What I am about witch will nevr change!
Well praise Jesus for this opportunity to preach to the heathens right here in this Christian nation! I am indeed the Reverend Jebediah Philemon Oglethorpe (birth in Pewkatuxie Alabama, attended LU, graduated in '94 now pastor of True Faithly Gospel Salvation Station Church in Round O South Carolina, a small faithly church of about 14,000) and it's good to be hear with you today! Let me explane what im about: first of all, I am a Christian. I beleev in only one invisibl frend who craves my sycophantic credalistic adulatory mumblings, witch I faithfully deliver, refusing to question or RATIONALIZE since that would leed me to SATANISTIC ATHIESTISM! I now that god has competition: the devil, who refused to worship god and tried to be god! I now that Adam and Eve brought sin crashing down upon all humanity and that we are indeed sorry worthless sinners who may only be saved by the grace of god as long as we beleev that a first-century-CE-Caucasian-looking-Jewishtic was gods' son and dyed and reserected so that we coud go to a magical city in the sky and keep carrying on worshipping god and supporting the Republican party for eternity!
So if your not a Christian, I have to warn you in all Christian love that you are SATANISTIC and hell bound (Rev. 20:15 and 21:, and my goal is to get you saved so me and god are after you! Don't put it off, your life is worthless without my invisibl frend who created you to worship him! And be glad your in a bible-based country like America where people such as myself can tell you the good words, not like those Arabistic Muhammadanisms and there oil-hoarding sand-beener ways, or the dog-eating ricepeople Chinamen, or those elefant-sodomizing spice-eating Hindoo Indi'ens, or the cannibalistic Ethiopic Africans, or those Mary-worshippin' child-molesting Catholics!
And if you are a Christian im going to CHALLENGE you to live a hardcore Christian life and be just as intolerant and elitist against all things non-christian as am i!
-Christians are being persecuted and oppressed from all fronts in a war on the godly values of this white-Anglo-Saxon-affluent-conservative-Christian-Republican nation! The culprits seem to be libral moran athiestisms and Christ-killin' Jewishtics who don't endorse the values on witch this godly-white-conservative-Christian-Republican nation was built!
-For instans, back in the good ol' days nobody woud have thought twice about going into the Middl-East and settin' those sand-beaner Muhammadanisms strate in order to convert them from there hell-bound ways and get them to stop selfishly hoarding our oil! Why, just look at how our godly Puritan fore-FATHERS handled things: they didn't pussy-foot around when it came to dealin' with heathin Indi'ens and Afry-ken Ethiopisms. Why they new the best thing was to defend there values and stick to there guns! And the Indi'ens and the Ethiopisms had better fall in line or else! But this message is lost on modern America today in the name of MULTI-CULTURALISM as the moran athiestics destroy the foundation of Christian America.
-Why the other day I catch'd my young'ins listening to some hipety-hop "gang-stir" black-Ethiopic-devil-worshippin' music about KILLING WHITE PEOPLE! And so I sat them down (after I burned that satanic Black Ethiopic music) and explained to them in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that killin' people is the LORD'S prerogative ONLY! Oh yes indeedee, it says in Exodus 20:13 not to murder folks, but the lord's not above using killing to achieve his ends! When people fail to adulate his fragile little ego he blows his holy cork in a hurry. So anyway I told them about the Hebrews (back before they became the Christ-killin' Jewishisms) and how the lord told them to do a lot of those vary things that the black-Ethiopistic-devil-music was advicatin', but ONLY agenst the ungodly! Like in Numbers 31 (7;15-18). now ask yourself this: do you think my first-century-CE-Caucasian-Aryun-lookin'-Jewishistic lord and savior Jesus was pleased at ADOLF HITLER for killin' AMERICAN SOLDIERS?! Of course not! 'Caus He's always on the side of the folks that flatters him most! And I have to tell you we're in for a hole mess of trouble here for desertin' the godly-Christian foundation we inherited from people like the Puritans!
-It's a disgrace to our Christian nation when movies like "Batman Begins" can glorify satanic actors like Christian Bale (Christian in name only, mocking our lord!) STRUTTIN' AROUND in his demonistic costume parading his muscular buttox and ripped thighs in those delectably tight black leggings (I'll say it for the athiestisms what good Christians already now but black is the devil's color!) stoppin' the lord's justice against a wicked and godless city! Why I bet he'd even pull off an anti-Christian stunt like that in San Francisco! And if you want any more proof that Christianity is being mocked for a sick satanistic secular agenda look at the Scarecrow, Batman's enemy, who uses drugs to strike terror in folks, clearly settin' himself up as god! The drugs are a psycadelic athiestismic sodomite Trotskyite refirrence to Karl Marx's claim that religion is the opiate of the masses (and he had the audacity to include True Christianity, when all True Christians now that True Christianity isn't a religion, religionisms are all the people worshipping the wrong invisible friend!), the terror is something that god does to sinners who don't turn to him (he's the only legitimit terrorist I'd guess you'd say!), and of course the scarecrow is a reference to the land of Oz, where the scarecrow doesn't have a brain! These athiestismic morans will stop at nothing to insult our One True Christian Faith!
-Why I get so angry at these morans that the other day I was out in town and I seed all them book-stores with there HARRY POTTER witchery (and we now from the scriptures somewhere that we shall not suffer a witch to live, just like the godly Puritans didn't!) and the music stores with there Black-Ethiopic devil music and the movie theaters with there evil satanic BATMAN BEGINS that I went into a holy Pentecostal rampage! I took out a whip of cords and laid into those hellbounden sinners just like Jesus in the temple in John 2:14-15. I figure its all for there own good if I can save them from wasting there money on SATANISTIC HARLOTRY and burning in hell for eternity as it says in (Revelation 21:.
-We now from the scripturs that god pulls no punches in getting even on folks that don't do exactly as he says! And we now from other bible scriptures that god has a pretty SADISTIC streak indeed. Why in Numbers 11:1 he goes so far as to burn folks to death for complainin'! And in Exodus 12:29 he kills all the firstborn in the land of Ejypt to show how good he is at killin' so's the Phairo will let the Hebrews go eat manna in the desirt and give him the adulation he so desperately craves! Before he leeds them into a new country where thay are two kill everybody and destroy everythin'! You see, the lord hates competition, and he don't stand for comin' in second-best! In His Holy Politics, its beleev it or burn!
-Small wonder indeed then that when Saten desided to step out of line and be his own god, god did what any loving and just god would do: he kicked his sorry devil hiny out of paradise and onto earth, which was also were he put his creations Adam and Eve ('bout six thousand years ago), even though he hates competition. So Adam and Eve were to do what any good Christian should: not think or question, simply trust and obey and give god the adulation he so desperately craves! And we shoud too because he deserves it, he makes that very clear! But anyway Adam and Eve were not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil that would make them INTELIJUNT because then they'd start to ASK QUESTIONS and set themselves up all high and mighty like god! And only god gets to do that. So's anyway, saten as a talking snake (and all your athiestismic biologistic textbooks can't teach you that snakes can talk!) gets them to screw it up, and then it's payback time!
-Now that evolution stuff is just plane ahtiestismic nonsense! We didn't come from monkeys, we came from dirt! God did it, he tells us so in scripture! And we now from scriptur that Jesus cum along a few thousand years after the fact to undo what Adam and Eve had done! It may take him a few thousand years, but god gets around to things! So evolution is clearly intended to undercut the plain bible words for ahtiestismic propaganda! Al that nonsense about fossils, whitch obvisly were eether planted by god to test our faith or by saten to tempt us to ahtiestism or deposited by the flood of Noah!
-but ahtiest are crafty morans they then say there isn't a flood! And I say it's the same ahtiestismic tricks to leed Christians astray and get them to think for themselves! Didn't it ever OCCUR to them that all of there so-called SCIENCE could be wrong? You just have to look past the apparent facts and have FAITH! All this nonsense about the earth being older than six thousand years, about humans evolving from monkeys, about the earth moving around the sun (remember, Joshua got god to stop the sun in the sky!) about the earth being ROUND instead of flat with four corners (remember Jesus and the devil on the mountain could see all the kingdoms of the earth!) is just ahtiestismic propegande to discredit my invisibl diabolical short-tempered frend who will smite me if I don't do everything he says!
-We here at the salvation station have been supportin' a godly true Christian movement for good, bible-based science! Hence our CRETIN scientists: Creationists Refuting Evolution Theory IN-deed! Dr. William Raymond "Billy-Ray" Mathers received his godly degree in CRETIN science and biblical mythology right here at our own Biblical University Lead by the Lord in Science of Heavily Indoctrinated Truth or BULLSHIT for short. Doc Billy-Ray has been very busy teaching college students complex models of arcane numbers proving that evolution could not have ocured it coud only have ben our invisibl frend! He is also very adept at presenting biblical and scientific evidunces for a young earth, such as the Paluxy River trackway! Recently Doc Billy-Ray anounsed his planed Noah Ark reconstruction, a replica exactly tru to the original (witch with a litl more funding and cooperation from the Terks he is quite sure we can find!) but with modern amenibilitees! The ark wil be saled around the world to the glory of god, pasing out trakts and dispelling skepticism! The most hardinid ahtiestism wil have to see the gratenes of our invisibl frend now! The ark wil be a part of a larjer atractiun, namely CRETIN-ism Bibleland Jesus World USA, a faithly Christian theme park that wil feature seens from the entire Bible! The ark itself wil of cours be center stage for the Noah flood exibit were good Christians can larn about how our merciful god saved eight people and some animals and plants on a floating boat when he drowned everyone else, including babies and small children, just four thousand years ago! The ark will float in an artificial lake constructed for the purpose and spanning some ten acres, with see-through windows so Christians and ahtiesitic gests can see the limp battirid corpses floating in the waters of gods holy wrath praise Christ! Real corpses from disaster areas such as the Asian tsunami will be flown in for the purpose!
There will be many other exhibits in the park of course, one of them the story of creation. Here the audiens will learn that god was lonely and wanted to be worshipt, so he created Adam and Eve for to do that. But god new that they woud go astray so he put the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the garden and told em it would make em smart! Witch is what the crafty devil posing as a talking snake (Doc Billy-Ray will demonstrate that with extensive surjical modification a skillt ventriloquist can make a snake talk, and donkeys too!) played on and it was payback time! True Christians of course beleev the story in its entirty without question and now the lessin: more Bible 'n less branes!
By far the most important exhibits in the park wil be those about Jesus our first-century CE Anglo-Saxon looking Palestinian Jewishistic. Weell larn how Jesus and his family escapt to Ejipt from the murderes rampajes of King Herid (evin thouh godless ahtiesmic Jewishistic scientists deny that this happened!) thanks to an angel (witch is a flying person! Doc Billy-Ray will demonstrate that peepl can in fact fly and that angels are responsible for such miracles as cars and airplanes! [They make the enjins and propellers work and all they need is a little gasoline! But wach out because they tend to excrete noctius fumes from out the back of the vihicl car or plane]) who left all the other babby boys in the town to die! Weell quickly be reminidid of the True Christian's obligation to vote Pro-Life even if god don't! Moving on weell see Jesus cure a few peepl his daddy coud have kept well to begin with and finally get crucifyd by the Jewishisms, the filthiest money-grubin' misrabl beaner vermin of all (weell learn how the Jewishisms have sufferd nothing but misfortin since they crucified Jesus, including loosing there city and there tempel to the Cathiolater Romines! And how latir on they wer responsible for somethun calt the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisitiun!) and resirect! Finally in the end Jesus returns and casts the atheisms and Jewishistics and heethin beaners and sand-niggers into hell to burn for eternity for not worshipin' and believing! But that's after the Rapture witch is when god's gonna take all the True Christians up into heaven to worship him and leave all the Jewishistics, beaners and sand-niggers with all the ahtiestisms to stew for a while and be ruled over by a beast and a dragon and a talking sheep! (Doc Billy-Ray wil demonstrate that its possibl for these creeturs to talk too especially if the devil's behind it, using metal music from the ahtiestistic world!)
A realistic depiction of heaven and hell will follow: weell see heaven full of godly, clean, affluent conservative white folks, including Our Lord and Savior George W. Bush, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Jim and Tammy Fay Bakker, Doctor Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins and James Dobson. Sermons will be preached nonstop together with hyms being sung! Every one of the True Christians will have ample help from beaner and colurd Ethiopic house servints and a great big mansin with a swimming pool and all the large SUVs and sleek sports cars you could want!
Hell will have all the siners being burned for eternity, screeming in eternal aginy as there flesh is consumed without berning up and are tormented without ceasing prais Christ!
In the Jewishism-spiled blood of Christ,
~Reverend Jebediah Philemon Oglethorpe, your ticket to the one-stop salvation shop, now with more convenient locations, discount tithing plans and indoor parking for all your salvation needs!
~"More bibble 'n less branes! If the bibble says the bibble is the book from god then we now so cause it says so, rite in the bibble! Glory amin prase Christ! It IS more BIBBLICAL that way... and you DON'T have to have so much BRANES!"~
~Reverend Jebediah Philemon Oglethorpe, your ticket to the one-stop salvation shop, now with more convenient locations, discount tithing plans and indoor parking to serve all your salvation needs!
~More bible 'n less branes!~