And You Don't Think This is a Myth?

Hambydammit
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And You Don't Think This is a Myth?

I wrote this for a separate topic, but it's so wonderfully concise, I have to repost it for further comment.

This, guys and gals, is what Christians believe. This is the story of the bible in an extremely condensed version.

All I want to know is, why wouldn't I believe this is a myth?

 

Without further ado, the Hambydammit Condensed Version (HCV) of the bible:

Once upon a time, an invisible being named God, who can do anything he wants, and who knows absolutely everything there is to know, including everything that will ever happen anywhere in the universe, decided to make the universe.

God made the entire universe in six days. He made one special planet, called earth, and on it, he made a magical garden. Into the magical garden, he put two people, a man and a woman. He also made a magical tree, called the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. He told the man and woman not to eat from that tree, but they did after listening to a talking snake who told them they ought to eat it.

To punish the two people, God kicked them out of the magical garden, and made the woman's vagina hurt very badly when she had children. The man was forced to work. Also, he punished them by taking away their immortality, so that they would die one day. What's more, God was so mad at the man and woman that he punished not only them, but everybody who's ever been born since in exactly the same way!

Since god knew all of that was going to happen before it happened, he also knew the rest of his plan, which goes something like this:

First, he got really mad at everybody on the planet, so he killed them all by flooding the entire planet, and only saving one family.

Then, when people were still naughty, he sent Jesus, who is the same as God, down to earth to tell people that if they only believe that he is god, they won't go to hell.  The people killed Jesus, but that was all part of the plan.  Jesus came back to life and then disappeared into heaven.  God did this because he knew that he needed to sacrifice Jesus to himself so that people wouldn't have to kill goats anymore.

Hell is a very nasty place where people who don't believe in Jesus when they die are tortured forever and ever.

After a long time, Jesus is going to come back to earth and destroy the earth, but not before torturing the people on earth for seven years. After that, everyone who believed in Jesus will live happily ever after, and those that didn't will burn in hell for ever and ever.

Amen.

 

 

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin

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American Atheist
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I like the Hambydammit

I like the Hambydammit Condensed Version of the Bible. It's not hundreds of pages long and it's not heavy to carry around.

Now I'm just going to sit back and read the replies.  Cool


Hambydammit
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bump  

bump

 

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin

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American Atheist
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Before you know it, the

Before you know it, the theists will start a "Skeptic's Annotated Hambydammit Condensed Bible".

Here's another bump and I'm out.


Hambydammit
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bump  

bump

 

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin

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I reckon you should make a

I reckon you should make a version that swaps the Christian trademarks (Jesus, God, Hell etc...) for other names and turn it into a "This is what Christianity looks like to us"

I'd be interested in seeing the responses.
Incidently, I've yet to hear a Christian's response to "kissing Hank's ass"... 


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Here's a slightly different

Here's a slightly different summary.

Once upon a time there was a perfect being called God that created some immortal beings called "angels", but they were made slightly imperfect and 1/3 of them rebelled. God imprisioned them but they quickly escaped. Not wanting to make the same mistake, God made some new imperfect mortal creatures he called man. Man quickly disobeyed God so he kicked them out of his theme park "The Garden of Eden" and made man's life difficult. Pretty soon man began to rebell again so God killed all of them except for one family. God sent his son (who was also God) to man, but man killed him. God's son told his followers that he was going to prepare a place for them and that he would return for them before all of them had died. They all died waiting.

Can't God do anything right?

 

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. - Seneca


caseagainstfaith
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Here's an even shorter

Here's an even shorter version I heard:

 

For God so loved the world, He sent His only begotten Son to His people so that His people would kill His Son in order to save His people from His own wrath at His own mistakes.

 

Or, EVEN SHORTER:

 God sacrificed Himself to Himself in order to save His people from Himself.

 


jmm
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Or, even shorter: God must

Or, even shorter:

God must see himself in you before he can love you - ergo, God will never love you; he is only capable of loving himself. 

But seriously though, everyone knows that Genesis is a creation myth.  I think the whole "literal interpretation" scene is fading fast. 


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Um, perhaps not? Being in

Um, perhaps not?

Being in Australia, I might have got this statistic wrong, but I think I heard that 49% of Americans are fundamentalist Christian, meaning they believe everything in the bible literally.

Wouldn't that be a pretty good suggestion that the literal interpretation scene isn't fading as fast as you suggest?

Subvert the Dominant Paradigm...


caseagainstfaith
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Pragmatic Pat wrote: Um,

Pragmatic Pat wrote:
Um, perhaps not? Being in Australia, I might have got this statistic wrong, but I think I heard that 49% of Americans are fundamentalist Christian, meaning they believe everything in the bible literally. Wouldn't that be a pretty good suggestion that the literal interpretation scene isn't fading as fast as you suggest?

 

Last statistics I heard are similar to that.  And that while liberal Christianity is in decline, fundamentalist Christianity is on the rise.  Though I suspect that a fair number of people that say they believe everything in the Bible, if you pressed them, would admit, "okay, well, maybe not everything..."  Still, your basic point I believe is correct.  Unfortunately. 


Hambydammit
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For jmm, The Skeptics

For jmm,

The Skeptics Annotated Hambydammit Condensed Version (SAHCV):

Once upon a time, there was a being who knew everything that could ever be known, and could do anything at all. One day, he decided to create the universe, so he did. He created it so that one day, his finest creation, man, would be on the planet. How he created it, and how man got there, are a matter of some debate.

What is not in debate is that god made man with a sinful nature, and man was very good at sinning. So, god waited several thousand years, until man had invented lots of religions that weren't true, and then gave them a book that sounded a lot like every other book that had been written about god, except for one thing. This book, called the Bible, was true.

Well, it was true, except that it had a lot of metaphors, and there were actually quite a lot of scientific inaccuracies, inconsistencies, and downright disagreement between the books, all of which had dubious authorship, and were compiled, according to the perfect will of god, by several men, about four hundred years after a very important event.

The important event was that god sent himself, in the form of a man named Jesus, to earth to preach a message that sounded a lot like the other messages that preachers had been preaching before Jesus, except for one important thing. That important thing was this: Jesus really WAS God, and this time, the book really was the correct book to read if you wanted to learn how to get to heaven.

Heaven is a neat place where people who believe that Jesus is the correct god to believe in go when they die. They forget everything that might make them sad, and are happy for ever and ever.

Hell is a very nasty place where people who don't believe that Jesus is the correct god to believe in go when they die. They never get a do-over, because god is all loving and powerful.

Actually, there is one other very important thing. The Jews killed Jesus in a very nasty way. Jesus was god, though, so he came back from the dead, and talked to a few people before flying up into heaven. He did this for two very important reason. First, it was getting to be very bloody killing bulls, and rams, and goats, and lemurs, and ocelots, and badgers, and ducks, and various cloven beasts of the fields so that god wouldn't be mad any more. So, because God came to earth and got killed, he no longer wanted people to kill animals so that he wouldn't be angry any more. Second, since Jesus, who was the same as god, died, but then didn't die, it meant that god, who can do anything he wants, could let people get into heaven, where they will live forever, because Jesus, who was god, made himself into a surrogate goat by getting nailed to a piece of wood and bleeding to death.

It's important that you believe this, because if you don't, you'll go to hell.

Amen.

 

Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin

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jmm
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Hambydammit wrote: For

Hambydammit wrote:

For jmm,

The Skeptics Annotated Hambydammit Condensed Version (SAHCV):

Once upon a time, there was a being who knew everything that could ever be known, and could do anything at all. One day, he decided to create the universe, so he did. He created it so that one day, his finest creation, man, would be on the planet. How he created it, and how man got there, are a matter of some debate.

What is not in debate is that god made man with a sinful nature, and man was very good at sinning. So, god waited several thousand years, until man had invented lots of religions that weren't true, and then gave them a book that sounded a lot like every other book that had been written about god, except for one thing. This book, called the Bible, was true.

Well, it was true, except that it had a lot of metaphors, and there were actually quite a lot of scientific inaccuracies, inconsistencies, and downright disagreement between the books, all of which had dubious authorship, and were compiled, according to the perfect will of god, by several men, about four hundred years after a very important event.

The important event was that god sent himself, in the form of a man named Jesus, to earth to preach a message that sounded a lot like the other messages that preachers had been preaching before Jesus, except for one important thing. That important thing was this: Jesus really WAS God, and this time, the book really was the correct book to read if you wanted to learn how to get to heaven.

Heaven is a neat place where people who believe that Jesus is the correct god to believe in go when they die. They forget everything that might make them sad, and are happy for ever and ever.

Hell is a very nasty place where people who don't believe that Jesus is the correct god to believe in go when they die. They never get a do-over, because god is all loving and powerful.

Actually, there is one other very important thing. The Jews killed Jesus in a very nasty way. Jesus was god, though, so he came back from the dead, and talked to a few people before flying up into heaven. He did this for two very important reason. First, it was getting to be very bloody killing bulls, and rams, and goats, and lemurs, and ocelots, and badgers, and ducks, and various cloven beasts of the fields so that god wouldn't be mad any more. So, because God came to earth and got killed, he no longer wanted people to kill animals so that he wouldn't be angry any more. Second, since Jesus, who was the same as god, died, but then didn't die, it meant that god, who can do anything he wants, could let people get into heaven, where they will live forever, because Jesus, who was god, made himself into a surrogate goat by getting nailed to a piece of wood and bleeding to death.

It's important that you believe this, because if you don't, you'll go to hell.

Amen.

 

Cool


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Hamby, you break me up. I

Hamby, you break me up. I would like to pre-order The Skeptics Annotated Hambydammit Condensed Version (SAHCV) in hardback, please.

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Iruka Naminori
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Pragmatic Pat wrote:

Pragmatic Pat wrote:
Um, perhaps not? Being in Australia, I might have got this statistic wrong, but I think I heard that 49% of Americans are fundamentalist Christian, meaning they believe everything in the bible literally. Wouldn't that be a pretty good suggestion that the literal interpretation scene isn't fading as fast as you suggest?

Fundamentalist Christians who believe the bible is literal are the norm where I live. I'd say at least half of the people in my county are fundies. When I was little, the numbers were even higher, but those dadgum Bay Area folk started moving in and messin' up the place. One fundy family I know just moved to Texas...wasn't fundy enough for 'em here anymore, I reckon. Smiling

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