of this power since it has not been borne out by evidence of any kind, faith is all the evidence these believers need. Rev. Caldwell, pastor of the church, says, "It is definitely by faith that we know that we have an impact." Their church recently held a prayer meeting in order to officially command Ike to cease and desist its approach into the Houston area. Some participants claimed to have calmed Edouard and sent hurricane Gustav into southern Louisiana. No explanation was given for the Almighty's lack of regard for the residents in that area.
Other incredulous residents have demanded proof. "If they do have this power, then they should be using it for the good of all, possibly even 24 hours a day for weather all over the world," says one of these skeptics. Another person suffered mild oxygen deprivation and was nearly hospitalized after hearing the news due to sanguinea, or excessive laughter. Overall, the reaction has ranged from anger to hilarity. Some are simply curious. In order to quell the doubts of the faithless, it is the responsibility of the members of Windsor Village UMC and all others who feel that they possess this power to gather en masse and put this argument to rest.
Staying in the Houston area and commanding this "satanic" storm to stop is not only the right thing to do for the sake of all of the residents of this heavily populated area, it will also prove the veracity of their claims. The existence of such a power could have life-saving potential for people all over the world, and the brave men and women here should do all they can for the benefit of humanity--gather together on the beaches of Houston, Galveston, wherever this storm is predicted to make landfall, and push it back with the power of prayer. With more knowledge of this phenomenon, we can all look forward to a future free from natural disasters and other, shall we say, acts of God.
(portions of the above are parody)
If you are interested in helping to stop Hurricane Ike, the following prayer is the official "Severe Weather Prayer" being used:
Stand in your front or back yard, extend your hand in the direction of the Gulf of Mexico and speak to Hurricane Ike.
Pray with the authority that has been given to you in Jesus Christ and pray in faith. Please pray this prayer out loud and with fervency and determination. God has placed His power in our verbal expressions so lift up your voice. Believe that your prayers will produce results in Jesus’ name.
Please pray this prayer 1-2 times per day.
Thank you, in advance, for standing on the wall for Houston.
A Prayer Against Hurricane Ike
Father, there is none like You. You are great and Your Name is great in might. Who would not fear You, O King of the nations? This is Your rightful due. Among all the wise men of the nations and in all their kingdoms there is none like You. We acknowledge You as Lord over the United States. Thank You for blessing our great city. Thank You for Your continued love, grace, and provision.
Using the authority given to us in the Name of Jesus, we speak to Hurricane Ike and we command the winds and storms to dissipate. We command the peace of God to be still within Hurricane Ike and we declare that Ike will not bring harm or devastation to Houston and the surrounding coastal areas.
Lord, we ask You to touch the heart of every believer in this area to pray against this hurricane.
Father, please forgive us for our many sins. Please forgive disobedience, rebellion, unbelief, forms of idolatry, shedding of innocent blood, and the rejection of Your Son, Jesus Christ. God have mercy on the Houston Metropolitan Area.
Lord, help us to overcome our temptations and deliver us from this impending destruction. We ask You to destroy every satanic assignment against us.
Now to You, the King Eternal, Immortal, Invisible, to You who alone is wise be honor and glory forever and ever. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Scripture References for the Written Text: Jeremiah 10:6-7, Mark 4:39, Matthew 6:13, I Timothy 1:17
THE NON-PARODY RESPONSE:
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