I thought I was alone

edbrewer
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I thought I was alone

I wish to thank the creators of Rational Responders Squad for

1. For making me aware that I am not alone

2. For creating Rational Responders Squad

3. And for accepting my application for membership

A little background about me: I was born to a predominantly christian country, raised by a christian family, educated in a catholic school. What went wrong? Its a long painfull still ongoing epic and I just became a new member today. I, like many, have some experiences to share, to contribute to discussions, and to help myself, at the moment I have to. I look forward to making friends and learn from others, I feel it will be mutaually benifitting for everyone. I already feel vindicated. I was not alone in thinking the same after all.

Hello everyone, Ed Brewer here and thank you for the warm welcome.


Atheistextremist
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Hi Ed

I had the same experience as you seem to have had and the same confusion and pain over my inability to accept a faith under threat. There are lots of people here the same as well as some rational atheists untainted by a poisonous upbringing. Congratulations on your deconversion. You'll find talking about stuff here very therapeutic as well as most instructive. I look forward to getting to know you better.

"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck


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edbrewer ~ Welcome! I am

edbrewer ~

Welcome! I am happy you have found a community of atheists (and theists) you can be a part of!

Have fun Smiling

Slowly building a blog at ~

http://obsidianwords.wordpress.com/


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edbrewer wrote:3. And for

edbrewer wrote:

3. And for accepting my application for membership

 

You make this site sound like the Freemasons. I wasn't aware that there was a secret handshake. The owner of the site didn't ask me for a secret code word.

Just being silly, ignore me.

In all seriousness, lots of us thought we were alone. But there are tons of atheist websites on the net and we are increasingly having our voice heard. Glad to have you here.

 

"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under BrianJames Rational Poet also on twitter under Brianrrs37


edbrewer
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Very kind of you, Thank you

I had many reasons why I typed the words that led me to RRS. I value your warm welcome as you are the first member I am interacting with. I'm new, and shy, all this is new to me, I am out of my comfort zone. I am still exploring, and trying to find where I would fit in.

The so called "gift of life" is just one of my problems. I did not ask for it, worked hard to avoid where I am now, now that I am deep in it I'm still working to extricate myself out of it. I'm not in prison, not gay, no longer trying to off myself either. Am just a regular guy struggling to extricate myself out of the rutt I am in. Man, I was very religious like never before in 2006, jesus this, jesus that, mass everyday, prayer before doing anything including sleep.

Foresaken. And I'm only human. 

  


Jeffrick
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Chill out..........

edbrewer wrote:

I had many reasons why I typed the words that led me to RRS. I value your warm welcome as you are the first member I am interacting with. I'm new, and shy, all this is new to me, I am out of my comfort zone. I am still exploring, and trying to find where I would fit in.

The so called "gift of life" is just one of my problems. I did not ask for it, worked hard to avoid where I am now, now that I am deep in it I'm still working to extricate myself out of it. I'm not in prison, not gay, no longer trying to off myself either. Am just a regular guy struggling to extricate myself out of the rutt I am in. Man, I was very religious like never before in 2006, jesus this, jesus that, mass everyday, prayer before doing anything including sleep.

Foresaken. And I'm only human. 

  

 

 

.................and welcome to the forums.  You'll find life easier when you no longer look over your shoulder at some none existent diety. Life is just you and what you can make of it.  Don't be shy most citys and states have local meetings of rationalists,  tell us your city and country and perhaps we can direct you to meet up with like minded people.  I'm  in Mississauga Ont. Canada myself.

"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."

VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"

If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?


edbrewer
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Chill in the tropics

Bonjour Jeffricks, wish I can experience the winter, but am stuck here in the Philippines. Thanks for asking. I might try and look for similar groups here but I won't hold my breath for that.

St. Micheals Majors.

Stay warm and safe my friend. 

 


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,.,.,.,.

Welcome Ed, you'll have a great time here.

 

It's an island of sanity (sometimes) in a sea of theistic silliness.

How can not believing in something that is backed up with no empirical evidence be less scientific than believing in something that not only has no empirical evidence but actually goes against the laws of the universe and in many cases actually contradicts itself? - Ricky Gervais


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 Ed,I want to return the

 Ed,

I want to return the thanks.  Thank you for being another voice.  Thank you for joining us.  Thank you for reminding us why we do this and that we are not alone.

I'm glad we could help in some way.  Please keep enjoy the forums here and use converse with us as often as possible.  Check out our sponsors from time to time as well, it helps to keep this site afloat.

- Brian 

- Brian Sapient


Buy popular atheist books and support the Rational Response Squad at the same time on Amazon.


edbrewer
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I am honored sir

Sapient wrote:

 Ed,

I want to return the thanks.  Thank you for being another voice.  Thank you for joining us.  Thank you for reminding us why we do this and that we are not alone.

I'm glad we could help in some way.  Please keep enjoy the forums here and use converse with us as often as possible.  Check out our sponsors from time to time as well, it helps to keep this site afloat.

- Brian 

 

I appriciate much the kind words, especially from you sir. I will add my voice because RRS is humane, when able I will visit the sponsors and chip in, because the cause is just.


edbrewer
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Abu Lahab, thank you for the

Abu Lahab, thank you for the warm welcome. Much appreicated.


Jeffrick
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No "s" please

edbrewer wrote:

Bonjour Jeffricks, wish I can experience the winter, but am stuck here in the Philippines. Thanks for asking. I might try and look for similar groups here but I won't hold my breath for that.

St. Micheals Majors.

Stay warm and safe my friend. 

 

          No need to feel alone.  Try googleing  Philippine Atheist  or SEA atheists.org you will find local atheists,  and we want you to stay around here also.

 

"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."

VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"

If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?


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Welcome! I'm glad you found

Welcome! I'm glad you found us. It sucks being alone.

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.


BobSpence
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Welcome!I am a little closer

Welcome!

I am a little closer to you than most, in Australia.

I never really had to drag myself out of religion, altho my mother got me to go to Sunday School as a child. It never really made sense, so I never bought into it.

 

Favorite oxymorons: Gospel Truth, Rational Supernaturalist, Business Ethics, Christian Morality

"Theology is now little more than a branch of human ignorance. Indeed, it is ignorance with wings." - Sam Harris

The path to Truth lies via careful study of reality, not the dreams of our fallible minds - me

From the sublime to the ridiculous: Science -> Philosophy -> Theology


edbrewer
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Will do so

My appoligies, its Jeffrick with no "s". Got it. Thanks for the pointers.


edbrewer
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The best vegimite sandwich

 

Thank you BobSpence1, its all begining to look global now, folks from Canada, US, now Australia. In any part of the world, someone is doing critical thinking and being rational about it. Please send my best to everyone at the land called down under.


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edbrewer wrote:I had many

edbrewer wrote:

I had many reasons why I typed the words that led me to RRS. I value your warm welcome as you are the first member I am interacting with. I'm new, and shy, all this is new to me, I am out of my comfort zone. I am still exploring, and trying to find where I would fit in.

Welcome, Ed! It can be scary to be out of your comfort zone, but I hope someday soon you come to realize that you 'fit in' just as you are. The fear you feel is an illusion, based on the false teachings you've been indoctrinated into throughout your life. There is nothing wrong with you, and as you come to realize that, the feeling that you need to 'fit in' somewhere will fade. When that illusion fades, you're not losing anything, you're gaining a great freedom: The freedom of thought. Congratulations on your recent freedom from religion!

Quote:
The so called "gift of life" is just one of my problems. I did not ask for it, worked hard to avoid where I am now, now that I am deep in it I'm still working to extricate myself out of it. I'm not in prison, not gay, no longer trying to off myself either. Am just a regular guy struggling to extricate myself out of the rutt I am in. Man, I was very religious like never before in 2006, jesus this, jesus that, mass everyday, prayer before doing anything including sleep.

Foresaken. And I'm only human.

I'm glad you are no longer thinking of suicide. If any thoughts like that come up again, let us or someone you trust know, and seek help. Our beliefs can alter our perceptions of reality so badly that we lose track of who we really are. Take your time getting to know the real you again. Strip away as many false beliefs as you are able. Constantly question your beliefs. As you do this, it will again be scary for a time, but the additional freedom is worth it. As you eliminate your unwarranted assumptions, you don't need to fear losing yourself. In fact, you are finding yourself. Because at the end of that journey, when what is false has vanished, what remains is what is real, and solid, and can be trusted. You are only human. But you are not forsaken. You always *were* human, nothing more. But nothing less either. To be forsaken requires that some god had previously chosen you or loved you. But that god never existed, so how can you be forsaken? Any love you felt was from yourself. That's what's real and solid, and can be trusted. Nothing is lost by giving up the illusion of god. You are not lost either.

Wonderist on Facebook — Support the idea of wonderism by 'liking' the Wonderism page — or join the open Wonderism group to take part in the discussion!

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Hello Ed, I'm very new here

Hello Ed, I'm very new here as well,  and I'm proud for you to be here,,you are FAR from alone!

I've read enough posts here to know you and I are both among friends that we simply havn't met yet.

It'll be like reminiscing with strangers.

 

My god has a hammer, jesus was nailed to a cross. Any questions?


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 Hello Ed,Welcome.  Sorry

 Hello Ed,

Welcome.  Sorry to see how messed some lives have become by thier immersion into religious institutions.  Surely the originators of these faiths had something finer in mind. ?  maybe I'm naive.  I was introduced to Sunday School at an early age, but never forced, and so was able to disregard what made no sense to me.

So, cheers, from another newbie to the site.

 


edbrewer
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Cruel existance

 

To: natural

Kind of you to share your insights, your views were soothing to me, and I thank you for that. Why do I fail in any attempt to get the life of dignity that I strive hard for? Taking stock of myself, I found nothing wrong with me, I know so, its my life. The family I was born to does not love me, sadly that fact was not realized until 2006, I have long suspected it as far back as 1995, yet I forgave, I got the illusion of being forgiven, for disassociating myself from them. I was not the balck sheep, the deuchbag elder brother is, he issued bouncing cheques to my very first boss because he calculated the risk that he could get away with it, my old man made me his partner of a poultry farm that I never owned but made to believe there will be a fall back for me should I trip in the chase for a career. The eldest sister spreads lies that destroy my reputation, evrywhere I go, that lie persists as soon as she gets hold of my location. Its inheritance of the house that she is sick enough to try and deny me my rightfull share. Uts ugly because my old man is still alive. In my estimate this house I am in is not impressive nor would I want to live in a neighborhood that likes to assign to you a label you would not want. I also noticed that the people who torment others, are the ones who have the most in life. I am a simple man, with simple needs. A stable job far away from where I am now, to take back my dignity, and rational friends like you and everyone here at RRS. Hard as I try, nothing works. Loosing a day unproductively means ending the day with less resources to try again and again in the days ahead. As if that was not cruel enough, the stigma.

The stigma of being out of work, and loosing the faith. I feel there was no love lost in loosing my religion. In a country predominantly christian, that stigma is even more pronounced if you loose faith in the church. An example is a frenemy who shares his drinks, asks you about god, and then ostracizes you for expressing the truth of how you feel. Where I am today is a conservative society attempting poorly to copy a western style civilization. And I am not looking down at the people that I feel disowns me. It won't make me filthy rich. Harsh words are hurled, and opportunities shut. Words like herretic, the misconception of being imoral, and the notion that if you are not with this cruel god, then you are with the devil. The devil that I did not create. To me, the juvenile mentality that I, with no religion is tantamount to going over to satan is bullocks. I am indeed only human, with a heart, with feelings, and I am hurting. I crossed my limits twice and returned to religion, the last one was so bad I nearly off'd myself thinking I can deny the cruel creator the satisfaction. I have never shared that fact with anyone ever, only here at RRS. Had I been just a statstic in 2005, no one would understand, no one would even bother. This is my third departure from christianity, no formalities needed, and to make it final, I am trying to learn more here, in order to get rid of the residue of catholicism. And to assist others like me when I am able.

What am I to do now? The loss of religion will not change or improve my situation. I do not even believe there will be an opportunity for me at my age to get an overseas job hoping to escape this country and the animals around me, it is very difficult to stay civilized when faced by animals. Anywhere but here I don't care how dangerous the job is. Its probably the anger phase. The anguish that there is no god, or that I want him to exist so I can recite the lords prayer in latin backwards just to strike back. But am I? I have done so, and yet nothing. The reality, is if I go out, keep struggling, and looking for that work overseas I just might strat to enjoy life in a clean slate, then again what little I have dried up, and that is a reality I have to deal with. Its been so bad, I would do work overseas for free if only to get away from the very people I least expected to be the most hostile and dangerous to me, the family, relatives, and fellow citizens where I am. The irony is, its the only cathilic nation in asia. I am not saying all, but since I tried my best efforts, the harder I tried, the more I came upon the very people I tried to avoid. And I am only getting poorer, older, and more bitter. I also realize that RRS is real, you my friend are real, and the life I am dealt with is not unique or exclusive. I am merely one of so many, I wish I was in a position to rescue as many as I can.

Was it my fault? Well why was I born then? The irony of it is, there was an elder sister before me, she died a week after she was born. A typical family such as this I find myself in, the generation my parents belonged with the means they have, always wants 4 children, not 3, not 5, but 4 children. I am # 4 the youngest. Mother was a devote catholic, and I love her for caring, worrying for me, I used to feel anger for the sting of the belt buckle when she punnishes me, now I miss them sorely. I love my old man, but he practices favoritism, he favored me when mother was alive, now, no. He sees me as the  even for those I did not understand what it was for. I also love my old man, hard working decent professional, I looked up to him, he was my buddy, went with him when he allowed it. Because It was demanding to raise me I feel he saw me as a factor of her illness. I resent that, and yet somehow feel for a man who lost the love of his life. I am a man, I also was in love, and whe I lost her love, it was pain that I guess many can sympathize. Despite earning my wings, my old man was never impressed at anything I do, but consistently points out the tiniest failure. Failure. Its an event, that no one wants. But I still have that ember of love for all the goodness I remember in his old wrinkled face, just that I am no longer his buddy. I certainly worked hard to avoid where I am. I put myself through collage with my first job, my old man did not put me through collage. Working for a chinese multi millionaire, the salary he pays explains his wealth. I still regard him as a good man, and I hope he remains the same as I remembered him, but I will no longer work for him unless he has an office branch outside this country. I never broke the law, if I did, it was self destructive tendencies in 2004, meth did not kill me. I used, but never pushed harming others is not my nature. I calwed myself out on my onw to be sober as I am today. It was not that difficult, there was no withrawal syndrome, but I must confess, the triggers are hounding me just outside my room. I swear to stay as far away from meth, I have learned to respect its power. All the while still a christian then, I cannot help but think how cruel this god is if he ever does exist. I am not perfect, I was a difficult stubborn child late bloomer. When my mother died in 1989, the deccay of my faith began. My first departure was when I turned 20 and stopped going to church. Up until her death, I was a christian educated in a catholic school, prayers were a vice, when mother fell ill, I prayed like a child with blind faith, sincerely. And yet....

Imagine the frustraton. The anger collected all these years. It reminds me of a movie line where the devil tells Arnold Szhwazeneager that if its good, then its a miracle, it its bad..shit happens. Had I known, I would have declined the so called gift of life. Just that, I am here now, hurting bad. There is a god, there is no god, my pocket has less to pay fare just to go to the city and apply for jobs. God or no god, I am stuck here. To make believe he exists and entertain the thought that by reciting the lords prayer backwards insults him. Maybe, and that is where I am now. Learning latin.

I have no expectations when I joined RRS as a new member. I do not wish to impose on others, its just not in my character. To let this out of my chest is a relief but not a priority. If help comes it is much appreciated, in words, in kind or something tangeable as a life line of imigration sponsorship. Filipinos are known for gratitude, I will owe that person my life, my organs, everything. This life of mine is worth donating, not living, for I am not at the moment, just a zombie. Maybe I will meet that individual here, maybe not, but its a start, and at the moment, the only thing I could possibly do given the life I am dealt with.

The house. Its not a home. I though it was when I came back to it, the same as when I became religious like never before in 2006. The in-law treats me like I am some sub human, she wants to be the inherritor of the structure and property, I being the youngest of 4 under the family code has the right to own a portion, she just married into it through that creap brother I found myself with. Values are tought in the family, as a child I was toild that when the parents children marry, they live in a separate house. Where I am, is my old mans house. And she wants it. The elder sister encourages the bitch to want it even more badly by turning the screws on me my patience evaporates. The deuchbag brother wants it, the poultry farm is kaput, he gambled it all, not me. If mother was alive today, I cannot help but think, that despite she being a strict with me for a reason, would not in her decency allow the situation prevailing under the roof I am sheltering. I can snap anytime, this could be my last post, or maybe the crueltly goes on for the universe to be amused of the sick drama. Eitherway, I am alone, if not for RRS.

Am I born to be.....what? Mind you I pursued my ambition at nothing less than full throttle. Hitting the wall was catastrophic. I earned my pilots license in 1992. I love flying, I love it I will not want to screw up and slam on a mountain, I was a step closer to realizing a career in 1994 when the manager of an air charter service wanted me to present myself to the company as soon as get my commercial license. I passed the medical for the private certificate, then..(is it devine cruelty that) ..I am mildly color blind when I renewed it for the 3rd time frustrated at finding funds to get the flying time for a commercial license. Even mild, its hereditary, why was I not color blind for a license that cannot get me employed? Never mind the fikthy rich lawyer uncle marcos croney wannabe, he promised to shoulder the expenses, I gave him my word as his nephew that will repay him even twice the amount as soon as I start getting paid to fly. I can cuss like the sailor with the foulest mouth but that won't help. Seeking to swim in life than to sink, I came to accept it reluctantly and began to aspire for an overseas job in 1998 anything related to aviation made me depressed. I tried to rebuild myself by enrolling in a basic seamanship course. It was not as if I was going to fly an aircraft carrier. But my CV is as torn up as I am. So diverse, an engineering degree majoring in aeronautics, more than a decade of clerical work ex[erience, and all the documentation required in 1998 to get on a ship and start sailing the worlds oceans. The ship manning agencies told me that my age was not that attractive anymore. (Again...I will recite the lords prayer backwards). I studied to try and improve myself, all that.....tsk. It hurts me to even think of it, in the interviews I hide that fact well. But it usually ends with "we will give you a call..." Trying to extricate myself from where I am now is getting a job overseas, even if it means a local one for the time being so I can have the resources to make copies of my resume, and credentials. Its a full time effort, I also use todays technology with onlie applications. Raytheon is promising, I hate to think that it is just a mirage in the desert because I am not an american, and I understand american jobs should be exclusively for americans only. I still keep trying anyway, if its what I can do online. The other is trying to network such as this sad gut spilling. But at RRS its more for fellowship.

The history of me. Sorry for telling you. I just wanted someone to know before I snap.

 


edbrewer
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Cool chopper

WisdomVendor

Glad to make your acquaintance my new friend. Ride safely.


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Hello!  I'm glad you found

Hello!  I'm glad you found this site.  Almost everyone I know is religious too, so I know how lonely it can be.  I just sign on here and read the words of fellow atheists and I feel connected again.  Hope things get better for you.  Heart


edbrewer
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For what reason

 

msTake

Its the events that transpired in this life I am dealt with, and then recoiling to the altar only to be shafted some more. The last straw was as early as late 2007. The ceramic image of jesus is still there, gathering dust, the rosary and prayer books all blessed by an ordained priest also gathering dust. I fell like dust, made to feel like one. I know I am not, the way things are going, it appears to be making me not know I already am.

 

Thank you msTake, for taking the time to say hello.

 


edbrewer
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From bitter to better, its a tall order.

GallowsBait

I'm working on it. Thanks for dropping a line. Much appreciated.


edbrewer
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As if the holy water matters

Sorry if this post looks like an updat, but it is. I just got to get this out.

I've just been informed by my old man, that an ordained catholic priest will arrive on Jan 1, 2010. To bless the house again, including the room I am in. They do not know I am "angry" at that thing in the church altar. Getting angry may not help, but I hate being taken for a ride. They know I shunned sunday masses since 2007. But no idea about a piecs of paper on the dirty floor. No care in the world that my heart has become bitter.

I did not object. No reason to. They want to practice their belief, let them, I will just simply nod at the man in cloth, cover the PC so it won't get wet, there is a small notepad page lost in the messy floor, the lords prayer written backwards that I use to recite the damn thing if only to comfort my anguish, maybe that too gets blessed.

Its a free country, but I am not. I never had a choice. Never was given a choice not to partner with that scum brother swindler who gambled away the farm bought by my old man's retirement, never was asked about what effect a move to this "twatt" of a town from the city far from opportunities would be for me, who is or was a member of this..basic social cell. I could hardly say the word family to describe it now. When I was in collage, I wore a pair of sneakers until I graduated, by that time, the sole had a hole the size of a childs fist, aircraft leaks fluids that ate away the sole. I asked for the old man for at least a loan to get a new pair. Denied.

Local time here before I hit the submitt button is 7:55pm the day is 31 December 2009.


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Hi Ed

Welcome to the RRS. Do not feel bad about venting your anger and telling your story. That is one of the reasons that this site exists.

Feel free to say anything you want. You will find lots of sympathy and maybe some advice. There are others here who have had trouble escaping religion or who have had hard lives too. (My life, though it has had its difficulties, has not been that tough I guess. Although I have recently been through depression, divorce, lost my house and am starting again)

I have friends who are from the Philipines, so I kind of understand how difficult it can be there (I am in Australia by the way). I have an Australian friend living in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia who is married to a Filipina. She and her friend who also live there were working in other countries and sending money back to their families (both have children who were being raised by aunties for years). The families of course wasted the money and don't bother getting jobs themselves. The women both took what they thought was maid-work in KL and found themselves tricked into prostitution. My friend rescued one soon after she arrived (he decided that he could afford to rescue one person, pay out her totally illegal debt, they became freinds and are now married), the other was recued later by another man and now works as their maid.

One of them paid for half of a house for her family on the grounds that the rest of the family would make the rest of the payments (and she is poor, it was all of her savings) and the money just disapeared...

 

Anyway... You are not alone. We will support you as much as we can and you may find others to help too. Keep struggling. Don't snap (I read your other post too). The world may seem crazy at times and everything seems too hard. But find the small things in life that are enjoyable, things worth living for, and take the time to appreciate them.

I sometimes try to make things seem simpler. Make it about two (or so) choices. For instance; my ex and I had tried everything to make our marriage better, did all of the recomended things, saw councellors etc. We were ok as friends/house-mates, but not in a relationship. I was diagnosed with clinical depression (as a result of the problems). I didn't actually think of killing myself, but I did find times when I was thinking that if I accidentally drove my car under that truck it wouldn't matter much. The problem seemed impossible and massive.

But I boiled it down to 2 choices. I could stay and continue to try to make it work, or I could go (despite my fear of never finding someone else, being alone forever, losing my house, my dogs, my friends, nearly everything).

I could not see a time in the future where we would be happy together, even if things went as the counsellors said... (to difficult to go into).

So I left. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was the right choice. Now we both have a chance to start over. Even though it is difficult I am happier and heading in the right direction.

 

One thing I think you need to seriously do is leave that house, the people are poisoning you . Even if you can't get a job in another country, can you get one in another city to start with? Try anything to start with, anything to pay the rent and feed you, then look for better jobs.

If the people are really that bad I would lose contact with them or at least minimalise the contact. You are having a hard enough time without others bringing you down.

I don't know how good it is with relgious matters, but when I was depressed and trying to make a decision about my marriage I found help at experienceproject.com. I read similar stories to mine, posted my story and ended up having lots of conversations with a few people.

Of course at the RRS we will talk to you as much as you want as well.

It is nearly 2010. Think of it as time to start your new life and struggle ahead.

Zen-atheist wielding Occam's katana.

Jesus said, "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division." - Luke 12:51


Abu Lahab
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edbrewer wrote: an

edbrewer wrote:

 an engineering degree majoring in aeronautics.

 

 

You have a better education than I do.

 

As for American jobs, I bet you could get a Visa and a job in the US.

 

TRY! Don't give up!

How can not believing in something that is backed up with no empirical evidence be less scientific than believing in something that not only has no empirical evidence but actually goes against the laws of the universe and in many cases actually contradicts itself? - Ricky Gervais


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Just another piece of paper the diploma

Abu Lahab

Appreciate the words of encouragement. I am so exhausted. Weary. As if that was not bad enough, not a good chess player. Man like you sir has more brain power than me. Thank you for the encouragement. I do feel that whatever best plans and equally good back up plans I try to execute...life is no longer kind to me. Always told the same "we'll call you..." there goes the bus fare for nothing. There goes the xerox fee for all those credentials.

So I just trudge on....

I'm sorry Abu Lahab, I wish I could talk to you about pleasant things. I can't think of one right now.


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The holy water those precious drops Pfffff!

As I posted last year. there was to be a priest to belss the house again.

Well alleluiah..he came, never even took a step inside the room I was in while I was covering my PC bofre he tosses on it. Just took two swing from outside the door. Its as if the water was the most expensive commodity. I wanted to laugh at the thought of it, but its too painful to even smile.

As if the holy water matters.

The creap swindler elder brother I have always wants to play up the role of being the righteus one. If the world ended yesterday and the truth came out, and I sure would like an accounting of who's who... I tell you I would relish that time. My conscience is clean and I do not fear death, just pissed off at it. Took away the important people of my life, mother, grandma, real friends not frenemies, they all went ahead of me. Left me here.

I think things will get nastier in the next cycle of cruelty. Again, this could be the last update, maybe not. But I have noticed an increase in their numbers...dwelling in one place. I won't give them a clue, it will be spontaneus that I can tell you. I'm worn out.

 


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Pain is pain

ronin-dog

For the land of plenty. I have helped a colleague of mine escape the Philippines and seek refugee status in NSW. I remember him as a decent person and hope he remains the same as I remembered him. After I gave my statements to DIMA, I broke off contact. My part is done. And I did it with nothing in return. Because it is the right thing when helping.

"Seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened onto you..."

I seeked, I knocked. Look at the reality I am in.

Well maybe you did not look hard enough my son..or did not pound the door. Cruel philisophical mumbo jumbo.

The catastrophic results of my attempt to seek a fullfilling and meaningfull life is not as bad as the others who have far more unfortunate circumstaces as I have. I am so dumb founded, numbed to even consider counting that alone as an edge above them, certainly less painfull, but nevertheless still in pain.

"If you love somebody, set them free" I think it was Sting in 1985, not sure now. Am glad things worked out for you. Its nice to know good people get to fix things that go awry in their lives. I admire your efforts and praise you for the success you earned, I wish you more in the future. The human heart or the hypothalamus to be anatomically specific, is resilient. Airports are my kind of places. I see evidence of love there. Just have to find a way to be a part of that crowd.

What more motivation than the human reflex to survive. I did what I had to do short of criminal activity, to avoid where I am today, and when I was pushed against the wall after finding myself where I am now, I still am a law abiding patient man doing what he can online, and when practiceable, actually physically going to the companies to fill out application forms while deep down...the familiar phrase "we'll call you.." is a given. Man, I will not ask anyone what to do now. I've been there. No one goes out to apply half heartedly, they go out wanting, needing that job or career like a guided missile. I gave full throttle, hitting that wall consistently has worn me out.

I hate spilling my guts out in public. I hope I can talk to you about pleasant things, like rugby perhaps, sailing, movies, music, anything other than the gloomy things I just wrote. I just am devoid of it at the moment. Sorry mate.

My friend have a good day one of 2010. 


Atheistextremist
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Ed, it may be you are just aerating

 

And coming across as seriously low but if you're at a point where you can't bounce back on your own then you oughta talk to some one. Life is a pain at times but there are good simple things and if you're not seeing them you need to put yourself to rights. I've a depressive tendency myself and I know that professional stuff really helps - even if simply to reset your baseline and allow you to move ahead. You ought not to drop anchor in a bad place - unless you're actually 'content' with being there.

It's lame-arsed of me to suggest this but you need to do things that lift you - what worked well for me was avoiding booze, getting lots of exercise and focusing on things and people I loved to the exclusion of the negatives. Another serious up is helping people who are in need of help. It can move your focus and supply a new perspective. And yes, I know. It's easier said than done.

Take care, mate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck


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Less than half the glass now empty

Atheistextremist

The very first guy who greeted me. Thanks. I am smoking Marlboro, fact I can is not that bad. I get to drink java. The fact I can is not that bad. When it rains, there is dads roof above my head, I get to watch CNN BBC Jay Leno on Cable. And...I get to talk to you and everyone at RRS. Yes, I am not that unfortunate as others. Talk to a professional is not on my priority list. I do not have the depression. I am not in a state of denial. I just want to confront the reality that I myself in rationally. RRS provides me that avenue. That too is not that bad.

I left this place as far back as 1993, rented a bed space while in the same province. Moved to the capital city in 1995, I worked hard to avoid going back, knowing that this is exactly what might happen.

Looking back, there were some good things in financial liberty, but always half a glass as I would put it. I got a job, but the eldest sister somehow found out my location and reputation demolished. You would agree, that reputations take decades to build, but destroyed in seconds. Would I spare time for recrimination? No, I evaluated my performance and am proud to say I stood up, and did well. Besides, it won't make me rich but it would identify threats.

Alamo, at least I thought it was a sanctuary. Mistakenly dropped anchor? Let me go back to 1993. I did not want this. Who on earth has that power to manipulate my fate? No make that a rhetorical question. How do I get out of this? I'll answer that. I'm still working on it. Having said what was said in most of my posts, I am alone if not for RRS. I also can not help think that they may affect others negatively and that I should tone down the self pity. One helps himself first to help others, and for others to help him, he also has to help himself. As stated in earlier posts, my membership to RRS can be mutually benefiting. Others like you can sympathize, other might not touch it with a ten foot pole to avoid the shock, I just feel there has to be someone in this planet that can attest to who I was.

The residue of catholism. Why bash that? Its like sour graping, a child denied a toy throwing a tantrum. Convinient to put it that way. Dissmissive of the toxic animals in my own fathers house. I thought my old man was on my side. In 2006 I was hoping it was water under the bridge, for what reason pushed me away in the forst place, but let me just say, I compromised just for them deep in me, and meet them half way. Yet ....

Chat me mate, I need you around. I need rational thinkers like you. Only wish I can open a cold San Miguel pilsen for you.


iwbiek
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edbrewer wrote: Chat me

edbrewer wrote:

 

Chat me mate, I need you around. I need rational thinkers like you. Only wish I can open a cold San Miguel pilsen for you.

fuckin' A san miguel!  as in the beer brewed in malaga, spain?

the best vacation i ever had in my life was with my coworkers in torremolinos.  we stayed in a beautiful hotel called los jasmines.  all around was the scent of jasmine flowers, wafting on the warm night breeze coming off the mediterranean, which was just 10 meters outside our hotel, and by the pool were plenty of beach chairs and a vending machine that dispensed a cold delicious can of san miguel for one euro.  i didn't even need a bartender!  it was fuckin' awesome!  days spent reading paulo coehlo's the alchemist and long nights spent listening to bob dylan's desire, planet waves, and street legal, smoking cuban cigars, and drinking san miguel.  it was paradise.

whenever i'm in a financial crunch (as i pretty much always am these days) or having problems with work or the wife, i always think of that happy time, when i was 22, single, and free.

"I asked my father,
I said, 'Father change my name.'
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame."
--Leonard Cohen