kissing hanks ass (funny)

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This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.


MattShizzle
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kissing hanks ass (funny)

That so sounds like the theists! Is that where "thank Hank" came from?


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Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. - Seneca


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Randalllord, dude, big avatar. o.o;


Nick
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This is quite possibly one of the funniest stories I've read to date. I already posted it on a bunch of bulletins on Myspace. Sticking out tongue

Wilson: "We were afraid that if you found out you solved a case with absolutely no medical evidence you'd think you were God." House: "God doesn't limp."


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I handed these out door to door once upon a time Laughing out loud


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HealingBlight wrote:
Randalllord, dude, big avatar. o.o;

Not sure why that happens. I have a limit set on avatar size, the phpbb shouldn't allow that. I think the limit is about 150x150.

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nice...I read this years ago. To see it on video, tho poorly produced, is entertaining indeed.


KingDavid8
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So...the author of this piece is under the impression that we Christians believe that salvation comes from praising God?

Someone needs to inform him that we believe salvation comes through repenting of our sins and accepting Jesus as our savior, and that we praise God because we're thankful for salvation (and other things He's done for us), not that we believe salvation comes from praise.

David


Nick
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"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

And this particular story is talking about Jehovah's Witnesses, and how they travel door to door.

Wilson: "We were afraid that if you found out you solved a case with absolutely no medical evidence you'd think you were God." House: "God doesn't limp."


KingDavid8
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Nick_Poling wrote:
"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

How do you figure that? Is accepting a gift from someone the equivalent of kissing their ass?

David


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KingDavid8 wrote:
Nick_Poling wrote:
"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

How do you figure that? Is accepting a gift from someone the equivalent of kissing their ass?

David

Yes, when that gift is given under the pretence of "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity". Not to mention the fact that the only reason the gift was offered was because the giver needed to rectify his own mistakes.

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world. - Richard Dawkins

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Yellow_Number_Five wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:
Nick_Poling wrote:
"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

How do you figure that? Is accepting a gift from someone the equivalent of kissing their ass?

David

Yes, when that gift is given under the pretence of "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity". Not to mention the fact that the only reason the gift was offered was because the giver needed to rectify his own mistakes.

But Mike the giver doesn't make any mistakes. It's not our job to question the giver, we just kiss his ass. You can't know if the giver made mistakes or not, and really it's unimportant, as long as you accept the giver and what he's given you.

- Brian Sapient


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Yellow_Number_Five
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You're right, sapient.

A battered wife should trust her husband. After all, when she shuts the fuck up and does as she's told, she gets foot rubs and chocolate, instead of the shit beaten out of her.

It all makes sense now.

Thanks, brother, you'll understand that I have to resign from the show now, of course.

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world. - Richard Dawkins

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KingDavid8
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Yellow_Number_Five wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:
Nick_Poling wrote:
"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

How do you figure that? Is accepting a gift from someone the equivalent of kissing their ass?

David

Yes, when that gift is given under the pretence of "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity". Not to mention the fact that the only reason the gift was offered was because the giver needed to rectify his own mistakes.

Since Christians believe neither of the above, then, again, this piece doesn't adequately represent Christian beliefs.

Look, I have no problem with non-believers not believing. But when non-believers purposely twist Christian beliefs in an attempt to get OTHER people not to believe, then, yes, I have a problem.

David


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KingDavid8 wrote:

Look, I have no problem with non-believers not believing. But when non-believers purposely twist Christian beliefs in an attempt to get OTHER people not to believe, then, yes, I have a problem.

David

We are not attempting to get other people not to believe, we are attempting to show christians how rediculous their religion is Smiling because it really is hey...


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KingDavid8 wrote:
Yellow_Number_Five wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:
Nick_Poling wrote:
"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

How do you figure that? Is accepting a gift from someone the equivalent of kissing their ass?

David

Yes, when that gift is given under the pretence of "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity". Not to mention the fact that the only reason the gift was offered was because the giver needed to rectify his own mistakes.

Since Christians believe neither of the above, then, again, this piece doesn't adequately represent Christian beliefs.

Look, I have no problem with non-believers not believing. But when non-believers purposely twist Christian beliefs in an attempt to get OTHER people not to believe, then, yes, I have a problem.

David


Actually, that's fairly representative of at least SOME christians. Christianity is a WIDE range of beliefs, so don't get uppity if we get confused as to what, specifically, you mean. Please let us know how this is NOT representative of your particular sect.


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jester700 wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:

Look, I have no problem with non-believers not believing. But when non-believers purposely twist Christian beliefs in an attempt to get OTHER people not to believe, then, yes, I have a problem.

David


Actually, that's fairly representative of at least SOME christians.

Exactly. If you want to show us otherwise KingDavid, please feel free to tell us how YOUR particular beliefs differ from many other Christians.

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KingDavid8
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jester700 wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:
Yellow_Number_Five wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:
Nick_Poling wrote:
"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

How do you figure that? Is accepting a gift from someone the equivalent of kissing their ass?

David

Yes, when that gift is given under the pretence of "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity". Not to mention the fact that the only reason the gift was offered was because the giver needed to rectify his own mistakes.

Since Christians believe neither of the above, then, again, this piece doesn't adequately represent Christian beliefs.

Look, I have no problem with non-believers not believing. But when non-believers purposely twist Christian beliefs in an attempt to get OTHER people not to believe, then, yes, I have a problem.

David


Actually, that's fairly representative of at least SOME christians. Christianity is a WIDE range of beliefs, so don't get uppity if we get confused as to what, specifically, you mean. Please let us know how this is NOT representative of your particular sect.

I certainly do have beliefs that are outside the "Christian mainstream", but a satirical piece has to be representative of some kind of mainstream belief to be effective. I doesn't have to represent 100% of the group, but at least a double-digit percentage is needed, wouldn't you say? If the piece was an attack on "Young Earth Creationism" or the belief that hell is a place of physical torture (neither of which I believe), then I would certainly accept that, while it doesn't apply to me, it applies to enough Christians to be a valid argument against Christianity.

However, I've never met ANY Christian who believes any of the above. If there's a very small minority who believe that salvation comes through thanking God, or that God's message is "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity" or that Jesus was sent to rectify God's own mistakes, then I'd be surprised if you or James Huger (the author of this piece) ever met them.

David


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Quote:
However, I've never met ANY Christian who believes any of the above. If there's a very small minority who believe that salvation comes through thanking God, or that God's message is "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity" or that Jesus was sent to rectify God's own mistakes, then I'd be surprised if you or James Huger (the author of this piece) ever met them.

The Bible says exactly that: "Accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity". Christians who don't believe that, or Christians who don't hate fags or atheists for example, are hypocrites. You cannot pick and choose at the Bible. You can't say this part is the word of God, but I don't like this part so I don't believe it.

What I have a problem with is when you say your book is holy when it obviously hateful and bigoted. You are picking and choosing, that's all. Yes, regardless of whether you accept it or not, your book says it. Sorry.

And, "small percentage?" Please. There are hundreds of thousands of fanatical Christians. I know. They knock on my door all the time. And say exactly that.

Wilson: "We were afraid that if you found out you solved a case with absolutely no medical evidence you'd think you were God." House: "God doesn't limp."


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Nick_Poling wrote:
Quote:
However, I've never met ANY Christian who believes any of the above. If there's a very small minority who believe that salvation comes through thanking God, or that God's message is "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity" or that Jesus was sent to rectify God's own mistakes, then I'd be surprised if you or James Huger (the author of this piece) ever met them.

The Bible says exactly that: "Accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity".

Ummm...chapter and verse, please?

Quote:
Christians who don't believe that, or Christians who don't hate fags or atheists for example, are hypocrites.

No, because the Bible doesn't say to hate homosexuals and atheists. I don't doubt that some Christians do hate them, but these are people who are twisting the Bible for their purposes. I hate neither one, personally. In fact, my brother is a homosexual, and my mom is an atheist, and I love them both.

Quote:
You cannot pick and choose at the Bible. You can't say this part is the word of God, but I don't like this part so I don't believe it.

No, but you can say that a certain part is hyperbole or poetry or parable or applied only to a specific group or individual, since certain parts clearly are hyperbole or poetry or parable or applied only to a specific group or individual.

Quote:

What I have a problem with is when you say your book is holy when it obviously hateful and bigoted.

It's only "obviously hateful and bigoted" to those who are making a willful attempt to misunderstand it.

Quote:
You are picking and choosing, that's all. Yes, regardless of whether you accept it or not, your book says it. Sorry.

Says what?

Quote:

And, "small percentage?" Please. There are hundreds of thousands of fanatical Christians. I know. They knock on my door all the time. And say exactly that.

Exactly that? Really? Are you sure you're not paraphrasing? They really say "accept it or God will torture you for all fucking eternity" and that God sent Jesus to rectify His own mistakes and that you become saved by thanking God for salvation? I'm sorry, but I find that VERY hard to believe.

David


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KingDavid8 wrote:
Yellow_Number_Five wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:
Nick_Poling wrote:
"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

How do you figure that? Is accepting a gift from someone the equivalent of kissing their ass?

David

Yes, when that gift is given under the pretence of "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity". Not to mention the fact that the only reason the gift was offered was because the giver needed to rectify his own mistakes.

Since Christians believe neither of the above, then, again, this piece doesn't adequately represent Christian beliefs.

Since when DON'T Christians believe one MUST accept Jesus as their Savior in order to avoid hell?

Since when has the warning in Mark 3:28-29 not been serious?

The Bible CLEARLY states that we are ALL sinners and ALL destined for hell, unless we come to Christ.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

You aren't saved by deeds or works.

But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away. (Isaiah 64:6) You could also see Ephesians 2:8-9.

Only Christ can save you.

"I am the way the truth and the life; NO MAN cometh unto the Father BUT BY ME." -- Jesus Christ (John 14:6)

So, like I said, accept the gift, or be tortured for eternity.

As an Apostate, I think this is an excellent representation of Christianity. You may not agree, and you may burn for that as well Eye-wink

Quote:
Look, I have no problem with non-believers not believing. But when non-believers purposely twist Christian beliefs in an attempt to get OTHER people not to believe, then, yes, I have a problem.

David

I haven't purposely twisted anything. The view is in accordance to the Bible.

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world. - Richard Dawkins

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KingDavid8
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Yellow_Number_Five wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:
Yellow_Number_Five wrote:
KingDavid8 wrote:
Nick_Poling wrote:
"Accepting Jesus Christ as your savior" is kissing his ass.

How do you figure that? Is accepting a gift from someone the equivalent of kissing their ass?

David

Yes, when that gift is given under the pretence of "accept it without question or I'll torture you for all fucking eternity". Not to mention the fact that the only reason the gift was offered was because the giver needed to rectify his own mistakes.

Since Christians believe neither of the above, then, again, this piece doesn't adequately represent Christian beliefs.

Since when DON'T Christians believe one MUST accept Jesus as their Savior in order to avoid hell?

They do, but they're not told to accept it "without question". We are allowed to ask questions before deciding whether or not to accept Jesus as your savior. The church even encourages people to ask questions (at least the one I go to). If we aren't, then I'm in big trouble, because I asked questions for YEARS before coming to Jesus.

Quote:

As an Apostate, I think this is an excellent representation of Christianity. You may not agree, and you may burn for that as well Eye-wink

Then you must think that I, and other believers who asked questions first, aren't saved. And there's nothing in the Bible saying that.

Quote:

Quote:
Look, I have no problem with non-believers not believing. But when non-believers purposely twist Christian beliefs in an attempt to get OTHER people not to believe, then, yes, I have a problem.

David

I haven't purposely twisted anything. The view is in accordance to the Bible.

No, it's not. There's nothing about accepting Jesus "without question".

David

ETA: I should also state again that I don't believe in the "torture you for all fucking eternity" part, but since that is a part of mainstream belief, I'm not going to argue against it here. Just clarifying my own position.


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sorry don't mean to barge in.

when I was told about Gideon in the book of judges I learned that it was ok to question God and the Faith.

"God didn't send us a doctrine to learn, or a religion to live, or a philosophy to debate. He sent us a brother to love, a madman to trust, a servant to serve, and a mystery to embrace." ~Steven James, STORY


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JS wrote:
There's nothing about accepting Jesus "without question".

Well, that does depend on the interpretation of Matt 3:29, I guess.

For the sake of argument, I will rephrase what I said as, "Accept this gift or be tortured for all eternity".

Does that really sound much better to you?

Quote:
ETA: I should also state again that I don't believe in the "torture you for all fucking eternity" part, but since that is a part of mainstream belief, I'm not going to argue against it here. Just clarifying my own position.

Fair enough, rationalize away.

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world. - Richard Dawkins

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Yellow_Number_Five wrote:
JS wrote:
There's nothing about accepting Jesus "without question".

Well, that does depend on the interpretation of Matt 3:29, I guess.

For the sake of argument, I will rephrase what I said as, "Accept this gift or be tortured for all eternity".

Does that really sound much better to you?

It's at least an honest representation of what many Christians believe, so, yes.

David