Another in the continuing tales from the Bible as they really happened.
Mother of James: Mary, who is going to move that huge stone for us.
Mary: Didn't think of that. All these spices, all this annointing ... I don't know where my head was.
Salome: Fear not for I have brought silver and gold with which to bribe the guards at the tomb.
MOJ & Mary: Guards!
Salome: Know ye not there are guards on the tomb?
MOJ: No one told me about this. I'm going back. I'm not going to get stuck by any bloody Roman.
Mary: Patience, Mother of James. Salome, what kind of guards are these.
Salome: Very fierce, the finest in the world. They are charged with guarding the preventing the theft of your son's body under pain of death. They will kill anyone approaching his tomb.
MOJ: That'e enough for me. Annoiting isn't all that much fun any way. It certainly isn't worth being skewered by a Roman, with a weapon, well, that kind of weapon, at least not for free.
Mary: Take heart, nameless Mother of James, perhaps Salome has the answer. Salome, do you think you have brought enough gold and silver?
Salome: According to Temple Merchants Street Journal the going rate for stone rolling is 3 1/2 silver pieces bid, 3 5/8 silver pieces asked. Dereliction of duty is a flat 1 5/8 bid and asked. The futures market on both was the same for 90 day delivery. The flat market is attributed to a surplus of soldiers in the Jerusalem market as a show of force against an uprising predicted by a consensus of the Roman Revolution Analysts. And they have not been wrong in fifty five years.
MOJ: Damn! That means my dereliction contracts are worthless. I have to get to my broker.
Mary: Mother, we are here for some good old fashioned annointing, not to worry about money. We will be back before the market opens in any event.
MOJ: I don't like it.
Mary: You don't have to like it. If we turn back now we have no part in the most dramatic part of the New Testament. Where would Moses be if he worried about brass serpent futures instead of climbing the mountain?
MOJ: All right, all right. Lets go get this over with.
Narrator: And they arrived and they looked up, well down, actually sort of straight ahead, and beheld the stone had been moved and the fierce Roman Guard was no where to be seen.
MOJ: Fine, someone got here first. Now lets get back.
Mary: Peace, nameless Mother, we must venture into the tomb.
MOJ: Why's that?
Mary: He was my kid, not yours. This is the way to get into the book. Do what I tell you or I will have the scribe strike you from the story.
Scribe: She has such a heavy accent I've missed most of what she said anyway.
MOJ: I'll go and you, scribe, don't forget I paid part of your fee and I get to review your scribings before you turn them over to the evangelists.
Scribe: (muttering) everyones a bloody censor
MOJ: What was that?!
Mary: Never mind him. Let us go forward into the tomb.
MOJ: Ohhhhh, what a lovely tomb. Shows you what those rich bastards can afford. Mine's not half this size and you have to duck down to get in. I'm having it enlarged next month for a nice two level effect and hinges on the stone so I can be annointed every day.
Mary: Ditzy blond. Behold, he is here no longer, he has risen as he has foretold.
MOJ: He's gone anyway. And after that nice man let him use it. Ungrateful I say.
Mary: And let this be a lesson to you from the rich man, that which is sold is gone forever. That which is rented brings wealth eternal.
MOJ: I knew that. I was just testing you.
Mary: Enough, we must learn more before we return with the news he is risen.
Salome: Why do you say he is risen rather than his body simply stolen?
MOJ: My son would never steal anyone's body. Goes against his principles.
Salome: Have you not been following the apostle market? It has dropped a lot since it started. Back then an apostle slot cost even the rich man all he had. Last week it was down to two months wages and, as you know, the bottem fell out of the market on Friday. Your son's position is in a buyer's market and there is no market. This morning edition called it Black Friday for the market.
Mary: My son has arisen ...
Narrator: MOJ screams
Mary: What did you see? A Roman soldier?
MOJ: Worse than that. It was like something out of a traveling horror play. All bones and flesh hanging off it and dripping.
Mary: Fear not, that is one of the righteous of old that have arisen with my son. They will appear to many this day.
MOJ: And scare the Bejeezus out of them I'll say.
Salome: Let us leave now.
Narrator: And so they left the tomb and when they emerged beheld the entire Nightus of the Living Deadus troop wandering the land.
MOJ: Lets get out of here.
Mary: Behold! Sitting upon the stone, an angel of the Lord.
MOJ: Are you a real angel?
Angel: Do you think I would be hanging around a tomb if it wasn't my job?
Mary: And it was ye who rolled away the stone?
Angel: Yes, bloody heavy it was too. Pulled me back out. Why do you think I am sitting rather than standing majestically?
Salome: But we did not see you when we entered.
Angel: I was around back puking me guts out. You think moving this stone was easy? And I didn't get any silver for it. All I ever get is orders.
MOJ: So you really did let the Son of Mary out of the tomb?
Angel: Of course. If I had left him in there he would have suffocated and died all over again. That wouldn't make much of a story.
Mary: And here I was thinking that rolling back the stone was just unncessary theatrics.
Angel: I don't run this universe, I just take orders. Sounded pretty strange to me too. Personally, I not much of a critic mind you, but I think the story would sell much better if your son could have risen without the stone being moved. But would they listen to me? No! You're just trying to get out of moving the stone they said. And did they listen to me when I tried to improve the production values of this resurrection? No! All high and All Mighty has his own ideas. I mean the darkness at noon was a nice touch but he has overused it. This is not a bloody sequal. I wanted to shower the earth with blood up to a cubit but no, he says that is derivative of Moses in Egypt
Mary: Excuse us, good angel, but we must return to tell the others.
Angel: Right, no one wants to listen to a critic.
MOJ: What might you have done with the soldiers?
Angel: I just shuffled the paperwork. They never were here. Found themselves assigned to guarding the Temple curtain against further rending.
Mary: We are off to announce the joyous news.
MOJ: I'm calling by broker first.
Mary: Scribe! Strike her name from the record.
MOJ: Oooooooo! Nasty!
Jews stole the land. The owners want it back. That is all anyone needs to know about Israel. That is all there is to know about Israel.