The reasons I Believe in God! Part 1
Okay, okay simmer down you atheistic wolves. I know your salivating at the mouth to tear me a new one...but hey It ain't like I've been reamed before....so any responses you make to dissect my stories will not contain a response from me because I need not justify my experiences...either you believe or you don't...and I'm not looking for compassion, sympathy or even some sort of analyzation of my stories. Just read if you want or don't but you'll never be able to justify your answer as luck or coincidence....
Why I believe in God
Let me start off by admitting my limitations as a writer or knowledge of certain subjects but bear with me as I try to the best of my ability or lack there of to explain why I believe in a God that I can't see, touch or describe yet I do but it isn't the way you would suspect. It is beyond human comprehension to grasp something without substance which is clearly why most atheists and agnostics think the way they do.
My whole life has been one of constant turmoil, a continual whirlwind of bovine fertilizer swirling about since before I was even born.
My name is an anagram for the reason I can't seem to hold a job! True! My name is John Kevin Badwey. Rearrange the letters and you have a question. Why A Job End Kevin? At 42 yrs of age I have been unable to sustain a job nolonger than four years and within my 42 years of societal nonexistence, I have held over 30 some odd jobs .
I lost a brother 2 years prior to my unfortunate entry into this spherical cesspool we call mother Earth. My sperm slinging dad if you want to call him that decided I was nolonger wanted as a son early on, so me and my mother moved to Texas from the idyllic land of ruby red slippers and yellow brick roads.
At a very early age, I was forced to commit oral sex on a neighbor in front of my friends. Could this have been the window to explore bisexuality as I got older or my eventual crossdressing that began around when I was nine? Possibly, however clothing has nothing to do with ones orientation but I do see how it could lead to other things. Like smoking a cigarette might lead into smoking reefers or experimenting with other addicting substances.
I had a couple of step dads that really had no interest in raising me to be a man. So I'm still learning.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
In 6th grade I was the most picked on kid in school. Even the teachers hated me. I made straight F's and still was promoted to the 7th grade of where I spent the next 3 years. I know, insert your own, "Well that explains his stupidity" comments. Feel better bout yourselves...good! Glad I could be of service!
Through out the years, jobs coming and going. I dropped out of the 12th grade to get out of my obligation to join the Marine Corps (Semper Fi) because I wanted to pursue my music. During that summer of 87 my mother had her first asthmatic attack, as a result of having C.O.P.D., Asthma, Chronic Bronchitis and emphysema. If I hadn't have been there she would have died then while I was away at bootcamp but, because I was there, she survived 10 more long agonizing years!
During my life since 6th grade,I became an outcast among my own family because I befriended black people. In turn, I was the proverbial black sheep of the family, almost literally! My great grand daddy was in the clan and raised his family as bigots. My mother would not enforce that on me but rather let me discover on my own on whether I would want to associate with black people. As time progressed throughout my high school years I became part of the hip hop culture because I could relate to it's message like kids of the 50's could relate to rock n roll.
November 4th, 3am 1997 I made the decision to have the life support pulled and by 5am she was flat lined, mind you, that ,was the lonliest time I ever felt. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, not even on the Devil himself!
Since then I have held many jobs, and since 1999 respectively I have lived either in a car, van, truck, on the street, with friends, etc. I have slept in front of a Dumpster, on a park bench, in a concrete ditch, in a stairwell, an elevator presently but still I believe in God because He has sustained me. Without begging for handouts, people have provided food, laundry, etc. and I didn't ask for it.
Just recently my storage was 2 months behind and my lock had been cut. Everything I owned, my clothes, family pictures, artwork, songs, collectibles etc. would be going up for auction. (Listen) Just a little over a week ago...realizing I was going to lose everything, I began cutting my ties here. I was letting everyone know that If I lose my stuff I'd be leaving and starting my life anew somewhere else. Maybe live next to you Thomathy....haha that would be fun! Interesting, but fun. Maybe not so much for you though..haha.
A gentleman from a 12 step program I was attending only as a guest came to visit me at Starbucks with his wife. He gave me 38 dollars for food or whatever and even though I tried to refuse they insisted. I thought to myself I can goto the Chinese restauraunt I normally patronize and pay for the meal they let me eat for free just a few days earlier.
It was then I met a lady of color named Sharmyn. We had exchanged a casual glance but nothing more however it was enough for her to notice me I guess. As I sat looking out the window lost in thought, she appeared at my table and inquired if I was okay. Small talk here but the result was I told her for what its worth I'm okay for the situation I'm in. I was expecting to spend at least 14 dollars right off the bat for this lunch and the one prior which was 6.98 for a buffet. She took my ticket and paid for it. I told her she didn't have to do that but instead she insisted. I could of just walked out but I went ahead and paid what I owed for the previous meal. I thought that was kind of cool...now lets' fast forward.
When I found out from an email that my storage was up for auction I knew my life here was over and the only one to blame for it is me. I had been out of work for 9 months and now I'm going to lose everything. While I'm on the phone trying to get in touch with the storage lady guess who happens to show up out of the blue...you guessed it, Sharmyn! When she came in she asked me what's going on like what's up you know...and I told her I'm about to lose my storage and to make this long story short she paid it today. 135 dollars, she paid and this was strange to me because we are not close we just met and just a few days earlier at the 12 step class I told the people there..I'm not asking for handouts or sympathy ...I just want you to pray for a miracle that my storage is some how paid. . . . . .think about that and let the imagry of this sink in before you try to explain it away as luck, or subliminal begging or whatever...just think about it.
9 months, at least 5 different people have paid for my storage and I paying for one. No job, yet during these 9 months I have not starved, hungry but not starved. And my storage is still there, I would suggest to you something greater than I is taking care of me. And i have not begged for or asked people to do what they have done....is that ontomolocosmoloestimology... or whatever you call these things or perhaps my faith is sustaining me? Curious to your thought not oyur jump to atheistic or agnostic presumptions but actual silent pondering of what i just mentioned.
Why me you may ask and not some destitute starving child in Ethiopia. Don't they deserve mercy. Yes! far more than me I assure you but the difference may be I truly Believe, or that I pray or maybe others closer in their relationship to God prayed on my behalf but nonetheless I am blessed and and no man can fault me for believing in something that came to pass.
This is one story and although it may not be to your liking again I am only explaining why I continue to believe in something so complex that no man nor his science can explain and may never be able to. God is Love without Prejudice, the Subconscious causing the conscious to without thought provide a humane service to the world or feel the twist of guilt for not doing so. On the service you may justify it by saying that is human emotion and try to rationalize it but I submit to you that that my friend is God in you and you are fighting a battle that in the end you cannot win. I try but I lose every time.
I waited to share this story because I wasn't sure if my storage would be paid...yes I too lack faith sometimes and again God showed me I need to stop doing that....W O W
"They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...I must be going to Heaven because I don't have any good intentions.".BADWAY