Atheists let their hair down too....Jokes thread.

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Atheists let their hair down too....Jokes thread.

This thread is for cornball jokes. I'll start.

1. What location in America is the worst for bills?

Answer: Billings Montana!

2. What does an atheist shout during sex?

Answer: "Oh nothing!"

3. If you roll a jar of grape jelly down the hall does that make it a jelly roll?

4. What do you say to a dog playing craps after he finishes his turn?

Answer: "Roll over".

5. If you get a cut on your forehead, do you put a turniquit arround your neck to stop the bleading?

6. How does a blind seeing eye dog get around?

7. Why cant a road ever win a Super Bowl?

Answer: Because they always get routed.

8. How many beer goggles does it take to screw Ann Coulter?

Answer: Googles

9. How many fundies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: It never gets done because praying for it to happen...well.

10. How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Answer: If you dont know the answer you are not an atheist.

OK FOLKS, I DIDNT SAY THESE JOKES WERE GOOD, BUT THEY ARE FREE, SO DONT BITCH!.......OK BITCH...BUT PLEASE ADD TO THIS THREAD SO I DONT SEEM LIKE THE ONLY SILLY MORON ON THE BOARD!

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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Quote: 3. If you roll a jar

Quote:
3. If you roll a jar of grape jelly down the hall does that make it a jelly roll?
No, but you can get a bunch of jazz musicians together and make jam 

People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.


Brian37
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If you take a rabbit to the

If you take a rabbit to the vet does that make it a hare apointment?

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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Why are men like cars?

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.


Brian37
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A little known fact about

A little known fact about Frank Senatra. He was Jewish.....It's true and he did a song about it too.

"I did it Yahwey" 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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aiia
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heello, iss tthhiss thhee

heello, iss tthhiss thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm.

yes.

ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.


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Patient: Doctor! Doctor!

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!


Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.


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A hamburger walks into the

A hamburger walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hey , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.


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What's the difference

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A. About 20 pounds

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A. About 20 minutes

We must favor verifiable evidence over private feeling. Otherwise we leave ourselves vulnerable to those who would obscure the truth.
~ Richard Dawkins


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A guy walks in a bar with a

A guy walks in a bar with a little lizard sitting on his shoulder.  The bartender says, "Wow, that's a little lizard."  The guy replies, "yeah, he's my newt."


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Two priests walk into a

Two priests walk into a bar.

 

The third one ducks.

 

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin

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Hambydammit wrote: Two

Hambydammit wrote:

Two priests walk into a bar.

 

The third one ducks.

 

I dont get it?....???? 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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Picture this: Priest number

Picture this:

Priest number one:  Walking, walking, bar.... Bonk!

Priest number two:  Walking, walking, bar.... Bonk!

Priest number three, seeing priests numbers one and two... walking, walking... ducks under bar... continues walking.

 

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin

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Judging by the jokes he

Judging by the jokes he posted, i could have guessed Brian wouldn't get yours Hamby. lol In the spirit of dumb jokes though, here's a couple:

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here!" The mushroom replies, "What? I'm a fun guy!"

For the musicians out there:

Q: Why do drummers leave their drum sticks on the dashboard?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces

Lastly, for the sickos (this is one of my favs):

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by dead babies, read no further!

Q: What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and truckload of babies?

A: You can use a pitchfork to unload the babies!

The darkness of godlessness lets wisdom shine.


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Do you know what

Do you know what sucks?

Vacuums

 

Do you know what blows?

Leaf blowers

 

If you laughed I really don't know why...


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Quote: Q: Why do drummers

Quote:

Q: Why do drummers leave their drum sticks on the dashboard?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces

 

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

 

A: Drool. 

Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine


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I always loved this sure to

I always loved this sure to piss off Christians one:

 

What's white and rains from the sky?

The coming of the lord.

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A catholic man got a blow

A catholic man got a blow job from a hooker and was feeling guilty so he went to confession.  While waiting for his turn in the confessional he asked one of the alter boys "What do you think the priest is going to give me for a BJ."  The boy replies "A coke and a snickers bar like everyone else gets!"

We see the world as abstractions our minds create based on the tiny sliver of reality our bodies can detect.  You create your own reality.  The question is, how real is it? 


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If I tell you I have a 50

If I tell you I have a 50 foot penis, would you believe me on faith simply because I told you it would make you feel good?

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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A beer walks into a

A beer walks into a McDonalds and orders a Big Mac

The girl at the count says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer here."

People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.


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An atheist walks into a

An atheist walks into a McDonnalds and asks for a Super Size French Fries. It takes just a little too long and he asks, "What is taking so long?"

The clerk responds, "Have no fear, you will be fried" 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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I would never work for Every

I would never work for EverReady, because that would take a battery of tests.

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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Some more musician

Some more musician jokes:

How do you know when a drummer's knocking on your door?
The knocking keeps getting faster and faster.

How do you get a drummer to stop playing?
Put some sheet music in front of him.

How many guitarist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to do screw it in, and two to say "Pfff, I could do that."


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What do you call a drummer

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

 

An Irishman, Scotsman and an Englishman are lost in the desert.  They stumble across this dirty jar in the sand, and one of them picks it up and rubs it clean, and to their surprise, a Genie pops out and says that he will grant each one a wish.

The Englishman says, "I want to get out of this awful place and back to my home."

The Genie grants his wish. 

The Scotsman says, "I want to get out of this awful place and back to my home."

Again, the Genie grants his wish.

Finally, this Irishman steps up, looks the Genie in the eyes and says, "I want my two friends back." 

I'll be auditioning Gods in my office on monday morning. - Aesop Rock


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Okay, to be fair to

Okay, to be fair to drummers,

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four, one to change it, and three to say they coulda done it better.

 

Q: How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, but he just holds it and waits for the world to spin around him.

(I, btw, am in the latter category, lol)

As for bass players, the answer to the same question would be none, they'll just play in the dark.

The darkness of godlessness lets wisdom shine.


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A giraffe walks into a bar

A giraffe walks into a bar and says to the bartender:

"Bartender... tonight, the highballs are on me."

 

------------------

A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, some kinda joke?"

 

------------------

Did you hear about Dell's new computer for targeting the Amish market?

No buttons.

 

--------------------

And for the mathematicians out there:

What's purple and commutes?

An abelian grape! 

 

(Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week!)

-Triften 


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hellfiend666 wrote: Okay,

hellfiend666 wrote:
Okay, to be fair to drummers...

Never! *stops up ears*

Now that triften has broken the ice with math jokes:

Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
Because he left a residue at every pole.

And my favorite limerick:

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.


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MrRage wrote: hellfiend666

MrRage wrote:
hellfiend666 wrote:
Okay, to be fair to drummers...
Never! *stops up ears*

 What do you call the guy that hangs out with the band?

The drummer.

 


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Why did Micky Mouse dump

Why did Micky Mouse dump Minni?

Because Minni was fucking Goofy. 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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Did you know that Rush

Did you know that Rush Limbaugh has a favorite song from a musical?

YEP......here are some lyrics...

"The pills are alive with the sounds of adiction" 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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An Irishman was giving a

An Irishman was giving a toast at his favorite pub. He says "here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife." When he gets home, his wife asks what he said for a toast - he tells her "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife." A few days later she runs into one of his buddies who tells her how great his toast was. She says "I don't know why he even gave it. He's only been there 3 times in the last year, and the last time I had to drag him by the ear to get him to come!" Laughing out loud

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Here's a GREAT one for you

Here's a GREAT one for you guys!!!

 

Q:  What's the difference batween a pimple and a priest?

 

A:   At least a pimple waits untill puberty to come on your face.

The darkness of godlessness lets wisdom shine.


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Jesus and Moses are

Jesus and Moses are strolling down a beach.

Jesus asks Moses if he still has it.

Moses says, "Hmmmm, let me try"

Moses raises his hand a parts the ocean for as far as the eye can see.

Moses says, "What about you, JC, you still have it?"

Jesus shrugs and walks onto the surface of water but quickly sinks.

He tries again, but no dice. He keeps sinking.

Moses is embarrassed, and tell Jesus not to sweat it.

Jesus tires once more, then said, "Fuck me, I forgot last time I didn't have these holes in my feet."


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What happened when Jesus

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye kicked the shit out of him.