The candy is yours, kid. You earned it.

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The candy is yours, kid. You earned it.

To the lady handing out Jesus pamphlets to us trick-or-treaters (Best of Craiglist)

 

Thanks for nothing. No, seriously. 

Do you have any idea how much work I put into my costume? It took me almost 3 hours to do the makeup alone. Every detail painstakingly thought of and completed, right down to the little scratches on the hands and the grazings and cuts on the arms and legs. Do you have any idea how long it took me to find a suitable shield and sword? Or how about the battle uniform? I bet you didn't even consider that perhaps it was actually straight off the movie set. Well, it was. 

It wasn't cheap, doing all this. I was the one that incurred those expenses, not my parents. I burned the income from more hours of my after-school job than I would care to admit on that damn costume, all to amuse and impress people like you. And I did it with the expectation that there would be a return on my investment; namely in the form of candy. Sweet, sugary goodness. Heck, even money would have been fine--some of your neighbors did just that. Loot conveniently placed into that huge sack; and what's more, I would even be willing to walk all over town collecting it so that people didn't have to deliver it to me. Yes, the outfit, the sword, the shield, the sack...all very heavy; close to 60 pounds in all that I pack-muled all over town, but no pain no gain, right? 

This was to be my last year of the trick or treating thing. I'm getting a little too tall, a little too old. This was my grand finale; my blaze of glory, my shining farewell. Sure, I could have 'dressed up' like a teenager like so many others I saw on the streets last night, but I wanted to go out in style. Let it never be said I was unwilling to work for my loot. 

Your house seemed so promising as I approached. 3 nicely carved pumpkins, some of that fake spider webbing, even one of those fog machines. I had you pegged for a Sour Patch Kids person. So imagine my surprise when, after trudging up your ridiculously steep driveway and ringing your doorbell, your bulbous ass appeared with a basket full of stuff that was most definitely NOT candy. Before I could pull back, you had already reached a claw into the basket, pulled out that little booklet, and seemingly-annoyingly tossed it into my bag. What's worse is your saggy old ass actually appeared to expect me to say thank you for it. Trick or treat indeed, you old hag. 

When I got home to divide out the fruits of my labor, my worst fears were confirmed: It was one of those Jehovah's Witness 'God loves you' pamphlets. I thought you delusional psychopaths didn't even believe in holidays and didn't celebrate them. What, annoying me by waking me up early on a Saturday morning by beating down my door to try and convert me not enough, so you have to resort to trickery? What on Earth would have made you think I, or anyone else, had any interest in getting one of those from you, you fat sow? Your house was fairly large, in a nice part of town. Was it just that you were too much of a cheap cum drizzling gutter slut to spend a few bucks on some bags of candy instead of getting those booklets free from your 'church'? You're even worse than that jerk that gave me a toothbrush--at least I can shave the handle of his gift into a prison shank and use it for protection next time one of my classmates decides to bring an Uzi to school and shoot the place up. What am I supposed to do with your thing? Hold it up to him and yell out "The power of Christ compels you!"? 

I mean really, why would anyone think that on Halloween people are open to being converted into believing in some invisible sky fairy that magically grants wishes if you beg it hard enough and donate some of your money to its church? Do you not even understand the point? Again, thanks for nothing. 

I'm sure when your gargantuan ass rolled out of bed this morning, shimmied into your mumu and waddled out front to get your newspaper you were quite surprised. Allow me to explain. Your pumpkins were deceitfully carved and placed to lure unsuspecting children into your GodTrap. Therefore, they needed to be smashed all over your porch. And those spider web things were just hanging there, so it seemed a perfect place to hang the gunk from the pumpkins on so they would properly dry out for future baking. Your neighbors ended up giving me just a little over 9 dollars by the time it was all said and done, which was just enough for me to buy a few rolls of toilet paper, some saran wrap a small package of bologna and a Blow Pop from the store. The TP you found strewn all over anything in your yard it would hang from or stick to is Quilted Northern, double ply--let it never be said that I am a cheap corner-cutting individual such as yourself. The cold cuts? Well, I had to make some sort of a bread crumb trail to bring your attention to how I had so thoughtfully gift wrapped your car in the saran wrap, and I figured bread crumbs wouldn't be cholesterol-ridden enough to be tempting enough to motivate your thunderous girth to follow it. I thought about using lard or butter, but there's always the risk of it raining and washing away. And the Blow Pop? Nay, it was not for me; that is my gift to you--lovingly placed upon your welcome mat, a friendly reminder of an example of what you SHOULD have been handing out last night. Plus, I figure sucking is something that comes naturally to you, so you would find it a welcome treat. Oh, and thank you for the fog machine. It's lovely, and I will put it to use next year when I join the ranks of people who are behind the door handing out the candy as opposed to in front of it collecting. 

I did all this not for myself, you see. Nay, the damage was already done for me, there was no making it right. I did this to protect my fellow trick-or-treaters that will carry on the torch next year and continue in the tradition as I hang up my pillow case and look back at a fruitful candy-gathering career. Hopefully this will inspire you to just do us all a favor and leave your god damned light OFF next Halloween instead of luring unsuspecting youngsters into your bible-thumping web of horror. I'm sure a night of darkness shouldn't be hard for you, since I'm positive every man who's ever gotten drunk enough to sleep with you probably still demanded pitch black while he did the deed. Happy Halloween, you shriveled up old bat. 

Sincerely, 

King Leonidas 


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Win.

Win.


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:3

 King Leonidas closing does it for me.


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I recall reading something

I recall reading something very similar to this a couple years ago. This would be an uncensored version of it though, as the one I last saw was ridiculously polite and told from an accompanying parents point of view. I laughed again.
This is one theist tactic I could never sink to. Haloween is about fun, magic, horror films, and candy.

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I thought that poor lady's

I thought that poor lady's ass was going to explode by the end of the story, the way it kept getting bigger with the telling.

All in all, a fun romp.


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FTW!

FTW!


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Those damb Johos.  Uno

Those damb Johos.  Uno sometimes my upbringing is so distant  in my mind i forget they're still out there handing out their "tracks", ewww!  Johos are very tricky however setting up holloween decorations of any kind is strictlly forbidden, so this one is new to me .  I remember coming downsatirs as a kid and seing my mom and all her  divorced friends (all their husbands left the cult)  telemarketing over hte phone their religious trickery.  I remember the elders and my mom making me stand infront of malls holding those samesmal brochures.  Their was an interesting calculation done about jehovahs witness' work, these numbers are as accurate as i can remember however being perfect here is irrelevant.

 

*keep in mind the johos think their servicing work is  lead by angels

 

Jehovahs witnesses recorded and boast about 1.5 billion hours in service  last year going door to door and spreading the good word.  (6 million JW's)

60,000 were baptised in the same year (most obiously were children raised in the religion, half is generous for number converted)

1,500,000,000 / 30,000  = 50,000 hours in sevice per conversion

Generouus average of 20hrs p/month p/witness = 240hrs p/year

50,000 / 240 = 208 years in service per witness for every conversion

 

Just makes me laugh , my moms been going in service for 50 years, as far as i  know no conversions.  Its strange how hard they try with their tricks and still some how blissfully remain oblivious to how they are being  perceved, as completely insane. 

 

 

 


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 And don't they say there's

 And don't they say there's room for only 144,000 people in heaven? Sucks for the other 5,856,000 of them.

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Brian37
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thoughtcounts-Z wrote: And

thoughtcounts-Z wrote:

 And don't they say there's room for only 144,000 people in heaven? Sucks for the other 5,856,000 of them.

You only put 5.8 million, there are 6 billion on the planet. Not to mention the billions prior to this generation in our evolution.

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Brian37

Brian37 wrote:

thoughtcounts-Z wrote:

 And don't they say there's room for only 144,000 people in heaven? Sucks for the other 5,856,000 of them.

You only put 5.8 million, there are 6 billion on the planet. Not to mention the billions prior to this generation in our evolution.

 

He's tallking about the 6 million jw's, not the population of the earth.  And yes they  claim only 144,000 go to  heaven,  the other good jw's live on earth in paradise for eternity.


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Odd. What's so special about

Odd. What's so special about heaven if life on Earth is paradise?

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Vastet wrote:Odd.What's so

Vastet wrote:
Odd.

What's so special about heaven if life on Earth is paradise?

 

I asked  that same question to my dad when i was about  10 and noticed only about 4-5 old people in 2000 group assemblies would partake in the wine on the memorial,  this represented their self proclaimed ticket to heaven.  Last time i heard (10 yrs ago) their were about 9000 or so left of the 144,000 annointed.  As it goes when these guys kick the bucket its paradise time.  But when i left the annointed were all atleast 50-60 yrs old, chances are most have died and the religion is now changing its perception  of dates/numbers they distort to delay the end of the world by just enough time to make a new story but  not to much time that its not still a sudden reality, usually about 20yrs.  I asked my dad about all this and this was his basic shpew...  The annointed are chosen by god to stand beside him and jesus (very specifically his son and not him) in heaven to i guess whatch over the world.  How do they become annointed, well they just claim it, most likely agreed upon on their standing in the cult by  many elders and and higher   powers in the religion.  You'd think they woud need to make sure the numbers were accurate but sadly the religion is so far  in space really the governing body can release any numbers they wish and the people believe without question.  I asked my dad why i  didnt get to go to heaven, and he said, "do you want to go to heaven and be with god", and i said "not really."  He said "Thats why they are annointed and your not. God has given you the desire to live on earth with the animals and oceans forever, the annointed have the desire  to live in heaven with god and thats how they just know.  Cccccreepy!!!   So  thats their belief on this who goes to heaven and who doesn't thing.


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That's very interesting.I

That's very interesting.

I had heard it was related to the number of people that you convert, part of why JWs go door-to-door so enthusiastically. As in, if you were one of the 144 thousand most successful evangelizers of all time, you get into heaven. But it sounds like that was just a rumor.

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thoughtcounts-Z wrote:That's

thoughtcounts-Z wrote:

That's very interesting.

I had heard it was related to the number of people that you convert, part of why JWs go door-to-door so enthusiastically. As in, if you were one of the 144 thousand most successful evangelizers of all time, you get into heaven. But it sounds like that was just a rumor.

Number of conversions have nothing to do with being annointed, just a rumor.  It would be funny taking into consideration my post before last, the large majority of johos have never converted anyone, and  most never will.  The very best of the best i new in the cult may have converted 3-4 in their life, these are a remote few maybe, 0.01%  the rest fail  miserably all their life to convert anyone,  99% of the people they can even get to come to one meeting dont become johos for life.  Their numbers dont grow much faster than you would expect from a religion where many famiies have more than 2 kids and even if no one is converted.