a beautiful woman is comming to live with me for a month

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a beautiful woman is comming to live with me for a month

I'm having a friend over for about a month. She arrives monday. We've known each other for a long time. But this will be the first time we will be together this long.

She knows of my desires for her but still resists them. She resists them because of stuborness, I guess... and her mind still live in certain dogmas and false paradigms... 

It will be a hard time to have such a woman living with me without any action... but I'm hopefull she will let me love her this time... we are both alone and lacking.

Hmmm... I must prepare something really romantic...

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"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness"

"All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force... We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter." (Max Planck)

"the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor byproduct of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here." Paul Davies


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Teralek wrote:I'm having a

Teralek wrote:

I'm having a friend over for about a month. She arrives monday. We've known each other for a long time. But this will be the first time we will be together this long.

She knows of my desires for her but still resists them. She resists them because of stuborness, I guess... and her mind still live in certain dogmas and false paradigms... 

It will be a hard time to have such a woman living with me without any action... but I'm hopefull she will let me love her this time... we are both alone and lacking.

Hmmm... I must prepare something really romantic...

Throwing yourself at women gets you nowhere. I don't think it is wise to have someone you are pining for living under the same roof with you, especially after she has said she is not interested. It seems to me you are more in love with the idea of being in love, than actually being in love.

Love is not, "Look how attracted I am to you"

Don't set yourself up for disappointment and don't think because you are attracted to her, that she has to be attracted to you. Life doesn't work that way.

When I was young I thought, "If they could only feel what I am feeling". The reality is they won't always feel about you what you feel about them. 

The Reality is when you really fall in love it is mutual, not forced. It is not a one way street,  and it is something that goes way beyond physical attraction or hormones. You have your entire life ahead of you, you don't need to jump into something merely because of your emotions. In fact, purely going on emotions is how most people end up making mistakes.

Utopias don't exist and if she says she is not interested, I would let it go, and I most certainly wouldn't ruin any friendship by having her move in with you when she has already stated she is not interested.

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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I really am not trying to be

I really am not trying to be a downer on you. But you sound young, and I can remember all the time I wasted on girls as a teen and women as an adult because I thought I could simply "show" them and they would understand. The reality is that if someone loves you, they will show you, if they are not interested, no amount of throwing yourself at them will change that.

Time and experience will show you that love is not something you buy or force on others. It is either there or it isn't. And it has to be a two way street. If you truly care about her, you will let her be herself, even if that doesn't involve you being her partner. Just be happy for her and let her be herself, no matter where life goes for her.

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 Well dude, have you

 

Well dude, have you considered hookers?

 

The really hot ones usually want quite a bit of money. The less hot ones know that they can't get big cash.

 

Then there are drunk chicks in bars. If you play the game right, you can get your pee pee inside her pee pee for the cost of your bar tab.

 

After that, you are left with date rape drugs.

 

Or you could try being a normal human being.

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Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

 

Well dude, have you considered hookers?

 

The really hot ones usually want quite a bit of money. The less hot ones know that they can't get big cash.

 

Then there are drunk chicks in bars. If you play the game right, you can get your pee pee inside her pee pee for the cost of your bar tab.

 

After that, you are left with date rape drugs.

 

Or you could try being a normal human being.

What the hell Gene, did you take advice from Dr Phil when he was smoking crack? LOL

You sound like that Drill Sergent in the Geico commercial,

"MAYBE WE COULD CHUG ON DOWN TO MAMMBY PAMMBY LAND WHERE MAYBE WE COULD FIND YOU SOME SELF CONFIDENCE YOU JACKWAGON".

Cut the guy some slack, geeze.  I am glad you were not my therapist. LOL

In all seriousness, all kidding aside. I used to be this guy when I was young. I was just trying to save himself from some disappointment just in case things don't work out. Life is not a utopia. It can be great when you find someone, but it has to be mutual and even then, sometimes things don't last forever.

 

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 OK Brian, what part of the

 

OK Brian, what part of the OP does not come off as “How do I get her pants off”?

 

Seriously, are we supposed to give him advise on which cologne will charm her out of her clothing?

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Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

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I see someone wants to fuck

I see someone wants to fuck :P 


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 Well Brian, it is of

 

Well Brian, it is of course true that all atheists know how to charm hot chicks out of their clothing. We can force them to make mad passionate love to us. Heck but everyone else can, at best, get them to scream “OH GOD!” but when we do it the exact same hot chick will scream “OH NOTHING!” Major win for us.

 

That does not mean that I am going to tell Terelack the secret.

 

Um, either that or I am an atheist who just happens to have a moral sense that forcing hot chicks to have sex is, well, a fucked up thing.

 

If he is sporting wood that badly, then he needs to get laid. He has options that are open to him.

 

An old and ugly meth addict will cost like $20.

 

A hot pole dancer will cost like $200.

 

A drunk chick will cost whatever his bar tab comes out to be. She may even be hot. The next day, he will have to deal with the fact that he only got laid because she was piss drunk.

 

Or he could try having an adult relationship. It will take some time and he will probably have a few theoretical girlfriends before he connects but the fact is that chick like to get laid too. If that was not true, then why would there be lesbians?

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=


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From a woman's perspective,

From a woman's perspective, I would advise playing hard to get. The OP stated she was being stubborn or, has some kind of dogma which is causing her inhibitions...not that she is totally disgusted by him.

Play hard to get. Be nice but, treat her like a buddy and flirt with other women in her presence. If there is a chance, she'll let you know by her pissy attitude and jealousy.

If this doesn't work, she may be a lesbian and you'll have to go the hooker route to get some relief.

'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein


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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

Or he could try having an adult relationship. It will take some time and he will probably have a few theoretical girlfriends before he connects but the fact is that chick like to get laid too. If that was not true, then why would there be lesbians?

 

Well, that is a non sequitur. 

If chicks didn't like to get laid they wouldn't get drunk in the first place is closer to reality.

-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.

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Teralek wrote:..and her mind

Teralek wrote:
..and her mind still live in certain dogmas and false paradigms...

Lemme guess, "no sex before marriage" ?


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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

 

OK Brian, what part of the OP does not come off as “How do I get her pants off”?

 

Seriously, are we supposed to give him advise on which cologne will charm her out of her clothing?

I don't think he was looking for advice on getting a one night hook up. This guy sounds serious, all I was doing was pointing out reality in that just because you might feel something for somebody, doesn't mean they will feel the same thing for you.

All your advice was good except for the illegal stuff, if he wanted a one night stand. LOL

I took his post as that he was serious about having a long term relationship with her.

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Sandycane wrote:From a

Sandycane wrote:

From a woman's perspective, I would advise playing hard to get. The OP stated she was being stubborn or, has some kind of dogma which is causing her inhibitions...not that she is totally disgusted by him.

Play hard to get. Be nice but, treat her like a buddy and flirt with other women in her presence. If there is a chance, she'll let you know by her pissy attitude and jealousy.

If this doesn't work, she may be a lesbian and you'll have to go the hooker route to get some relief.

Fuck that. I hate jealous people. I dated a jealous woman, it was oppressive and I finally broke that shit off. Jealousy doesn't show love, it shows insecurity.

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Quote:It will be a hard time

Quote:

It will be a hard time to have such a woman living with me without any action

 

Welcome to marriage

 

 


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Sandycane wrote:If this

Sandycane wrote:

If this doesn't work, she may be a lesbian and you'll have to go the hooker route to get some relief.

Then you could share the hooker with her and get her to pay half. That's what I would call having your cake and eating it too. 

 

 

I just usually go with my own taste. If I like something, and it happens to be against the law, well, then I might have a problem.- Hunter S. Thompson


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Wow, a woman moving in ? I

Wow, a woman moving in ? I speeded up the work, overcame myself and sent you preliminary version. I really should provide you the advice faster because you'll need it so soon.
It is mostly about orienting myself in your strengths and weaknesses. I also recommended the book Men are from Mars, women from Venus, I wonder if this is any new book to you.

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Brian37 wrote:Sandycane

Brian37 wrote:

Sandycane wrote:

From a woman's perspective, I would advise playing hard to get. The OP stated she was being stubborn or, has some kind of dogma which is causing her inhibitions...not that she is totally disgusted by him.

Play hard to get. Be nice but, treat her like a buddy and flirt with other women in her presence. If there is a chance, she'll let you know by her pissy attitude and jealousy.

If this doesn't work, she may be a lesbian and you'll have to go the hooker route to get some relief.

Fuck that. I hate jealous people. I dated a jealous woman, it was oppressive and I finally broke that shit off. Jealousy doesn't show love, it shows insecurity.

True, jealously does not prove love BUT, it would let him know if she is at all interested. Also there are degrees of jealousy and various actions that bring it out. If I were interested in a man and he was playing hard to get and flirting with other women in my face, I would most definitely be jealous and I'd sure let him know it.

The woman you dated who was jealous could have had good reason to react that way...or, she might have been the obsessive/possessive type and was jealous through no fault of your own.

'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein


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Lol! thank you for your

Lol! thank you for your answers! I posted this just to take a break of my usual posts and see what kind of comments would I get. I didn't say much about the situation but I'll say more...

We've known each other for about 12 years. Now we live about 150km appart. She is unemployed and I got something for her here for about at least 20 to 30 days. That's why she's moving in temporarily.

She practically knows everythoing about me and I about her. Although I didn't say much Sandycane was very perceptive...

Sandycane wrote:
From a woman's perspective, I would advise playing hard to get. The OP stated she was being stubborn or, has some kind of dogma which is causing her inhibitions...not that she is totally disgusted by him.

Play hard to get. Be nice but, treat her like a buddy and flirt with other women in her presence. If there is a chance, she'll let you know by her pissy attitude and jealousy.

If this doesn't work, she may be a lesbian and you'll have to go the hooker route to get some relief.

I should do that! I'm so stupid sometimes because I really melt before a woman that I like... I guess I'm just a romantic asshole... who can't control himself...hey maybe that's my problem... I don't do any schemes... I didn't want to resort to a hooker... but if my fasting lasts much longer I guess I will have to do that! Problem is I really don't want a one night stand...

Sandycane, no she isn't totaly disgusted by me... You're right about that.

Anonymouse wrote:

Teralek wrote:
..and her mind still live in certain dogmas and false paradigms...

Lemme guess, "no sex before marriage" ?

No, but it's something similar to that, I'll not get to further details...

Brian! You're absolutely right! I can't even tell you how right you are! I wasn't looking for advice, as I didn't even ask any questions... I was just talking... Problem is that I'm having dificulty finding that "reality":

Brian37 wrote:
The reality is that if someone loves you, they will show you, if they are not interested, no amount of throwing yourself at them will change that.

Why is this I don't know... it's kind of a big mystery to me, even bigger than God! Lol!

I'm not in love with anyone right now (thank God!)... But I knew something today that made me very upset and mad at myself. I knew that a friend of mine that I liked about one year ago, has been with another person... I got very jelous about this! I shouldn't be! This got me mad at myself! She treated me very bad at the time... I forgave her, we still speak to each other... what I don't understand is why I was jelous of this! Damn! I'm so stupid!

Luminon! I'm going to read your email now! Thanks!

______________________________________________________________
"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness"

"All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force... We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter." (Max Planck)

"the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor byproduct of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here." Paul Davies


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Luminon wrote:Wow, a woman

Luminon wrote:

Wow, a woman moving in ? I speeded up the work, overcame myself and sent you preliminary version. I really should provide you the advice faster because you'll need it so soon. I've read it
It is mostly about orienting myself in your strengths and weaknesses. I also recommended the book Men are from Mars, women from Venus, I wonder if this is any new book to you.

I've read it! Wow! What a big email! thanks! I stand amazed sometimes with astrology charts and their accuracy! Though Luminon was subjective in certain aspects... he said that's because he's not seeing me in person...

I'll respond as soon as possible Luminon. And no I haven't read that book, but I'll put it on my list

 

______________________________________________________________
"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness"

"All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force... We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter." (Max Planck)

"the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor byproduct of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here." Paul Davies


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Teralek wrote:Lol! thank you

Teralek wrote:

Lol! thank you for your answers! I posted this just to take a break of my usual posts and see what kind of comments would I get. I didn't say much about the situation but I'll say more...

We've known each other for about 12 years. Now we live about 150km appart. She is unemployed and I got something for her here for about at least 20 to 30 days. That's why she's moving in temporarily.

She practically knows everythoing about me and I about her. Although I didn't say much Sandycane was very perceptive...

Sandycane wrote:
From a woman's perspective, I would advise playing hard to get. The OP stated she was being stubborn or, has some kind of dogma which is causing her inhibitions...not that she is totally disgusted by him.

Play hard to get. Be nice but, treat her like a buddy and flirt with other women in her presence. If there is a chance, she'll let you know by her pissy attitude and jealousy.

If this doesn't work, she may be a lesbian and you'll have to go the hooker route to get some relief.

I should do that! I'm so stupid sometimes because I really melt before a woman that I like... I guess I'm just a romantic asshole... who can't control himself...hey maybe that's my problem... I don't do any schemes... I didn't want to resort to a hooker... but if my fasting lasts much longer I guess I will have to do that! Problem is I really don't want a one night stand...

Sandycane, no she isn't totaly disgusted by me... You're right about that....

Are you talking about reading the book, 'Men are from Mars...'? I read it a while ago, didn't like it, can't recall why...I think the author was being a bit  male chauvinistic, maybe? There were some good parts, though.

Here's something else to think about:

She is unemployed and you found her some work. She hasn't 'accepted' you before now...if you come on to her now, she may think you are expecting a favor in return for the favor you are doing for her (finding work). In a way, you would be paying for the favor. She may feel obligated to you for the favor and accept you out of a sense of gratitude. I don't think you want that, do you?

Under the circumstances, I would stick with the playing hard to get strategy. If it works and she comes on to you, hold your ground and don't give in to your feelings. Tell her you just wanted her there to help her out. She should really respect you for this and if she has romantic feelings for you at all now, they would only get stronger if you keep your pants on while she is in the same room with you.

You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain by playing it this way.

I can't stand game-playing in a relationship but, still, there are some rules that, if followed, will get you a better chance of success. For some reason, the human animal wants most the thing it can't have and the harder one works to get something, the more precious it is to them.

Good luck, you seem like a decent guy who deserves a nice girl. Don't settle for anything less...I was joking about the hooker.

 

'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein


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You know Tera

 

why not just go out of your way to have a bloody good time. Do some fun things and expect nothing but friendship in return. If that mutual pixie-dust stuff is going to happen between you two it will happen without you worrying about it. In the meantime enjoy hanging out with your mate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Teralek wrote:Lol! thank you

Teralek wrote:

Lol! thank you for your answers! I posted this just to take a break of my usual posts and see what kind of comments would I get. I didn't say much about the situation but I'll say more...

We've known each other for about 12 years. Now we live about 150km appart. She is unemployed and I got something for her here for about at least 20 to 30 days. That's why she's moving in temporarily.

She practically knows everythoing about me and I about her. Although I didn't say much Sandycane was very perceptive...

Sandycane wrote:
From a woman's perspective, I would advise playing hard to get. The OP stated she was being stubborn or, has some kind of dogma which is causing her inhibitions...not that she is totally disgusted by him.

Play hard to get. Be nice but, treat her like a buddy and flirt with other women in her presence. If there is a chance, she'll let you know by her pissy attitude and jealousy.

If this doesn't work, she may be a lesbian and you'll have to go the hooker route to get some relief.

I should do that! I'm so stupid sometimes because I really melt before a woman that I like... I guess I'm just a romantic asshole... who can't control himself...hey maybe that's my problem... I don't do any schemes... I didn't want to resort to a hooker... but if my fasting lasts much longer I guess I will have to do that! Problem is I really don't want a one night stand...

Sandycane, no she isn't totaly disgusted by me... You're right about that.

Anonymouse wrote:

Teralek wrote:
..and her mind still live in certain dogmas and false paradigms...

Lemme guess, "no sex before marriage" ?

No, but it's something similar to that, I'll not get to further details...

Brian! You're absolutely right! I can't even tell you how right you are! I wasn't looking for advice, as I didn't even ask any questions... I was just talking... Problem is that I'm having dificulty finding that "reality":

Brian37 wrote:
The reality is that if someone loves you, they will show you, if they are not interested, no amount of throwing yourself at them will change that.

Why is this I don't know... it's kind of a big mystery to me, even bigger than God! Lol!

I'm not in love with anyone right now (thank God!)... But I knew something today that made me very upset and mad at myself. I knew that a friend of mine that I liked about one year ago, has been with another person... I got very jelous about this! I shouldn't be! This got me mad at myself! She treated me very bad at the time... I forgave her, we still speak to each other... what I don't understand is why I was jelous of this! Damn! I'm so stupid!

Luminon! I'm going to read your email now! Thanks!

This is what I am getting at. Jealousy, is a human emotion, but as natural as it may be, it is NOT a mature emotion. It reflects childish insecurity.

You can only control yourself, other people are not your property. If you don't like what someone else is doing, once you have expressed it, if they want to work with you, they will, but if they don't, then it is up to you to move on. Do not torture yourself trying to get people to do what you want. Consent, and mutual cooperation are the only thing that can make a relationship healthy. Guilt trips don't work and will drive a person further away from you, not closer.

I am 43, I have dated, been married and now divorced. I will not get into a relationship just because I might find someone attractive. There are far worse things in life than being single and alone. And the jealous women I did date, I didn't date long. They sucked the life out of me and their paranoia was childish and insecure.

One thing I loved about my x-wife is that we were never jealous of each other. I never worried about her talking to other men, and she never got offended if my head turned to look at a hot chick. What was important was that at the end of the day we were together and that was what was important. We parted for other reasons. She still wanted to conquer the world and I was ready to settle down in one place.

But even for those reasons she left me, it would have been selfish of me to try to make her feel something she didn't feel and do something she didn't want to do.

Maturity is being adult enough to realize that when two people are not on the same page, then the best thing to do is to move on. Trying to force a square peg into a round whole over your own insecurities will do nothing but bring you needless pain, including being treated like a doormat.

 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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Brian37 wrote:This is what I

Brian37 wrote:

This is what I am getting at. Jealousy, is a human emotion, but as natural as it may be, it is NOT a mature emotion. It reflects childish insecurity.

You can only control yourself, other people are not your property. If you don't like what someone else is doing, once you have expressed it, if they want to work with you, they will, but if they don't, then it is up to you to move on. Do not torture yourself trying to get people to do what you want. Consent, and mutual cooperation are the only thing that can make a relationship healthy. Guilt trips don't work and will drive a person further away from you, not closer.

I am 43, I have dated, been married and now divorced. I will not get into a relationship just because I might find someone attractive. There are far worse things in life than being single and alone. And the jealous women I did date, I didn't date long. They sucked the life out of me and their paranoia was childish and insecure.

One thing I loved about my x-wife is that we were never jealous of each other. I never worried about her talking to other men, and she never got offended if my head turned to look at a hot chick. What was important was that at the end of the day we were together and that was what was important. We parted for other reasons. She still wanted to conquer the world and I was ready to settle down in one place.

But even for those reasons she left me, it would have been selfish of me to try to make her feel something she didn't feel and do something she didn't want to do.

Maturity is being adult enough to realize that when two people are not on the same page, then the best thing to do is to move on. Trying to force a square peg into a round whole over your own insecurities will do nothing but bring you needless pain, including being treated like a doormat.

 

I agree 100% with you on this.

I've been single for about 7 years and am loving every minute of it.  I'm not looking for anyone but, if I happened to meet someone worth investing my time in, they would first have to love house cats and second, pass the 'litter box test'.   I've done all the compromising I'm going to do for this lifetime.

'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein


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Sandycane wrote:Brian37

Sandycane wrote:

Brian37 wrote:

Sandycane wrote:

From a woman's perspective, I would advise playing hard to get. The OP stated she was being stubborn or, has some kind of dogma which is causing her inhibitions...not that she is totally disgusted by him.

Play hard to get. Be nice but, treat her like a buddy and flirt with other women in her presence. If there is a chance, she'll let you know by her pissy attitude and jealousy.

If this doesn't work, she may be a lesbian and you'll have to go the hooker route to get some relief.

Fuck that. I hate jealous people. I dated a jealous woman, it was oppressive and I finally broke that shit off. Jealousy doesn't show love, it shows insecurity.

True, jealously does not prove love BUT, it would let him know if she is at all interested. Also there are degrees of jealousy and various actions that bring it out. If I were interested in a man and he was playing hard to get and flirting with other women in my face, I would most definitely be jealous and I'd sure let him know it.

The woman you dated who was jealous could have had good reason to react that way...or, she might have been the obsessive/possessive type and was jealous through no fault of your own.

I am very cynical of any type of jealousy. As I said, all ranges of human emotions are natural, but that doesn't mean the person is mature enough to handle their emotions.

Not once did I ever consider having sex with other women, when I was dating my wife and married to her. But I would have dumped her in a heartbeat if she had pulled the same shit those prior pulled with me. I see nothing wrong with looking and even fantasizing about others. My wife would watch porn with me. The only thing about it she didn't like was that she complained that most of the men, compared to the women, were ugly. But she didn't think I didn't love her because I found someone's tits or ass hot.

I was very happy with her and it was her choice to leave me, not mine, and she left me for other reasons and I had to do the right thing and let her be happy, even though I wasn't part of her future.

I guess I am the type that doesn't like games. If you and I were dating, for example, and I we were at a party and I started talking to other women, and you reacted to that with jealousy, I would dump you, PERIOD.

I can find someone hot and not act on it. I am not going to feel guilty about what my eyes see and punish myself for natural thoughts. If I change my mind about who I am dating and want to start dating someone else, I will tell the person I am dating and end it.

But again, I loved my x-wife, and the biggest reason was her self confidence and security in herself. As the old saying goes, "It is ok to look at the menu, you just cant eat off of it".

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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I'm going to demonstrate the

I'm going to demonstrate the difference between men and women...and you probably won't like it...

Brian37 wrote:

I am very cynical of any type of jealousy. As I said, all ranges of human emotions are natural, but that doesn't mean the person is mature enough to handle their emotions.

Not once did I ever consider having sex with other women, when I was dating my wife and married to her. But I would have dumped her in a heartbeat if she had pulled the same shit those prior pulled with me. I see nothing wrong with looking and even fantasizing about others. My wife would watch porn with me. The only thing about it she didn't like was that she complained that most of the men, compared to the women, were ugly. But she didn't think I didn't love her because I found someone's tits or ass hot.

I dumped my ex husband because of his porn habit. I find human beings who fornicate like rabbits in public and those who enjoy watching it, extremely revolting. It's a fact that men and women are sexually stimulated by totally different means, with men, it's more physical and determined by the senses. With women, it's more an emotional thing and originates in the mind. Where you are stimulated by tits and ass, I am stimulated by a sense of trust, tenderness, strength of character and dependability. I think the majority of women who say they enjoy watching porn with their mate do so simply to please their mate and not for any sexual stimulation at all. I'll bet there are very few women who purchase porn mags and videos for the sole purpose of masturbation compared to men who do.

Another problem with porn is the fact that thoughts lead to actions. When you see strange tits and ass, you fantasize about being with strange tits and ass. To me, there is very little difference between fantasizing about being with another woman and actually being with one - you are with the other woman (if only in your mind) and not with me. If a man needs to look at strange tits and ass to get a hard on to make love to me, I don't want him. Period.

Quote:
I was very happy with her and it was her choice to leave me, not mine, and she left me for other reasons and I had to do the right thing and let her be happy, even though I wasn't part of her future.

I guess I am the type that doesn't like games. If you and I were dating, for example, and I we were at a party and I started talking to other women, and you reacted to that with jealousy, I would dump you, PERIOD.

It would depend on the situation - too many variables to have just one response. If it were a family gathering and you were talking to a married friend of the family, no problem. If it were a business party and you were talking to a client or customer, no problem. If it were a party in a bar, and you were talking to a single stranger wearing a revealing dress, you would both be fishing and I would leave your ass there, go home and pack your things and put them on the front porch.

Quote:
I can find someone hot and not act on it. I am not going to feel guilty about what my eyes see and punish myself for natural thoughts. If I change my mind about who I am dating and want to start dating someone else, I will tell the person I am dating and end it.

But again, I loved my x-wife, and the biggest reason was her self confidence and security in herself. As the old saying goes, "It is ok to look at the menu, you just cant eat off of it".

Appreciating a beautiful woman is one thing, fantasizing about screwing her is putting that thought into action, which, imo, leads to trouble in a relationship.

How do you like me know?

'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein


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Sandycane wrote:I'm going to

Sandycane wrote:

I'm going to demonstrate the difference between men and women...and you probably won't like it...

Brian37 wrote:

I am very cynical of any type of jealousy. As I said, all ranges of human emotions are natural, but that doesn't mean the person is mature enough to handle their emotions.

Not once did I ever consider having sex with other women, when I was dating my wife and married to her. But I would have dumped her in a heartbeat if she had pulled the same shit those prior pulled with me. I see nothing wrong with looking and even fantasizing about others. My wife would watch porn with me. The only thing about it she didn't like was that she complained that most of the men, compared to the women, were ugly. But she didn't think I didn't love her because I found someone's tits or ass hot.

I dumped my ex husband because of his porn habit. I find human beings who fornicate like rabbits in public and those who enjoy watching it, extremely revolting. It's a fact that men and women are sexually stimulated by totally different means, with men, it's more physical and determined by the senses. With women, it's more an emotional thing and originates in the mind. Where you are stimulated by tits and ass, I am stimulated by a sense of trust, tenderness, strength of character and dependability. I think the majority of women who say they enjoy watching porn with their mate do so simply to please their mate and not for any sexual stimulation at all. I'll bet there are very few women who purchase porn mags and videos for the sole purpose of masturbation compared to men who do.

Another problem with porn is the fact that thoughts lead to actions. When you see strange tits and ass, you fantasize about being with strange tits and ass. To me, there is very little difference between fantasizing about being with another woman and actually being with one - you are with the other woman (if only in your mind) and not with me. If a man needs to look at strange tits and ass to get a hard on to make love to me, I don't want him. Period.

Quote:
I was very happy with her and it was her choice to leave me, not mine, and she left me for other reasons and I had to do the right thing and let her be happy, even though I wasn't part of her future.

I guess I am the type that doesn't like games. If you and I were dating, for example, and I we were at a party and I started talking to other women, and you reacted to that with jealousy, I would dump you, PERIOD.

It would depend on the situation - too many variables to have just one response. If it were a family gathering and you were talking to a married friend of the family, no problem. If it were a business party and you were talking to a client or customer, no problem. If it were a party in a bar, and you were talking to a single stranger wearing a revealing dress, you would both be fishing and I would leave your ass there, go home and pack your things and put them on the front porch.

Quote:
I can find someone hot and not act on it. I am not going to feel guilty about what my eyes see and punish myself for natural thoughts. If I change my mind about who I am dating and want to start dating someone else, I will tell the person I am dating and end it.

But again, I loved my x-wife, and the biggest reason was her self confidence and security in herself. As the old saying goes, "It is ok to look at the menu, you just cant eat off of it".

Appreciating a beautiful woman is one thing, fantasizing about screwing her is putting that thought into action, which, imo, leads to trouble in a relationship.

How do you like me know?

The only problem with acting on it is not that you want to act on it, but HOW you go about doing it. If you find yourself really wanting to go beyond merely looking, then the right thing to do is tell the one you are with and break it off so that you can pursue this new interest.

Those who "cheat" and I hate that word, which is a separate topic by itself. But those who do that are the ones who fear the honesty with their partner.  The dishonesty is the issue, not the desire itself.

If you really want something that bad then you should be honest with the person you are with, if you don't have the moral maturity to do such, then you shouldn't be in any relationship in the first place. LYING IS THE ISSUE.

Lying to your partner shows a lack of maturity and insecurity. You cannot fear losing someone and it shows a lack of respect to them if you are willing to lie. My wife knew it would hurt me by telling me she didn't love me any more. If she had feared that because of some utopia script society sold her, she would have "cheated" on me. But because she did the right thing, no matter how much it hurt, the honesty was far better and in the end we were both better off.

You are mistaking the act of sex being the crime when the lying is what is immoral.

How do I like you now? I wouldn't date you, that is for sure. You might be a nice person, but I think dwelling in utopias is unhealthy.

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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Quote:I dumped my ex husband

Quote:
I dumped my ex husband because of his porn habit. I find human beings who fornicate like rabbits in public and those who enjoy watching it, extremely revolting.

You had problems with your husband that had nothing to do with the porn. He could have had another escape to avoid contact with you. Other women have dumped their husbands for working too much, or hanging out with their guy friends too much, or loving alcohol too much.

Don't blame it on the porn, that is just a symptom of bigger problems that you had before it became your scapegoat. I am not saying he is blameless, I am saying neither of you sought a solution together. He wrongfully used the porn to avoid dealing with the real problems , it could have been any addiction he could have used to escape.

Lots of women, and apparently you too, find sex yucky. But other women don't. I cant speak for you as to why, or nor am I saying you are wrong. I would merely say that your opinion of sex is yours, nothing more.

I am sorry you had a bad relationship with your husband, but that does not make people who like sex or porn all bad all the time. The only time I find sex bad is when it is done out of force and or manipulation.

But just because you find porn gross doesn't mean it should be outlawed or that it is all bad all the time. I don't like broccoli, so I don't eat it.

 

 

 

 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


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Nice! Pretty controversial

Nice! Pretty controversial comments here!

Sandycane wrote:
She is unemployed and you found her some work. She hasn't 'accepted' you before now...if you come on to her now, she may think you are expecting a favor in return for the favor you are doing for her (finding work). In a way, you would be paying for the favor. She may feel obligated to you for the favor and accept you out of a sense of gratitude. I don't think you want that, do you?

No, I don't want that. In fact I'm not expecting anything... That way I wont get disapointed. Whatever happens is always a gain. We've known each other long enough to realize where the limits are.

Sandycane wrote:
Good luck, you seem like a decent guy who deserves a nice girl. Don't settle for anything less...

You know, I'm going to start counting how many times I've been told this... it must be a record! Surely, I've been told this by tens of girls... For one this makes me feel good but on the other hand I can't help but to feel disapointed to hear this. Anyway, I guess I thank you...

Sandycane wrote:
I can't stand game-playing in a relationship but, still, there are some rules that, if followed, will get you a better chance of success.

Translation: You can do schemes as long as I don't figure them out... If I ever find out you're game-playing, you are out mister! 

Sandycane wrote:
For some reason, the human animal wants most the thing it can't have
Tell me about it! 

Brian I don't know if you understood me correcly... but I totally agree with you. That's why I got mad at myself for being jelous of a person that I thought I was not interested anymore, just because she's been in bed with another man!... We can't avoid our feelings, they are instinctive, but we can control them and train them... well maybe this friend who's comming over can make me forget all about it...

Sandycane wrote:
 I'm not looking for anyone but, if I happened to meet someone worth investing my time in, they would first have to love house cats and second, pass the 'litter box test'

I love house cats. What is the litter box test? 

Brian37 wrote:
Not once did I ever consider having sex with other women, when I was dating my wife and married to her. But I would have dumped her in a heartbeat if she had pulled the same shit those prior pulled with me. I see nothing wrong with looking and even fantasizing about others. My wife would watch porn with me. The only thing about it she didn't like was that she complained that most of the men, compared to the women, were ugly. But she didn't think I didn't love her because I found someone's tits or ass hot.

I was very happy with her and it was her choice to leave me, not mine, and she left me for other reasons and I had to do the right thing and let her be happy, even though I wasn't part of her future.

I guess I am the type that doesn't like games. If you and I were dating, for example, and I we were at a party and I started talking to other women, and you reacted to that with jealousy, I would dump you, PERIOD.

 

Brian, you have my respect. I like honesty! And you seem an honest guy! Of course finding other tits or asses hot is not love! You seem a brave and adult man. But man, she has a point, I've seen this happen a lot: inticing other people jelosy can make miracles, game playing works often. Although I'm like you, I can't do that, I think it's wrong and I'm not very good at it... Your wife found women more beautiful than men?!

Brian37 wrote:
The only problem with acting on it is not that you want to act on it, but HOW you go about doing it. If you find yourself really wanting to go beyond merely looking, then the right thing to do is tell the one you are with and break it off so that you can pursue this new interest.

Those who "cheat" and I hate that word, which is a separate topic by itself. But those who do that are the ones who fear the honesty with their partner. The dishonesty is the issue, not the desire itself.

If you really want something that bad then you should be honest with the person you are with, if you don't have the moral maturity to do such, then you shouldn't be in any relationship in the first place. LYING IS THE ISSUE.

You Rock! 

Sandycane wrote:
It's a fact that men and women are sexually stimulated by totally different means, with men, it's more physical and determined by the senses. With women, it's more an emotional thing and originates in the mind. Where you are stimulated by tits and ass, I am stimulated by a sense of trust, tenderness, strength of character and dependability.

You women seem to put this forward all too often... Although it may seem true it is not... it's an exaggeration. Everyone has their sexes in their heads...

I am really, really tired of seeing women around me who had the chance of getting the right guy and end up with the wrong one. When things don't work out (very often) they put the guilt on all men being the same, they never assume any self mistake for poor intelligence when choosing a guy. They are too much emotional and get tricked by this. Women hormones control them much more than they think. This is proven by their blindness of some guys they date... You women also have a problem and it's only up to you to figure out how to overcome it.

Sandycane wrote:
I think the majority of women who say they enjoy watching porn with their mate do so simply to please their mate and not for any sexual stimulation at all.

I don't agree

Sandycane wrote:
Another problem with porn is the fact that thoughts lead to actions. When you see strange tits and ass, you fantasize about being with strange tits and ass.

Not true... really. Most men only use porn just to get stimulation when they can't have it by other means. But I agree that the choosing of the type of porn a man watches defines his sexual character.

Sandycane wrote:
To me, there is very little difference between fantasizing about being with another woman and actually being with one 

This is naive. Everyone thinks everything! That doesn't mean a lack of love or interest for the other. Human thought is chaotic. Women also fantasize with other men. Often these fantasies are just that, innocent and even beneficial... only when this fantasy becomes an obsession things can really go wrong and you'd need to put your relationship into perspective.

 

 

______________________________________________________________
"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness"

"All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force... We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter." (Max Planck)

"the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor byproduct of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here." Paul Davies


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Brian37 wrote:The only

Brian37 wrote:

The only problem with acting on it is not that you want to act on it, but HOW you go about doing it. If you find yourself really wanting to go beyond merely looking, then the right thing to do is tell the one you are with and break it off so that you can pursue this new interest.

Agreed...but, if you hadn't been actively looking in the first place, you wouldn't have the problem.

Quote:
Those who "cheat" and I hate that word, which is a separate topic by itself. But those who do that are the ones who fear the honesty with their partner.  The dishonesty is the issue, not the desire itself.

If you really want something that bad then you should be honest with the person you are with, if you don't have the moral maturity to do such, then you shouldn't be in any relationship in the first place. LYING IS THE ISSUE.

Lying to your partner shows a lack of maturity and insecurity. You cannot fear losing someone and it shows a lack of respect to them if you are willing to lie. My wife knew it would hurt me by telling me she didn't love me any more. If she had feared that because of some utopia script society sold her, she would have "cheated" on me. But because she did the right thing, no matter how much it hurt, the honesty was far better and in the end we were both better off.

Agree.

Quote:
You are mistaking the act of sex being the crime when the lying is what is immoral.
Disagree. I have no problem separating sex and lying. The problem is, when you are in a monogamous relationship and you fantasize about another person, you are setting the stage for failure in the relationship, imo. If you are not satisfied with the one you are with, you need to break it off and find someone who does satisfy you. Two people can be 100% compatible on a mental level but, if they are not happy in bed together, it won't last. By fantasizing about other women, you are telling me you are not satisfied with me, so to speak, and I know you are still looking for someone who better satisfies your needs and desires.

Quote:
How do I like you now? I wouldn't date you, that is for sure. You might be a nice person, but I think dwelling in utopias is unhealthy.

The feelings are mutual - your utopia is your porn collection.

'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein


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Teralek wrote:Nice! Pretty

Teralek wrote:

Nice! Pretty controversial comments here!

Sandycane wrote:
 I'm not looking for anyone but, if I happened to meet someone worth investing my time in, they would first have to love house cats and second, pass the 'litter box test'

I love house cats. What is the litter box test? 

You made me laugh so hard!!! The litter box test is: I have 7 house cats and 3 double-wide litter boxes by the back door. If you can't make it past the boxes without making a face, you fail.  

Quote:
Brian, you have my respect. I like honesty! And you seem an honest guy! Of course finding other tits or asses hot is not love! You seem a brave and adult man. But man, she has a point, I've seen this happen a lot: inticing other people jelosy can make miracles, game playing works often. Although I'm like you, I can't do that, I think it's wrong and I'm not very good at it... Your wife found women more beautiful than men?!
My mother (87) does. I wish I had a $ for every time she said men's bodies are ugly (she's talking about the privates of course). Where as men zoom in on tits and ass, I like a square jaw, beefy arms and tight abs...or, the DeNiro/Pacino type. The privates area is irrelevant to me.

Quote:
I am really, really tired of seeing women around me who had the chance of getting the right guy and end up with the wrong one. When things don't work out (very often) they put the guilt on all men being the same, they never assume any self mistake for poor intelligence when choosing a guy. They are too much emotional and get tricked by this. Women hormones control them much more than they think. This is proven by their blindness of some guys they date... You women also have a problem and it's only up to you to figure out how to overcome it.
Good point and I have been guilty of this in the past. I'm attracted to the 'bad boy' type. NOW, however, and mind you I am post menopause, I don't let my hormones (whatever is left of them ) rule my life anymore.

Quote:
This is naive. Everyone thinks everything! That doesn't mean a lack of love or interest for the other. Human thought is chaotic. Women also fantasize with other men. Often these fantasies are just that, innocent and even beneficial... only when this fantasy becomes an obsession things can really go wrong and you'd need to put your relationship into perspective.
True and yes, I am naive at times. Flipping through a Playboy on occasion is one thing but having a porn mag and video library or, taking your lunch hour in the Adult video store every day (as my ex did) is another.

'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein


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Sooooo, did your girl show

Sooooo, did your girl show up yesterday or, is it next Monday?


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Sandycane wrote:Sooooo, did

Sandycane wrote:

Sooooo, did your girl show up yesterday or, is it next Monday?

She on her way now, she must be here any second... I'll keep you posted... LOL

I guess I wouldn't pass the litter box test... I'm much too young for you anyways 

By The way you talk you seem a younger person!

Well... and I guess, I admit, you had a little obsessed husband...

______________________________________________________________
"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness"

"All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force... We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter." (Max Planck)

"the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor byproduct of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here." Paul Davies


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Sandycane wrote: Sandycane

Sandycane wrote:

Sandycane wrote:
 I'm not looking for anyone but, if I happened to meet someone worth investing my time in, they would first have to love house cats and second, pass the 'litter box test'

teralek wrote:
I love house cats. What is the litter box test? 

You made me laugh so hard!!! The litter box test is: I have 7 house cats and 3 double-wide litter boxes by the back door. If you can't make it past the boxes without making a face, you fail.  

 

Having owned my fair share of cats, I would have to know how often you scoop the poop before I could speculate on whether I made a face or not. 

 

Sandycane wrote:

Quote:
Brian, you have my respect. I like honesty! And you seem an honest guy! Of course finding other tits or asses hot is not love! You seem a brave and adult man. But man, she has a point, I've seen this happen a lot: inticing other people jelosy can make miracles, game playing works often. Although I'm like you, I can't do that, I think it's wrong and I'm not very good at it... Your wife found women more beautiful than men?!
My mother (87) does. I wish I had a $ for every time she said men's bodies are ugly (she's talking about the privates of course). Where as men zoom in on tits and ass, I like a square jaw, beefy arms and tight abs...or, the DeNiro/Pacino type. The privates area is irrelevant to me.

 

I have to express my opinion - porn is funny.  Hysterical.  No one in the entire world looks like that or acts like that - not without some cosmetic surgery and a lot of cheesy play acting.  Sex is funny.  My ex used to get so uptight when I started laughing.  My now husband laughs and teases with me and gets turned on by the laughter.  If you aren't laughing at those porn movies, I want nothing to do with you.

Also, as my husband says, he ain't dead yet.  Looking is no big deal.  And he is a very gregarious guy - if I got uptight at him talking and flirting with the young pretty ones, I'd have to get uptight with him and the old gnarly ones as well.  He also chats with the guys though he doesn't flirt with them.  It was hard at first since I was very depressed and had low self esteem.  My ex left me for another woman (who dumped him in less than a year - yes!).  And I was very hurt when my now husband would look at, talk with or enjoy anyone else's company.  But you know, I just watched him and over time I realized he just enjoyed people of all sizes, shapes, genders, ....... and not ever did he desire to come home to anyone else but me.  So I let all that jealousy go and now I just sigh and go find a comfortable place to sit and wait for him to get done with his conversations.

 

Sandycane wrote:

Quote:
I am really, really tired of seeing women around me who had the chance of getting the right guy and end up with the wrong one. When things don't work out (very often) they put the guilt on all men being the same, they never assume any self mistake for poor intelligence when choosing a guy. They are too much emotional and get tricked by this. Women hormones control them much more than they think. This is proven by their blindness of some guys they date... You women also have a problem and it's only up to you to figure out how to overcome it.
Good point and I have been guilty of this in the past. I'm attracted to the 'bad boy' type. NOW, however, and mind you I am post menopause, I don't let my hormones (whatever is left of them ) rule my life anymore.

 

I don't think it is hormones.  I blame Harlequin romances and such trash.  Seems to me a lot of women think they have to have a guy hanging around they can label "boyfriend".  They will do anything they have to to keep the s.o.b. around.  Most of them I've talked to don't enjoy the sex they get - so if it was hormones they would dump him for someone who has a clue. 

I have seen some studies that support women wanting to hang with the bad boys for fun.  But most women seek the dependable types for long term relationships.  Many of us who try to have long term relationships with the bad boy types are often unhappy and disappointed.  It all depends on what you want - throwing up in the bar/pub/saloon/cantina parking lot every other night - marry a bad boy.  A home, bills paid on time, a glass of wine with dinner and not much more - marry a sweet man.  I prefer the sweet man I wound up with this time around.

 

Sandycane wrote:

Quote:
This is naive. Everyone thinks everything! That doesn't mean a lack of love or interest for the other. Human thought is chaotic. Women also fantasize with other men. Often these fantasies are just that, innocent and even beneficial... only when this fantasy becomes an obsession things can really go wrong and you'd need to put your relationship into perspective.
True and yes, I am naive at times. Flipping through a Playboy on occasion is one thing but having a porn mag and video library or, taking your lunch hour in the Adult video store every day (as my ex did) is another.

 

Whenever a desire becomes an obsession, there is the probable slide into dysfunctional.  It is one thing to like the occasional porn, another entirely to not be able to get it up without the porn.  Or to substitute fantasy for real person interactions.

-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.

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Make sure and give us a play

Make sure and give us a play by play.  Use your phone to post once every 60 seconds.  Maybe a Twitter feed Sticking out tongue

 

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mellestad wrote:Make sure

mellestad wrote:

Make sure and give us a play by play.  Use your phone to post once every 60 seconds.  Maybe a Twitter feed Sticking out tongue

 

NO hidden cameras though!!

This is too funny! Poor guy will never be able to get it up now with all of us watching and waiting for news of his progress!  

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Teralek wrote:Sandycane

Teralek wrote:

Sandycane wrote:

Sooooo, did your girl show up yesterday or, is it next Monday?

She on her way now, she must be here any second... I'll keep you posted... LOL

If we don't hear back from you in a day or two, I'll assume everything is going according to plan!

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I guess I wouldn't pass the litter box test... I'm much too young for you anyways 
Not many would...and cj, the poop is scooped every day and really doesn't smell 'bad'...but, you can't help but notice it.

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By The way you talk you seem a younger person!
I don't know how to reply to this one! The calendar says I'm in my 50's but my mind and body tell me I'm not that old. I look as good as I did at 20 but, I'm a lot smarter now.

Quote:
Well... and I guess, I admit, you had a little obsessed husband...

Yes and he is the last person on this earth I want to waste time talking about...funny coincidence though, Just 15 minutes ago I received a call from a collection agency asking for HIM. I haven't seen or, heard from him in 25 years. I told the caller where his parents live (in TX) and last I heard, he was in CO. and wished them luck in finding him.

 I hate that SOB.  

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Sandycane wrote: The

Sandycane wrote:

 The problem is, when you are in a monogamous relationship and you fantasize about another person, you are setting the stage for failure in the relationship, imo. If you are not satisfied with the one you are with, you need to break it off and find someone who does satisfy you. Two people can be 100% compatible on a mental level but, if they are not happy in bed together, it won't last. By fantasizing about other women, you are telling me you are not satisfied with me, so to speak, and I know you are still looking for someone who better satisfies your needs and desires.

 

I've always thought that the idea of monogamy should be listed as one of the irrational precepts. First of all, I believe it is impossible for any male (and probably most females) to avoid at one point or another fantasizing about another person. Of course, one can always lie about it but I have always thought honesty was the most important basis for any relationship. (Yeah, I was the asshole husband who was willing to answer "Yes" to the question "Does this dress make me look fat?" )

 

But on a more basic level it has always seemed absurd to me to expect one person to fulfill all of your needs for the rest of your life. A relationship isn't, or at least shouldn't be, based solely on sex. So if the person you have a relationship with is able to be your best friend, the one you can count on, someone who makes you happy and someone you enjoy living with, why lose everything over sex???

 

The bottom line is your partner might not have the same sex drive or simply might go through a time where they don't feel like having sex. So what do you do? Force them? Guilt them? Or not have sex? I can tell you, I am not a pleasant guy to be around when I haven't had sex for a couple of weeks. If you or your partner satisfies their sexual needs elsewhere, why does it have to hurt the rest of your relationship?

 

I know a ton of guys who are married and are constantly bitching about the lack of sex or are cheating. I think that is more harmful to a relationship over time than simply being honest with each other about what needs can be or can't be met in the relationship and what desires each person has. The person who is best at getting you off might not be the person you want to have a relationship with.  

 

Also, variety is good. We don't expect people to eat only their spouses cooking or to only wear clothes picked out by their spouse but when it comes to sex we are expected to have sex with one person indefinitely. If you have the occasional sex outside of the relationship the sex in the relationship will be a lot better. When my wife wanted to have sex with another guy I didn't care. At the end of the day, I knew she was coming home with me and vice versa because we offered each other a lot more than just sex.

I just usually go with my own taste. If I like something, and it happens to be against the law, well, then I might have a problem.- Hunter S. Thompson


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Beyond Saving,Your reply

Beyond Saving,

Your reply seems logical enough and on a certain level, I can agree with you but, in reality, where (sometimes illogical) human emotions are involved, personally, I can not operate in a relationship that way. I guess I'm old fashioned that way.

Even though I do believe that the human animal isn't designed to be monogamous, I feel that we should try. Everything in our modern society has become disposable. I don't think that relationships should be. If you care enough for (love) another person to make some kind of commitment to them, there should also be trust and I think that trust should include knowing that your partner is going to be faithful.

Now, there are circumstances where sex outside of the relationship can be agreed on - like if one person is an invalid. Bottom line: if both partners agree with the activity, then it's no ones business but theirs. What is right for one couple is not necessarily right for another. The trick is finding the right partner who shares your beliefs....and knowing when it's time to move on when one or the other changes.

'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein


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Sandycane wrote:If you care

Sandycane wrote:

If you care enough for (love) another person to make some kind of commitment to them, there should also be trust and I think that trust should include knowing that your partner is going to be faithful.

Only if promised. And if you can't keep the promise to be monogamous you should probably discuss that before getting too serious. I think it is overrated but I also plan on never getting married again and my ex has instructions to bash me over the head if I ever discuss getting married again. Getting a divorce is a paperwork nightmare even when it is friendly.    

 

Sandycane wrote:

Now, there are circumstances where sex outside of the relationship can be agreed on - like if one person is an invalid. Bottom line: if both partners agree with the activity, then it's no ones business but theirs. What is right for one couple is not necessarily right for another. The trick is finding the right partner who shares your beliefs....and knowing when it's time to move on when one or the other changes.

Right, right and right. Now tell that to my ex-in laws who have now banned me from holiday gatherings even though my ex-wife and I are still really good friends/lovers. 

 

I just think American society tends to put too much emphasis on the "traditional" family of mother, father, 2.5 kids and a dog. And the belief that when a couple gets a divorce they should be at each others throats trying to kill each other, which I am dealing with on both my side and my ex's side of the family. I think too many people try to force themselves to fit into that paradigm because it is what is expected rather than whether or not it is what is best for their own relationship/happiness, I fell into that trap and it made me miserable, fortunately my wife was on the same wavelength. I say do what makes you happy and let society gripe and complain about it.

I just usually go with my own taste. If I like something, and it happens to be against the law, well, then I might have a problem.- Hunter S. Thompson


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This is all very well, Sandy,

Sandycane wrote:

I dumped my ex husband because of his porn habit. I find human beings who fornicate like rabbits in public and those who enjoy watching it, extremely revolting. It's a fact that men and women are sexually stimulated by totally different means, with men, it's more physical and determined by the senses. With women, it's more an emotional thing and originates in the mind. Where you are stimulated by tits and ass, I am stimulated by a sense of trust, tenderness, strength of character and dependability. I think the majority of women who say they enjoy watching porn with their mate do so simply to please their mate and not for any sexual stimulation at all. I'll bet there are very few women who purchase porn mags and videos for the sole purpose of masturbation compared to men who do.

Another problem with porn is the fact that thoughts lead to actions. When you see strange tits and ass, you fantasize about being with strange tits and ass. To me, there is very little difference between fantasizing about being with another woman and actually being with one - you are with the other woman (if only in your mind) and not with me. If a man needs to look at strange tits and ass to get a hard on to make love to me, I don't want him. Period.

 

But male and female sexuality are not the same things. I left both my marriage and my last long relationship - the latter 9 years on and off - because there was barely any sex happening at all. The idea a woman can ask a man to devote his relentless sexuality to her complete disinterest and even mockery is quite beyond me. In my last relationship my partner would consent to sex after 6 weeks or more and only when the issue had caused a fight and the resulting intimacy felt like a disgusting imposition. By the end of that relationship I'd retreated so far into myself I couldn't look at my partner naked and had forgotten how to kiss.

It's far better to be single and able to please yourself in your own space without complaint or judgment than to be in a relationship that from a male perspective, is completely dysfunctional. I think if each gender could live in the other's skin and understand the biological imperatives involved we might get somewhere but that cannot be. I don't think some porn is a bad thing. Personally, I'm into still shots and my imagination. I've always wished for some one who could own that every day part of me completely but experience has taught me that's a pretty silly expectation for a man to have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Beyond Saving

Beyond Saving wrote:

Sandycane wrote:

If you care enough for (love) another person to make some kind of commitment to them, there should also be trust and I think that trust should include knowing that your partner is going to be faithful.

Only if promised. And if you can't keep the promise to be monogamous you should probably discuss that before getting too serious. I think it is overrated but I also plan on never getting married again and my ex has instructions to bash me over the head if I ever discuss getting married again. Getting a divorce is a paperwork nightmare even when it is friendly.   

Agreed 200% been there, done that 3 times! I also think marriage is a neanderthalish tradition whose time has come to be abolished...but, that's my opinion - now. I didn't feel that way 15 years ago. The whole idea of a knight in shining armor, a white gown and veil and a major production that costs as much as a new vehicle is absurd to me. 

Sandycane wrote:

Now, there are circumstances where sex outside of the relationship can be agreed on - like if one person is an invalid. Bottom line: if both partners agree with the activity, then it's no ones business but theirs. What is right for one couple is not necessarily right for another. The trick is finding the right partner who shares your beliefs....and knowing when it's time to move on when one or the other changes.

[quote Beyond saving]Right, right and right. Now tell that to my ex-in laws who have now banned me from holiday gatherings even though my ex-wife and I are still really good friends/lovers. 

   You've got a nice set up there. I wouldn't worry about the in-laws...

 

Quote:
I just think American society tends to put too much emphasis on the "traditional" family of mother, father, 2.5 kids and a dog. And the belief that when a couple gets a divorce they should be at each others throats trying to kill each other, which I am dealing with on both my side and my ex's side of the family. I think too many people try to force themselves to fit into that paradigm because it is what is expected rather than whether or not it is what is best for their own relationship/happiness, I fell into that trap and it made me miserable, fortunately my wife was on the same wavelength. I say do what makes you happy and let society gripe and complain about it.

Agreed!

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Atheistextremist

Atheistextremist wrote:

Sandycane wrote:

I dumped my ex husband because of his porn habit. I find human beings who fornicate like rabbits in public and those who enjoy watching it, extremely revolting. It's a fact that men and women are sexually stimulated by totally different means, with men, it's more physical and determined by the senses. With women, it's more an emotional thing and originates in the mind. Where you are stimulated by tits and ass, I am stimulated by a sense of trust, tenderness, strength of character and dependability. I think the majority of women who say they enjoy watching porn with their mate do so simply to please their mate and not for any sexual stimulation at all. I'll bet there are very few women who purchase porn mags and videos for the sole purpose of masturbation compared to men who do.

Another problem with porn is the fact that thoughts lead to actions. When you see strange tits and ass, you fantasize about being with strange tits and ass. To me, there is very little difference between fantasizing about being with another woman and actually being with one - you are with the other woman (if only in your mind) and not with me. If a man needs to look at strange tits and ass to get a hard on to make love to me, I don't want him. Period.

 

But male and female sexuality are not the same things.

I'm well aware of that. 

Quote:
I left both my marriage and my last long relationship - the latter 9 years on and off - because there was barely any sex happening at all. The idea a woman can ask a man to devote his relentless sexuality to her complete disinterest and even mockery is quite beyond me. In my last relationship my partner would consent to sex after 6 weeks or more and only when the issue had caused a fight and the resulting intimacy felt like a disgusting imposition. By the end of that relationship I'd retreated so far into myself I couldn't look at my partner naked and had forgotten how to kiss.
That's sad. Obviously, some people use sex as a bargaining chip or, reware/punishment and that's wrong. The pervert I mentioned earlier was obsessed with porn - even though we had good sex and often. It made no sense to me and it pissed me off to the point where I just wasn't willing to abide by it any more. Not only that, my (not his) then 8 year old daughter was my main concern.

Quote:
It's far better to be single and able to please yourself in your own space without complaint or judgment than to be in a relationship that from a male perspective, is completely dysfunctional.
And from a female perspective, I couldn't agree more.

 

Quote:
I think if each gender could live in the other's skin and understand the biological imperatives involved we might get somewhere but that cannot be.
God forbid!!!  I have no desire to know what it feels like to have something dangling between my legs!

Quote:
I don't think some porn is a bad thing. Personally, I'm into still shots and my imagination. I've always wished for some one who could own that every day part of me completely but experience has taught me that's a pretty silly expectation for a man to have.
I think if one partner refuses to (or, physically can not) satisfy the needs of the other (within reason), then the one in need is justified in seeking relief elsewhere...

The stash my ex had was hard core porn and it grosses me out. I suppose any kind of porn causes a knee-jerk reaction with me because of my experience with him. I also realize that it is not all hard core and gross. There's just something about seeing two strangers fornicating that disturbs me.

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She's asleep, she was tired.

She's asleep, she was tired. There were only some friendly huggings  

Sandycane I don't see nothing revolting in porn... but ok I understand you...

The incredible this is... I find CJ a LOT more older than Sandycane! However they are probably close in their biological age. Looking at them both, and reflecting upon their comments... I would certainly rather take CJ to a date. I like wise women. Sorry Sandycane  nothing personal

Atheistextremist wrote:
The idea a woman can ask a man to devote his relentless sexuality to her complete disinterest and even mockery is quite beyond me.

Good point!

cj wrote:
 They will do anything they have to to keep the s.o.b. around

What is s.o.b.?

 

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"the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor byproduct of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here." Paul Davies


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Teralek wrote:She's asleep,

Teralek wrote:

She's asleep, she was tired. There were only some friendly huggings  

Glad she made it!

Quote:
Sandycane I don't see nothing revolting in porn... but ok I understand you...

The incredible this is... I find CJ a LOT more older than Sandycane! However they are probably close in their biological age. Looking at them both, and reflecting upon their comments... I would certainly rather take CJ to a date. I like wise women. Sorry Sandycane  nothing personal

Oh, please! Give me a break! The only reason you like cj better is because she would watch a porn flick with you on your date!! Wisdom has nothing to do with your motives! (sorry cj, you are a wise woman anyway)

Quote:
What is s.o.b.?

 

SOB=Son of a Bitch

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Sandycane wrote:Teralek

Sandycane wrote:

Teralek wrote:

She's asleep, she was tired. There were only some friendly huggings  

Glad she made it!

Quote:
Sandycane I don't see nothing revolting in porn... but ok I understand you...

The incredible this is... I find CJ a LOT more older than Sandycane! However they are probably close in their biological age. Looking at them both, and reflecting upon their comments... I would certainly rather take CJ to a date. I like wise women. Sorry Sandycane  nothing personal

Oh, please! Give me a break! The only reason you like cj better is because she would watch a porn flick with you on your date!! Wisdom has nothing to do with your motives! (sorry cj, you are a wise woman anyway)

 

 

 

I'd go with him, but could he stand it as I roll around laughing and gasping for air?  And my husband would have to come along.  He doesn't laugh, he rolls his eyes and says rude things about the actors' technique and dialog.

Teralek - sandycane and I already figured out I'm about 7 years older than she is.  You would have to hide me from your friends or they would be rolling around the floor and laughing at you.

Hug your friend when she is awake.  She sounds very nice.

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Sandycane wrote:[quote

Sandycane wrote:

[quote Beyond saving]Right, right and right. Now tell that to my ex-in laws who have now banned me from holiday gatherings even though my ex-wife and I are still really good friends/lovers. 

   You've got a nice set up there. I wouldn't worry about the in-laws...

Yeah it is a nice setup, but it is also sad that both of our families won't let us see our respective nieces and nephews. We were married for seven years and together for ten and suddenly expected to cut all ties with kids we love and have known their whole lives simply because we decided being married was no longer best for us. It is ridiculous and pisses me off if I think about it too much. 

 

 

Teralek wrote:
 Sandycane I don't see nothing revolting in porn... but ok I understand you...

You obviously need to search deeper into the corners of the Internet, I'm sure you can find SOME porn that you find revolting. 

 

cj wrote:
 I'd go with him, but could he stand it as I roll around laughing and gasping for air?  And my husband would have to come along.  He doesn't laugh, he rolls his eyes and says rude things about the actors' technique and dialog.

A little off topic here but any porn that attempts  to have acting and dialog is funny and rather distracting from the main purpose. Does anyone know why they even pretend to have a storyline? I mean really, if you aren't going to have any kind of decent plot why pretend? It is a pain in the ass having to fast forward all the time. 

Oh well, some porn stars have been making mainstream appearances and premium channels have been pushing the edge. Maybe one of the cable channels will go through the effort to make a show that has a good plot and good porn scenes. 

I just usually go with my own taste. If I like something, and it happens to be against the law, well, then I might have a problem.- Hunter S. Thompson


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Beyond Saving wrote:You

Beyond Saving wrote:
You obviously need to search deeper into the corners of the Internet, I'm sure you can find SOME porn that you find revolting. 

Sure! When I saw 8mm with Nicholas Cage, I was disgusted! Couldn't sleep well that day... and that movie is not even a porn. But that stuff is just sick!

Sandycane wrote:
Oh, please! Give me a break! The only reason you like cj better is because she would watch a porn flick with you on your date!! Wisdom has nothing to do with your motives! (sorry cj, you are a wise woman anyway)

No girls... you're wrong... let me enlighten you... What I liked about CJ was this:

CJ wrote:
I don't think it is hormones. I blame Harlequin romances and such trash. Seems to me a lot of women think they have to have a guy hanging around they can label "boyfriend". They will do anything they have to to keep the s.o.b. around. Most of them I've talked to don't enjoy the sex they get... 

I have seen some studies that support women wanting to hang with the bad boys for fun. But most women seek the dependable types for long term relationships. Many of us who try to have long term relationships with the bad boy types are often unhappy and disappointed. It all depends on what you want - throwing up in the bar/pub/saloon/cantina parking lot every other night - marry a bad boy. A home, bills paid on time, a glass of wine with dinner and not much more - marry a sweet man. I prefer the sweet man I wound up with this time around.

Sure the fact that CJ is more open minded about porn helps, but it's not the main reason. Watching porn while I'm doing it is not even my thing.

CJ I'm not sure if women seek dependable types for long term. I'm pretty convinced they keep trying to get the bad boy dependable until they get tired... which takes some time...

Beyhond Saving... try seeing the British movie "9 songs". That's an example of porn going mainstream... the movie while explicit is of very good taste... even Sandycane would enjoy it.

  

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"All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force... We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter." (Max Planck)

"the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor byproduct of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here." Paul Davies


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Beyond Saving wrote:Yeah it

Beyond Saving wrote:

Yeah it is a nice setup, but it is also sad that both of our families won't let us see our respective nieces and nephews. We were married for seven years and together for ten and suddenly expected to cut all ties with kids we love and have known their whole lives simply because we decided being married was no longer best for us. It is ridiculous and pisses me off if I think about it too much. 

What is their reason for doing this? Seems stupid to keep kids from seeing close relatives that care for them and want to see them.

 

Quote:
A little off topic here but any porn that attempts  to have acting and dialog is funny and rather distracting from the main purpose. Does anyone know why they even pretend to have a storyline? I mean really, if you aren't going to have any kind of decent plot why pretend? It is a pain in the ass having to fast forward all the time. 

Oh well, some porn stars have been making mainstream appearances and premium channels have been pushing the edge. Maybe one of the cable channels will go through the effort to make a show that has a good plot and good porn scenes. 

I was thinking the same thing when cj said she thinks their funny and laughs and mocks them while watching....as you say, defeats the purpose. That would be like someone telling you Lenny Bruce jokes while you are trying to pray.

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Teralek wrote: Beyhond

Teralek wrote:

 Beyhond Saving... try seeing the British movie "9 songs". That's an example of porn going mainstream... the movie while explicit is of very good taste... even Sandycane would enjoy it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHdkVcqtWJE&has_verified=1 

No, I wouldn't...and not because of any explicit sex scenes but, from what I saw of the trailer, the main characters are too young, I don't recognize the music and there doesn't seem to be an interesting plot. If I'm going to spend an hour or two of my time watching a movie, it better be good.

The movie, Original Sin, is a good example of a good movie, good music, interesting characters, an interesting plot and great sex. The sexual tension between the three main characters is far more 'stimulating' imo, than in your face genitals.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETzeVY8IqDY

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWUlLL1mWBM&feature=related

 

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Sandycane wrote:Beyond

Sandycane wrote:

Beyond Saving wrote:

Yeah it is a nice setup, but it is also sad that both of our families won't let us see our respective nieces and nephews. We were married for seven years and together for ten and suddenly expected to cut all ties with kids we love and have known their whole lives simply because we decided being married was no longer best for us. It is ridiculous and pisses me off if I think about it too much. 

What is their reason for doing this? Seems stupid to keep kids from seeing close relatives that care for them and want to see them.

Her family never liked me because I am an atheist and always blamed me for her not being Catholic and my family is just a bunch of jerks. We were both kind of the black sheep in the family and I think both of our families blamed our relationship on it, hers blamed me for her turning away from religion and mine blamed her for me moving halfway across the country to get away from them. Never mind that she was smart enough to already be putting religion behind her when we met and I was already planning on moving much FARTHER away from my family than I have. Sometimes facts don't matter. It is just a shame that the kids, who we both had great relationships with, have to suffer because the adults don't get along. 

I just usually go with my own taste. If I like something, and it happens to be against the law, well, then I might have a problem.- Hunter S. Thompson


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I think I do know

Sandycane wrote:

Beyond Saving wrote:

Yeah it is a nice setup, but it is also sad that both of our families won't let us see our respective nieces and nephews. We were married for seven years and together for ten and suddenly expected to cut all ties with kids we love and have known their whole lives simply because we decided being married was no longer best for us. It is ridiculous and pisses me off if I think about it too much. 

What is their reason for doing this? Seems stupid to keep kids from seeing close relatives that care for them and want to see them.

 

Quote:
A little off topic here but any porn that attempts  to have acting and dialog is funny and rather distracting from the main purpose. Does anyone know why they even pretend to have a storyline? I mean really, if you aren't going to have any kind of decent plot why pretend? It is a pain in the ass having to fast forward all the time. 

Oh well, some porn stars have been making mainstream appearances and premium channels have been pushing the edge. Maybe one of the cable channels will go through the effort to make a show that has a good plot and good porn scenes. 

I was thinking the same thing when cj said she thinks their funny and laughs and mocks them while watching....as you say, defeats the purpose. That would be like someone telling you Lenny Bruce jokes while you are trying to pray.

 

a blue movie that Sandy would laugh over. It's old - 70s - a series of sensual scenarios with wah wah guitars and one camera. In one particular scene he's trimming the hedge in blazing sun wearing a pair of scoop shorts and no shirt. She brings lemonade, he wipes off her sweat moustache, they collapse to the ground. Later as tempo of the music increases, they go into the kitchen and start shagging on the table. The one camera is in a distant corner of the kitchen, the figures indistinct. At the moment of truth the table collapses. Both the actors and the camera man roll on the floor in laughter. 

Another one she might giggle over is from 1980. It's called Private Teacher. A lad of 16 (he's obviously about 25) lives over the road from two air hostesses who cavort naked replete with spectacular muffs and cocaine eyes. His bedroom affords a panoramic view of these proceedings. But his guardian aunt can't understand why he refuses to leave his bedroom for days at a time and eventually calls in a tutor to lure him back to reality. The script is abominable, the acting has the comedic timing of accident. At one point, early in the show, as Jimmy reaches a pinnacle of delight over the hostesses mutual caresses and his aunt fumes over the cooling dinner, she shouts down the hall: "Jimmy! Are you coming!"

 

 

 

 

 

"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck