Pope suggests exorcism to oust Mugabe

Lyzandra Daria
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Pope suggests exorcism to oust Mugabe

http://www.hayibo.com/articles/view/804

ROME. After Robert Mugabe's claims on the weekend that only God could remove him from power, the governments of the US and Great Britain have apologized for criticizing his regime, and asked the pro-Zanu deity to be gentle in His vengeance. However Pope Benedict has suggested a "non-blasphemous solution" to removing Mugabe: exorcism.

Mugabe, who was canonized by the Zimbabwean diocese in 1998 and is Zimbabwe's patron saint of victims of syphilis, sent shockwaves through devout administrations in the US and UK with his claim that God was the only authority able to end his term in office.

This morning White House spokesman Todd Gherkin told a media briefing that the United States had been "forced to examine its priorities regarding the presidency of Comrade Mugabe".

"At this time of depressed economic acitivty, with people losing their homes and transport costs soaring, we simply cannot afford to have God smite us with His righteous fury," said Gherkin.

"Of course some questions remain about the legitimacy of Mugabe's rule, but American voters have sent us a clear message that they will not tolerate being afflicted by a plague of frogs, having their first-born cut down by the Angel of Death, or having the Mississippi turn to blood."

At Downing Street a spokesman for the Church of England said they were less worried about plagues than "someone causing a vulgar scene", but said they also endorsed a warming of relations with Zimbabwe, especially given Mugabe's views on homosexuality.

However the Vatican has warned against underestimating the evil capabilities of Mugabe, and this morning Pope Benedict urged mediators to "grow a pair and take the bitch down".

"Only God can judge a man's character," said the pontiff. "So while He weighs Mugabe's immortal soul, the rest of us can get busy on his mortal ass."

He said a robust approach was required, as it was becoming increasingly clear that Mugabe had been "penetrated and possessed by a diabolical entity".

He denied that he was referring to a sexually transmitted disease.

"Clearly Mr Mugabe has become a tool of Satan.

"Mugabe has become a complete and utter tool."

He said that the only solution was an exorcism, and that the Vatican was willing to respond unilaterally if no other countries endorsed the action.

"If you've seen The Exorcist you'll know what sort of crisis of government Zimbabwe is facing right now.

"Basically, all that's going on in Harare is that Mugabe is sitting in bed, spinning his head around in 360-degree circles, and vomiting a lot on aides and cabinet ministers.

"This is totally unacceptable. Not only does it give power to Satan's pestilential horde, but it sends a very bad message to the youth, and also obviously makes the room smell really, really bad."

He said he could have an exorcist in Harare by Wednesday.

"It's a fairly simple procedure," he said. "An umbrella, raincoat and nose-plug for the vomit; a suppository containing holy water; a few chants of 'The power of Christ compels you!'; and you've got regime change.

"And if the power of Christ fails to compel him, then we can always call on the power of lead pipes and Tazers to compel him."
>>>

I think this is funny...along the lines of 'the Onion'.

>>>

 

"Faith must have adequate evidence else it is mere superstition"...Alexander Hodge (1823-1886)

"A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes"...James Feibleman (1904-1987)

Respectfully, Lyz


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Lyzandra Daria wrote:is

Lyzandra Daria wrote:

is Zimbabwe's patron saint of victims of syphilis

 

...


jmm
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Mugabe needs deposed, but I

Mugabe needs deposed, but I don't think exorcism is going to help matters. 


Lyzandra Daria
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Guys...guys...

It's in the 'humor' forum...don't take it so seriously.  I also posted like 'the Onion' a satirical newspaper.  Lighten up a little.

"Faith must have adequate evidence else it is mere superstition"...Alexander Hodge (1823-1886)

"A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes"...James Feibleman (1904-1987)

Respectfully, Lyz


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Lyzandra Daria wrote:It's in

Lyzandra Daria wrote:

It's in the 'humor' forum...don't take it so seriously.  I also posted like 'the Onion' a satirical newspaper.  Lighten up a little.

Um...?


Lyzandra Daria
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jmm wrote:Lyzandra Daria

jmm wrote:

Lyzandra Daria wrote:

It's in the 'humor' forum...don't take it so seriously.  I also posted like 'the Onion' a satirical newspaper.  Lighten up a little.

Um...?

 

*sigh* (shakes head and shruggs sholders)

"Faith must have adequate evidence else it is mere superstition"...Alexander Hodge (1823-1886)

"A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes"...James Feibleman (1904-1987)

Respectfully, Lyz


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Lyzandra Daria wrote:jmm

Lyzandra Daria wrote:

jmm wrote:

Lyzandra Daria wrote:

It's in the 'humor' forum...don't take it so seriously.  I also posted like 'the Onion' a satirical newspaper.  Lighten up a little.

Um...?

 

*sigh* (shakes head and shruggs sholders)

 

Maybe jmm is being (for want of a better term) "double ironic". Always a tricky one, because you risk the possibility of looking like a complete dipshit. But if you pull it off, people worldwide will applaud your genius.

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first.


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"I would like, and this

"I would like, and this would be the last and most ardent of my wishes, I would like the last of the kings to be strangled by the guts of the last priest." - Jean Meslier


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exorcise Mugabe

I thought it was pretty funny.  And, I understood it was not supposed to be taken seriously. 

 

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed, Lyz.  You can't please everyone and (apparently) not everyone appreciates that satirical 'twist' for putting very different news stories together for humorous impact.


 

 

 

"Such evil deeds could religion prompt"...Lucretius 96-55BC

"Men never do evil so completely & cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction"...Blaise Pascale 1623-1662

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Heh heh heh. I almost fell

Heh heh heh. I almost fell off my chair reading that. Laughing out loud

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jmm
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I'm not sure why everyone's

I'm not sure why everyone's getting so uptight.  I realize that the article was satire, but my points were relevant regardless of the article's source. 


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Quote:"I would like, and

Quote:

"I would like, and this would be the last and most ardent of my wishes, I would like the last of the kings to be strangled by the guts of the last priest." - Jean Meslier

So many people mistakenly attribute that quote to Diderot. I'm glad someone finally got it right.

"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.

-Me

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jmm wrote:I'm not sure why

jmm wrote:

I'm not sure why everyone's getting so uptight.  I realize that the article was satire, but my points were relevant regardless of the article's source. 

i think i missed the "points," mr. natural...

"I asked my father,
I said, 'Father change my name.'
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame."
--Leonard Cohen


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I AM GOD AS YOU wrote:"I

I AM GOD AS YOU wrote:

"I would like, and this would be the last and most ardent of my wishes, I would like the last of the kings to be strangled by the guts of the last priest." - Jean Meslier

i'm ashamed that i've actually never encountered this quote before, but it's one of my new favorites.

"I asked my father,
I said, 'Father change my name.'
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame."
--Leonard Cohen