Another complicates situation in need of your 2 cents, dambed whatever you do...

NoMoreCrazyPeople
atheistSuperfan
NoMoreCrazyPeople's picture
Posts: 969
Joined: 2009-10-14
User is offlineOffline
Another complicates situation in need of your 2 cents, dambed whatever you do...

I'll try to keep this as short as I can but it is complicated so...You guys are always good for a rational slap in the face, and theirs no dam manual for this kind of stuff and I'm totally out of gas thinking it through.  I’m interested in the opinions of more freethinking progressive types, more open types than traditional "must get married, must have kids...its the only way" type of people I know what they would say here.    This situation I'm in drives me absolutely nuts and I just can't get a handle on it.  In a nutshell (believe me it’s a complicated tangled web), I've had a thing for the same 2 girls most of my life since I was 13 we'll call them girl 1 and girl 2, besides one other short and long gone relationship, I never really had a thing for anyone else I'm really picky and it takes me a long time to develop something of substance.  I was friends with them for years and years before we crossed the line.  Crossed first with girl 1 at about 25, then she sketched out knowing it would get serious and got flaky then absent in her immaturity.  Soon after I ended up with girl 2 and it was fricken awesome for the brief time it lasted before she moved to California.  I then caught up with a more mature girl 1 and a long term relationship inevitably followed now almost 5 years long.  Last year girl 2 came back to town, and me and girl 1 have been having problems for years because of our core personality differences and we split officially and mutually on good terms a couple month ago, and I fricken love her to death and always will.  The inescapable truth here, is that I have equally strong feelings for both of them, I find it impossible to let one go, and that fact just doesn't sit well with either of course lol every person understandably wanting to be singled out and special when it comes to this stuff, but in reality it isn't always the case.   They are complete opposites who would lead to completely different life paths.  I can't find a solid scale tipper for either, and I find it almost impossible to "choose" one and officially shun the other which I would have to do to move on with one, they are very aware of each other they've even crossed paths a few times,  i have been pretty honest with them both about this dilemma.  I'll probably just end up loosing em both and watching them become friends through their hatred of me or something I’m sure, lol.
 
Here is the downlow:

 

My opposite:
Girl 1:  Could potentially be the cutest human being in the world, has a little high pitch voice and the most adorable mannerisms ever,  but a little bit of a princess.  Doesn't do well with the more controversial conversations, doesn't like to stand strong on an opinion would rather keep it light and not think about it, and has a hard time caring about the more intellectually stimulating things I find interesting and would rather keep it simple although she tries for my sake.   Is very traditional in her values like she must have a standard wedding, and nice family with white picket fence and take the kids to soccer practice...  Still visits her parents every weekend or so for dinner and has strong family relationships, very family oriented and centered.  She would be an incredible mother its like she was born to be a mom.  She is a little babied and has learned to whine and nag to get what she wants, has a tendency to annoy by feeling entitled and asking you to do things she is perfectly capable of doing herself like getting a drink, or turning down the heat, getting the blanket from the room...  Stresses about what others thinks and picks at little things like clothes worn to dinner ("wear the black shirt babe ok&quotEye-wink lol etc...  Is the number 1 person in the world who makes me feel like I am home not just in my house, and I am totally comfortable being myself with her.  If your car breaks  down far from help with this one, your in for some bad moods big time like "you and this stupid car, why don't you get it checked more often, your so irresponsible, god..."    Is a little lazy, and excuse making, but when motivated does show some gusto but it often dies out.  Is emotionally fragile, and needy beyond my abilities of satisfying, which can be annoying at times but causes me to feel this incredibly powerful urge to be around to protect her from harm, like I can't even describe how protective I am of her.   I find myself seeing us old together, and that being a good choice and fulfilling family centered life to have lived I would be proud of.  To sum her up, sitting on the couch with her watching a movie and smoking a joint could be the most "right/at peace" I’ve ever felt and at our best it is perfect, but we are total and complete opposites in almost everyway and annoy the hell out of each other. 
My similar:
Girl 2:  Is a Muse, like a fabled creature or something you can't catch, a one of a kind character who appears and disappears randomly.  Is the complete opposite of naggy or picky and is a free spirit type who dances without music in her kitchen for no reason.  If I wore sweat pants to a 5 star restaurant, she'd probably wear them too, and then we’d make jokes about other people reactions and make up games and bets to mock them.  She said once casually she wasn't too interested in having kids tie her down, and I want at least 1 kid very much.  Is probably the funnest person I know filled with loads of positive energy that never ends no matter what is happening.  Is confident and independent, worries and plans things very little, and has big brass balls you simply can't embarrass this girl or out wit her, spunk level 9'6 on the rictar scale, she'll slap you silly if you piss her off.  I don't seem to feel as strong of a need to make sure she is ok as the other because of this spunk she has and how secure she is with herself.  If your car breaks down far from help with this one, she'll laugh and get out to help you push the car then "jump" on you a little while waiting for help to come and never make you feel lesser for the bad luck.  We have an unheard of chemistry like I've never experienced, we just completely vibe on the same level from humor and sinical sarcasm to interests both intellectual and day to day like no one else, but that makes me worry that we might end up like Jerry Seinfeild and Geneene garrafello on seinfield when he thinks he has found the perfect women because she is just like him, but soon finds out he can't fucking stand her or himself as company, he drives himself nuts lol.  I also worry with this one, she could without warning decide to backpack china for 3 years or something, but then again I might just be down for the adventure who says marriage and children is the only route... to sum her up you basically need to regularly workout your cardio just so you can hang around her and keep up or else she'll run you over and keep on going...
 
What to do...What to do?   What is most rational, what is most honorable and of good character for me to do?  What would you do?  Girl 1 leads to a stable family life and alote of relaxing cuddling on the couch and constant absolutely adorable little thingy’s she does all the time, but never ending head butting and bickering, and daily stress from our very different lifestyles and my inability to satisfy her hungry insecurity monster.  Girl 1 has said she most likely can never be truly happy with a guy like me because I am so anti-"normal" like with stuff like housekeeping, or going on "dates" or buying corny cards on valentines day... and i have a really hard time with touchy stuff like expressing feelings I find it kind of lame, so that fuels her insecurity.  And so I wonder If the right thing to do is to try harder for her sake despite the fact i will always fall short of her needs, or am I right to deserve to be the sarcastic goofball I am and shouldn't drag her along in my random all over the place life path and let her find some neat and tidy guy who has a spiffy condo and tight jeans and a mochafrappachino  lol.  Girl 2 leads to adventure, the random, the intellectually stimulating, the exciting, but much less if not no foundation like the family structure and awesome feeling of being at home like the other would.  Girl 1 being so vulnerable and easily tricked and hurt, very well might not find a truly great guy who would love and protect her the way I would in time for when she wants to have kids and I would feel terrible that I took so many years from her only to split up, and would always worry and wonder about her wellbeing and my decision.  I think I would always feel bad and probably kick myself any direction I take it, I find this situation awfully confusing and the possible outcomes look bleak.  I genuinely and honestly feel the same about them both in very different ways but with equal strength, and just can't draw a line here and have no way of coming to any firm decision.  Pick one loose the other, pick the other loose the one, pick both and loose them both.   Dambed if I do, dambed if I don't!     
 
My fantasy...haha, they fall for each other and we have an open love triangle polygamist family lol what??? It could happen.


Fuck…again I apologize for the length but this really was the short version, some detail had to be given for anyone to have a word on it.
 
Your thoughts please...
 


Vastet
atheistBloggerHigh Level ModeratorSuperfan
Vastet's picture
Posts: 10609
Joined: 2006-12-25
User is offlineOffline
I'd love to help, but until

I'd love to help, but until I know someone very well I'm not in a position to give advice on their dating. It took me 5 years before I knew my roommate well enough to give him advice. It's too damn complex, and too easy to totally fuck it up. For me anyway. Hopefully a few others won't share this problem.

I didn't want to say nothing though. So I'll say what I can.

Kids can be the single biggest issue in relationships, when partners disagree. Quite often one will convince themself that ceding to their partner is worth it, only to find 5 or 10 years later that it can't work, because they REALLY want what their partner doesn't.

While the complaints you level about girl 1 seem to be the most common complaints one will ever hear from someone in a relationship, and the kind of thing you have to realise is probably reciprocated. There are quite certainly things that you do which she finds equally annoying. If you can accept it in each other than you have a pretty solid foundation to work with.

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.


Vastet
atheistBloggerHigh Level ModeratorSuperfan
Vastet's picture
Posts: 10609
Joined: 2006-12-25
User is offlineOffline
Like I implied, though, I

Like I implied, though, I wouldn't suggest blindly following this advice, just think on it a bit.

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.


digitalbeachbum
atheistRational VIP!
digitalbeachbum's picture
Posts: 3063
Joined: 2007-10-15
User is offlineOffline
Here is my advice based on

Here is my advice based on my experiences.

I have had several women in my life who were really good people, yes they had flaws, but the following four really taught me alot...

Girl 1 - I asked to marry me but soon realized she was a racist and a lot of baggage which I didn't want to deal with. She was good in bed but up to a certain point. She really had a lot of issues so I dumped her. She stalked me for a while but I had to write her a nasty letter to get her to stop. She wasn't a horrible person but the baggage was too much to deal with; I realized from this relationship that some people are walking around in their sleep. They go to work, go home in the evening and haven't a fucking clue what they are doing, where they are going or who they are.

Girl 2 - Started dating a few months after Girl 1. This girl was my dream girl. She liked sex as much as I did. We did it every day, every location, in every format and position. It was fucking awesome... but it died quickly and I got dumped. She moved on to greener pastures and I was crushed. It took me months to figure out that I was creating my own pain and suffering. I learned that I didn't need sex only to make a great relationship. If you can't trust the person 100% the relationship is not worth the commitment. I'm glad I didn't marry this one either because I would have always been wondering who she might be fucking behind my back. Besides, she was batshit crazy.

Girl 3 - Started seeing after Girl 2 but almost exactly when Girl 4 came along. We fucked a number of times and it was good, but she was batshit crazy also and I realized I could have an awesome fuck buddy for 6-10 months or I could move on to Girl 4 and make a commitment.

Girl 4 - At first it was good and all, but there were a lot of things to be worked out. She was much more mature than I was and was way out of my league. She liked me though and we dated a bit before we actually had sex. It took a lot of work. A lot. We both had been through similar stuff so we were on the same page. She wasn't racist. She wasn't batshit crazy. She was hard working, devoted, understanding and most of all, she knew who she was, where she was going and what she was doing. After a lot of therapy (we went to a counselor) we ended up getting married. We have been married for seven years now and have one kid. We still work on the shit but we are best friends. She really works hard on the relationship and puts up with all my bullshit with her love and understanding of how much of an idiot I can be on a daily basis.

 

Cliff Notes:

1 - be best friends

2 - know who you are, where you are going and what you are doing

3 - they know who they are, know where they are going and what they are doing

4 - no bat shit crazy stuff

5 - be on the same page (see 2 and 3)

 

 

 

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

-Scott Adams


tonyjeffers
tonyjeffers's picture
Posts: 482
Joined: 2012-02-14
User is offlineOffline
I've had both kinds of girls

I've had both kinds of girls but at different times.  I almost married girl 1 and have no doubt in my mind that I would be divorced with alimony and child support payments right now if we had gone thru with it. I was the last guy in town to find out what a moron I was. That's a terrible feeling. Honestly (and no offense) but girl 1 sounds like the same selfish little bitch type.  IF you were anyone else besides a man with a hard-on for her , would she seem so sweet? But I know the opposite attraction there.   When you are with her around a group of people that you know better than her, and her little baby princess attitude comes out, do you have this little feeling of slight embarrassment in your gut and tell yourself that they just don't know her like you do?  IF so, trust your gut and walk away from her. She'll end up sucking the life-force out of you.  And don't go changing to please no one.

 

Girl 2 sounds like a real woman, but you may end up  having justifiable trust issues with her.  A free spirit doesn't like to stay tied down for long.  I'd just appreciate all the good times you can possibly have with her and try not to ruin things by defining your relationship too much.  Just let it flow and try not to drown each other and it may just play itself out to be a good thing for many years to come.   

Marriage has nothing to do with a feeling of security in my opinion. That's all in your head.  The only thing secure in a marriage is the man's money securely in his wife's purse with his balls.

But what the fuck do I know? I'm 39 and have never been married.  Women are one of the great mysteries of the universe.  Get back to me when you figure that riddle out. Sometimes I wonder if gay guys would really have it made if it weren't for society and religion raining on their gay parade.

"...but truth is a point of view, and so it is changeable. And to rule by fettering the mind through fear of punishment in another world is just as base as to use force." -Hypatia


digitalbeachbum
atheistRational VIP!
digitalbeachbum's picture
Posts: 3063
Joined: 2007-10-15
User is offlineOffline
tonyjeffers wrote:Marriage

tonyjeffers wrote:

Marriage has nothing to do with a feeling of security in my opinion. That's all in your head.  The only thing secure in a marriage is the man's money securely in his wife's purse with his balls.

But what the fuck do I know? I'm 39 and have never been married.  Women are one of the great mysteries of the universe.  Get back to me when you figure that riddle out. Sometimes I wonder if gay guys would really have it made if it weren't for society and religion raining on their gay parade.

Yeah, you are right about the marriage thing, that's one of the reasons why I say "let the gays get married". It isn't like the homo-haters have any success with it anyway. I bet the gays would do a better job at staying married.

 

 

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

-Scott Adams


Watcher
atheist
Posts: 2326
Joined: 2007-07-10
User is offlineOffline
What's that joke about gay

What's that joke about gay marriage?  That they should have the right to be just as miserable as heterosexual couples?  haha

I think you're asking us to know you better than you know yourself.  It all comes down to what you want the most.  That's what you have to figure out.

Getting married is a shock.  Having kids is a shock.  It's surviving the relationship under those conditions that makes marriage fail so much, that is if you decide to get married.

I've been married 9 years and I'm MUCH closer with my wife now than I was for the first 6 years or so.  I guess we were both just too stubborn to give up on each other.

"I am an atheist, thank God." -Oriana Fallaci


NoMoreCrazyPeople
atheistSuperfan
NoMoreCrazyPeople's picture
Posts: 969
Joined: 2009-10-14
User is offlineOffline
Hey...nice feedback, wasn't

Hey...nice feedback, wasn't expecting such thorough thoughts on it all after rambling and digging right in on this pretty buzzed late saturday night, I really appreciate all who took a second to read and think it out, I know it was a bit of a read but I was confident people would relate to this kind of a pickle.  You guys put some effort into dropping your 2 cents so I'll definetly spend some real time taking in what you said and thinking it thru and responding.  

 

Thanks again...  

 

Just a little current update tidbit...  I'm getting more and more tangled in the mess now and more confused as to what to do. lol  Girl 1 still comes over all the time, we are on/off half together just taking some time for ourselves with no labels/rules, we end up sleeping together a few times a week.  I still haven't gone to meet with gitrl 2 yet I feel guilty about it but she's creeping closer in my life and I can't really stop it.   Today I was watching tv and not by choice,  having elaborate text chats with both at the same time, completely confuzzled... thinking "this is fricken nuts, I can't handle this."  It's all gonna blow up man I can feel it boiling up lol    


x
Bronze Member
Posts: 591
Joined: 2010-06-15
User is offlineOffline
2c

It depends what you want but I've found that especially as one gets older, having a soulmate matters more.

When younger, it was more important to be open to a variety of experiences/women, even if they were a bit crazy sometimes.


digitalbeachbum
atheistRational VIP!
digitalbeachbum's picture
Posts: 3063
Joined: 2007-10-15
User is offlineOffline
NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:Just

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:

Just a little current update tidbit...  I'm getting more and more tangled in the mess now and more confused as to what to do. lol  Girl 1 still comes over all the time, we are on/off half together just taking some time for ourselves with no labels/rules, we end up sleeping together a few times a week.  I still haven't gone to meet with gitrl 2 yet I feel guilty about it but she's creeping closer in my life and I can't really stop it.   Today I was watching tv and not by choice,  having elaborate text chats with both at the same time, completely confuzzled... thinking "this is fricken nuts, I can't handle this."  It's all gonna blow up man I can feel it boiling up lol    

You need to be honest. If they find out about each other you might lose both.

Try to imagine which one you would want to grow old with; also try to meet their mothers. This will help you see them when they get older.

 

Don't keep being dishonest to yourself. Make a choice and get on with your life. Your ego is consuming you right now.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

-Scott Adams


Vastet
atheistBloggerHigh Level ModeratorSuperfan
Vastet's picture
Posts: 10609
Joined: 2006-12-25
User is offlineOffline
Read the OP, they already

Read the OP, they already know about each other. Sticking out tongue

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.


NoMoreCrazyPeople
atheistSuperfan
NoMoreCrazyPeople's picture
Posts: 969
Joined: 2009-10-14
User is offlineOffline
digitalbeachbum wrote:You

digitalbeachbum wrote:

You need to be honest. If they find out about each other you might lose both.

 

That's the thing, I have been, completely so in the last few months to both and they have both for a long time known all about eachother.  It is definetly... among a few others, one of the main reason me and girl 1 are seperated, understandably she doesn't like the fact I have long developed feelings for another girl the same like i do with her and I totally get that and feel terrible but it just is. Confessed to them both the truth that I don't feel right about cutting one out entirely and either way I piss off and hurt one and i'm frozen with the choices i have. 

digitalbeachbum wrote:

Try to imagine which one you would want to grow old with; also try to meet their mothers. This will help you see them when they get older.

Growing older...girl 1, because of the comfort and the "home" feeling she bring to a house.  But I struggle with whether this is selfish reasoning knowing that she likely needs more than my alloof and left field life can offer, and a guy who is more...um..."typical."  I fight with whether the right thing to do for her is to chase it and put it back together and try harder, or to let her find a better match for her sake.  The first makes me wonder if that might be a little manipulative in nature as if I'm holding on by doing exactly what I know will keep her round, because of her nature she is quick to jump back in even if shes making the effort not to.  The second obviously makes me wonder if I'm the idiot who let "that girl" get away and ofcourse the awnser was to try harder no matter how short you fall from making the lovely girl as happy as she could be.  Both seem to make sense to me.

 

digitalbeachbum wrote:

Don't keep being dishonest to yourself. Make a choice and get on with your life. Your ego is consuming you right now.

Oh no, I hope i didn't come off like that it's not like that atall.  its actually more the opposite, 6 years ago I thought i'd never be anything to either of these girls and both were too pretty and to good for me. I was nervous as shit about crossing the line with either and always feared that if I let either in, theyde get bored of me or something and move on...  I am actually completely dumbfounded things turned out this way I would have never figured they had the same longtime in the making special feelings towrds me I alwys thought they just saw me as a friend.   I have totally shocked and feel very uneasy about apparently being that guy, the guy to them all these years they were to me, genuinly shocked i had no idea.  So thats the reality, not at all that I'm like "oh ya, check it out, 2 hotties into me" lol shit no, not even close what a terrible thing, it's more like "how the hell did this happen, what the heck do they even see in me lol,wtf is going on here and how do I solve this without completely insulting atleast one?"

I really hope it didn't come off the way you took it much, it is so fa from my ego at work here, I am trying to do whats the best for everyone, but its not clear at all.

 

 

 

The honest truth is they are both important top me, I have equal time and history with both going back over a decade, I findit impossible to tell one goodbye forever and feel horrible imagening doing it to either.