Conscious ejaculation, psychosis and mysticism
I would like to talk to you about my mystical experiences.
I am now 33 years of age. When I was 17 years old, I prayed the Rosary intensely. While praying the Rosary, I had inner visions of a spiritual light, brighter than the sun, which radiated love, peace and warmth that penetrated my soul. It filled me with joy and bliss. This inner light became brighter the more intensely I prayed the Rosary. However, after about a year or two, this light was replaced by spiritual darkness – a dark night of the soul. As a teenager, my hormones were raging, and I frequently consciously ejaculated. The spiritual light that I used to experience when praying the Rosary decreased and became darkness when I consciously ejaculated. I could not control the urge to ejaculate, and I just did it.
After a while a pattern emerged. The quantity of conscious ejaculations was in direct proportion to the spiritual darkness into which my soul was plunged. The greater the quantity of conscious ejaculations, the deeper the spiritual darkness my soul fell into. However, after a few years of practice, I learned to stop conscious ejaculation with frequency. I managed to reduce conscious ejaculation down to once per year. Then the spiritual light returned in my soul. I call the light Heaven and the darkness Hell, because that is how the two states felt to me. Hell (the spiritual darkness) incorporated psychosis. In the spiritual darkness, I heard voices swearing and cursing as two to three syllable phrases. These voices were accompanied by a burning and churning sensation in my head, thorax and abdomen.
Between 1995 and 2009, my soul was in a state of what I call purgatory, the dark night of the soul, or Hell-Heaven Continuum. Please correct me if I am using the wrong terminology. What I discovered about this Hell-Heaven Continuum is the following. At the Hell end of the continuum there is the Hell point of no return. And at the Heaven end of the continuum there is the Heaven point of no return. When my soul was in purgatory, conscious ejaculations caused my soul to descend towards Hell. I once perceived a Hell point of no return, which if I had crossed, would have been suffering of my soul that increases exponentially over infinite time. In March 2009, I crossed the Heaven point of no return. This is happiness that increases exponentially over infinite time. My soul crossed the Heaven point of no return by reducing conscious ejaculations to once per year.
After crossing the Heaven point of no return, something mysterious happened in my soul. Conscious ejaculation no longer caused spiritual darkness. My soul no longer descended towards Hell as a consequence of conscious ejaculations. Furthermore, if I now withhold conscious ejaculations, I develop acute psychosis i.e. I start hallucinating. These hallucinations are very disruptive. The hallucinations go away altogether if I consciously ejaculate frequently. I have a question about this. In the Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2352, it says that masturbation is a sin. If I do not masturbate, the hallucinations I experience make it impossible for me to function normally. It is only by masturbating that I can get rid of hallucinations. So how do I get around this problem? I need to masturbate to get rid of hallucinations which disrupt my life, but masturbation is a sin. The hallucinations I experience by not masturbating make me a danger to myself and others. So is masturbation the lesser of two evils?