An atheist and a bear joke
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
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A man was walking down a road when he came upon a stream. There was a bhuddist monk, thrashing about in the water, on the verge of drowning. THinking quickly, he took a branch from a tree, reached it out to the monk and saved his life. The monk was so greatful that he bestwoed a charm of protection on th eman. If he was ever in dire trouble, all he had to due was cry our "Bhudda, Bhudda, Bhudda" and rescue would come.
Later, the man was walking through a mountain pass over a very narrow and treacherous trail. He had the misfortune to stumble and fall, pitching head first over a cliff into a deep chasm. Facing certain death, he recalled what the monk said and cried out "Bhudda, Bhudda, Bhudda". The final word had barely left his mouth when two giant hands appeared from the sky and gently caught him. The man gasped and took a deep breath, and cried "Thank you Jesus!". Where upon there was a deep grumbling "Harummph" from the sky. The hands opend up and the man continued on his way down.
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A similar one -
A man was taking lessons for skydiving. He asked the instructor what to do if the parachute doesn't open. The instructor tells him to open the reserve chute. "But what if it doesn't open?" "Then you pray to Allah." "But I'm a Christian," Protests the student. The instructor tells him "Doesn't matter. You pray to Allah. So he's taking his first jump and he pulls the cord. Nothing. He pulls the reserve chute - still nothing! Remembering the instruction, he prays to Allah. A big black hand comes out of the sky, picks him up and sets him on the ground. He says "Thank you Jesus." A big black foot appears on the sky and starts to step on him...
Matt Shizzle has been banned from the Rational Response Squad website. This event shall provide an atmosphere more conducive to social growth. - Majority of the mod team
Jesus, Mohammid, Moses, and Socrates all walk into a bar. Jesus said "Forgive me", Mohammid said "Curse you vile bar!" Moses said "OYE!", and Socrates said, "If the bar walked into you would you react the same way?"
" Why does God always got such wacky shit to say? . . . When was the last time you heard somebody say 'look God told me to get a muffin and a cup tea and cool out man'?" - Dov Davidoff