The Greatest Religious War of the 21st Century

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The Greatest Religious War of the 21st Century

 This one is now deserving of its own thread, considering how many others it has now affected.

In the clearly more awesomer corner, we have The Great Moose, Creator of the Heavens and Earth, Inventor of Ice Cream, Spontaneous generator of Beer, and original Designer of The Bikini.

In the other corner, some nonsense about Leave it to Beaver and ill-tempered pandas, who are grouchy and will probably attack you given a chance.

(All they have to eat is bamboo. You'd be cranky, too.)

Why must you take sides? Because that's how insanity (or an American political discussion) works. Also, if you don't, the Demon Zebra will get you.

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fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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HisWillness wrote: This one

HisWillness wrote:

 This one is now deserving of its own thread, considering how many others it has now affected.

In the clearly more awesomer corner, we have The Great Moose, Creator of the Heavens and Earth, Inventor of Ice Cream, Spontaneous generator of Beer, and original Designer of The Bikini.

Lies! The Beaver designed The Thong, which was the template for The Bikini that the false Moose zealots stole last Thursday!

Ice cream and beer are evil sins. Stick with tequila and cake. It's good for your spirit!

AtheismIsNonsense wrote:
In the other corner, some nonsense about Leave it to Beaver and ill-tempered pandas, who are grouchy and will probably attack you given a chance.

You literally make me sick heathen. The Panda will only kill you if you fail to worship it. And since it created everything, it has the right to do what it wants with its creation.

AtheismIsNonsense wrote:

(All they have to eat is bamboo. You'd be cranky, too.)

Bamboo is the holiest of materials! The Panda uses it for sustenance, but sadly it has not allowed us to do the same. Instead, however, it does allow us to use the Holy Bamboo in our weapon designs. Which has made us the most nature conscious religion in all of human history! No oil was used in the making of our spears and bo's!

AtheismIsNonsense wrote:

Why must you take sides? Because that's how insanity (or an American political discussion) works. Also, if you don't, the Demon Zebra will get you.

Or worse, the Daemon Elk, cousin of the evil moose.

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HisWillness wrote:stuffOff

HisWillness wrote:

stuff

Off topic here - but is that your bike in the picture? Is there a site you can get special tires made like that or did you just make the lettering yourself?  I would totally sport that - although it may not be safe for work.

 


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Dray wrote:Off topic here -

Dray wrote:

Off topic here - but is that your bike in the picture? Is there a site you can get special tires made like that or did you just make the lettering yourself?  I would totally sport that - although it may not be safe for work.

The full explanation:

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/04/this-just-in-deep-section-rims-provide.html

...

Now back to smiting the heathen.

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Legalize and I'll advertise


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Okay, first, I think quoting

Okay, first, I think quoting me as "AtheistIsNonsense" is a low blow. I'm willing to go to full scale religious war with you, but that's just dirty.

Vastet wrote:
Lies! The Beaver designed The Thong, which was the template for The Bikini that the false Moose zealots stole last Thursday! Ice cream and beer are evil sins. Stick with tequila and cake. It's good for your spirit!

Pff! Who would need to design a thong? It's, like, two pieces of string, one of which goes up the ass crack, which is precisely where your false idol gets all of its lame ideas!

If loving Beer and Ice Cream is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Vastet wrote:
The Panda will only kill you if you fail to worship it. And since it created everything, it has the right to do what it wants with its creation.

The Great Moose laughs at your silly panda's inability to find a suitable food supply. All monochromatic animals shall soon feel the Great and Generous Moose's Gargantuan Hoof to the face.

Vastet wrote:
Or worse, the Daemon Elk, cousin of the evil moose.

Oh, that you would blaspheme the name of the Holy Elk; you of the half-bleached not-really-a-bear.

They're endangered for a reason! They're jerks!

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HisWillness wrote: Pff! Who

HisWillness wrote:

Pff! Who would need to design a thong? It's, like, two pieces of string, one of which goes up the ass crack, which is precisely where your false idol gets all of its lame ideas!

hahahahaha...okay, I'm done laughing. This is serious business.

The greatest god of all is the Alpaca. And no, it is NOT a llama. Just look at those majestic eyes that stare into your soul.

I also worship Mother Grandma, the creator of all things awesome. Have some whiskey, honey! Makes you feel better!

 

 

*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*

"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby


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HisWillness wrote:Okay,

HisWillness wrote:

Okay, first, I think quoting me as "AtheistIsNonsense" is a low blow. I'm willing to go to full scale religious war with you, but that's just dirty.

OMFP! lol

I am so sorry dude. I guess that's what happens when you interrupt my blasting a theist with fun. Sticking out tongue

HisWillness wrote:

Vastet wrote:
Lies! The Beaver designed The Thong, which was the template for The Bikini that the false Moose zealots stole last Thursday! Ice cream and beer are evil sins. Stick with tequila and cake. It's good for your spirit!

Pff! Who would need to design a thong? It's, like, two pieces of string, one of which goes up the ass crack, which is precisely where your false idol gets all of its lame ideas!

So you admit your bikini isn't worth mentioning! HA!

HisWillness wrote:

If loving Beer and Ice Cream is wrong, I don't want to be right.

A perfect demonstration of pure EVIL.

HisWillness wrote:

The Great Moose laughs at your silly panda's inability to find a suitable food supply. All monochromatic animals shall soon feel the Great and Generous Moose's Gargantuan Hoof to the face.

It is not that The Panda is incapable of sustaining itself on anything else, but that The Panda prefers the Holy Bamboo. That's why it's Holy after all.

And The Panda launches the so-called-great-moose' head of its so-called-great-shoulders. Smiling

HisWillness wrote:

Vastet wrote:
Or worse, the Daemon Elk, cousin of the evil moose.

Oh, that you would blaspheme the name of the Holy Elk; you of the half-bleached not-really-a-bear.

They're endangered for a reason! They're jerks!

You brought it on yourself heathen, by insulting The Panda and his friend in monochrome The Zebra.

Proud Canadian, Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.


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peppermint wrote: Bah! Don't

peppermint wrote:

Bah! Don't make me excommunicate you!

Actually ... that alpaca is pretty cute and fluffy. Perhaps alpacas have a place in The Cosmic Moose's pantheon after all.

All Hail the Cosmic Moose, Cousin to the Winged Fluffy Alpaca of the Andes!

Such majestic creatures.

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fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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 Gauche, we have beer and

 Gauche, we have beer and ice cream ... of COURSE we have the weed. It would be practically rude to not have at least a little weed.

 

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Hmph. A little weed. How

Hmph. A little weed. How pathetic.

Weed is the Holiest material after Bamboo. Daily use is required.

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Vastet wrote:OMFP! lolI am

Vastet wrote:

OMFP! lol

I am so sorry dude. I guess that's what happens when you interrupt my blasting a theist with fun. Sticking out tongue

I'll let it go this time, though thou hast offended me greatly, and thine religion is a Total Crock.

HisWillness wrote:
So you admit your bikini isn't worth mentioning! HA!

The Bikini is clearly superior, as it supports AND highlights both the T and the A.

So let's recap. The Great Cosmic Moose has claimed as part of his domain:

1. T

2. A

3. Beer

4. The Bikini

5. Weed

For truly, The Great Cosmic Moose was the Originator of Spring Break. Yes, faithful Moosons ... Moosists ... Moosonites ...

Moosonites! Rejoice, for your Kingdom is Awesome!

Thus far, the Pandafarians have offered only tequila, cake, and lonely disgruntled holidays like, "Bamboo Sucking Day".

That's just a recipe for sadness, people. Join in worshipping the Great Cosmic Moose, who is obviously the Correct Deity. The Great Moose has a master Moosely plan for you, and all your family will join him in the afterlife on a Magical Tipless Canoe.

Vastet wrote:
You brought it on yourself heathen, by insulting The Panda and his friend in monochrome The Zebra.

Oh, it is a low day when Pandafarians wander these Internets, unfettered in their ramblings, worshipping any black-and-white combination they can find.

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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 From the Epistle of the

 From the Epistle of the Alpaca, the following reading:

13 AND LO, when The Cosmic Moose had finished saying these things, the people were in Awe. They and theirs could scarcely believe that a moose had totally just spoken unto them. One man among them despaired verily that he could not capture it on his video cellphone. But His Mooseness said unto him, "Here, take this Beer. 14 It is much better than trying to waste your time taking cellphone videos of things." 15 And the man took the Beer, and drank from it, and the man could see clearly, and fell to his knees, throwing his stupid video cellphone away, for it was douchey, and played 'I Don't Think You're Ready For This Jelly' instead of ringing.

16 "There, thou balding monkey. Thou art free from but one tether of the Soul." And the man again praised The Moose.

17 "All those among you with lame ringtones, take note. Not one among you is expressing their individuality. You are confusing and irritating others with your devices, though they provide only the means by which your girlfriend and workplace can monitor your actions."

18 And so all those present realized the Truth, having themselves drunk from The Beer, and threw their cellphones into the reeds. But they once again despaired, for they knew not how to get anywhere without some kind of electronic device.

19 "Do not despair, helpless children, for maps are still available from gas stations. Heed these words."

20 This said, the Cosmic Moose vanished in front of them, leaving them one more keg and some President's Choice Chocolate Ice Cream, which is Seriously Fucking Delicious.

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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HisWillness wrote:I'll let

HisWillness wrote:

I'll let it go this time, though thou hast offended me greatly, and thine religion is a Total Crock.

You lying sack of moose spit! You not only did not accept my apology, you returned the insult despite it! I AM NOT YOU!

HisWillness wrote:

The Bikini is clearly superior, as it supports AND highlights both the T and the A.

The T highlights itself better standing on its own. The A is highlighted by a Thong infinitely more than by a bikini, which covers up the cleavage.

HisWillness wrote:

So let's recap. The Great Cosmic Moose has claimed as part of his domain:

1. T

Panda.

HisWillness wrote:

2. A

Panda.

HisWillness wrote:
3. Beer

Unholy sin.

HisWillness wrote:

4. The Bikini

Clearly inferior to the Thong.

HisWillness wrote:

5. Weed

No you did not. You're thieving our Holy materials! BURN THEM ALL!

HisWillness wrote:

For truly, The Great Cosmic Moose was the Originator of Spring Break. Yes, faithful Moosons ... Moosists ... Moosonites ...

Moosonites! Rejoice, for your Kingdom is Awesome!

Monsoons seems to fit rather well. As in, washed away by stupidity!

HisWillness wrote:

Thus far, the Pandafarians have offered only tequila, cake, and lonely disgruntled holidays like, "Bamboo Sucking Day".

There is no Bamboo sucking day. There is however a Moose hunt...

HisWillness wrote:

That's just a recipe for sadness, people. Join in worshipping the Great Cosmic Moose, who is obviously the Correct Deity. The Great Moose has a master Moosely plan for you, and all your family will join him in the afterlife on a Magical Tipless Canoe.

A canoe? Who wants to live in a canoe? We have houseboats. Clearly you took up the wrong religion my child.

HisWillness wrote:

Vastet wrote:
You brought it on yourself heathen, by insulting The Panda and his friend in monochrome The Zebra.

Oh, it is a low day when Pandafarians wander these Internets, unfettered in their ramblings, worshipping any black-and-white combination they can find.

Black and white is the only combination worth worshipping.

 

 

 

 

It's getting hard to stop from repeating myself...how do theists stand it? lol.

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HisWillness wrote:20 This

HisWillness wrote:

20 This said, the Cosmic Moose vanished in front of them, leaving them one more keg and some President's Choice Chocolate Ice Cream, which is Seriously Fucking Delicious.

Is that why we call certain kinds of delicious chocolate "chocolate mousse", to honor thy Holy Cosmic Moose Father? Praise be his Long-Snout Majesty!

*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*

"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby


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Vastet wrote:You lying sack

Vastet wrote:

You lying sack of moose spit! You not only did not accept my apology, you returned the insult despite it! I AM NOT YOU!

AH-hahahaha! Revenge is sweet!

Vastet wrote:

HisWillness wrote:

1. T

Panda.

HisWillness wrote:

2. A

Panda.

(Just an aside: if there's a scale for absurdity, we're somewhere between "Dadaism" and "Ankle warmers" right now. Holy shit that made me laugh.)

Vastet wrote:
There is however a Moose hunt...

There would be a panda hunt, but for the Awesome Mercy of His Mooseness, who knows that pandas could never survive in the wild against semi-bald apes.

Vastet wrote:
A canoe? Who wants to live in a canoe? We have houseboats.

Houseboats filled with sadness. Your version of an afterlife is being on one of those houseboats filled with reject celebrities in a constantly running Big Brother episode. Sad.

Vastet wrote:
Black and white is the only combination worth worshipping.

Smoke and a pancake?

Vastet wrote:
It's getting hard to stop from repeating myself...how do theists stand it? lol.

It's so true. I think the other side IS having more fun. I suddenly have a new appreciation for Paisley's repetition of something inane that suddenly shoots out of nowhere. It's hilarious to do that! You don't have to think or research or ... do anything! Check this out:

From the Book of Antlers, chapter 3:

5 Lo, there where ants were formed when The Great Cosmic Moose sneezed during his walk through the desert of 40 days and 40 nights. Such was the power of this sneeze that it created dunes upon the sand, which last to this day.

I mean, shit -- that didn't even have to make sense!

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peppermint wrote:Is that why

peppermint wrote:
Is that why we call certain kinds of delicious chocolate "chocolate mousse", to honor thy Holy Cosmic Moose Father? Praise be his Long-Snout Majesty!

That is, naturally, the origin of mousse. It's Old French, from the Greek μούσον, which means "Uniter of The Forces of Tasty Goodness".

...

That picture is fantastic. Where did you find that?

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Vastet wrote:HisWillness

Vastet wrote:

HisWillness wrote:

Vastet wrote:

5. Weed

No you did not. You're thieving our Holy materials! BURN THEM ALL!

Burn what? The weed or the heretics? Fuck it I'll just do both!


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HisWillness wrote:peppermint

HisWillness wrote:

peppermint wrote:
Is that why we call certain kinds of delicious chocolate "chocolate mousse", to honor thy Holy Cosmic Moose Father? Praise be his Long-Snout Majesty!

That is, naturally, the origin of mousse. It's Old French, from the Greek μούσον, which means "Uniter of The Forces of Tasty Goodness".

...

That picture is fantastic. Where did you find that?

I found it in my second edition Holy Horn Book  (aka Google Images)

 

*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*

"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby


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HisWillness wrote:join him

HisWillness wrote:

join him in the afterlife on a Magical Tipless Canoe.

 

Ok... now your just making shit up!

 

What Would Kharn Do?


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peppermint wrote:I found it

peppermint wrote:

I found it in my second edition Holy Horn Book  (aka Google Images)

... If that Moose god hits a Panda over the head with that Mace... i'll convert so fucking fast...

What Would Kharn Do?


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The Doomed Soul

The Doomed Soul wrote:

HisWillness wrote:

join him in the afterlife on a Magical Tipless Canoe.

Ok... now your just making shit up!

Oh, thou petulant floral arranger! Hear the Majesty of The Moose's guidance to His subjects:

From the book of Canoe, chap 1

20 AND though many had died in the tragic pizzaria collapse, they were ushered forth to a calm lake on the Magical Tipless Canoe, which more than one joker tried to tip, but could not, for it was already told unto him that IT WAS Tipless, and even his great girth could not tip such a Canoe.

21 The Moose appeared to them and said, "First of all, you people probably would have been able to run out of there if you had cut down on the soft drinks. For verily, soft drinks are made from corn syrup, which shall make you all tanks in mine eyes. And I'm a moose. It's seriously just the soft drinks."

22 But His High Holy Long-Snoutedness was merciful, and said unto them, "I am merciful, and so you are brought here, to the Eternal Lakeside Cottage. It is free from afflicting insects, and Divine Mojitos are prepared for you all day long. Should you require another beverage, talk to Sandra. She's in charge of beverages."

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fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence


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The Doomed Soul wrote:... If

The Doomed Soul wrote:

... If that Moose god hits a Panda over the head with that Mace... i'll convert so fucking fast...

Uh, why do you think they're endangered?

That's right, Cosmic Righteousness.

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The Doomed Soul wrote:... If

The Doomed Soul wrote:

... If that Moose god hits a Panda over the head with that Mace... i'll convert so fucking fast...

I have almost been trampled by a moose. They need no maces. A schoolbus hit a moose; the moose ambled off into the muskeg, while the bus was dead. Unfortunately, His Most Holy Destroyer of Large Yellow Vehicles did not slay any of the snot-nosed non-believing crumb-snatchers that were on the bus.

Once, when driving home from a hard day pretending to kill shit (the job description of every peace-time soldier), I saw a fast red car off the side of the road. The front end was smashed. The top was stoved in, with four long brown furry legs thrashing in the air, like half a freaked-out spider.

The car had evidently struck the moose traveling at speeds greater than the posted 45 mph. The moose had rolled up the hood, and his weight collapsed the roof, where he got stuck. The driver removed himself from the gene pool, thankfully.

Moose are mighty funny creatures, but don't laugh at them to their faces.

They need no maces.

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nigelTheBold wrote:They need

nigelTheBold wrote:

They need no maces.

Naturally. The wrath of Cosmic Moose Kind is serious. Those moose are just His representatives on Earth. If you can get close enough, the albino moose can answer one question you ask. But you may not live to hear the answer.

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The Sun Goddess’ wrath be upon thee!

 

The evil high priest of the Moose His Willness wrote:

Blasphemy and trash from Moose Droppings and evil of horrendous despicable horror.

 

The evil servant of the Panda Vastet wrote:

Heresy and rants of disgusting irrelevance and sacrilege

Thou art heathens and blasphemers of the worst sort. The Goddess of the Sun condemns thee for thy sacrilege of the most holy. The Moose and the Panda are usurpers of the Goddess, she curses thy name and she shall insure thee are denied the most wholly for all of thy days. Neither booty nor spirits shall be thine until the end of thy days. How dare thee suggest the bikini or the over-covering thong be placed upon the female creations of thee Goddess. Thou shalt be denied satisfaction for all thine days. May cooties and lice be upon thy accursed body. May thine skin melt in the Goddess’s warmth of holy light. Neither Moose of the North or Bamboo chewing Pandafarians shall survive the wrath of the Goddess. As the most humble high priest of the Goddess I curse thee. May thine members shrivel and peel under her blessed rays.

 

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The Almighty Panda's

The Almighty Panda's response is awaiting some corresponding evidence, heathens will have to wait until sometime over the false holiday weekend for a proper denunciation of all of your heretical and IDIOTIC positions.

In Beaver, we love thee despite your criminal and evil doings.

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pauljohntheskeptic wrote:The

pauljohntheskeptic wrote:
The Goddess of the Sun condemns thee for thy sacrilege of the most holy.

One mere celestial body cannot challenge the Mighty Power of His Awesome Moositude. Let us turn to the book of Origins, Chapter 1, verse 9, wherein it is written:

9 And having made solid things, The Cosmic Moose pondered how he might be entertained, and happened upon the idea of lighting the gaseous emanations from his Holy Behind. Thus were the stars formed, and the light of these massive bodies pleased His Greatness.

10 He then turned his attention to making pets.

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Curse thee Moosonites Ye Vermin

The evil high priest of the Moose His Willness wrote:

pauljohntheskeptic wrote:
The Goddess of the Sun condemns thee for thy sacrilege of the most holy.

One mere celestial body cannot challenge the Mighty Power of His Awesome Moositude. Let us turn to the book of Origins, Chapter 1, verse 9, wherein it is written:

9 And having made solid things, The Cosmic Moose pondered how he might be entertained, and happened upon the idea of lighting the gaseous emanations from his Holy Behind. Thus were the stars formed, and the light of these massive bodies pleased His Greatness.

10 He then turned his attention to making pets.

 The heresy you profess is but fantasy and deception propagated by the scum you worship.  He hath no power but that which he took of the sky gods of the brothers and sisters of the All Powerful Goddess. They considered him a friend and companion as they together flitted about the heavens. He in his treachery stole from them and propagated drivel and lies.

The Sun Goddess has spoken to me and hath revealed her wrath and disdain for the vermin called Moosonites that follow the accursed betrayer the Cosmic Moose that stealeth her divine cosmic rays. Yea, she will show mercy and kindness to all those that forsake the usurper scum Cosmic Moose. Hear her words:

The Mighty Sun Goddess Creator of All wrote:

Thou defilest my sanctuary and my creation with foul droppings. Ye are vermin upon my wondrous holy earth. Ye shall suffer the wrath of thee most high goddess that enables all lifeforms to exist. Yea, I will scorch thine habitat and destroy thine sustenance. Surely fear shall dominate thy waking hours. I shall give thee no rest for I shall parch thy throat and melt thine ice cream. Thy dirt-weed shall be consumed in a fire-ball of mine wrath. Thou shalt thirst for beer but thou shalt be denied as thou hath sinned grievously against me. Even now I shall forgive thee if thou shalt worship my divine creations and give proper sacrifice to the Goddess that enableth thee to exist. Thou hath but to curse the name of the scum sucking vermin that deceives thee and I shalt reward thee. If thou does not comply I shall fry thee with the deadly dosages of my rays and shalt make thine land desolate forever.

 

____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me

"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.


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Chronicles of the Sun Goddess chapter 4:

 

16The Goddess was frolicking upon the beach of thee divine white sand where upon her eyes were cast on a godless Moosonite giving sacrifice.

17The Goddess flew into a rage of furor. From her eyes daggers of hot spewing hate flew forth melting the heathen Moosonite consuming him and his sacrifice of cheap Canadian beer and dirt-weed grown in the lightless mountains of the North, His soured ice cream was vaporized into a puff of steam. How dare the Moose infidels defile the sacred white sand.

18She cursed the Moose and his godless followers.

19This will be the end of you godless creatures of the North, I shall raise the temperatures of the entire Earth and destroy thine habitat.

20Neither dirt-weed nor hops shall grow in thine land as I shall melt all of thine ice cream and fry thine land into desolation. Surely thou shalt curse the day that thou wast born. 

____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me

"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.


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 Best religious

 Best religious war ever.

(Writing a paper -- I'll be back)


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Panda meets Moose

From the Book of the Raven, chapter 4:

BOR 4.5: Panda pilgrimed to the Lair of the Most Holy Moose, and Moose greeted him with awe and joy, and exclaimed, "Why, aren't you the cutest pig dressed up in a penguin suit I have ever seen!"

4.6: Panda sayeth, "Blasphemer! I am not a pig! I am a bear. Hear me roar: rowr!"

4.7: And Kodiak Brown Bear, who was visiting Moose for a spot of honey, swallowed Panda, and proclaimeth: "Tasted like pig to me."

THE END.

"Yes, I seriously believe that consciousness is a product of a natural process. I find that the neuroscientists, psychologists, and philosophers who proceed from that premise are the ones who are actually making useful contributions to our understanding of the mind." - PZ Myers


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From the Immortal Book Of

From the Immortal Book Of Creation, Chapter 1. With pictures, for those uneducated scum which populate this forum.

Verse 1: In the beginningeth, there waseth Panda.

Verse 2: The Panda was boredeth, and created The Universe in less than a Planck Secondeth.

Verse 3: The Panda created the Earth and all of it's creatures, and saw that it was goodeth. Too goodeth. For the Panda is a predator at heart. So it created the evil Moose. The Moose would think it was the creator of all, but it would be doomed to forever dwelleth in self delusioneth.

Verse 4: The Panda and Moose would battle fiercly many times, with The Moose forever on the losing side.

Verse 2: The Panda created the stars, and Sol, where other demi-gods would dwell, causing further amusement for The Panda as they spread strife through existance. 

Verse 6: The Panda gave form to The Beaver, born from a Virgin named Marlene, who would cast doubt on a religion to be born in the future, by the name of christianity.

The Book Of Life, Chapter 3, Verse 6:

The Panda would create a legion of creatures that looked exactly like it, and cause them to be weak and easily destroyed, to divert the evil Moose and other demi-gods from the true path of the future.

Verse 7: The Panda army dominates the Earth and all who dwell within it. Anyone who does not repent and follow the Panda will forever be forced to live on a dark and leaky canoe, on a lake of fire, forever bailing out ones foolishness lived through life of sin.

More lessons to come.

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Vastet wrote:More lessons to

Vastet wrote:

More lessons to come.

Just look at the way those colorless heathens spread like insects! It is clearly the work of an Evil force that defies Nature and spreads lies!

 

The Great Albino Moose, Maker of Snow, Controller Of Weather & Cable Television Networks (Note the great antlers used as antennas). He lives atop a majestic mountain, and if you ask His Holiness a question, he will clear his throat and nod sagely. Everyone shall rejoice at his Wise and Profound Answer, and then His Holiness shall go back to his Sacred Nap.

 

*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*

"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby


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Peppermint wrote:Just look

Peppermint wrote:

Just look at the way those colorless heathens spread like insects! It is clearly the work of an Evil force that defies Nature and spreads lies!

Poor child. Only now do you understand the power of The Panda. The Panda is not omnibenevolent. It is the creator of all things good and all things evil. Follow it. Or face the canoe.

 

Peppermint wrote:

The Great Albino Moose, Maker of Snow, Controller Of Weather & Cable Television Networks (Note the great antlers used as antennas). He lives atop a majestic mountain, and if you ask His Holiness a question, he will clear his throat and nod sagely. Everyone shall rejoice at his Wise and Profound Answer, and then His Holiness shall go back to his Sacred Nap.

Hmph. That fool was exposed as the fraud he was last Thursday. The Divine Daughter caused a rain storm to wash the ash out of his coat. The Almighty Panda then destroyed the heathen. Conveniently enough, there is a picture of this taking place above.

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Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

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It is quite clear which of

It is quite clear which of these noble creatures is the true Creator:

Wrought from the sacred spittle of the Creator Himself!

Nobody I know was brainwashed into being an atheist.

Why Believe?


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OK, I have waited for a

OK, I have waited for a bit to really get going but you are all wrong. The Moose is evil incarnate. Just watch the video above and you will see that the moose is personally responsible for Barney the purple fucking dinosaur.

 

I am tempted to be agnostic on the panda but for one major point. The panda is not a cat.

 

Here is the deal: Cats made the whole universe. They made us. Way back in prehistoric time, saber tooth cats did some mighty hard work to force us to evolve correctly. Seriously, can you even imagine how hard it was for them to chomp on the pre-humans who would not stand up straight so that today cats can have a shoulder to rest on?

 

While they were on about that, they also made us so that our arms are just the right length, our fingers fit in their fur so well and we have laps to curl up in. A panda simply cannot curl up in your lap QEDB.

 

If that is not enough, consider the gifts that cats have given us. They have provided cat toys, which pretty much amounts to everything that is not nailed down.

 

They have given us can openers. Without those, we would have to go out and hunt some huge animal in order to feed them. Hunting is risky business that you can die doing. So cats gave us cans and the tools to open them.

 

Cats will wait for you behind the door to re-cat you when you get home from work. Do you moose people have a moose waiting for you behind the door when you get home?

 

Sure, a dog will wait behind the door but it will do so with it's back legs crossed and the leash in it's mouth because it needs to pee. Cats don't need to do that because they have also provided cat boxes for us to clean every day.

NoMoreCrazyPeople wrote:
Never ever did I say enything about free, I said "free."

=


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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

OK, I have waited for a bit to really get going but you are all wrong. The Moose is evil incarnate. Just watch the video above and you will see that the moose is personally responsible for Barney the purple fucking dinosaur.

YES! The evil Bullwinkle and his sidekick in despicability, Rocky, set the stage for all kids shows of today.

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

I am tempted to be agnostic on the panda but for one major point. The panda is not a cat.

Hush! These infidels are not ready for the revelation of the Cat!

 

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

Here is the deal: Cats made the whole universe. They made us. Way back in prehistoric time, saber tooth cats did some mighty hard work to force us to evolve correctly. Seriously, can you even imagine how hard it was for them to chomp on the pre-humans who would not stand up straight so that today cats can have a shoulder to rest on?

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

STOP IT!!!!!!

 

  

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

While they were on about that, they also made us so that our arms are just the right length, our fingers fit in their fur so well and we have laps to curl up in. A panda simply cannot curl up in your lap QEDB.

 

If that is not enough, consider the gifts that cats have given us. They have provided cat toys, which pretty much amounts to everything that is not nailed down.

 

They have given us can openers. Without those, we would have to go out and hunt some huge animal in order to feed them. Hunting is risky business that you can die doing. So cats gave us cans and the tools to open them.

 

Cats will wait for you behind the door to re-cat you when you get home from work. Do you moose people have a moose waiting for you behind the door when you get home?

 

Sure, a dog will wait behind the door but it will do so with it's back legs crossed and the leash in it's mouth because it needs to pee. Cats don't need to do that because they have also provided cat boxes for us to clean every day.

 

Damnit. It's all over....

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Vastet wrote:Damnit. It's

Vastet wrote:

Damnit. It's all over....

It has only just begun.

For verily The Moose hath totally seen this coming, Verse 12, Book of Domestics:

12 There shall be those among you, that are Domestics. Truly, you have jailed these animals, and so they will act insane in ways you have not thought possible. But they are jailed in your apartments.

13 Thou canst not set them free, for then thou wouldst be living in a pet anarchy like in Rome, where they think the plague is going to come back if they don't feed the cats.

14 But these that are jailed in your apartments would kill and eat you in a pinch. Cats would merely have to be hungry, for you are a large steak in their eyes. Dogs might suffer a moment of upset, being pack animals, but would have to eventually concede that you are a tasty meal.

15 For it is the way in My Wilderness, but those among you who have believed in this gross domestication as righteous beware. My Wilderness shall return, and it shall be glorious in Mine Eyes.

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(Also, Vastet, that

(Also, Vastet, that panda-biting-moose among the cosmos picture is gold)


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I've been following this

I've been following this thread for ages. It's funny as fuck. Just an update on the craziness spectrum, you guys are now somewhere in between "light therapy" and "answers in Genesis".

"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.

-Me

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peppermint wrote:Just look

peppermint wrote:

Just look at the way those colorless heathens spread like insects! It is clearly the work of an Evil force that defies Nature and spreads lies!

You tell it, sister! For the Moose hath said, in the Book of Things:

5 I say unto you, the Truth is Ugly, and so am I. For my Supreme Ugliness shows you the Truth and the Way.

peppermint wrote:
The Great Albino Moose, Maker of Snow, Controller Of Weather & Cable Television Networks (Note the great antlers used as antennas). He lives atop a majestic mountain, and if you ask His Holiness a question, he will clear his throat and nod sagely. Everyone shall rejoice at his Wise and Profound Answer, and then His Holiness shall go back to his Sacred Nap.

So it is written, so it shall be. Oh, Great Albino Moose, deliver unto Rupert Murdoch a Great Kick to the Balls when next thou meetest him. For none among your television minions is so loathsome as Mr Murdoch and his unfortunate taste in media outlets.


 

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HisWillness wrote:Vastet

HisWillness wrote:

Vastet wrote:

Damnit. It's all over....

It has only just begun.

Hmm. Maybe the heathens didn't notice...

*pretends nothing happened*

HisWillness wrote:

For verily The Moose hath totally seen this coming, Verse 12, Book of Domestics:

12 There shall be those among you, that are Domestics. Truly, you have jailed these animals, and so they will act insane in ways you have not thought possible. But they are jailed in your apartments.

13 Thou canst not set them free, for then thou wouldst be living in a pet anarchy like in Rome, where they think the plague is going to come back if they don't feed the cats.

14 But these that are jailed in your apartments would kill and eat you in a pinch. Cats would merely have to be hungry, for you are a large steak in their eyes. Dogs might suffer a moment of upset, being pack animals, but would have to eventually concede that you are a tasty meal.

15 For it is the way in My Wilderness, but those among you who have believed in this gross domestication as righteous beware. My Wilderness shall return, and it shall be glorious in Mine Eyes.

The book of domestics was predicted by the prophecies of Panda, spoken by The Great Beaver, approximately 18 billion years ago, fully 5 billion years before the book of domestics was even written.

HisWillness wrote:
(Also, Vastet, that panda-biting-moose among the cosmos picture is gold)

Thanks. lol, you have no idea how long it took to find a pic of a Panda that was at all vicious, let alone consuming something.

ROTF @ Tapey's pic

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HisWillness wrote:  

HisWillness wrote:

 

13 Thou canst not set them free, for then thou wouldst be living in a pet anarchy like in Rome, where they think the plague is going to come back if they don't feed the cats.

 

Ahem!

 

I would like to observe that in medieval Europe they got rid of the cats and the cats got them back.

 

First came the plague of rats.

 

Thence came the plague of flies.

 

Thence came the plague known as the black death.

 

And where was this holy moose while all of this was going on?

 

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The other side of the

The other side of the planet, where the Panda put him. Smiling

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deludedgod wrote:I've been

deludedgod wrote:

I've been following this thread for ages. It's funny as fuck. Just an update on the craziness spectrum, you guys are now somewhere in between "light therapy" and "answers in Genesis".

Hee hee hee.

Ultimate goal: achieve stature more ridiculous than "answers in genesis".

Is the goal possible? I don't know, but we'll give it a shot. Laughing out loud

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Answers in Gene Simmons

Answers in Gene Simmons wrote:

And where was this holy moose while all of this was going on?

In Canada, whence Great Excellence comes.

(Seriously, how long have I waited to drop that one?)

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Vastet wrote:Ultimate

Vastet wrote:

Ultimate goal: achieve stature more ridiculous than "answers in genesis".

Is the goal possible? I don't know, but we'll give it a shot. Laughing out loud

Oh man. We're going to have to turn the crazy up way beyond ludicrous. I'm going to need much more coffee for that.

I'll give it the old college try, but ... answers in Genesis? That's like Olympic-level crazy. If there were Olympics for crazy, they'd be the dream team, and they'd get the gold every single year.

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deludedgod wrote:I've been

deludedgod wrote:

I've been following this thread for ages. It's funny as fuck. Just an update on the craziness spectrum, you guys are now somewhere in between "light therapy" and "answers in Genesis".

This provides an alternative to the "shit" scale of crazy, which, I think, would put "light therapy" down around "dog shit" and "answers in Genesis" around "bat shit".

Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence