Forth would be Scientology as it frees its users from the strictures of unnatural ideas such as c = a + b and permits natural concepts such as a b +

Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that many people don't understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful. Its followers believe that it's the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.

I had spent a several sad months fighting the Haskell demon at a college, and with using all my power I succeeded on D. (4th mark of 5 being the worst) Unfortunately, there was like 5 another subjects I which needed that power for.
The description fits.

I am very good at GML, which I'd compare to New Age. It's very simple, for everyone, gives a great freedom, lets you use ";" or "then" mostly only if you want. It takes it's syntax from C++, Visual Basic, Pascal, and is actually based on Delphi. It takes the best ideas from all the languages before, like 'if', 'for', or 'while'. The great idea All is One is represented by the One type of numeric variable (simply 'integer') for a number of any length, any sign, any decimal positions, and you can change it immediately into a string of any length, if it doesn't fit your zodiac sign! What a relief, compared to a rigid, superstitious laws of the ancient C! It works on the most of computers, though it takes a large part of system resources to believe in it.
And it's not technically a religion...uhm...programming language, it's a scripting language.