I'd venture to guess a lot of people have similar problems with their parents.  I'm incredibly happy with life and believe in no gods.  (i realize happy isn't the same as not depressed...but i mean in terms of "all atheists are miserable&quot   So we've proven her wrong with my single example.  Wicked!  

Time to go drink more baby blood!    

Depression can probably have a lot of triggers.  Best I can suggest is finding a good doctor that can help you treat it and medicate you if needed.

To address stuntgibbon also: I've been treated for depression my whole life, but it's never led to a cure. In 2000, I underwent ECT (shock treatments). My depression is that severe.

I lost my health care this summer. California budget cuts laid off my psychologist, a psychologist friend of mine and my psychiatrist. I now have no access to decent health care.

In California, recipients of Medi-Cal are not allowed to seek mental health care out of county. There are only a handful of psychiatrists and psychologists left in the county who take Medi-Cal.

The two psychiatrists have no business practicing. One is a fundy who basically told me the same thing my mother did: my depression is a result of my atheism. The other...well, he has a terrible reputation. He's incompetent. His wife committed suicide a few years ago and the grapevine says he could have prevented it. The grapevine is often wrong, but my experiences with him haven't been good.

I made appointments with the two psychologists and found them likewise lacking.

Due to the layoffs, my primary health care provider has been inundated. He's too busy to help me and has become about as useful as a snake harness.

So, I have no access to health care.

When my psychiatrist retreated to Berkeley--it felt like a retreat to me--he suggested I move away from my toxic family. I tried to find the energy to do so, but I failed.

I feel completely trapped.

I'm too sick and poor to move, but I feel if I don't move, it will kill me. I need health care and can't get it here. I need to get away from my toxic family. I love them, but the lack of acceptance I feel is slowly killing me.

That's the "cry for help" you're hearing.

I've written doctors at the Mayo Clinic and elsewhere, asking about vagus nerve stimulation, transcranial magnetic stimulation and a trial underway for deep brain implants. No one answered my letters.

I wrote Michael Moore. The letter was returned.

I've asked my psychologist friend for help. He can't even find a job, himself.

I probably couldn't even get ECT again, since it is not offered in this county. Besides, the side effects are awful: amnesia and basic helplessness for several weeks.

I don't know what else to do because my various ailments (depression, fibromyagia, diabetes, sleep disorders, etc.) have made me so weak.

In the past I've felt the need to put on a front to protect myself. I'm past the point of caring about fronts.

On edit: I also tried to find help at democraticunderground.com, where I've posted for years. Basically, the answer was: Fuck off and die.

 Some colleges have the magnetic therapy you mentioned available, have you looked into that?  

I hope you get better.  Best wishes.

If you smoke then stop. For some reason worked quite well for my friend. Drugs can also lead to depression. Im sure alcahol can as well. Basically go do something that gets your blood pumping that will scare you shitless. Skydiving sounds fun to me

wow, what you're going through sounds really rough.  i won't insult you with even an attempt at empathy, because i have no idea what such a thing must feel like.  just know that my sincerest best wishes are with you.

also, just throwing it out there, but i have chronic bouts of depression, which are obviously very mild compared to yours.  i've never sought any medical treatment because they don't cripple my ability to function.  in your case this would probably be grasping at straws, but oddly enough what helps me during my depression is studying zen buddhism and casually meditating.  depending on what perspective you approach zen from, i've found it can be perfectly compatible with atheism.  it's just a way of putting the universe and my own problems in perspective that really clicks with me.

Yes, good point.  Clinical depression is one of the worst things to have.  But modern medicine is really good, take it from a guy who was hearing voices shouting at him three years ago telling him angels will catch him if he jumps off his balcony or that he'll be fine if he steps into traffic.  (I dodged a bullet when I went to a psych ward, they decided in the end that I wasn't a danger to myself even though I definitely was...  That's another story.)  Anyway I don't hear much anything anymore and my delusions have totally subsided.  I'm not depressed and don't have manic problems anymore either.  My anxiety is also minimal, I just take my anxiety medicine when I'm feeling too jittery or worried etc.   Last and least my hair has grown back!

So that's something to keep in mind, I'm probably fully recovered right now (it's hard for someone who only took high school psych to know) and had one of the worst conditions out there. (Schizo-affective disorder.) The big finale: All of my doctors including the brilliant one classified me as highly resistant to medicine. 

I've heard great, marvelous things about the magnetic treatment from my old psychiatrist (the brilliant guy)  Definitely something to look into further OP, I have no idea how it works but going by what that doctor said it has "a lot of support in the medical community".

And again I hope you feel better.  Modern medicine is wonderful, I'm sorry it hasn't worked well for you.    But that's just so far, you never know how other really advanced treatment will help.

If you're up to it perhaps you could share some more?  That might make you feel better temporarily and perhaps some of the science guys on the forums will have some tips...  I'm sure you know most of the ones out there already but you never know.

We all hope you get better. 

how about this one then?

http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun01/smokedepress.html

Im not some anti smoking nazi either btw, pack a day smoker here. Smoking and depression are linked that is a fact. The only question is does smoking cause depression or does depression cause smoking. This link is probably a much better one tbh.

I shall derail no more after this

but I shall say this, you may notice that site may have a slight bias. I have read that before just not on that site. And instead of starting a link war im going to leave it at that.

This is why we need PM back

not only that, but i would say that modern rinzai zen buddhism (the school i'm most interested in) is even more "atheistic" than the original theravada form.  then again, buddhism, when not tainted by preexistent superstition, is at least agnostic in the popular conception, in that the buddha himself refused to ever comment on anything metaphysical, saying it wasn't edifying or relevant.  all the buddhist scriptures i've read are agnostic, admittedly using supernatural beings as illustrative.

Not like this it doesn't. Read about chronic depression. Smoking is quite incapable of having such an effect.

Iruka, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. Wish there was something I could offer you in the way of a solution or a quick fix ~ I will tell you that I smiled when I saw your name as a recent poster! It has been a long time (and I now know why) since you have been active here. Glad to see you and I hope you find something that makes you feel better soon.

If depression was due to athiesm, I was a church going Bible believing atheist for years before I acknowledged that I didn't believe in God.

probably because thinking doesn't lead to happiness.... I know I try my best not to think

Before someone jumps im just kidding

Well, I demanded that you come back. I think others might have as well.

As a superfan, you have the option to use PM's, and are disqualified from being able to request the atheist badge, for now at least. If I misunderstood, I'm sure I'll be corrected shortly.

Back on topic, I do hope to hear more from you Iruka. You've been missed. I do understand not wanting to be angry all the time though, so I can't fault you for avoiding such a state.

OK, I happen to be a psychiatric social worker.

First, let me say that there are like 50 or so different conditions that are called depression and there may well be others that have not been described in the literature just yet. Given that, one is probably best off seeing a doctor who is trained in figuring out what is going on.

As complicated as the matter is, even doctors often don't get the diagnosis right the first time (or even the first several times. Also, yes, it is true that smoking is sometimes linked to depression. Honestly, overuse of air freshener is as well:

http://www.news-medical.net/news/2004/10/19/5680.aspx

OK, that is a controlling factor. If you can't get to a doctor, then you need to go from there.

There are yet ways to get to a doctor at some clinic. Since you are in California, I have a link to professional but not medical places that you can start at. If one of the places in the link is close enough to you, they may be willing to work with you and if you want to see a doctor, they work with the resources that are available in the community.

http://iccd.org/clubhouseDirectory.php?state=California

Past that, I am sorry to hear what you are going through but try that link and see if you can work from there. All of those places are free for you to get non-medical services from and they ought to be able to help you to connect with medical resources.

I've actually looked into meditation classes, but apparently there is no such animal where I live.  It's very rural, very fundamentalist Christian.  I've asked at the local college, local Unitarian Church, local peace group, etc.  There are no classes.  I've tried it myself, but I have no clue what I'm doing. 

I tried reading a book by Jon Kabat Zinn and he totally lost my interest about 60% of the way through the book.  I was thinking, "Stop talking about shit and get on with it."  He bored me.

The last psychologist I saw (one of the last still accepting Medi-Cal) took personal issue with my dislike of Zinn's book.  She became confrontational: "So you think you know better than he does?"  Um.  I know what I like to read and what sounds like a lot of flowery nonsense after 200 pages.  I gave the guy 200 pages of my life.

She became so confrontational about a lot of things (including my open skepticism / atheism, I suspect) that I stormed out of the room about 10 minutes into the appointment.  Some people seem to like her, but I've found a lot that don't.  Whatever.  She struck me as a self-important bitch who thinks she's smarter than everyone else.

So, a major issue here is a decided LACK of everything where I live.

well, as far as a lack of options goes, i can definitely understand that.  i used to be able to ignore my bouts of depression fairly easily in the US by just occupying my mind (once again, mine is not near as severe as yours), but over here it's difficult because of the scarcity of books, movies, lectures--hell, ANYTHING--in my language.  that includes stimulating conversation, which is why i come to places like this, but it's not enough.

still, just to offer my own meager experience, i've never taken any sort of class nor practised buddhism formally.  in fact, meditating is secondary to me.  primary to me is reading the texts.  like i said, they just put the world in perspective in a way that makes me feel better.  if you think it's worth a shot in the dark, i think the best place to start is e.a. burtt's the teachings of the compassionate buddha.  it's an anthology of important buddhist texts with great commentary arranged as a history of the development of buddhist thought.  it's very short and very cheap (it can usually be had used on amazon for well under a dollar).

good luck.

That was both funny and sad. Reminds me of a radio show spoof in GTA IV too.

Or something along those lines.

Thanks for the input.  I'll address this part first because it's easiest.  I know you mean well, but it's just a tad annoying to have to repeat this: I do not have access to health care.  The CA budget crisis laid off my psychologist and psychiatrist and my primary care provider is now overloaded with patients and can't help me.  The people who could have helped me are all jobless.

I have Medi-Cal, which only allows me to seek mental health care in the county of my residence.  There are exactly two psychiatrists left in this county and both of them suck.  One is a fundamentalist who tried the same thing my mom did: "It's your fault because you're an atheist."  The other has a deservedly rotten reputation.

I've also tried the two remaining psychologists. No go.

Yes, my depression is severe.  I am on disability because of it.

A couple of weeks ago, I helped my nephew build a computer. My car wouldn't start (dead battery), so my nephew gave me a ride.  Until the other night, I'd forgotten all about the dead battery.  In other words, I haven't been anywhere in at least a couple of weeks.  I spent all Christmas Day in bed because I just couldn't face the world.

I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  I've distanced myself from everyone.

Now that the Obama administration has pretty much caved to insurance companies, I don't expect help any time soon.  We have one party: the corporate party.  God bless America.

That health care issue is very anal (not that I have anything against our back-door-loving friends). Your depression does sound like a medical case and you certainly are in the wrong country for that kind of a problem.

Luckily you don't have cancer or some terminally expensive crap, so there might be cheap and efficient options available to you. I will browse around and try to find public organisations that deal with general health and see if they have some programs, if you can tell me where you are situated exactly. You should start thinking in these terms yourself and get out of the house to go to the nearest public health rally/organisation.

In fact, any kind of public activity is good and will put you in contact with people who are doing something bottom-up about the issues facing both you individually and your community. Just being outside and with people who are doing something relevant will help, you can be 100% sure of it.

Now I realise this might sound like an impossible task to you, but you might want to start thinking about it this way: you can lie in bed and feel awful or be with other people and maybe feel a bit better. It will not replace the medical treatment that you need, but might expose you to people who can point you in the right direction. You might even want to try to help someone else - world's best therapy in my opinion. On that note you can start with your mother - 'cause she seriously needs help.

Yes, it does suck, but it's understandable and you can work with it. She is scared out of her mind and unable to comprehend or handle reality, so you will have to explain it to her in a calm and orderly fashion every time she goes on the binge.

First of all - you have to dispell the "you're responsible for the way I feel" bullshit defense from your mother's side. You can do this by using consistency - never allow her to make you believe it! Always say: "Not true! any fear, anxiety, rage or sadness you feel are your own, mom. Distress makes them surface, but that is no great trick - a loud fart will throw you off-balance. It's in you and it makes you miserable on daily basis - completely regardless of my disposition."

Second - you must establish the fact that what you have is an actual medical condition, complete with symptoms, prescription medicine and treatment, and this must be a fact both for yourself and her. You can do this through research and talking to people with experience in the area and going for a diagnosis. You can maybe do the research with your mom, so that she can start discerning reality from fiction and that you together can change your relationship to cooperation instead of bickering.

Third - once the first two points are accomplished, you might even get a generally meaningful relationship with your mother, including constructive discussions about religion.

Now all of this might seam completely out of your reach, but keeping to a few very simple rules will bring you closer:

1) compare what you are doing now to what you could be doing - if you are in bed, there is no reason that you shouldn't be with other people instead. If its just as well staying in bed where you know you will feel terrible, then choose the other option that might make you feel better - it's just as well, if you remember.

2) do not accept blame for your illness - it is a medical condition.

3) do not accept blame for attitudes of people around you - you are not to blame for their insecurity and fear.

4) most importantly: do not expect this to work every time, just like your imune system will not manage to defend against germs perfectly every time. However, every small incremental success accumulates and "falling through" is not a step back - the imune system will prevail eventually and there will always be another challenge after that. Just try to make the periods between the sickness longer and longer as you go. At some point you will need medical treatment if you are to make progress, you have to recognize this as well.

Well, I am not too bad at listening, so you can feel free to write to me if you want. My interests are many and we can talk about all kind of stuff - just not about EXC. I want to kill him and don't want to leave e-mail trace of conversations on the subject.

You say you are tired of blah blah, but obviously not tired enough not to write about it. If you don't know what to talk about, we can discuss efficient suicide methods. Just kidding.

Super! Les do more of that then!

Ok, les not do that then!

I think that might be an issue - you try to do too many things at the same time. Focus on one goal and go for that. Whatever you do, DO NOT try to feel better!

What does this mean? Well, it's basically the same advice I would give anyone who tries to loose weight - DO NOT try to loose weight! It's impossible to loose weight, it just makes no sense in itself and has zero motivational value. Why? Because it's not just one goal, it's a billion continuously piling up goals that will not give you a minute's break: don't eat candy, don't eat too much, must exercise today, and again today, and again today, same shit day after day.... Your brain can not stand this kind of pressure and any weight-loss-like attempt will fail.

Get a goal that would entail exercise and proper nutrition instead and go for that. Example: decide to run the next years marathon in your city and then start preparing for it. If it's your first, you'll need at least six months to a year of preparation, depending on your health situation.

So how is this applied to your situation? Look up Red Cross in yellow pages right now, call them up and ask if there is some volountary work that is not too demanding and that you can do, preferably something social and demanding group coordination. Go help some people. Forget about trying to be constructive about your own life, that is not something you can plan for.

One. Goal. At. A. Time.

Ok, many things I can accept, but you will NOT TAKE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN EVER AGAIN!

Sounds like a project to me! As good as any volountary work really.

You don't need health care, you need your own medical ward. Hey, maybe you can combine the "I really need is to move" with "to a hospital" just kidding

Same with me and I am perfectly healthy!

Agree.

Disagree. I would have so much fun with fundies, I would never want to move

Ye, but your mother doesn't know what she's talking about, while I do.