Help! Am I losing my husband, or is he already gone?
Please, I am desperate for anybody's help.
My Husband and I have been married for almost 3 yrs. 6 months after we were married, I started finding all these little religious pamphlets and mini-books and magazines in our house. When I confronted him about them he would blow it off, say he thought a single article was interesting, or claim that someone gave it to him and he just happened to bring it home but that it wasn't really something he was interested in. We moved to a new home a year ago, and I had to do most of the packing while he worked. Wanting to downsize his massive collection of books, I carefully went through them all as I packed. I had to throw away two banana boxes FULL of Christian, Mormon and Jehovah's Witness based so-called self help books. I even found a couple that were how to go about raising your children for Christ. We have two little boys.
Since we began dating, he never mentioned religion in a positive way. Being very open about my non-belief, I talked with him many many times about religion and he always agreed with me on every point we ever discussed. We agreed at the birth of our first son that religion would be something best left out of the home and agreed that our children should be allowed to grow up religion-free and make informed choices as adults.
Earlier this year I found a book he'd been reading entitled "God's Final Witness: 2008" by "Dr." Ronald Weinland. After reading the first five pages, I knew this guy was a total fraud. I just about fell out of my chair. I confronted him with it when he got home from work that night, and he told me he had "found this website" and ordered it--it was free. He told me he thought it was an interesting book and was enjoying reading it. I couldn't believe my ears. I asked him what precisely was so interesting about a total lunatic claiming to be a mouthpiece for "God"? He couldn't give me a straight answer. Then he just didn't want to talk about it. He started bringing home more religious books, but hid them from me in the bottom/back of the bookcase. I keep getting rid of them. The next time I came across "Dr" Weinland's book, I asked if he was done with it and asked if he minded if I threw it away. He acted like he didn't care and said "sure." So I did. Then for the longest time, nothing--or so I thought. It just took a while before I came across other hiding places for his religious crap. Finally, yesterday I went to sign into hotmail and his was already signed in. At first I thought it was mine... but there were over four thousand emails! I started sifting through them and discovered that most of them are subscriptions to religious sites of all kinds. I looked only at the e-mails that he had opened, which included letters from "Our Prayer" online, "Prime Time with God" and perhaps the most odd, a bunch of e-mails from an internet dating site for married people who would like to have an affair. The most disturbing of all of this to me is not necessarily the dating service, but the letter I found that he had written to Ron Weinland at the Church of God website:
From: J B.
Sent: Tue, 3 Feb 2009 5:05 am
Where do I go from here? I need to talk to you. I want to meet you someday. I will sit at your feet, not to or in worship, but to learn from a prophet. I don't know how or what, but I feel like this is something I MUST do. Like it fills my immediate future and crowds out everything else. Does that sound strange? Possibly. Probably. I believe you are telling the truth and I know God speaks through you. I'm certain of it. I would greatly appreciate a response from you, and any advice or wisdom you feel led to share with me, beyond what it in your books.
Thank you for your time.
Now, at last, I think I've been shown the answer to what I've been seeking.
I removed my husband's name here, of course. Now that I have posted all of this, is there anything I can do? Should I just file for divorce and accept that I have lost my husband? Did I never really have him in the first place?
Please, anything anyone can suggest would be appreciated. I feel so helpless right now.