Humor: Tamar and Judah Retold... Genesis 38:1-30
Judah went to hang with his best bud, Hirah, flush with cash after selling his bro, Joseph, to the Midonites. ( Biatch thought he was all that with his coat of many colors… ) One evening they was chillin’ with some Goat 45 when Judah spied a hot little honey named Shuah, (She was a Canaanite, but Judah didn’t mind, the Bitch was FINE don’t ya know.)
And he ‘went in unto her’ if ya know what I mean dog, sheeeit.
Well didn’t that bitch get knocked up? But Judah was a man about it and named the kid Er ( as in “Err, I thought you was on the pill, baby?” ) That must have been some fine Canaanite booty ‘cause Judah kept hittin’ dat ass. Boom! She got knocked up again, and called the kid Onan. The last one was born in Chezib ( What happens in Chezib STAYS in Chezib ) and she called him ‘Shelah’ ( which doomed his ass to be a punk ) and they got all domestic and shit, and in time, Judah looked around for a honey for his boy, Er.
He found one named Tamar and hooked the brother up. But Er was into some heavy shit and dirty dealin’ and Gawd felt dissed, so he popped a cap in the biatch’s ass.
And Judah said, “Sheeeit, ain’t this a bitch?”
And he told Onan to “Go hit that ass, so your bro can get his props and at least have a kid to his name.”
And Onan was cool with getting with the honey because she was fine, but he wasn’t down with getting her knocked up. He ended up giving her a pearl necklace which was cool, because she was a freak.
But Gawd wasn’t down with the freaky shit, so he iced Onan too.
Now Judah sensed a pattern in all of this, and sent the bitch home to her daddy, telling her to wait till the boy was old enough to get with it. But she looked on his pink chiffon robed, jerry curled, punk ass, and knew this shit would never happen. ( “The name is She-LAH, girlfriend…<snap>” )
Not long after that, Shuah, Judah’s Canaanite woman ate some bad goat cheese and died.
Judah got over it pretty quick and decided to go on a road trip with his bud Hirah to sheer some sheep and shit.
Now one of Tamar’s girlfriends came over and told her “I done seen your daddy-in-law and that no good lazy bastid Hirah heading up to Timnath. Yeah they gonna be sheerin’ sheep, uh huh…”And Tamar said “Fuck this.”
And she put on her fishnets and black spandex booty shorts a little pink t-shirt that said “Yeah, Ba-bee!”, and some dark sunglasses and went to hang out on the corner on the way to Timnath. (I think that would be Timnath and 33d).
And Judah passed by the corner and saw that fine little piece of meat, and thought she must be a Ho, (because he was already half drunk and she was wearing shades, he didn’t recognize that ass). And he went up to her all smooth and shit, and told her he’d like to get with that.
And she said unto him “My time is valuable fool, if you want to get with this, you gonna pay.”
They negotiated for a while and settled on one of his sheep ( primitive assed bitches didn’t have no Master Cards… ). But Jonah didn’t have the sheep on him so what’s a MoFo to do?
But Tamar got all sweet and shit and said “I know you’re good for it daddy, just leave me your walking stick and your bling-bling and you can pay me later.”
So Judah got his freak on with the little ho, and it was gooooooooood…
About three month’s later, Judah was pissed off. He couldn’t find the ho, he didn’t have his bling, and the bitch even made off with his custom inlaid walking stick. And to top it all off, his main man Hirah came in telling him that the word on the street had his daughter-in-law all knocked up, because she been turning tricks and shit.
He said unto him “Damn, bring that bitch here and I’ll burn her ass.”
But when they brought her to his crib, she tossed down his stick and his bling, and said “Now old man, what you gonna do?”And in time, they went onto the Jerry Springer Show, Amen.
Christianity: A disgusting middle eastern blood cult, based in human sacrifice, with sacraments of cannibalism and vampirism, whose highest icon is of a near naked man hanging in torment from a device of torture.