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Razorcade and Darth's great big thread of funny remarks.

Posted on: February 16, 2007 - 12:15am
darth_josh
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Razorcade and Darth's great big thread of funny remarks.

The idea here is to create a thread chronicling the BEST remarks made in any forum, show, thread, blog, or chat.

By BEST, we mean the funniest, cruellest, coldest, and most quotable comments/one-liners. If it needs too much explanation then it probably won't be as funny as it was initially.

Preferably, the person making the comment and the person the commented is directed at should remain anonymous unless permitted.

An example:

person1: I would like to do one on who would win a bar fight.

person2: XXXX, i only read as far as, "i would like to do one"

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Posted on: July 11, 2007 - 10:14pm #51
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Biodroid wrote: My "Born

Biodroid wrote:
My "Born Again" aunt used logic once....I chalked it up to the "Infinite Monkeys on Typewriters" Parable Eye-wink

 

:ROTF:

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Posted on: July 16, 2007 - 8:52pm #52
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I'm not going to veil the

I'm not going to veil the identify of this one because everyone would know anyway.

wavefreak wrote:
 

friendlyagnostic wrote:
thanks for all the comments. I definitely find them interesting. I've noticed deists and pantheists on here too..........

 

I'm a waffle-ist

 

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Posted on: July 16, 2007 - 9:45pm #53
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Susan wrote: I'm not going

Susan wrote:

I'm not going to veil the identify of this one because everyone would know anyway.

wavefreak wrote:

friendlyagnostic wrote:
thanks for all the comments. I definitely find them interesting. I've noticed deists and pantheists on here too..........

 

I'm a waffle-ist

 

 

It was all well and good until the Belgian's splintered off and created their own sect. It was all down hill from there. Now there are so many different branches of the faith I can't keep track. Toaster-ism, microwave-ology, The Butterworth Contingent ... 

My Artwork


Posted on: July 17, 2007 - 5:10pm #54
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from fstdt.com "I heard some

from fstdt.com "I heard some fundies are sending a manned rocket to the sun, something to do with being closer to heaven.

They realise that there will be a bit of a heat problem - but they have a solution. They are going at night.
"

"Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions."--Frater Ravus


Posted on: July 21, 2007 - 5:04pm #55
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By a theist at

By a theist at Secularity/NetRelate.com:

"Show me ONE thing that is out of sequence with the Big Bang Theory from Chapter 1 of Genesis."


Posted on: July 22, 2007 - 9:09am #56
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Oh my side is

Oh my side is hurting.

Quote:

Guess what, you are a theist.

You can still visit the site and rant about christians, muslims, parking meters, falling in manholes, licking poison frogs to get high, or whatever else is on your mind.

 

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Posted on: July 22, 2007 - 10:05am #57
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The obnoxious ones bring

The obnoxious ones bring out the best in some mods.

Quote:

You have CLEARLY stated you believe in a supernatural and transcendental deity, i.e. god. This makes you a theist, end of discussion.

I you have a driver's license and operate a motor vehicle, you are a DRIVER.  You may suck at it and hit every fucking thing you see but you are still a DRIVER. You may own a piece of shit that does not belong on the road but you are still a DRIVER. You may have a vehicle brand that no one else on the road owns but you are still a DRIVER. You may not use car for anything more than going to bake sales and going to the salon to get the bottom of your earlobes waxed but you are still a DRIVER.

You may not use your theism for anything but making your heart feel all warm and answering questions you cannot, but you are still a THEIST!!

 

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Posted on: July 22, 2007 - 10:11am #58
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Oh this one is on a roll

Oh this one is on a roll today:

Quote:
Thanks for playing.

Next up on the "Happy Happy Fun Hour Of Word Redefinition And Refusal Of Ones Own Beliefs", we have Ken from Florida who claims the because he believes god created humans 6000+ years ago in their current form and there were dinosaurs on Noah's Ark, it DOES NOT infer he is a creationist. Rather, he is definition unto himself and his beliefs do not infer what he believes.

Made me laugh so hard I snorted! 


Posted on: July 22, 2007 - 4:19pm #59
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Some of BGH's posts just

Some of BGH's posts just about make me fall out of my chair laughing.  He's at it again!

 

BGH wrote:

 

The book will describe how George W. Bush married an elephant in March of 2007. It will also describe how for a short period of time in January of 2006 all of the oceans on earth became polka dotted with the neon colors deep violet and turquoise. The book will also descibe a magical toilet located in New York Central Station that grants wishes and is prophetic about the future of Katie Couric's career. Then the book will go on to describe the internet poster 'xxxxxx' and everything about the poster's existance will be factual.

 I particulary like the part about the magical toilet.

 

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Posted on: July 23, 2007 - 9:56pm #60
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In response to a

In response to a 'questionaire'.

Quote:

Pssst, (poster).  That's kinda MySpace.


Posted on: July 26, 2007 - 9:00pm #61
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  I have known many

 

I have known many theists who where 'week' atheists.

During the week there is no mention of god and no thoughts of god. On sundays they become devout believers.

 

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Posted on: July 29, 2007 - 11:48pm #62
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I almost fell out of my


I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read this one!

 

xxxx wrote:
 

 God exists.

 

 To which a theist responded:

 

Concise. Yet somehow lacking.

 

Here's a clue, you are at risk of having a new anal orifice forcibly rended into your corporeal self.

 

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Posted on: August 1, 2007 - 1:56am #63
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I had to listen to the

I had to listen to the audio for the full humor. Here are the positions for the funny parts for those who have payed for this show or are a subscriber:

darth_josh wrote:
Show #48:

RaptureRight: Brian, we were not aware that there were going to be a female on the program tonight. Is that okay with you guys that she's on the phone right now?

Kelly:Are you out of your fucking head?

41:27

 

darth_josh wrote:
Kelly: And thanks so much for the song. I can't wait to dance around naked to it the next time I'm at work.

RaptureRight: You're welcome. I can't wait to try your cookies. Now, go get baking.

1:18:40

Other (longer) gems begin at 59:27 and 1:03:08

"Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions. Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity. ..." -- Thomas Jefferson


Posted on: August 1, 2007 - 4:44am #64
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I'm laughing again as hard

I'm laughing again as hard as I was during that show. That was such a priceless prank.

 

 

One of my favorite bloggers recently deconstructed the 'death cat' story. The whole thing was funny, but here is my favorite highlight:

Quote:
According to residents, the cat doesn’t even like people. Hello? Cat hates people, cat hangs out with people, people mysteriously die hours later? People please, if this were an episode of Colombo we would’ve already heard Peter Falk say, “Uh, sorry sir, I just had one more question…” and then the cops storm the place and throw Mr. Whiskers into frigging Cat Penitentiary for life x 9.

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Posted on: August 3, 2007 - 1:38am #65
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  Is it wrong? Yes. Is it

 

Is it wrong? Yes. Is it funny? Up to you. I put it here so we know I'm laughing guiltily.

 

Quote:
XXXX wrote:
Quote:
XXXX, I bet you like poetry, fantacy, wishful thinking instead of hard fact and logic, right?
No, I do enjoy films in which the US military kills foreigners though.

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Posted on: August 6, 2007 - 7:08pm #66
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By a Christian:   "How do

By a Christian:

 

"How do you know you don't have a soul?" 


Posted on: August 8, 2007 - 2:56am #67
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Said in chat. Not by

Said in chat. Not by me:

Quote:
what's fun is muslims debating xians. It's like watching retarded children fight
 

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Posted on: August 8, 2007 - 3:03am #68
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darth_josh wrote: Said in

darth_josh wrote:

Said in chat. Not by me:

Quote:
what's fun is muslims debating xians. It's like watching retarded children fight

 

Said in response by me:

 

Quote:
Thats offensive to retarded children
 


Posted on: August 10, 2007 - 2:16am #69
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"I watch tentacle rape

"I watch tentacle rape porn(hentai) for the same reason Fred Phelps rents gay porn - research Eye-wink"

 

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Posted on: August 10, 2007 - 9:13am #70
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Quote:

Quote:
Let's have some fun! I am going to remove all of the useless parts of this post and replace them with "......blah, blah.....". We will see what is left.

Quote:


Below are a few observations about atheists:

Atheists love ......blah, blah...... there is no God;......blah, blah..... there isn't a God because ......blah, blah..... He doesn't exist. ......blah, blah..... no matter what you say to an atheist, the ......blah, blah.....response is ......blah, blah....."Well, prove it!".........blah, blah.....

It has been our experience that most atheists know ......blah, blah..... the Bible; ......blah, blah.....Jesus,......blah, blah..... an allegorical figure named Jesus Christ ......blah, blah..... " What's that got to do with anything? ......blah, blah.....belief in Yeshua (Jesus - the Jewish Messiah) ......blah, blah..... was ......blah, blah.....Nobody ......blah, blah.....! Yeshua was the ......blah, blah.....concept of ......blah, blah..... Paul ......blah, blah.....

Another atheist ......blah, blah..... fact that ......blah, blah..... a myriad "Christian" denominations ......blah, blah..... around the world......blah, blah..... killed each other over ......blah, blah.....their books ......blah, blah..... to believe what they taught?

Most atheists ......blah, blah.....ask themselves ......blah, blah..... try to find the answers ......blah, blah.....:


Now in this section I will replace the glaring errors with "......science explains.....", or useless parts with "......blah, blah....".
Quote:

* ......blah, blah.... the Bible is not a science book......blah, blah....

* ......science explains..... the Earth is here ......science explains..... gravity ......science explains..... bugs.....blah, blah.......

* ......science explains.....Why is it that water freezes differently from other fluids (it gets less dense), and ......science explains.....that it is critical for our very survival

* ......science explains.....Why don't trees just become pulp, a sappy mess when we cut them down? ......science explains.....Why do they remain intact as something we can use for fire, shelter, build houses, make paper, etc?

* ......science explains..... that atoms stay together.....blah, blah.........

* ......science explains..... astronomy......science explains..... the great number of stars......blah,blah..........

* ......science explains..... circulation of the atmosphere

* ......science explains..... principles of fluid dynamics

* ......science explains..... the hydrologic cycle


This section we will continue replacing the useless parts with "........blah, blah........".

Quote:
More questions and comments for the atheists:

* Since more than 300.......blah, blah........people "believe" .......blah, blah........ in the Bible.......blah, blah........people are blind.......blah, blah........

* If you don't believe .......blah, blah........ Bible prophecies have come true.......blah, blah........ the world's atheists to PROVE they didn't! Not with "opinions" or by insisting, "No, they didn't happen", but by absolute scientific PROOF! .......blah, blah........proof positive that Yeshua was never born .......blah, blah........the Dead Sea Scrolls weren't discovered....

* Prove that .......blah, blah........the Bible .......blah, blah........ thousand years ago.......blah, blah........ it didn't happen.......blah, blah........How could that have happened? Magic?

* PROVE that the conflict between.......blah, blah........ the Bible, and the Bible says .......blah, blah........ will NOT be resolved .......blah, blah........

If you believe nothing.......blah, blah........ you see .......blah, blah........ the world .......blah, blah........ earth as you know it .......blah, blah........ will spread good will and peace .......blah, blah........ and make your life .......blah, blah........ peace .......blah, blah........ the whole world .......blah, blah........

ATHEISTS: .......blah, blah........YOU have the .......blah, blah........ right to be atheists. So, we suggest, .......blah, blah........ spend all your time on the Internet talking about God, .......blah, blah........berating believers .......blah, blah........more constructively. With your constant attacks, you are .......blah, blah........ right.......blah, blah........

I loved this!!!


Posted on: August 10, 2007 - 9:19am #71
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Question from a

Question from a theist:

Quote:

What has Atheism contributed to the world, that is unique to Atheism, would have been impossible without Atheism, and has made the world a better place?

Perfect answer:

Quote:

Atheism contributed me to the world. I mean, what else could this world ask for?

Sticking out tongue


Posted on: August 23, 2007 - 8:40pm #72
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PWNED Person: "Right. 

PWNED Person: "Right.  Just keep your hands off your sister."

PWNING Remark/Response: "You don't have to worry about that. We're not all into inbreeding like your parents were,"

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Posted on: August 23, 2007 - 10:57pm #73
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OP: Quote: I'm afraid

OP:

Quote:
I'm afraid Theism is not a mind disorder, no physchiatrist can even diagnose it. You also need to do better research, because I'm afraid there is no proof of atheism. You people seem to be too arrogant to look at all the facts right. And it is no wonder why a blind-eye like Richard Dawkins represents you people, even he can't even look for more research, because, among just a few things, I'm afraid religion doesn't encourage evil and no, in a lot of ways humankind would still remain troubled if everyone where like you people.

 

pwned by a mod (No, it was not I.):

 

The MOD wrote:
xxxxxxx wrote:
I'm afraid Theism is ....blah,blah.... a mind disorder, ....blah,blah.... physchiatrist can even diagnose it. You also ....blah,blah.... do better research, because I'm afraid there is ....blah,blah.... proof of atheism. You people seem to ....blah,blah.... look at all the facts right. And it is no wonder why ....blah,blah.... Richard Dawkins represents you people, even he ....blah,blah.... look for more research because I'm afraid religion ....blah,blah.... encourage evil.

I fixed your post.

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Posted on: August 31, 2007 - 12:47pm #74
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In a thread about plans to

In a thread about plans to build a library on the moon of human history

guy1: it'll be awesome when they have to include the faked moon landing as part of human history. 

guy2:the moon landing faked? What are you, some sort of clever advertisement for contraceptives?! 

"Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions."--Frater Ravus


Posted on: September 10, 2007 - 10:54pm #75
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Quote: Quote: To answer

Quote:
Quote:

To answer your #2 question, Todangst:

 

I can't say for certain, but I suppose that it's because astronauts can serve as a sort of symbol for scientific advancement, and the moon landing was a landmark in our history. I chalk it up to a feeble attempt to make his creation introduction sound more like science and/or real history.

I would have prefered a Darth Vader voice myself. If there really was a God, I would hope that's what he sounded like.

 

John the baptist never told you what happened to your father.

 

He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

No, Jesus... I AM your father.

 

NOOOOOoooooo!!!!!

 


Posted on: September 18, 2007 - 3:21pm #76
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  While having a classroom

 

While having a classroom debate with a professor, he called the literacy of prophets into question, punctuating with this bit of wit:

 

"Think of Mohammed for Christ's sake!"

 

A place common to all will be maintained by none. A religion common to all is perhaps not much different.


Posted on: December 6, 2007 - 12:30pm #77
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Quote: They're so vain,

Quote:
They're so vain, they think your indifference is about them.

In response to Catholic outrage over the 'new atheism'. 


Posted on: January 1, 2008 - 11:21pm #78
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Moderator to Moderator

Moderator to Moderator advice:

Mod1: So-and-so is complaining about their theist tag.

Mod2: Complain about your "moderator" label. Say it paints you as a mealy-mouthed moderate and you certainly have a definite opinion when it comes to religion. Smiling

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Posted on: January 2, 2008 - 2:20am #79
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"Your argument is like

"Your argument is like this: "You don't put light bulbs up your ass?! Well, what the heck do you put up there?!" We've been trying to convey we don't put anything up there, but it's inconceivable to a seasoned catcher like yourself."

Mental image anyone? LOL. 

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Posted on: January 2, 2008 - 3:09am #80
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In a thread about jesus'

In a thread about jesus' "sacrifice", a theist explained:

    "God was forsaken of God."

 

There are no theists on operating tables.

πππ†
π†††


Posted on: January 2, 2008 - 4:07am #81
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Hum. RL ok ?   Lady

Hum. RL ok ?

 

Lady sitting next to me in a Begginer comp class

 

Lady: Hey dave.. My mouse is at the edge of the screen and im out of room on my mouse pad.

Me: (Blinks) Uh pick up the mouse and move it to the center of the mouse pad.

Lady: Um.......(Long long silence) Thank you

 

(Ive read of this exact situation before but untill it actualy happend to me i seriusly did not think people were this dumb) (Then i woke up to reality) 


Posted on: January 2, 2008 - 4:40am #82
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   Religion, it is about

   Religion, it is about eating mushrooms

very much like LSD

I did it , and wow , there was GOD !

I swear it .....

see, I even wrote it  that is not proof

?

 

 

 

Atheism Books.


Posted on: January 2, 2008 - 11:32am #83
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darth_josh wrote: "Your

darth_josh wrote:

"Your argument is like this: "You don't put light bulbs up your ass?! Well, what the heck do you put up there?!" We've been trying to convey we don't put anything up there, but it's inconceivable to a seasoned catcher like yourself."

Mental image anyone? LOL. 

 

I was about to put that one here, but you already did. I literally almost fell off my computer chair laughing when I read that one.

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Posted on: January 2, 2008 - 12:08pm #84
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I AM GOD AS YOU

I AM GOD AS YOU wrote:

   Religion, it is about eating mushrooms

very much like LSD

I did it , and wow , there was GOD !

I swear it .....

see, I even wrote it  that is not proof

?

 

Everything you say is funny but not necessarily 'ha ha' funny. 

If god takes life he's an indian giver


Posted on: January 2, 2008 - 10:29pm #85
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Watcher wrote: Ok, this is

Watcher wrote:

Ok, this is what I need.

A donkey, a pair of handcuffs, a trombone, a tub of vasoline, and a midget.

in the

Atheism Overrun by Assholes and Whores?

thread.

 I have a bad chest cold atm and was laughing and coughing my lungs out .. Damn i allmost died from lack of 02 lol

 


Posted on: January 3, 2008 - 8:23pm #86
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"Unless I superglue

"Unless I superglue sandpaper to the inside of my palms, I'm very unlikely to be injured by going to a strip club."

ROFLMAO

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Posted on: January 3, 2008 - 11:55pm #87
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Quote: Maybe you should

Quote:

Maybe you should learn to read and then post. On the forum, we generally respect the following chain of events:

1. Read

2. Think

3. Post

Not

1. Pound keyboard

2. Post

And lastly, Tu Quoque

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Posted on: January 4, 2008 - 1:11am #88
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darth_josh wrote: "Your

darth_josh wrote:

"Your argument is like this: "You don't put light bulbs up your ass?! Well, what the heck do you put up there?!" We've been trying to convey we don't put anything up there, but it's inconceivable to a seasoned catcher like yourself."

Mental image anyone? LOL.

I read that one today and my mouth dropped open.  I couldn't believe 1) how funny it was and 2) how ballsy it was. 

You know who you are, Marshall Applewhite. 

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Posted on: January 4, 2008 - 1:45am #89
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a seeker wrote: Who said

a seeker wrote:
Who said its All got to be followed?

 

Hes talking about the bible ..... 


Posted on: January 15, 2008 - 8:33pm #90
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Taken from this

Taken from this thread.

Tarpan wrote:
wavefreak wrote:
Tarpan wrote:

wavefreak wrote:
If you can't trust god then who the hell can you trust?

Because something is more powerful why would you assume you can trust it?

I was being facetious.

thank god

 

Organised religion is the ultimate form of blasphemy.
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Posted on: January 26, 2008 - 5:08am #91
darth_josh
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Quote: Quote: Nothing

Quote:
Quote:
Nothing positive will come of my phone ringing in the morning.

What if it's his mommy calling to apologize for his behavior?

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Posted on: January 28, 2008 - 4:43am #92
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Quote: Isn't it cute how

Quote:
Isn't it cute how the dogmatic completely avoid the parts of the arguments that make them look foolish? A real insult to human dignity... you just want to pinch his cheecks and put a sticker on his forehead that says "I am a complete dumbass."

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Posted on: January 28, 2008 - 6:26pm #93
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Archeopteryx wrote: There

Archeopteryx wrote:

There have been plenty of times when I've been blue-balling and had a girl open a door for me, and I didn't exactly whip it out and splooge on her face because of it.

 


Posted on: January 29, 2008 - 2:15am #94
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Quote: But of course, I am

Quote:
But of course, I am speaking in a language alien to these people...logic. For all that my interlocutor may have understood what I wrote above, I might as well have asked the same question in Mandarin Chinese, and so I will: Ni de yuenyin you zhe ge xinyang shi shen me?

LMAO.

shi shiye 

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Posted on: January 29, 2008 - 2:24am #95
deludedgod
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Quote: shi

Quote:

shi shiye

Depending on the shengdiao (tones), the phrase "shi shiye" can mean several things:

Is cultured, educated, (or a cultural undertaking, an educational affair)

An industrialist, an industrial works

A rank-and-file soldier or NCO

A trained professional, a doctor, a lawyer, etc.

An educated person

At least, as I can recall straight off the top of my head. 

"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.

-Me

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Posted on: January 29, 2008 - 2:29am #96
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I thought it meant thanks

I thought it meant thanks for the beef and broccoli.

Transliterating chinese to english has got to be like explaining microbiology to theists. 

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Posted on: January 29, 2008 - 2:35am #97
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    Quote: Transliterati

 

 

Quote:

Transliterating chinese to english has got to be like explaining microbiology to theists. 

The sentence you tried to transliterate would literally read:

Xie xie ni gei wo nurou he yinghuaqiuhuayecai

Actually, Chinese has a very similar sentence structure to English, with a fairly even split, like English, between SVO and SOV. However, transliteration does not work very well in any language...particularly one which is not Roman. Added to that, my apologies, but it must be said, your spelling of the pinyin (Romanized Chinese characters) is atrocious. I understand now that when you said shi shi, you meant thank you, which is xie xie. But since Mandarin is monosyllabic, it would have been impossible for me to decipher it otherwise.

"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.

-Me

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Posted on: January 29, 2008 - 2:47am #98
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Fuck it. lol. You're too

Fuck it. lol. You're too much, Dg.

I still have Section 1 part iii to read. lol.

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Posted on: January 29, 2008 - 8:10am #99
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The Following is an Essay

The Following is from an essay written by Lenny Flank in MARCH
of 2006. His essay describes the history of the "creation science" movements. The following is a reference to an Arkansas trial in which the YECs tried to push "Creation science" into public schools.

------------------------------------------------------

Quote:
"Not all of the young-earth creationists are scientists. One of the
creationist witnesses at the Arkansas trial was Dr. Norman Geisler, a
fundamentalist theologian at the Dallas Theological Seminary.
During his pre-trial deposition, Geisler was asked if he believed in a
real Devil. Yes, he replied, he did, and cited some Biblical verses as
confirmation. The conversation then went:

"Q. Are there, sir, any other evidences for that belief besides certain
passages of Scripture?

GEISLER: Oh, yes. I have known personally at least 12 persons who
were clearly possessed by the Devil. And then there are the UFOs.

Q. The UFOs? Why are they relevant to the existence of the Devil?

GEISLER: Well, you see, they represent the Devil's major, in fact, final
attack on the earth.

Q. Oh. And sir, may I ask how you know, as you seem to know, that
there are UFOs?

GEISLER: I read it in the Readers Digest." (Trial Transcript, US
District Court, McLean v Arizona, 1981, cited in Gilkey, 1985, p. 76)

 

All Hail Reader's Digest!


Posted on: February 2, 2008 - 12:37pm #100
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Wasn't from this site but

Wasn't from this site but made me laugh my ass off. Was part of a post arguing against the existance of God.

"Please - God's mom was a hooker and his dad was a pimp. No wait - that was jesus.

ROTF

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