Pope suggests exorcism to oust Mugabe
ROME. After Robert Mugabe's claims on the weekend that only God could remove him from power, the governments of the US and Great Britain have apologized for criticizing his regime, and asked the pro-Zanu deity to be gentle in His vengeance. However Pope Benedict has suggested a "non-blasphemous solution" to removing Mugabe: exorcism.
Mugabe, who was canonized by the Zimbabwean diocese in 1998 and is Zimbabwe's patron saint of victims of syphilis, sent shockwaves through devout administrations in the US and UK with his claim that God was the only authority able to end his term in office.
This morning White House spokesman Todd Gherkin told a media briefing that the United States had been "forced to examine its priorities regarding the presidency of Comrade Mugabe".
"At this time of depressed economic acitivty, with people losing their homes and transport costs soaring, we simply cannot afford to have God smite us with His righteous fury," said Gherkin.
"Of course some questions remain about the legitimacy of Mugabe's rule, but American voters have sent us a clear message that they will not tolerate being afflicted by a plague of frogs, having their first-born cut down by the Angel of Death, or having the Mississippi turn to blood."
At Downing Street a spokesman for the Church of England said they were less worried about plagues than "someone causing a vulgar scene", but said they also endorsed a warming of relations with Zimbabwe, especially given Mugabe's views on homosexuality.
However the Vatican has warned against underestimating the evil capabilities of Mugabe, and this morning Pope Benedict urged mediators to "grow a pair and take the bitch down".
"Only God can judge a man's character," said the pontiff. "So while He weighs Mugabe's immortal soul, the rest of us can get busy on his mortal ass."
He said a robust approach was required, as it was becoming increasingly clear that Mugabe had been "penetrated and possessed by a diabolical entity".
He denied that he was referring to a sexually transmitted disease.
"Clearly Mr Mugabe has become a tool of Satan.
"Mugabe has become a complete and utter tool."
He said that the only solution was an exorcism, and that the Vatican was willing to respond unilaterally if no other countries endorsed the action.
"If you've seen The Exorcist you'll know what sort of crisis of government Zimbabwe is facing right now.
"Basically, all that's going on in Harare is that Mugabe is sitting in bed, spinning his head around in 360-degree circles, and vomiting a lot on aides and cabinet ministers.
"This is totally unacceptable. Not only does it give power to Satan's pestilential horde, but it sends a very bad message to the youth, and also obviously makes the room smell really, really bad."
He said he could have an exorcist in Harare by Wednesday.
"It's a fairly simple procedure," he said. "An umbrella, raincoat and nose-plug for the vomit; a suppository containing holy water; a few chants of 'The power of Christ compels you!'; and you've got regime change.
"And if the power of Christ fails to compel him, then we can always call on the power of lead pipes and Tazers to compel him."
I think this is funny...along the lines of 'the Onion'.
"Faith must have adequate evidence else it is mere superstition"...Alexander Hodge (1823-1886)
"A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes"...James Feibleman (1904-1987)