The Rapture: Really fucking stupid
I'm not sure if anyone is aware of the dumb shit due to go down when The Rapture takes place - it's really fucking stupid. Immediately after The Rapture, a moment when god scoops his living followers up to heaven for their own safety, he begins executing judgments against unbelievers, during a period called the Tribulation. There's not a lot of good information to be had about the tribulation except that it will be really, really bad. All gardens will be eaten by slugs, every song will sound like Bucks Fizz. Coffee will taste like it does at the Tarana Hotel. It will be impossible to pay for a decent breakfast. You'll never get a seat on public transport. Fly feet will be twice as sticky. Newsapers will read like the sunday paper every day and the whole world will wear string-topped shoes. Worst of all, the only car available will be the automatic prius in puce.
At the end of the Tribulation - and this is the good part - the nations of the world, obviously sick to death of hearing about this shit, will attack Israel (booorrrrringggg), and horror of horrors, that tosser jesus christ will physically return, leading the 'armies of heaven'. At the Battle of Armageddon this group of total wankers will destroy everyone who is not a believer (including, and with mind numbing irony, all the israelis) by bashing their heads in with copies of the scottish psalter.
Then, live on broadband digital television for the benefit of a global audience, Satan will be bound, and that poser jesus will set up the Millennial Kingdom, surprisingly headquartered in Jerusalem instead of near a decent beach. jesus and the saints (idolatry anyone?) will then rule over the nations of the Earth for a thousand years. The amount of hymn singing and arse kissing (and bomb chucking by the PLO) likely to go on during this period scarcely bears thinking about.
But wait - Armageddon was just the preclimax and there's another spasm coming - during this 1000-year period people will be born who are not loyal to christ - but secretly. Just like a good sci-fi action movie these bastards give the lord a chance to dust off the light sabre of his undying love and shove it up the arses of his ant-like creations one more time. Yippeeeeeeee. So, at the end of the thousand-year period, god will release Satan and let him tempt those who inhabit the Earth into having one more fight with him so he can prove how tough he is for good and all! Thanks for all the freewill, god, you complete fucking arsehole.
A large group, tempted by satan, will take up arms against the lord, including a gang of teenagers in the rural USA called the wolverines. But surprise, surprise, they will be defeated. Then, comes the part we've been waiting for. For those who hate standing still for long periods listening to boring shit, judgment day is going to be worse than clothes shopping with your girlfriend. That longest day, christ will judge all who have ever lived, giving rewards to some and punishment to others. All sins will be known - whether this means jesus is going to tease a confession of every last wank out of us remains unknown, but probable. Those who lost the fight against the toughest kid in school and all the poor sods found not to love jesus or to have jacked off over a fosseys catalogue will then be cast into the Lake of Fire.
After that, god will destroy heaven and Earth because they have been polluted by sin. He will create a new heaven and a new Earth, put those who were saved on the new Earth, and rule it forever.
I can hardly wait...
"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck