You've asked for it! You've waited for it! It's Here! The SAHCV of the Bible!
In honor of the Christians who do not believe the Bible to be literally true in all cases, most notably the creation story, Noah and the ark, the universe stopping so that Joshua could kill more people before the sun went down, and various other scientific implausibilities, I hereby submit my latest literary masterpiece. Christianity Lite, in a handy, tract-sized version, suitable for passing out at slumber parties.
Without further ado:
The Skeptics Annotated Hambydammit Condensed Version (SAHCV):
Once upon a time, there was a being who knew everything that could ever be known, and could do anything at all. One day, he decided to create the universe, so he did. He created it so that one day, his finest creation, man, would be on the planet. How he created it, and how man got there, are a matter of some debate.
What is not in debate is that god made man with a sinful nature, and man was very good at sinning. So, god waited several thousand years, until man had invented lots of religions that weren't true, and then gave them a book that sounded a lot like every other book that had been written about god, except for one thing. This book, called the Bible, was true.
Well, it was true, except that it had a lot of metaphors, and there were actually quite a lot of scientific inaccuracies, inconsistencies, and downright disagreement between the books, all of which had dubious authorship, and were compiled, according to the perfect will of god, by several men, about four hundred years after a very important event.
The important event was that god sent himself, in the form of a man named Jesus, to earth to preach a message that sounded a lot like the other messages that preachers had been preaching before Jesus, except for one important thing. That important thing was this: Jesus really WAS God, and this time, the book really was the correct book to read if you wanted to learn how to get to heaven.
Heaven is a neat place where people who believe that Jesus is the correct god to believe in go when they die. They forget everything that might make them sad, and are happy for ever and ever.
Hell is a very nasty place where people who don't believe that Jesus is the correct god to believe in go when they die. They never get a do-over, because god is all loving and powerful.
Actually, there is one other very important thing. The Jews killed Jesus in a very nasty way. Jesus was god, though, so he came back from the dead, and talked to a few people before flying up into heaven. He did this for two very important reason. First, it was getting to be very bloody killing bulls, and rams, and goats, and lemurs, and ocelots, and badgers, and ducks, and various cloven beasts of the fields so that god wouldn't be mad any more. So, because God came to earth and got killed, he no longer wanted people to kill animals so that he wouldn't be angry any more. Second, since Jesus, who was the same as god, died, but then didn't die, it meant that god, who can do anything he wants, could let people get into heaven, where they will live forever, because Jesus, who was god, made himself into a surrogate goat by getting nailed to a piece of wood and bleeding to death.
It's important that you believe this, because if you don't, you'll go to hell.