Mormons keep a database of random people and baptize at will!

pariahjane
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Mormons keep a database of random people and baptize at will!

I have a friend who loves to get me riled up on various topics, and since religion probably gets me the most riled up, that's one of her favorites. She sends me an email today with this:

on an entirely non-cute-denim-skirt related topic, mike rex told me last night that the mormons keep a HUGE electronic database of information on random people that they then baptize by proxy without their knowledge (i will take my chances that telling you this will not make your head explode or incite a one-atheist riot, but i know the possibility is there...).

I thought this was completely silly and told her so. And then I googled it and found out she was kind of right!

http://www.rickross.com/reference/mormon/mormon301.html http://www.jewishgen.org/InfoFiles/ldsagree.html

Has anyone else ever heard of this? I thought it was kind of funny that they apparenlty can't get enough living followers so they have to convert them when they are dead!

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too bizarre for words... 

too bizarre for words...  My living will must now have the stipulation "And no Mormon's baptising me at ANY time."

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pariahjane
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Apparently there is actually

Apparently there is actually a 'do not baptize' list you can sign up for, which makes this even funnier to me.  It's like the Mormons are telemarketers and you have to put your name on the 'do not call' list.  I tried looking for the 'do not baptize' list but haven't located it  yet. 

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So if I were go stick my

So if I were go stick my finger in my ear and hop on my left foot while singing cats in the cradle and thinking of you, how would that affect you?  Would it?

... so how does them doing their silly "ritual"/song and dance while thinking of you affect you?  It doesn't, they're both as useless as eachother.  

 

Now that I've thought about it a little, it does affect me in a way if they were to do it with me in mind.  It'd affect me by giving me amusement (if I ever found out). 

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So they are digging up

So they are digging up rotting corpses and immersing them in water? Seems to me that there are significant logistical problems. One of the biggest being that rotting corpses tend to fall apart. Even more so in water.

Cremation looks better and better....

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Baptising corpses and

Baptising corpses and people who aren't even aware they're being baptised sounds like they have alternate ways that do not require the person to be there, or even in the same country.

There ist no escape from zeir silly dance! 

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deludedgod
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Has anyone else ever heard

Has anyone else ever heard of this? I thought it was kind of funny that they apparenlty can't get enough living followers so they have to convert them when they are dead!

Heard of it. Spent a summer in Utah mountain biking across the Moab desert, and while in Salt Lake I learned somewhat about Mormonism. This is quite true and quite absurd. When handling stastics about "number of Mormons worldwide" you must be careful for precisely this reason, after all they do it to swell their numbers. For instance, did you know that Hitler has been baptised?

Another amusing fact about the Mormon church (the LDS) is that they used to barr blacks from positions in the clergy, until Ford threatened to revoke their tax exempt status.

So in the 70s, in a miraculous event that was NOT a coincidence so they could scam more money from the government (preposterous!) they had a "revelation from Joseph Smith" that accepting blacks into the clergy was acceptable.

I could not make this up if I tried, it's too good. I assure you this is true.

Also, another true event (this is ever so slightly harder to take seriously, but bear with me) traditionally in the LDS, stimulants, even mild ones like tea, coke and coffee were banned. But it was sooo tempting that they prayed really REALLY hard and finally, they had another revelation from their long deceased prophet that drinking mild stimulants was OK

The truth, of course, was entirely less romantic. In reality, influential Mormons just got together and decided one day "you know what, fuck you buddy, we're drinking our milk coffee"!

"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.

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It shouldn't worry y'all too

It shouldn't worry y'all too much. It isn't like by them doing it you're miraculously going to actually be converted.  


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deludedgod wrote: Also,

deludedgod wrote:

Also, another true event (this is ever so slightly harder to take seriously, but bear with me) traditionally in the LDS, stimulants, even mild ones like tea, coke and coffee were banned. But it was sooo tempting that they prayed really REALLY hard and finally, they had another revelation from their long deceased prophet that drinking mild stimulants was OK

The truth, of course, was entirely less romantic. In reality, influential Mormons just got together and decided one day "you know what, fuck you buddy, we're drinking our milk coffee"!

I heard it had something to do with the fact that one of the mormon higher-up's children married into the Coca-Cola family.  Hence, money to be inherited and jobs to be had. 

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I heard it had something to

I heard it had something to do with the fact that one of the mormon higher-up's children married into the Coca-Cola family.  Hence, money to be inherited and jobs to be had.

But they couldnt admit that could they? So they had a revelation. Who knows, maybe in a few years they'll have another revelation that hallucinogens are OK, and then instead of being the uptights for which they are renowned, the Mormons will become a group of long haired hippies staring at swirling masses of flourescent color 

"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.

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HOLY SHIT! THEY ARE DOING

HOLY SHIT!

THEY ARE DOING NOTHING TO NOBODY!

Well, directly, I can see this as a complete spit in the face of those who care. I say we get some satanists to baptise some of their ranks. Heay, lets ask them to do the living ones too! Because you see, it has been revealed by personal revelation to me that their true inner soul wants to be satanic and homosexual, but the lies of the deceiver god has corrupted the acts and words of their host body to make it mormon.....

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I understand they even tried

I understand they even tried to baptize Anne Frank and Albert Einstein.  I'm sorry but I thought this was one the most bizzare but funny things I've heard of religious people doing in awhile. 

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I propose we do something

I propose we do something until they stop doing this shit - start pouring bottles of marinara on Mormon graves - thereby baptising them in the name of the FSM!

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My body is going to be

My body is going to be spare parts/a science project so they can't get the whole thing Sticking out tongue

Plus if they try I'll sue them from beyond the grave and donate the money to secular causes. Yes I'm writing it in my will damn it.


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Vastet wrote: So they are

Vastet wrote:
So they are digging up rotting corpses and immersing them in water? Seems to me that there are significant logistical problems. One of the biggest being that rotting corpses tend to fall apart. Even more so in water. Cremation looks better and better....

 Could not agree more!  The doctors can remove any parts that still appear to be useful and incinerate the rest.  I've already told my children that if they plan to keep my ashes they should use them in the litter box.


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One thing I know My wife and

One thing I know My wife and I need to put in our will is that we do not want to be baptized in to the mormon faith after death (her brther is a mormon and has already baptized every one else in the family tree who has died) its a load of bull shit if you ask me. fucking freaks.


Jacob Cordingley
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That sounds like a good

That sounds like a good plan. You might want to put other things about various other religions too, just in case.


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Vastet wrote: So they are

Vastet wrote:
So they are digging up rotting corpses and immersing them in water?

No. They baptize by proxy. Living church members are baptized in the name of others. If I recall correctly, they have a pool of stock names which they use and reuse for this process in addition to real names.

Mormons do so may crazy things it doesn't seem like this is any more worth caring about. They also wear special underwear, and have special handshakes to enter their temples. Mostly, they keep this stuff to themselves.

It's only the fairy tales they believe.