Another Shitty Christian Movie
Offline WOW. First of all, Kirk Cameron is a terrible actor according to this trailer with his cheesy, contrived "emotions". It looks like an incredible oversimplified, unintentionally hilarious trainwreck of Bible-thumping bullshit. I actually started laughing half-way through the trailer. Is this seriously not a parody?
For a solid troubled-marriage themed film, I'd rather go see the very promising-looking "Revolutionary Road".
Yeah, great message for abusive relationships, you SHITTY FILM.
*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*
"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby
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It's the only way Kirk would ever get back into some semblance of the entertainment industry other than being the butt of crocoduck jokes for the rest of his life.
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
Fireproof? Is there a double entendre in that somewhere?
Our revels now are ended. These our actors, | As I foretold you, were all spirits, and | Are melted into air, into thin air; | And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, | The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, | The solemn temples, the great globe itself, - Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve, | And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, | Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff | As dreams are made on, and our little life | Is rounded with a sleep. - Shakespeare
If this film is as good as the "Left behind" series, then the producers are gonna be... bankrupt.
I guess Cameron thinks the ideal world is one big Kitsch-fest.
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
What, like "never leave your partner's behind"?
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
I love how Shitty Film is in the second person. Dare we address Kirk? No, we're pretty sure Ray Comfort reads to him, because he's illiterate. So ...
Dear Shitty Film,
We here at the RRS have seen your trailer, and - other than wondering if there was some sort of double-entendre in your name and tag-line - we've noticed that you contain the most impotent plot line possible. Not only is it a weak, weak device to have your main character be a fireman, you've decided to employ Kirk Cameron as the fireman. Your suckage probably could have only been increased by the addition of a dragon, which we're all surprised you didn't go with. Honestly, it would have made it way better if the fires were started by a dragon, but it turns out they were started by men trying some kind of clumsy romantic interlude with their wives. The use of black people as givers of wisdom is also a cheap device. If one more popular culture by-product like you tries to tell me what a "real man" should do, I'm going to turn into a dragon and burn their house down.
You suck,
Will
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
Indeed.
I have seen this waste of celluloid at the behest of my wife. I had misgivings when I saw that it was being produced by a megachurch. Then I saw Mr. Cameron and al hope for a decent film was lost.
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
— George Carlin
I too noticed the use of stereotypically outspoken black people. I also thought it was funny how everyone has a southern accent except Kirk and his wife. If that's not attention to detail I don't know what is.
*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*
"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby
Huh. Gotta love the cheap ploy of Kirk rushing-in to save people from the fire, too.
'WHAT? JUST CUZ YOUR MARRIAGE ISNT WORKING AND YOU BOTH ARE UNHAPPY YOU WANT TO FIND A NEW RELATIONSHIP??? GOD GONNA BURN YOU!!!'
Christian messages are so huggable.
- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940
More likely that Kirk and his co-star couldn't pull off a southern accent to save their lives.
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
— George Carlin
Right. Just as long as they're all Uncle Tom and filled with truisms like, "If a man isn't a hero to his wife, then he's not a real man." What the fuck could that possibly mean? Are you telling me I'd have to get a wife, and then convince her that I'm a "hero" before I qualify as a "real man"? That sounds like being "whipped". That's what that sounds like. Did she buy you a purse, Kirk? Does she keep your nuts in a safe?
Of course, a real man might want a real woman, who wouldn't start all this passive-aggressive "we just grew apart" bullshit. I don't know, maybe they could have a conversation about it instead of turning into huge whiners. He's pissing and moaning, and she's getting a teary-eyed group hug. Then it turns into a Jesus-fest. Meanwhile, everything EXCEPT the actual problem is being dealt with. That's great. No couples counseling or anything. Holy shit.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
That almost makes it worse, since the casting director would have purposefully (and cynically) decided to plant two mid-westerners right into the mental darkness that is the southern United States, so that they could learn to live without un-biblical thoughts.
"Here you go, we've found the only place in modern western civilization where it's better to quote from a holy book than think for yourself. Bingo."
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
I know, right? The woman in the movie just sits around all sad and shit and whines that he doesn't make her coffee. Then he talks to an old guy (old people represent wisdom) who tells him to wait 40 days (because prophetical even numbers are better insurance than say, 37 days) before just divorcing her. Then the old guy sends him the Bible which Kirk thoughtfully thumbs through and OMG HE LEARNS HOW TO MAKE COFFEE. The Bible has this AMAZING section on shitty little pity gifts to buy your wife and sage advice on how to show her you care (call her).
If I asked someone for marriage advice and they handed me the Bible, I'd beat them with it.
*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*
"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby
What a numbnuts. @Kirk
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I'm not about to spend money to see this crap, but I read a synopsis on IMDB. Best I can tell, the only way to salvage the marriage is by having a threesome with Jesus. Not sure how this is supposed to work. One of my friends had his marriage ruined by suggesting the same thing with a girl named Carmen. If inviting a perky, freshly showered bimbo from a dance club into the bed isn't gonna help, I don't see how inviting a 2,000 years dead corpse of a goat herder is.
It takes a village to raise an idiot.
Save a tree, eat a vegetarian.
Sometimes " The Majority " only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Looks hailarious. I know what I'm going to do the day this movie comes out. Sit down with some weed and some good friends and laugh my ass off.
Oh man that made me laugh. Not Kirk, he makes me either sleep, change the channel, or gag. Just the idea that there's a self-help section in the bible. So funny.
1But as Isiach was ready to leave, the LORD said unto Isiach, WAIT YE JUST A SECOND, for I have pronouncements upon the nature of buying appeasements for thine wife. Also for the brewing of coffee that is righteous in mine eyes.
2Do not thou get all crazy with the French Roast. That is the path to misery, and thou shouldst know it. If thou feelest an urge for French Roast, thou shalt travel to France. Otherwise, thou shalt have disappointment all of thine days.
3Use thee salt. A dash thereof upon the grind of your choosing shall go far in softening bitterness, should thou not have purchased green whole coffee, but like a fool purchased it already roasted and ground.
4And the LORD brought forth a mug and said,
5Take ye this cup, and drink from it. This is what the fuck I'm talking about.
6Isiach took the cup, and drank from it, and gazed into the brew of the LORD and wept. For truly he had thought you could get a decent cup at Starbucks, but his wrongness was like the multiplying of rabbits, such was its magnitude.
7The LORD continued. Should thee constantly badger thine wife when thou hast feelings of insecurity, thou shalt check thine pants for the stones of man. Should thou findest that they remain, thou shalt remember to quit being a pissy little princess and speak to thine wife like a person, and not a creature from another planet.
8Make thou the coffee in the morning, but should thou makest the coffee every morning, when the first light shines, thine wife will surely believe that you are verily her bitch.
9The LORD spake again, saying unto Isiach, should thee need to adorn the tables of thine house with flowers, enlist thou the help of someone who knows the difference between them.
10Mark ye, that not all Sodomites be good designers. That is but a myth.
11Learn thee to cook something other than mac & cheese.
12Attempt ye not the thing they do in movies all the time with the thousand candles. For verily, I say unto thee, thou shalt burn thine house down.
13Learn thee to provide even a decent foot massage, and to speak casually of all things in a manner that is relaxed, and thou shalt have pussy all of thine days.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
That was beautiful.
Send this to Kirk with a sincere letter praising his insightful film and asking if these are the verses that inspired him.
*Our world is far more complex than the rigid structure we want to assign to it, and we will probably never fully understand it.*
"Those believers who are sophisticated enough to understand the paradox have found exciting ways to bend logic into pretzel shapes in order to defend the indefensible." - Hamby
I caught it.
To this day, I can't even think about that or I bust up laughing. Fucking PERFECT timing for the mic to pick it up. lol.
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
I was just thinking about it and after reading the bible wouldn't the first thing Kirk would think be to stone his wife. Or is that the climax of the movie?
A megachurch produced this movie. The only reason they hired Kirk at all was because they needed a name that they knew. Acting ability had precious little to do with it.
It was more like, "Hey Kirk, can you play a easily converted, non-convincing wooden agnostic? We couldn't get Keanu."
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
— George Carlin
Is that from the nightline debate?
Eden had a 25% murder rate and incest was rampant.
Yes. Although, it wasn't a debate... it was a lesson.
Please become a Patron of Brian Sapient
Support our activism efforts by making your Amazon purchases via this link.