I want to believe in God, but it doesn't work?
Hello, I'm new and all, and I consider myself an Agnostic Atheist, but I've always wanted to be a theist.
I was born in an Orthodox Christian family, but we weren't especially religious. Still, I went to church for a period of my childhood very often, and considered myself as a Christian. However, as time passed, from my 8-10th year, or even earlier, I began to doubt things. I started asking "Does this make sense?" and "Could that really happen?" My mind always rejected religion as someting irrational.
At the time, I watched the Discovery, History and NG chanells which didn't help my theistic side to prevail over the atheistic. It talked about how everything in the bible would be explained with science, the contradictions, false beliefs etc. etc. The last one I saw said how, based on the evidence, Izrael people didn't attack the land (I forgot its name) like the bible says, but they lived there as peasants, and then probably built a new identity. They passed through a town which has a very similar name to the God in bible and probably got their belief from it. At that point, I would still answer I'm a theist when someone asked me, but deep inside, I knew it wasn't true. I guess I was just scared of hell or something.
One day, I just realized that this "hiding from the truth" cannot continue. If God exists, he knows I don't believe in him and this false Christianity makes little to no sense to me. From that point on, I considered myself an atheist.
Life of an atheist (which I added the tag of "nihilist" later) was okay. I thought everything was created in the Big Bang, evolution happened and we appeared; there is no purpose to our existence and there is no morale. I felt I was free. I immediately joined the Religion discussion on Yahoo! Answers on the side of a sarcastic atheists. And I felt good, but then again, I didn't really like it. I don't want just to "perish from existence" when I die. I want someone to be up there, this world would be better then! I don't want to rot in heaven.
In this "search" for God, I met quite a few people. None would make me believe in God. One of them was incredibly smart, and I liked what he told me, but I still didn't become an atheist.