A little joke.
Posted on: December 21, 2008 - 1:55am
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A little joke.
Q: Why did the new student think the physics M theory lecture was full of zombies?
A: Everyone was shuffling around saying "BRANES!"
I love a bad pun. 
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
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OMFG that sounds like something my dad would say.
That is not a compliment
I LOL'd
I'll see your corny joke with another corny joke.
What does one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner...
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
MySpace
Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.
:P
*facepalm*
*double facepalm*
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
*triple facepalm* Noes! I has bwane damages!
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
MySpace
A masochist walks up to a sadist and says, "Beat me. Beat me."
What does the sadist say?
"No."
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Don't start anything."
Two atoms are walking down the road when one accidentally bumps into the other. First atom: "Oh no! I think you’ve stolen some of my electrons!" Second atom: "Are you sure?" First atom: "I’m positive!"
The bells of Notre Dame are ringing wildly. Quasimodo is jumping gleefully from bell to bell. He misses a jump and hits his head on one of the bells and falls all the way to the bottom of the tower and dies. One priest asks another, "Do you know this poor man?" The second priest responds, "No, but his face rings a bell."
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
Q. What do you get when you cross an ice-cream truck with a pedestrian?
A. ( ice cream truck ) x ( pedestrian ) x the sine of the angle between them.
Q. What do you get when you cross an ice cream truck with a mountain climber?
A. ( ice cream truck ) x ( mountain climber )
Why?
Because the mountain climber is a scaler.
(Scalar! Get it? I crack me up.)
"Yes, I seriously believe that consciousness is a product of a natural process. I find that the neuroscientists, psychologists, and philosophers who proceed from that premise are the ones who are actually making useful contributions to our understanding of the mind." - PZ Myers
*shudders and wonders what she's started*
So a rope walks into a bar. The bartender throws the rope out saying "we don't serve your kind around here".
Well, the rope goes into the alley, gets himself all twisted up and scuffs up both of his ends before going back in the bar.
The bartender takes one look at him and says "Hey! didn't I just throw you out of here a litlle while ago?"
The rope replies; "No, I am a frayed knot."
/rimshot
=
A certain salesman was so successfull he made a clone of himself just to cover the extra customers, it worked for a while but every time the clone came near a female customer he would start coming onto the women useing dirty language.
The salesman had to deal with this problem quickly but without much prethought. He took the clone to a cliff and threw it over the ledge. The police caught him right away and charged him with making an obscene clone fall.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Well that's what it's called.
I'll take you back to those thrilling days of yesteryear (1951) for an exchange between Michael Bentine (The goon show) and Peter Sellers (The pink panther).
Bentine: Help! I just came in and found him lying on the carpet in there.
Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so.
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: Alright. Just a minute.
(He leaves. Sound of two gunshots.)
Bentine: He's dead.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
What do you do when you see your ex staggering around the yard?
Ans: Reload and try again.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
What is the mating call of a party blonde?
"Oh wow I'm so drunk."
What does she do if that doesn't work?
"Did you hear me? I said I'm SO DRUNK!"
What is the mating call of a party brunette?
"Hey. All of the blondes have gone home."
What is the mating call of a party redhead?
"NEXT!"
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
{shrugs} I dont know...was it your car?
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
An alligator walks into a bar.
Alligator: I'll have a beer.
Bartender: We don't serve alligators in here!
Alligator: What? Listen up, if you're going to use my species as an excuse, I'm going to start eating patrons.
The alligator looks around the bar, finally settling on a skanky looking wench, and gobbles her down.
Alligator: So? Whats it going to be? Do you serve alligators?
Bartender: Yeah, if that is what is going to happen to my customers, we serve alligators.
Alligator: Well then, give me a beer.
Bartender: Sorry, we don't serve drug users.
Alligator: What in the hell are you talking about?
Bartender: Wasn't that a bar bitch you ate?
It takes a village to raise an idiot.
Save a tree, eat a vegetarian.
Sometimes " The Majority " only means that all the fools are on the same side.
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
"Times fun when your having flies." Kermit the Frog.
"There's two theories to arguin'with a woman. Neither one works." Old cowpoke wisdom.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Old Southern wisdom:
That boy is so dumb that he could not pour piss out of a boot if the good Lord done wrote instructions on the heel...
=
There are two kinds of people in your church: those who agree with you and the bigots.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who think it's not so simple.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Favourite highschool Physics pun (true story):
Teacher: ... and then there's the unit of frequency, the Hertz, named after the guy who invented car rentals.
Class: <groan>
Me: Sir, that was so punny it Hertz!
Wonderist on Facebook — Support the idea of wonderism by 'liking' the Wonderism page — or join the open Wonderism group to take part in the discussion!
Gnu Atheism Facebook group — All gnu-friendly RRS members welcome (including Luminon!) — Try something gnu!
A drunk runs into a bar.
Another drunk: "Are you hurt?"
A guy takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet takes the dog in the back and then returns to tell the guy his dog is dead.
"WHAT?! Are you sure?"
The guy goes into the back with the vet, who places a kitten on top of the dog. It bites it and meows.
The vet says, "Yep. It's dead."
The guy, distraught, says, "Check again!"
The vet then brings in a Labrador retriever which bites the dog and barks.
The vet says, "Yep. It's dead. That'll be $500."
"$500!!!???", the guy screams.
The vet says, "I only charge $100, but you wanted the $200 CAT scan and the $200 Lab test."
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
A guy walks into a bar.
He sits down at the counter. He takes out a little man, sets him on the counter. Then takes out a little piano, sets it on the counter.
The little man starts playing the little piano.
The bartender comes over and asks, "What is this??!!...Where did you get such a little man?"
The guy says, "Well, I have this lamp, and if you rub it, a genie will pop out and grant you one wish."
So, the bartender asks to see the lamp. The guy hands is over.
The bartender rubs, and lo and behold! out pops a genie.
The genie says, "I am the genie of the lamp and I will grant you one wish."
The bartender says, "Ok. I want a million bucks."
The genie replies, "Your wish is granted." And then disappears back into the lamp.
Then, in walks a million ducks.
The bartender is outraged. He says, "What's this??!! I said I want a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"
The guy replies, "What? Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
A tomato and a chocolate muffin are sitting on the kitchen counter.
The tomato turns to the muffin and says: 'Say, what's it like being a muffin?'
The muffin replies: OMG A TALKING TOMATO!!!
- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940
Q: What did Kermit the frog say when Jim Henson died?
A: Nothing.
=
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The incredible interrupting cow.
The incredible inter--
MOO!!
There are three kinds of people in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't!
Actually, there are 10 type of people in the world.
Those who understand binary math and those who don't.
=
First of all this thread is hilarious. And third, I saw a card today...
There are two kinds of people in this world: Cat people and Idiots.
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Why was Stalin popular in school?
He got good Marx
How do you save a small child from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
There was a knock on door the other day, when I opened it a six foot cockroach punched me in the face and told me to FUCK OFF!
...apparently, there's a nasty Bug goin' round.
Q: What insect is really good at math?
A: An account ant
____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
St. Peter says, "Hey jesus, it's the 21st century why don't you go back to Earth and be a pop-star making millions?"
Jesus says, "Nahh. Last time I was there I got hammered with tacks."
For slow ones: tax, get it?
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
A slab of asphalt walks into a bar and says:
"One for the road."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.
Two biologists, one German and one Czechoslovakian, were interested in the mating habits of American grizly bears. And so they arranged with an American wildlife reserve to camp out and monitor the grizzly bears over a period of one month under the agreement that they would radio park rangers twice a day to report if they needed anything or were having any trouble. One day, the biologists did not radio in at all, and so the concerned park rangers made a trip to their camp site in order to see what the problem was. When they got there, they found the camp entirely destroyed and covered in blood, and sleeping in the middle of it was a female grizzly bear. The rangers shot the bear, cut it open, and discovered that it had devoured the German biologist.
"Well, you know what this means," said the first park ranger.
"What does it mean?" asked the second.
"The Czech's in the male."
An awesome knock-knock joke that everyone should try:
You: "Hey, wanna hear an awesome knock-knock joke?!"
Friend: "I guess."
You: "Okay, you start."
Friend: "Knock-knock."
You: "Who's there?"
Friend: (silently realizing what just happened)
You: (laughing)
I've yet to encounter one person who didn't fall for the set up!
True story from a high school science class:
Instructor: "...and so now we have a fraction where a mol is divided by a mol; and what happens when you've got one mol on top of another mol?"
Girl in the back: "BABY MOLES!!!"
A fun prank from high school:
Step 1) Just write the words "MY DIXIE WRECKED" in large capitals and hang it somewhere unusual but obvious, so that people are sure to stop and read it.
Step 2) Laugh at those people. Time how long it takes them.
(If you're having trouble hearing it, read it out loud and think of penises.)
A place common to all will be maintained by none. A religion common to all is perhaps not much different.
The Newfie went to the train station and tried to buy a ticket on the Newfie Bullet.
Newfie: I want a return ticket.
Ticketseller: Where to?
Newfie: Back here, of course.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Newfie terrorists?
They took over Embassy Cleaners.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The following messages were announced over the PA system At Toronto's Airport.
"British Airways flight for London leaves from Gate 2 at 1200 hours."
"Lufthansa flight for Frankfurt leaves from Gate 7 at 1400 hours."
"Air Canada flight for St.John's, Newfoundland, leaves when the small hand is on the 4 and the big hand is on the 12.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
There was once a nun named Anne. She was a great nun, she helped the poor, and she even did miracles. When she died everyone debated making her a saint. Finally they decided that they just couldn't do it.
Why wouldn't they make Anne a Saint?
Because then she would be Saint Anne
.
Yes, I'm a superfan!
Alright, don't know if you've heard the "two cows" joke but I like it.
Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Evolution cannot be debated. 'Tis real.
Headline news: Homeopathic practitioner found dead after accidental underdose.
My favorite:
HEADLINE NEWS: POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN. POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON.
Also, I found some old dusty data discs in a desk drawer last night that were about six years old, and I popped them into my computer, and among some other awesome things (long forgotten porn), I found these hilarious quotes and things of unspecified origin. I sincerely wish I knew where I got this shit.
WORDS OF WISDOM:
"A closed mouth gathers no feet." (Story of my life.)
"Eat well, stay fit, die anyway."
"Tap dancers should not learn morse code."
"Popularity is like tupperware: overpriced and sold at parties."
"The surest way to avoid being drunk is to refrain from sitting in tea cups."
"Dijon Vu: The same mustard as before."
Apologist Mantra: "If at first you don't succeed: redefine success!"
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I do have the latest Beatles album. He didn't think it was funny."
"I once saw an onion ring, but I was too surprised to answer it."
"Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for a lifetime."
A TERRIFICALLY CORNY PUN:
A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused.
The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused.. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, meanest thug in town, who then went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close immediately, he'd be back.
Totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms.
This proved once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A place common to all will be maintained by none. A religion common to all is perhaps not much different.
A blonde wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of her smoke detector going off and the sight of a great rolling black cloud pouring into her bedroom. She rolls onto the floor, crawls to the telephone and dials 9-1-1.
"OMG I need help! My house is on fire!"
"Okay ma'am, stay calm. Tell me how the fire fighters can get to your home."
"DUH! In the big red trucks!"
- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender asks: "Hey, why the long face?"
THIS JUST IN: Corduroy pillows....they're making headlines!
And always remember: It's not the fall that kills ya, it is the sudden stop.
Slowly building a blog at ~
http://obsidianwords.wordpress.com/
Three women: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are all eight months pregnant and going to the same ob/gyn. They are all in the waiting room together at an appointment.
The redhead says, "I heard that whatever position you're in when you conceive determines the sex of the child. My man was on top so I'm having a boy."
The brunette says, "Oh. Well then I'll be having a little girl because I was on top."
The blonde starts openly weeping and wailing.
The other two ask her, "What's wrong?"
She sputters through sobs... "That means I'm having puppies."
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
There once was man named Bob who raised minks to make fur coats. He had one mink he kept as a pet, its name was Lucy. One day Lucy died, but its fur was still in good shape. Bob's friend suggested that he use it to make a coat, but Bob refused.
Q. Why wouldn't bob make Lucy into a coat?
A. Because He didn't want Lucy fur
.
<Hint: say it out loud.>